Ambiguous by Zooie
Standard disclaimers apply

---

“Another coffee break, Duo?” Hilde asked sardonically. She cradled her mug of coffee in one hand, pulling a chair away from the formica table before sitting down. Reverently, she inhaled the plumes of steam rising from her mug. “God, that smells good. Caffeine to the rescue.”

Duo chuckled. “Sounds like you’re addicted, there, Miss Schbeicker. Columbia, watch out! Guard your coffee beans carefully tonight!”

“Oh, hush. You drink it, too.” Hilde returned.

“I,” Duo replied with the utmost dignity, “drink decaf.”

“Trying not to stunt your growth? That’s kind of a lost cause from what I’m seeing!” giggled his friend.

“We’re here for perspective. How would people know they were tall if they didn’t have midgets running around for comparison’s sake?”

“Just be careful no one shuts the door on you, again. Being below eye-level must be such a trial.”

“You would know. You’re just as short as I am.”

“Ah, but I’m a lady. And ladies always get attention.”

“Especially when they run around wearing raspberry berets. That thing‘s a neon beacon. They can probably see it on earth.”

“At least my hair doesn’t grope my butt!”

“At least my braid isn’t a lethal weapon like your bangs! You could poke someone’s eye out with those things!”

“I’ll have you know that Paul Mitchell himself sent me a note, thanking me for my generous patronage of his styling products. I am the single largest buyer of hair spray in the entire earth sphere!”

“So that’s where all the money’s been disappearing to!”

“A lady must be willing to sacrifice for her beauty.”

“Yeah, but does she have to starve to death in the process?”

“Oh, ho! See if I ever make steak for you again.”

“That would be quite the threat if you steak was edible. I almost lost a tooth trying to eat that mess.”

“At least I am not the proud creator of the flying grilled cheese sandwich of death.”

“It’s not my fault the thing caught on fire!”

“You didn’t have to throw it at me!”

“I was aiming for the window!”

“Why would you do that in the first place?!”

“Because someone was complaining that the house was going to burn down!”

“I’d rather burn down the house than the entire junkyard!”

“I’d rather burn down the entire junkyard than have you die in a flaming house!”

“Well, I’d rather... wait, huh? Was that just an admission of affection? Did the great Duo Maxwell just admit that he cared how I met my demise?!”

“Don’t take it so personal, girl. It’s not like you could burn to death anyway, with all that flame-retardant polyester you wear.”

“Awww, you love me! You really, really love me!”

“You have three seconds to remove your vile tentacles from my person before I snap off those mousse-encrusted bangs of yours.”

“Ouch! Hey, lay off with the elbows!”

“Only if you stop with the kicking! Oi! That was my knee, you twit!”

“Serves you right. That’ll teach you to joke about the hair.”

“Ow! That hurt, Hilde!”

“Mess with the best, go down like the rest.”

“The only thing going down you is a hallucinating Chihuahua.”

“At least it would slobber less than you. And it wouldn’t shed as much.”

“Jerk.”

“Moron.”

“...”

“...”

“Hey, Hilde?”

“Yeah, Duo?”

“No hard feelings, right?”

“No, I would say not.”

“Hilde! Stop looking at my crotch!”

“Oh, bite me. That’s the closest I’m ever gonna get to it. You denying me the view?”

“I don’t stare at your boobs!”

“Duo, I don’t have any boobs.”

“Well, if you did I wouldn’t stare at them.”

“Suuuure you wouldn’t.”

“Shut up and drink your coffee, Hilde."

********

The End

*********

Zooie: And that is where I stand on that. Written because someone asked what I thought of the Duo/Hilde relationship.

Back to Zooie's Fan Fictions

Back to Fan Fiction Index