The Game

Darlthorn: Dex's lawful good (edging slowly into lawful neutral) sentient great mace

Hinthial: Molly's character in another D&D group. Occasionally, there are cross-overs.

Gist: We are all summoned (kidnapped) from our respective universes by falling through a portal, and end up in a neutral realm between reality. We meet each other and our patron, Tethys (a water elemental, or rather THE water elemental), who tells us we have to "restore the balance of the multiverse" before she will return us home. Then we're teleported into a world that seems to be composed mostly of mud, and battle undead like there's no tomorrow...which at this rate, there might not be.

“When the portal appears, there is a vague watery sound—much like a toilet flushing.”

“It didn’t occur to me that anyone would run. Hm. Give me a minute while I try to make the verisimilitude of the world hang together.”

“I don’t know! He might have noticed something—like, maybe after they ate her brain, they could make very good pie!”

~ Molly to Megan and Alexandra (who were rolling to see how well they could flirt)

“Five gold pieces will buy you crap. Five pieces of gold will buy you a horse for the night—which sounds really wrong, but I didn’t mean it that way.”

“I’ll attack the ones on…uh, dude! They’re both on Shays! But different Shays!”

“And the fighter says ‘Fuck it!’ throws down his sword and picks up a rock.”

“You were making friends with the sheep—not like that, you sick sick people!”

“You miss, but they miss too, so you’re just over there doing an interpretive fighting dance.”

Gist: Okay, we have lost two members of our party to January-term, so Molly decides to give us an "easy quest" to keep us in practice and warm us up for the Christmas Adventure. She lands us in the Arctic. Colleen comes back from her side trip into Detroit. Chaos ensues.

~ Sonnet (who critically succeeded a Spot check) to Kelly (who critically failed)

~ Mary, Molly to Sonnet (who critically succeeded a roll to see if she could cook)

“Well, here’s my idea—if we go in the direction that our feelings tell us not to, we’ll get to leave sooner.”

“And the barbarian says ‘Fuck it!’ throws down her great axe and picks up a snowball.”

“It’s not that I have anything against evil. It’s just as the DM, I feel I should have a monopoly on the evil.”

“As a sudden, deathly silence descends upon the little town, Shea looks at Dex and says, ‘Oh, crap.’”

~ Sonnet (on the placement of her character piece as she heals Bart’s character), Bart, Laura, Kelly

“It’s not like he kicks you in the head using his little halfling Matrix moves.”

“It’s always the case: ‘Why do you hate us?’ ‘I didn’t critically fail.’ ‘Why are you so mean?’ ‘Why is this so hard?’ Whine whine whine.”

“They were like ‘FREEDOM!!’ so they all ran off…all chained together…”

~ Dex upon seeing the ceiling start to fall on top of him and most of the other team members

ADVENTURE 4: “I thought you all’d have fun with a campaign that required you to go to a whorehouse.”

Gist: We end up in a world during a water festival. We have a banquet with the prince; we see suspicious things; get our asses kicked by drow mercenaries; we hide out in a whore house and big Shea gets a full-body wax.

Shea’s counting all the new scars his teammates have given him...”
~ Kelly in the hot tub

“Let’s see if my depth perception is good enough to hit Colleen with a d6.”
~ Kelly after switching from contacts to glasses and getting teased for it

“Skadi...Skadi... See the shiny? See the shiny? Go get the shiny!”
~ Dex using a coin to get Skadi through the portal (and it worked!)

“Picture Legolas—that’s what I’m wearing.”
“You’re wearing Legolas?”
~ Megan, Alexandra

“…Prince has a new girlfriend, no one knows where she came from, how long she’s been here, and people are dying.”
“Oh good. What’s for dinner?”
~ Shea, Shey

“That must be awkward. You go into a whorehouse, there’s a big waiting room with a bunch of other guys. So you pick up a magazine and start reading, and above you all you hear is squeaky squeaky squeaky...”
~ Megan

“You know, unfortunately, the DMG doesn’t tell you how much it costs to buy a whore.”
~ Molly

“Never wear a bright red tie with a black shirt. It looks like someone slit your throat.”
“Thanks for that riveting piece of fashion advice.”
~ Kelly, Molly (while we’re dressing for a ceremony)

“He’s looking at you like he found you on the bottom of his shoe, and he’s not quite sure how you got there.”
~ Molly playing an NPC to Colleen

“Ah, who cares. Just barge in.”
“There’s a plan.”
~ Aidan, Shey on sneaking into the mansion

“I’m cowering behind you. Subtly cowering, mind you, but cowering nonetheless.”
~ Dex to Shea

“Hey, Mary…You know those Drow that couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn? We didn’t get those Drow.”
~ Molly

“You all don’t have initiative! You have initiative of stashed in a trashcan. In fact, Kelly has initiative of bound and gagged.”
~ Molly to Dex and Shey

“See, they’ve been missing me, I’ve been missing them...it’s all good.”
~ Alexandra on how her end of the battle is going

“Roll well! And lie if you don’t!”
~ Kelly

“It’s ten o’clock at night. Do you know where your halfling is?”
~ Bart

“Well, you didn’t roll and 23, or else I’d have to ask to see your dice.”

