totchzilla: moshi?
Auto response from Guitar no slave: Whoo!
Guitar no slave: hey... it's me.
totchzilla: ohayou.
Guitar no slave: can we meet somewhere? are you
home?
totchzilla: un.. i am. you wanna come over?
Guitar no slave: sure. see you soon na.
totchzilla: un. bai.
Guitar no slave: *knocks 20 minutes later*
totchzilla: ::opens the door for him with a little smile::
Guitar no slave: *matches it, bobs his head* can i
come in?
totchzilla: of course. ::motions him by::
Guitar no slave: *ducks head a little, passes him*
totchzilla: ::watches him with a little concern:: ::closes
the door and turns:: sit?
Guitar no slave: *sits... but then stands again*
gomen... i think better standing up.
totchzilla: ... aa. ::comes a little closer, clasping his
hands before him:: ::soft:: doshita na no?
Guitar no slave: *reaches for his hands* totchi... you
said you loved all of us right? that you wanted to
be with all of us?
totchzilla: ::nods, taking his hands:: un.
Guitar no slave: then... we... *closes eyes* can't be
together like this. *takes a breath* i'd have to be on
equal ground. with both of them.
totchzilla: but to me, you would.. do you think you
wouldn't?
Guitar no slave: what do you mean?
totchzilla: .. um, well what do you mean? why do you
think you wouldn't be on equal ground with them?
Guitar no slave: *blinks, looks at him* ... okay i think
i got confused again. *normal tone, if a little
frustrated* i thought you wanted us to be together.
as in a couple. act like one even in front of them.
that to me implied i was on slightly different ground.
Guitar no slave: are you together with masa and
kyo too?
totchzilla: un, a couple. and act like one, cause we would
be one. i'd like to be together with you and with masa,
yes.. and.. kyou.. i don't really see us as ever really being
together, but more like close close friends.
Guitar no slave: ... *sudden laugh* do they have a
say in whether you get to see me like i do them?
totchzilla: ::blinks:: .. i think they do have as much say
as you do, but it's me who decides in the end for reasons
of my own.
Guitar no slave: might want to tell kyou that. he
doesn't think he does.
Guitar no slave: and the only reason i put it that
way is because a few days ago you told me i had a
say in it.
totchzilla: ::trying not to get himself confused:: you do.
Guitar no slave: *nods* okay.
totchzilla: ::unsure look:: okay..
Guitar no slave: *softly* so... what we had before
then... is over. *sad smile* at least... what i thought
we had. i guess... it was just me though na?
totchzilla: ... it.. is? >< why? i'm so lost now..
totchzilla: wait.
totchzilla: okay, lets try this? what is it you think is over
and why do you think it is?
Guitar no slave: us na. the... i guess illusion that i
had you to myself. that you chose me. that we were
a couple in every sense of the word. i thought that's
why you weren't seeing kyou and masa before.
that's what i think is over. when we talked
yesterday... and you said you wanted to be
together still, i didn't understand how we could be
since my definition of 'together' was pretty much
'exclusive.'
totchzilla: aa.. we have different definitions ne.. i didn't
think of that..
Guitar no slave: *nod* so i'm realizing.
totchzilla: then what would we be to you if we weren't
exclusive but still in an important relationship? or do you
just not do that?
Guitar no slave: friends with benefits
totchzilla: .. and.. that's it? it's either just friends with
benefits or in love and exclusive?
Guitar no slave: it... doesn't change how i feel
about you...
totchzilla: .. but it makes me less important.. and it
makes you seem less important to me.
Guitar no slave: totchi... i can't let myself... be in
love with you if it's not going to go anywhere.
maybe it'll change in the future but right now i just...
can't. maybe it's a character flaw, i don't know. i'd
end up feeling like i'm in constant competition with
masa. kyou... i've accepted because... well, he's my
friend too. i still believe... that when you're in love...
you don't need anyone else. i can't... change that
right now. >< you'll always be important to me and
i will always love you but i can't be in love with you
or i'll start wanting you too much. i won't be able to
help it. and i'll end up hating masa or something or
wondering why i'm not good enough for you. i'm
sorry. ><
totchzilla: ::can't help but tear up:: .. i.. i'm in love with
you.. and i'm in love with masa.. also, i love kyou.. i don't
know what to do or what's wrong with me that i'm capable
of this. knowing that, what do you think we should do?
could you even deal with me being with only you but
knowing that i also love masa and was just not acting on
it?
Guitar no slave: there's nothing wrong with you
totchi... if anything, that makes you a far more
giving and open person than me. the problem has
always been me wanting you to myself i think when
you gave me the chance. i took you away from
them. forcing you to choose between me and
masa wouldn't be fair to you and i dont' want to
do that to you.
Guitar no slave: and for the record i'm still in love
with you. >< i love you so fucking much but if i think
about that i'm not going to be able to finish this
conversation.
totchzilla: .... ::whisper:: are we ending it? is that what's
happening?
