7: The Decision
The times were changing as the days passed me by. I spent my hours keeping an eye on Nikolai. One of the first problems I encountered in my time with him was his inability to keep himself occupied for long periods of time: the culprit here was illiteracy. It was swiftly remedied. Nika took charge of teaching him, and although she herself did not learn to read until she was ten, proved herself to be more than up to the task. It probably helped that she understood his experience better than any of us.
He tagged along with a book to counsel meetings that grew increasingly tense and frustrating. A new expansionist plan was in the works, unfolding, unstretching, and reaching out to entangle us all once again in a plot to destroy neighboring nations. As always the presence of True Runes figured large.
They wanted more war; to fight, to conquer, proud Olia, introspective Sakurazaki: to lead their troops into battle and distinguish themselves in the eyes of Hikusaak just as they had a million times before. A million times was not enough, and neither was one more. We all were cursed with forms of extremism: I in my way, they in theirs. Some things are just that way, I suppose.
Nikolai, of course, was their baby. I don't recall them ever feeling this way about me. I was a challenge to their power, and Nikolai, like Mori or Sarah, is a new toy. However, they don't want to make the same mistakes they made with those young women. Both died. That might explain their lack of reluctance to cut me a large role in this current affair. I didn't have a record of losing my charges or leading them to their deaths. Sakurazaki was given a number of hard looks when this subject was brushed upon.
For my part, I would not condemn him. Fate and circumstances dictated his actions and likely had they been in his situation the others would have done the same. I might have myself as much as I dislike admitting it. His attitude can be infuriating, but he does things the others would not, training the troops in the dry south and organizing the mercenaries. I know for Mori's part that she hated and loved him all the years she spent with him. He still seems to like Nikolai though, just like the rest of them. "My youngest son is about this old," Sakurazaki confides in me with a pleasant smile as he watches Nikolai. I never knew he had any children...I already know that he's not married...I think I'll keep that information to myself. I don't know what the others have been told. If he wants to open up a bit to me, I'll gladly listen, but it's best to be wary anyway.
"We know those True Rune Bearers live in the west!" Olia slams her fist down, making the table shake. Nikolai looks up from his book in surprise at the frustrated woman. "Are we just going to let them go? We know who they are! We know where they live! Our comrade, Lord Sasarai, knows at least two on a first name basis!"
All eyes turn to me. I struggle to remain calm. The instant I am called, "Lord Sasarai" by a fellow counsel member I know that someone wants me to do something for them. I began to notice after the war with the Grasslanders that although I am their superior, nominally at least, the members of the counsel just call me by my name. They don't speak that way to each other, not in public.
Ket's eyes brighten, and he leans over closer to me, "Say, Sasarai, you spent a long time in the west, right? I would've loved to have been there, but I had another job when that was going on...how'd you like to show me the sights?"
I am not allowed the time to respond.
"You've fallen a few steps recently in the eyes of His Holiness, I've heard, Sasarai," Olia notes, "This would be an excellent chance to redeem yourself..."
"I'd have liked to lead this expedition, but I'd gladly defer to you," Sakurazaki smirks. He almost seems like he's joking. The others are cruelly serious.
"What was her name?" Hazel questions, "The captain of the Six Mighty Knights? I've heard you two became friends."
"You lived in those lands at a castle, didn't you?" Komatsu adds in his soft voice, "Dios, too, right? Was it close to Vinay Del Zexay?"
"You've had a relationship with the Karayans for years now," Dana mentions, "I remember when you told me about Lucia after you came home from the war with Dunan with that broken arm."
"Please, Lord Sasarai," Olia smiles smugly, "You're the best suited for the task ahead. Lend us your talents."
I'm being overwhelmed. I clench my fists below the table and begin to summon what strength I have for a refusal.
I feel Nikolai's left hand on my arm. I turn to look at the boy. He closes the book and puts it down, looking at me with a sliver of fear and sorrow wavering in his eyes. "What will happen if you go the west?"
"People I care about are going to become my enemies. There will certainly be another war."
"What will happen if you don't go?" he continues.
"Someone else will take charge and they'll likely go ahead without me. The war will still come."