“Okay. They decide since the guards are looking for 2 women and 4 guys, they’re going to turn you into 4 women and 2 guys.”

“Your mace is slightly panicked. Your mace is like ‘Crap on a kobald, crap on a kobald, crap on a kobald.’”

“As A’zure sticks the ruby up his ass and hops around the room yelling ‘I’m a Cyclops! I’m a Cyclops!’”

~ Molly, interceding with the dice on our behalf when most of the team is on the ground, bleeding, and the main bad guy is just laughing at us

ADVENTURE 5: “I wonder if the DMG has rules for starvation and heat exposure.” “It does.” “Excellent.”

Gist: So, still on the world with the succubus, though the succubus is gone. But now we've been hired to escort a caravan full of cheese and cloth...though not cheese-cloth...across a magical desert, into the West. Bart sees the light--many times. It's sort of like the Donner party without snow. We eat hallucinatory cacti. And, yes folks, more undead.

ADVENTURE 6: “I fell asleep on my Greek book and this is what I came up with. Hey, at least the scenery is nice.”

Gist: It's sort of like a twisted version of Greek mythology... well, more twisted than normal. Let's just say there once was a queen... who was very fond of her bulls... and so, we're fighting minotuars.

“Welcome to the really quick ‘This-is-the-only-time-I-can-get-even-40%-of-my-players-together-for-this-whole-month’ game.”

“All I asked for is some frickin’ sharks with frickin’ lazers on their forehead.”

~ Skadi upon finding out just exactly whom had to sleep with what to bring minotuars into existence

~ Molly after Shea falls down a mountain and gets the seat ripped out of his pants

ADVENTURE 7: “Well…Good luck, guys.” (Things you do not want your DM to say in a resigned, apologetic tone right before the game)

Gist: After regaining our wayward teammate, we are transported to a city that has been decimated by a Great Evil. We follow the trail of blood, and find a Tree of Life. Skadi attempts to have a revelation. We meet the Ravagers. Fun is had by all. Oh, wait, no. Pain. Pain is had by all. Sometimes I get those confused.

“I was carrying you, but I handed you off to someone else who’s stronger. I’m not much help at the helping.”

“Before you think I’m a sick, twisted bastard. I’ll have you know that I looked up the details for this game on the internet under ‘atrocities of war’ and really really disturbed my comp-sci partner.”

~ Colleen, upon looking around and seeing that everyone was unconscious and bleeding

“They’re bad. They’re very bad. They deserve the death they’re getting… I need to remember that.”

~ Molly

ADVENTURE 8: “The vampires in the Monster Manuel were ugly and stupid, so I came up with some of my own… of course, that means they’re much much scarier.”

Gist: We find ourselves in a little medieval town that is NOT AT ALL or IN ANY WAY based on Transylvania. We fight some icky-looking vampires. A'zure is abducted and enchanted, and gets to have lots of steamy sex with some not-so-icky-looking vampires. Over half the team is naked at some point or another, although not all together at once (unfortunately ~_^). Laucian is pregnant...and then loses the child. Tethys begins her courtship of big Shea.

Duration (real time): Two Days

“Dex is lounging artistically.”

~ Sonnet

Love for you

Like a shovel

Burns the flanks

Of the great bear

And fornicates me

Into denial.

-- XOXO

~ Tethys’s love poem to Shea

“Who’s the little wad of gold foil?”

~ Molly confused about Megan’s improvised figurine

“I didn’t mean to sound contemptuous. That’s just how I talk.”

~ Molly

“YES!! You critically FAIL—oh, I shouldn’t say that quite so gleefully.”

~ Molly

“Okay, it’s going to go through big Shea, bank off the building, swerve around little Shey and hit it in the butt.”

~ Molly’s reply to Megan’s insistence that her character can shoot a vampire that’s surrounded by the rest of us

“He hands you an invitation, sealed in purple wax.”

“Anthrax! Anthrax!!”