Guitar no slave: *soft sad smile* your turn now....
what is it that you think we're ending...
totchzilla: ... it sounds like.. we're ending me being able
to show you that i love you.. can't tell you, can't tell others
that we're in love, can't build a relationship with you that
goes deeper than just friendship.
Guitar no slave: are you and kyou in love with each
other?
totchzilla: mm.. ::shakes his head:: i love him, very
much, but i don't feel in love with him.. and i feel there's a
difference there.
Guitar no slave: *soft* that goes deeper than
friendship na?
totchzilla: un..
Guitar no slave: you don't feel the same about me
though...
totchzilla: ::raises a brow:: that doesn't make it any less
powerful or important. and it means that i don't feel the
same about him that i do about you.
Guitar no slave: *nods* aa... *finally sits down
letting head fall back on the couch headrest*
totchzilla: .. ::slowly sits beside him:: .. ::quietly:: and if
anyone is a friends with benefits to me, it's masa. he
knows that. is fine with it, because his powerful love is with
Gackt, and mine is you and kyou.
Guitar no slave: *closes his eyes some faint
expression of pain sliding across his face and is
gone*
totchzilla: .... ::quiets, looking down to his lap::
Guitar no slave: *quiet* if that's the case then masa
and i still aren't on the same level.
totchzilla: ::thoughtful for a moment:: .. do you mean on
the same level with having a say, or in the same level of..
mmn.. importance? because all of you have a say that is
important, you are equal that way, like i said. but you're
not equal in the level of commitment you'll get from me.
Guitar no slave: same level period. in everything.
totchzilla: in everything.. ::quieter:: no.. not the same
level then..
Guitar no slave: *sighs* then... whatever that level
is, i'd have to consider myself the same. you... don't
have to if you don't want to but just... in my mind,
that's how i'd have to think of it.
totchzilla: .. ::just nods:: sou.
Guitar no slave: *blinks back tears, keeps his eyes
closed, head still back* sou.
totchzilla: ::keeps his eyes on the floor:: .. you're not to
me, on that same lower level.. you never will be.. just.. i
want you to know that..
Guitar no slave: *swallows thickly* then just be with
me... *soft, almost a whisper*
totchzilla: ::choked:: >< i want to be! but i'm don't know
what you think our relationship would be now! or how i'd
be supposed to act with you.. do.. all of it..
Guitar no slave: *soft sad laugh* i meant only with
me. and kyou if you want.
totchzilla: ::utter confused look at him:: .. why and kyou?
Guitar no slave: *opens eyes* you're not in love with
him.
totchzilla: so.. if i kissed him, maybe even slept with
him... because i'm not in love with him.. it wouldn't mean
anything near the same thing as me sleeping with you
would, is that.. why?
Guitar no slave: something like that...it's like me
and shinchan. i can kiss him but it won't mean a
damn thing. we're not even as close as you and
kyou i think but the sentiment's the same. plus the
fact that kyou and i are friends and i'm just
comfortable with him already. you're in love with
masa. no matter what i tell myself how different our
levels are etc, i'll always look at him as a rival. i
can't help that.
totchzilla: ::slow nod:: ::quiet again as he thinks::
Guitar no slave: *rests head back on the couch,
closes eyes*
totchzilla: ::deep breath:: .. ::soft:: okay ne. i won't let it
go anywhere with masa.. is that okay?
Guitar no slave: .... totchi.... is that okay with you?
totchzilla: i think so, yes. ::shrugs:: it's what masa and i
have been for a long time now.. and we'll still be good
friends, of course. that's what we want above all else.
Guitar no slave: are you... going to retreat into
yourself like you did before?
totchzilla: no ne.. everything's out now, i'm not hiding
anything like i was before.
Guitar no slave: aa...
totchzilla: ::studies him:: .. do we have a chance?
Guitar no slave: *looks over, small smile* i think so...
i hope so.
totchzilla: ::uncertain smile:: hontou ni? you're not just
saying that?
Guitar no slave: i really want things to work out
between us totchi. i'm not just saying that. i don't
want you to regret any time you spend with me.
totchzilla: ::long exhale, bending over and covering his
eyes with a hand to his forehead:: .. thank you ne.. so
much..
Guitar no slave: *shifts to sit next to him, wrapping
an arm around his waist, leaning over to kiss his
hair* iya... i should be thanking you.
totchzilla: ::small shake of his head:: i'm sorry it's
difficult too. ::timidly leans against him:: but.. maybe, in
the end, it'll make it all that much sweeter, ne?
Guitar no slave: *pulls totchi gently against him*
gomennasai.
totchzilla: ::cuddles against him:: iya..
Guitar no slave: *nuzzles his hair*
totchzilla: ::head rests down against his shoulder::
Guitar no slave: *holds him tightly, leaning his head
on totchi's*
totchzilla: ::content for the moment to stay cuddled in his
arms::
Guitar no slave: *softly* love you na.
totchzilla: ::nuzzles his shoulder and curls arms tightly
around his waist:: ::squeezes tight::