"Please," he whispers to me, "Please go."
I don't understand him. I don't see why he would wish this outcome. He seems so sure of himself though. I am swaying. I cannot make a decision. I need to ask someone to help me. I need to talk to Lena. I need to talk to Dios. I can't just jump into this. I can't. I won't go to war with them again. The places where Luc walked the bloody path to his misguided dream. The places we destroyed and are only just rebuilt. The homes of my friends. The land of their people. Could I bear to see Lady Chris on the battlefield? What would I tell Hugo as his village burned once more? Would they ever forgive me? Could I ever forgive myself?
"Why?" is all that I can gasp out, looking deeply into Nikolai's wide eyes.
They won't let me leave this meeting without giving an answer. I know that much. They are all looking at me. The pressure is unbearable. I vowed to be strong, but I can see that I'm not stronger than before, armed only with the great sorrow I exchanged all else for that day.
That day that keeps coming back to me.
I can see him. His eyes were hard and cold.
It makes me shiver.
That day...
The only help I am going to have now is...
"I can't say," Nikolai tells me.
I need an answer! I need to make this decision!
The room has grown quiet. They are all looking at us. Each gaze intent.
"Not in front of them," Nikolai whispers, turning fearfully towards the counsel.
"Just trust me."
I have steeled myself. The consequences will be my punishment. I'll accept the burden. "I will lead your expedition," I say calmly.
Smiles all around. They are ready to cheer inside themselves. "Well," Olia glows," I think we're finished for today. I'll go see Mr. Silverburg and we can begin making preparations."
I leave holding Nikolai's hand tightly.
We walk off down the hall and the moment we reach my quarters I drop down and put my hands on his shoulders, looking him right in the eye, "Nikolai, explain to me right now what that was all about!"
He does not try to avoid my gaze, but looks back at me seriously, "I just thought that if you're not in charge you can't stop them. If you're the one in charge you make all the decisions. I mean, they have to do what you say instead of you being stuck here with me reading reports from the front and worrying."
"You're going to the front?!"
The shrill yell makes me flinch. Nika flings all of the folded clothes in her arms to the ground and rushes over to my side, "Is there going to another war?! Already?! Bishop Sasarai, you can't leave!"
I get up slowly and try to placate her; "Nika, calm down, it's not quite like that, I mean..." I was never very good at this.
"Is everyone all right?" Lena looks in around the partially open door; "Someone sounded really upset..."
Nika rushes over to the taller woman and grabs her arm, pointing at me accusingly. Now I'm in for some serious trouble.
"There's going to be another war! And he's going to lead the forces! Can you believe him?! Lena, he promised us! He said he'd never go off to fight again, remember?! He wanted to spend time with all of us!" Nika made accusations, but Lena was the type to act on them. She approaches me sternly, with my assistant beside her. I look up at her and I began to feel somewhat faint.
"Wait, Aunt Lena!" Nikolai protests, stepping in front of me. I'll never know how he gets away with calling her that. "It was my idea for Bishop Sasarai to go."
She stops short at that and watches him, waiting for his explanation. Nika pauses as well, rubbing her eyes to stop the possibility of tears. She had accompanied me to Highland those many years ago and that first encounter with Luc had made her very certain everytime I went into battle I was going to be killed. Her superstitious peasant nature led her to believe that I was born under an unlucky star and that I needed to looked out for. And she did a very good job of it. She was very proficient at manipulating Dios, Nash, and Lena to follow me around and if I so much as coughed they would be asking how I felt and worrying about me. It could be frustrating, but it was definitely a talent.
"I was reading about the Silverburg family and the book starts with the founding of Harmonia. The part about how Sanada Silverburg secretly keep in touch with one of the imperial strategists made me think that if Bishop Sasarai is in charge and's supposed to know so much about the west if he gives fake information everyone'll believe him."
Lena breaks into a wide smile, "That's so smart, Nikolai. If you waste enough time and resources, Sasarai, the Counsel is bound to want to give up on the venture." She knells down and hugs Nikolai, who turns a bit pink in the face. "I hope that my son grows up to be as clever as you."
Nika throws her arms around me, looking relieved. I'm relieved too, to tell you the truth.