~ Molly, Colleen

“A’zure’s getting laaaaaaaid!”

~ Kelly

“…Well, you can’t really tell from where you are, since you’re standing on you head behind a tapestry.”

~ Molly on what Laucian sees after sneaking into the head Vampire’s room

“A little fish with claws climbs out of the well.”

“…A’zure?”

~ Molly and Dex in a moment of mistaken identity

“We want our sorcerer back! Give him back and no one gets hurt!!”

“Yeah…especially us.”

~ Molly, Colleen

“I’m in hell. I’m in sauce-passing hell.”

~ Megan on pizza and breadsticks

“So we follow the trail of pissed off servants…”

~ Megan

“If you beat a 20, you hear what’s happening in the room.”

“So what’s happening?”

“Seeex.”

~ Molly, Laura

“What was that?”

“That was ‘nod nod, knowing look, head tilt.’ So of course the answer is ‘nod nod wink meaningful squint.’”

~Laura and Megan on silent communication

“He’s fucked them, they ought to have names.”

~ Molly on the Ghouls

“Laucian doesn’t look like much of a threat to anyone, unless they’re allergic to blood.”

~Kelly

“Friendship and beadsticks and garlic sauce. That’s what D&D is about.”

~ Alexandra

“You killed our fuckbuddy! You bastards!”

~ Enchanted A’zure who’s been seduced to the dark side

“Some sweet sweet inter-ghoul lovin’.”

~ Megan

“You could probably confuse him enough so he would just stand there and go ‘durrrrrr.’”

~ Molly on whether or not Dex could Enthrall A’zure back to the light

“Skadi it’s there… Skadi that’s just air.”

~ Shea

“Shea’s like, ‘Hey, the inside of my eyelids!’”

~ Megan, when Shea critically fails another spot check

“He’s so mad that he can find the opening, but he can’t get the manly thrust in.”

~ Molly on the actions of a nearly dead Ghoul

ADVENTURE 9: “Dude…where’s my spell book?”

Gist: After staying too long in Tethys's world, chaos has an adverse effect on the team. After that is sorted out, we are transported to Hinthial's world. Our assignment: keep her drow assassin husband and her elven paladin brother from killing each other (which they seem very eager to do). We run into some assassins. We discover that really annoying instant-death attack they have. We do some shopping. The team gets a credit card. Little Shey joins a thieves' guild. Everyone tries to keep A'Zure and Skadi from killing each other.

Duration (Real Time): Two Days

“Brian is playing tiddlywinks with his scroll.”

~ Sa-chan

“Your first thought might be that he’s growing a sense of humor.”

“That’s…probably not his first thought.”

~ Molly, Sonnet on Dex and Darlthorn’s (sentient mace) relationship

“Kelly, you discover that you’re a centaur.”

“Pony! Pony! Pony pony pony!”

~ Molly, Sonnet

“Laucian is now clutching the great sword that used to be a dagger.”

~ Megan, after her character becomes 1/8^th her normal size

“Oh my god, I’m stopping the conversation right now.”

~ Molly

“I’m not very good at raising children. You go away for about 5 minutes and they’re grown up. Or dead.”

~ Tethys

“We look at Brian…we look away.”

~ Shea’s reaction to the fact that Brian has become ethereal, and has phased out of his clothes

“Hey, I was a horse. I’m allowed to be naked.”

~ Shea after being a centaur

“So, what are you up to?”

“Oh, you know…this and that…”

“…and that other thing.”

~ A’zure, Tes, Dex

“ ‘Who are all these people?’

‘I don’t know…I met them on the road. But don’t worry! They’re cool!’”

“Wow. Even I don’t trust me anymore.”

~ Tev, Tes, and Shea

“Still…smiling…pleasantly…”

~ Shea

“Torture is fun in the right context.”

~ A’zure

“No, the black stuff doesn’t come in pints. They consider that murder.”

~ Molly on a popular drow drink made of fermented mind flayer blood

“…or else you have to use the drow bank, which has the tendency to pick up and move after you put your money in it.”

~ Molly on our financial options

“A’zure’s drowning his sorrow in drow…drow prostitutes.”

~ Alexandra

“He is Mighty Banking Shea!”

“With interest-haggling action.”

~ Molly, Colleen

“An unholy bastard sword—probably sell it to an unholy bastard.”

~ Megan

“Just don’t touch me.”

“Okay, don’t look at me.”

“I’m going to ignore the mature conversation on my left.”

~ A’zure, Skadi, Shea

“We need to talk to you for a minute.”

“A long minute.”

“A couple of long minutes.”

~ Shea and A’zure to Pirithys

“If they wrap him up in duct tape and stash him in the closet, I had nothing to do with it.”

~ Laura, filling Sonnet in on what she missed while in the bathroom

“What Laucian? Has Torin fallen down the well again?”

~ Molly

“Some people are going to be traumatized by the whole encounter.”

“You said ‘hole.’ Heh heh heh heh heh…

~ Molly, Alexandra

“Ah. An ugly human. Well, it’s better than spit.”

~ Pirithys

“You can’t sing that in polite company!”

“We’re not polite.”

“Do we seem polite? Have we acted polite?”

“Do we look polite?”

~ Pirithys, Shea, A’zure

“Okay, apparently they are stupefied by their success. They just stand there—they rolled a one for initiative. They’re like ‘Oh shit! Our surprise round is over!’”

~ Molly

“Hey, Shea finally made it to the light!”

~ Megan

“You might want to kill him, because he has all the good treasure.”

“Hey, it’s DM radio!”

~ Molly, Megan

“The dagger’s just chillin’ there in his kidney…”

~ Alexandra

“You guys are bouncing a check in a drow temple.”

~ Molly

“I see heaven for Shea kinda like the Shire…with booze.”

“And sex!”

~ Kelly, Alexandra

“Oh great. You disturbed the Catholic.”

~ Sonnet

“Kiss it! Kiss it! We’ll get a hot man!…plushie…”

~ Colleen and the frog plushie

“I’m just taking a walk!”

“Right. Down a dark alley.”

~ A’zure, Tev

“They’re playing the ever-popular drow game ‘Go Die.’”

~ Molly

“Well…at least I have all my hit points back.”

“Famous last words!”

~ Sa-chan, Colleen

“Pain is the physical confirmation of life! Stop whining! I should write greeting cards.”

~ Kelly

“I am being quietly indignant from afar.”

~ Laucian

“They are at a tavern called…”

“The Assassin’s Guild!”

“…It’s a cover.”

~ Molly and Colleen on contacting the assassin’s guild

“I real assassin never takes credit card.”

~ Molly

“Apparently, I smoked some crack when making my character sheet.”

~ Megan

“Wow, suddenly Shea’s so gay!”

“That’s because Kelly’s a girl!”

~ Alexandra, Kelly

“Great axes make good door knockers.”

~ Skadi upon breaking a door down

“Let’s pretend this is an emergency—kinda like it is.”

~ Kelly

“As Skadi is the first to bravely die.”

~ Molly

“You should roll for initiative.”

“I’m dead!”

~ Megan, Kelly

“I’m sorry. You were asking for it.”

“No I wasn’t, but you gave it to me anyway!”

~ Laura, Kelly

“That’s more damage than I usually do.”

“At least to the enemy.”

~ Sa-chan, Molly

“Still not there.”

“Still dead.”

“Still smell.”

~ Shey, Shea, Skadi

“ ‘Oh! They only got one! Ha! You owe me money!’

‘Oh, damn.’”

~ Tes and Pirithys when seeing that only one of us died in the battle

“The clerics give you all a free healing because you’ve been such good customers…and because you all seem to have such problems.”

~ Molly

“Is anyone still bleeding?”

“Yes.”

“Well, unconscious and bleeding?”

“No.”

“Damn.”

~ Molly, Sonnet

“Self-Sacrificing Dex…That’s sounds like an action figure.”

“What would it do? It would just bleed and die.”

~ Molly, Sonnet

ADVENTURE 10: “Ah. Love.” “More like, AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! LOOOVE!!”

Gist: It's the Valentine Adventure! Cupid's mischievous; some Amazons feel frisky; some undead feel the need to warm our hearts with death rays. We get a new teammate: Celia/Loc, the sex-changing Bard. Tethys finally gets laid.

Duration (Real Time): One Day

“You evil, evil woman! Get your ass off my platypus!”

~ Sonnet to Colleen who was sitting on her platypus plushie

“Don’t make me confiscate the elf.”

~ Molly on Megan’s Legolas figurine

“I made dinner—oh, right. I’m not dressed for dinner.”

~ naked Tethys wooing Shea in human form

“I collected the best people from all over the multiverse…”

“But then they turned her down, so she got us!”

~ Tethys and Dex explaining things to Celia

“It’s Shea’s soul plushie!”

~ Tethys showing off her Clydesdale plushie

“You, new teammate, stop that. No slinking without the rest of us.”

~ Dex to Celia

“Hey, let me explain something to you. You have to work with us, because if you don’t we don’t get to go home—and I like the hot tub.”

~ A’zure to Celia

“Does it make you nervous that there are only women in this village?”

“Well, being a woman…no.”

~ A’zure, Laucian

“It was a toad, god dammit!”

~ Molly

“Molly is the snarky voice we know and love.”

~ Alexandra

“Skadi was like, ‘Wow! Chains!’”

~ Colleen

“Everyone’s ass is my playground.”

~ Alexandra

“Nothing, nothing works on my ovaries like long hair.”

~ Molly describes her perfect man

“I was trying to get the game going and get into town, but people were talking about Papa Johns and rape.”

~ Alexandra

“Molly is the DM. She’s the goddess!”

“I’m chewing.”

~ Laura, Molly

“Did you see my breadsticks?”

“No. I saw a security car, but nothing that looked like breadsticks.”

“Did they have my breadsticks?”

~ Laura, Kelly

“Dex is making lewd gestures at Shea.”

“Shea’s returning them.”

“That’s my pen you just licked!”

~ Sonnet, Kelly, Molly

“We gotta fight…Cupid?”

~ Sa-chan

Cupid’s Curse:

Laucian: LOVES Celia

Skadi: LOVES A’zure

Dex: HATES Shey

Shey: Narcissist

Brian: LOVES Celia

Celia: must write melancholy love poetry for no particular reason

A’zure: constantly followed by a soft fall of rose petals

Shea: everyone straight is in love with him

“Shey’s going to be under the covers—‘Me! Me!’”

~ Megan

“But Dex, she’s my mortal enemy. I finally have a mortal enemy…and she loves me.”

~ A’zure about Skadi

“Dex…what’s wrong? Other than the rose petals and Skadi’s in love with me, and Shey’s looking at himself in the mirror, and Laucian’s in love with Celia, and Brian’s in love with Celia and Shea’s been sold?”

“And I’m singing the blues!”

~ A’zure, Celia

Laucian: “What is…flip off?”

A’zure: “Make an obscene gesture.”

Laucian: “Oh, like this?”

Celia: “Oh…never do that to a gnome.”

“The only thing that seems to be out of order is the young gentleman shooting at us.”

~ Shea about Cupid

“When you snap out of this, make sure you tell me.”

“Something along the lines of ‘Um…Shea? Why’s my hand down your pants?’”

~ Kelly, Sonnet

“Suddenly, I feel like I’m in a bad Stargate fanfic.”

~ Kelly

“That was great! It was like vagina dive bombing penis!”

~ Colleen

“That was a visual thing. You just had to be there. I wish I weren’t here.”

~ Molly

“Ahhhh…me.”

~ Shey (still enchanted)

“I’m 32, a bachelor…”

~ Brian

“Foppish Ugly Man strikes again!”

~ Laura about Brian

“Elf sense…tingling.”

~ Laucian

“As you’re like ‘Undead + Death Glare + Damage Reduction = We’re Screwed.’”

~ Molly on her newest evil

“Dex, you okay? Skadi, you okay? I’m going to check on the dead ones…”

“They’re dead.”

~ Shea, Molly

“Soul plushies!”

~ Tethys

Soul plushie list:

Laucian – little SD Laucian

Skadi – bear

Dex – puppy

Shey – bitty panther

Brian – squirrel

Celia – cat

A’zure – peacock

Shea – war stallion

The cliff hanger:

Shey: “What is it?”

Shea: “A pearl!”

Tethys: “A peal? Pearls are icky!”

Shea: “Well, what is it?”

Tethys: “An egg!”

~ And so, Shea and Tethys’s godling child is born

ADVENTURE 11 (part 1): “It wonked.” “I hate you all.”

Gist: The beginning of the end. We've finally reached the culmination of all the plot strings. It has landed us on a planet where the magic is screwy. All spells have a 20% chance of failure (wonking) and when a spell wonks it doesn't just not work, it actually has some adverse effect on whomever cast it. We remeet Laucian's children--rescued by Tethys and raised by her son Ash, the God of Trees. Darlthorn comes back from his trip of self-discovery, a little less Lawful. We join a battle on the city wall to hold back the invading hordes of undead. They bring catapults.

Duration (Real Time): One Day

“He’s not so angry now.”

“He’s lost that righteous anger.”

“Now he’s just cranky.”

“Righteous crankiness!”

~ Molly and Sonnet on Darlthorn’s return

“What was that?”

“That was the language of trees.”

“Oh. It’s very…slow.”

“Yeah, trees aren’t in a big hurry.”

~ A’zure and the wizard-child (I forget his name)

“Oh! Nerf Darlthorn^TM!”

~ Dex on Darlthorn playing with the children (or the children playing with Darlthorn)

“Did you have fun playing with the Champions of Justice?”

~ Tethys to the children

“I’m so sorry…that he’s a wizard.”

~ A’zure to Laucian on her wizard-child

“I’m glad that you know they’re your kids. Now you can die knowing.”

~ Tethys to Laucian

“Oh, we got some more stupid ones.”

~ guard at the gate

“EW! They drank blood?”

“Well, now you’ve caught my attention.”

~ Laucian, Shea

“ ‘Skeletons’ and ‘pouring’ are not two words I want to hear in the same sentence.”

~ Laura

“How many are there?”

“Fifteen.”

“Again?”

“That seems to be standard skeleton squadron size.”

~ Sa-chan and Molly

“Ow. Ow ow ow. Those intestines are back.”

“Good to know they’re still there.”

~ Shea, Dex

“I hit them. I hit them. I hit them.”

“I am so surprised that you hit them.”

~ Kelly, Megan

“The undead have no sense of humor.”

~ Molly

“Shut up! I’m cleaving you!”

~ Skadi to the skeletons

“Downing. Oh shit, drowning.”

“In my own blood, and the rain.”

~ Skadi, Shea (after a spell goes wrong and it starts a downpour)

“Oh no no. It’s just starting, dear. I just brought you back because you looked like you needed help. Oh, and I thought you might want to see this—the egg is hatching.”

~ Tethys upon teleporting the group back to her realm for some rest and recovery

“Next week, it gets serious.”

“Yeah, ’cause we were just joking before.”

“Oh, you have no idea.”

~ Molly, Megan

ADVENTURE 11 (part 2): “It’s the end of the world as you know it…”

Gist: The battle continues. Eventually, we come to realize we had better go to the bad guy before he comes to us and destroys the whole city. We head out into wilderness. Skadi frolics. Dex eats sticks.

Duration (Real Time): Two Days

“The burning body…has gone out.”

~ Molly

“Rain on. Rain off.”

~ Molly

“You think you hear a faint giggle.”

~ Molly

“Your turn.”

“My turn?”

“You who go first, it is your turn.”

~ Molly, Sa-chan

“YAAAAH! IT’S RAINING UNDEAD!”

~ Celia

“Sho’s little screwing noise is adorable!”

~ Megan

“No, you didn’t actually kill Brian. The big flying rock killed him.”

~ Molly

“I’m good.”

“I’m dead.”

~ ?

“My left breast was here just a second ago…”

~ Laucian, after getting hit a glancing blow from a catapult

“No, I added! I have a bonus to screw!”

~ Megan (with great sarcasm)

“If anyone wants to heal your fighter, his leg is dangling, his arm is dangling… his neck is dangling.”

~ Kelly

“Roll a reflex save.”

“I’m dead!”

“Oh. Right then.”

~ Kelly, Molly

“Shea’s getting Brian.”

“In a bag.”

“It’s Brian to go!”

~ Kelly, Molly, Sa-chan

“She’s been through a lot…She might be sick.”

“I might be sick!!”

~ Laucian trying to disguise the fact that Skadi is pregnant with A’zure child from A’zure (who’s catching on)

“I just think it’s funny that he’s arguing with an inanimate object.”

“And losing.”

~ Alexandra and Kelly on A’zure’s fight with Darlthorn

“I’m going to pretend you have the same amount of hit points as a sheep.”

~ Molly to Colleen after her character is polymorphed into a sheep

“That’s so sad. She does more damage as a sheep than I do as a human.”

“She’s a sheep with Bull Strength—and she’s raging. She’s maaaaad.”

~ Alexandra, Megan

“Okay, Laucian looks like crap.”

“Skadi looks like a sheep!”

~ Megan, Colleen

“I will not be thwarted by the math! 15+8! 15+8!”

~ Megan

“The sheep is ooookay.”

~ Colleen

“When did we get theme music?”

~ Sonnet

“That’s so sad. If he gets killed by a sheep…”

~ Molly about one of her more impressive evils being taken out by a sheep

“I hate this thing. My natural enemy—big raspberry chocolate egg.”

“She’s got a +1 to slaying chocolate eggs!”

“Man, I’ve got an egg-slaying knife!”

“It has a +7 against eggs.”

“You’re not there, you’re reading the book!”

~ This is a lot funnier if it’s really late, and you’ve heard the Dead Alewives “D&D.” I don’t remember who all said this. I know the first line is Megan and the last one is Molly.

“The sheep looks skeptical.”

~ Molly speaking for Colleen

“When you’re a skeleton and you’ve gone to Bleak Academy, describing someone as ‘Really creepy’ is…”

“Really scary.”

~ Molly and Laura as the team finds and reads the bad guy’s journal

“I’m waitin’ for you, honey, shakin’ my hand here.”

~ Alexandra

“It shouldn’t be dangerous.”

“Oh! Just embarrassing!”

~ Molly, Sho

“That man is a walking violation of nature!”

~ Tethys on the bad guy

“I don’t like it when goddesses say things are ‘Creepy.’”

“Yeah. That’s not normally a good thing.”

~ Kelly, Laura

“Shey doesn’t like the forest. It sounds like something’s coming all the time…shut UP!!”

~ Shey says something completely innocent that sounds completely wrong…

“Shea made a sexual comment. They were amused.”

~ Kelly

“Skadi disappears for a while. Every once in a while, you can catch glimpses of her frolicking.”

~ Colleen when the team enters a forest

“Game! Find my flowers!”

“Oh, that sounds so dirty.”

~ Skadi, Molly

“Troop troop troop…”

“Frolic…frolic…frolic…”

~ Alexandra, Colleen

“Trooping trooping trooping…”

“Frolicking frolicking frolicking…”

“Glaring glaring glaring.”

~ Alexandra, Colleen, Sho

“A’zure’s not aroused. How can something nasty be building up?”

~ Skadi on the evil aura in the air

“Why can’t the necromancer be a woman?”

“Why can’t he be friendly?”

~ Alexandra, Megan

“Just Aleven, not TWOlevens.”

~ Sonnet to Colleen, who kept trying to subtract 22 hit points instead of 11

“I need another D6, D4, D10—D-something!”

~ Sho

“If only I had a brain!”

~ Molly

“Appearing in front of you…”

“Is a beautiful young man!”

“…no.”

~ Molly, Alexandra

“Your popcorn is on fire!”

~ Laura to Colleen

“What appears before you is something 9 feet tall.”

“Crap.”

“He has long fingers with extra joints.”

“Crap.”

“And wings.”

“Crap.”

“And a whip.”

“Crap.”

~ Molly, Kelly

“Dude looks like a lady.”

“No, dude look like a demon.”

~ ?, Molly

“Darlthorn is like oh fuck me, fuck me, except there is no place to fuck me…”

~ Molly

“Your mother was a sheep! With low standards!

~ Molly

“Maybe I can reason with him. Maybe if I promise him my eternal soul, he’ll go away.”

~ Celia, discussing the demon

“Skadi has three cure lights, one cure mod, and one cure serious. She just can’t think of it right now. So if you want to approach a raging barbarian who’s foaming at the mouth from behind, be my guest.”

~ Colleen, trying to figure out how to distribute her character’s healing potions to the team

“I’m out of spells, so…I guess I attack it. How much damage does a parasol do?”

“A parasol? I think it does 1D4 –3 damage.”

“Only 1?”

“It’s a PARASOL!”

“If I critical, I’m going to say I stick it up his ass.”

~ Sho (who’s character’s spells have wonked so many times, she is now dressed in a frilly dress and her sword has become a parasol) and Molly

“You find a big belt with an ugly buckle.”

“Oh. He’s a trucker.”

~ Molly, Alexandra

Molly: “Well, congratulations, everyone. You saved the world.”

Everyone: “YAY.”

ADVENTURE 12: “Sometimes I just have an out of the butt kinda day, and you all have to sit there and take it.”

Gist: Well, the plot is over, but we still have time before school is out and we get separated. So we have filler-adventures. This one takes us back to Hinithal's world, where we get there just in time to see her kidnapped by a dragon, who wants her for a mate. A hectic hunt for a replacement bride ensues.

Duration (Real Time): One Day

“I told you! I told you! She likes sheep! Sheep aren’t like children.”

~ A’zure’s commentary on how Skadi isn’t a fit mother

“Shea’s going to miss the free entertainment when he goes home.”

~ Kelly

“Have you seen Tev?”

“Well, not since his wife got back, but you HEAR HIM SOMETIMES!”

~ Shey, Tes

“You guys are probably like ‘EEEHH.’ Doin’ the Bardic secret hand shake.”

~ Molly, when Tes and Celia meet for the first time

“You see that over there? That’s the plot walking away.”

~ Alexandra

“Were you sleeping in a tree all night?”

“…couldn’t find a tree.”

~ Shea and Shey

“Two! Two should sheep—Aah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah…”

~ Colleen, imitating the Count (from Sesame Street)

“Roll a will save. You have to beat a 37.”

“…I’d have to roll a 25.”

~ Molly, Megan

“So, a cleric, a fighter, a rogue, a bard, a ranger, a sorcerer and a wizard walk into a bar…”

“Ow.”

~ Colleen, Sho

“He’s the elven equivalent of dirty.”

“Smudge. Glisten.”

~ Molly, Kelly

“Pretty soon, Tev will slip into vulgar drow, and then he’ll start to spit!”

~ Tes on Tev and Pirithys fighting

“Yeah. At this point, they’re probably exchanging Yo’ Mammas, or something.”

~ Molly, after hours of Tev and Pirithys fighting

“…that’s about the time he got the big stick shoved up his ass… Stupid dad.”

“Those are two sentences you shouldn’t put together.”

~ Tes, Brian

“What kind of mountain is it? Does it like long walks along the beach?”

“Mountains don’t generally like beaches.”

“ ‘Cliffs! They like cliffs,’ says Cedric knowingly.”

~ Colleen, Laura, Kelly

“A’zure’s like, ‘I’m going to get laid! I’m going to get laid! If only we could finish this, I can get laid!’”

~ Alexandra

“…He’s…kinda…”

“SUICIDAL, TO STEEL MY WOMAN!!!”

~ A’zure and Tev about the dragon

“Tev’s like—‘What?…Butterfly…’”

~ Molly after Tev is enchanted

“Hey, Murachi. Stop. Do you know any pretty, smart women who might not mind being mated to a dragon? Stop.”

~ Shey’s telegram to the head of his guild

“Don’t drink and cast! Accidents cause people!”

~ Megan, imitating a drunk wizard at the party

“He’s like Magic Date Pirithys.”

~ Molly explaining how Pirithys changed outfits from full armor to courtly tunic so quickly

“Is this going to involve you taking off your pants, because, really…”

~ Molly, playing another party-goer

“We’re hitting on her en masse.”

~ Molly

ADVENTURE 13: “Nice world, Shey. ...Like a giant litter box.”

More filler episodes! This one takes us to Shey's world. We meet wizards. We see desert. We get lost in a enchanted part of town that's determined to keep us. Skadi uses her tavern sense.

Duration (Real Time): One Day

“Even the butt-loving Greeks didn’t have a god of Sodomy.”

~ Molly

“Nipples!”

“Oh, now I can’t eat the gold ones.”

~ Alexandra and Kelly eating Hershey Kisses

“Elves court with a glacial slowness. It’s kinda fun, if you don’t have anything to do.”

“…for a few millennia.”

~ Tethys and Dex

“Open up, Laucian, I gotta put my stick in your bag. Heh.”

~ A’zure

“Congratulations, Shea! I’ll bring you a gift…when I can plane shift.”

~ A’zure on hearing Shea is a father

“Hi Hinthial!”

“Hi. I get laid more than you.”

~ Dex, Hinthial (to A’zure)

“I’ve never understood what was up with their demon duck.”

~ Hinthial on Gunge and Dex’s pet platypus

“…That’s what it smells like.”

“Baked shit and eggs?”

~ Colleen and Molly

“World not how it’s always been. Gonna throw up.”

~ Laucian experiencing vertigo

“Somebody spent all that time and effort to put up this spell to keep me out, so of course I’m going in.”

~ Shea on walking into a trap

“Meanwhile, we are DESCENDING INTO HELL.”

“Oh, it’s not hell. It’s just dark.”

~ Kelly, Molly

“No, you do not find your way out via tavern sense.”

~ Molly on Colleen’s suggestion of how Skadi could get the team out of the magically sealed part of town

“The Arc had God on its side. The Titanic just had the British.”

~ Molly

“It’s not exactly like ‘Nice tea. Wanna fuck?’”

~ Laucian on elven courtship

“Everybody’s name is Shay! It’s like the Smith and Mohammed of the universe.”

~ Alexandra

“You have the barbarian brainstorming. I don’t think this is a good idea.”

~ Colleen

Megan: “I wanna kiss that guy who cast that spell on that place.”

Molly: “He’s already dead.”

Megan: “Well, I should dig him up!”

Molly: “And kick him!”

Kelly: “Or at least stomp on the dust.”

“The demon whispers something to—…whoops.”

~ Molly, who was trying to hide the fact that the bad guy had a pet demon

“You were like, ‘NO!! DEMON SO HOT! MUST HAVE DEMON ASS. OH, YEAH, BABY, HURTS SO GOOD!’”

~ Molly

“The demon looks over his shoulder at the wizard kibble on the floor...”

~ Molly