Subjects of My Sanity - Part 19 by Terrasa
Standard disclaimers apply

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~Subject: Wufei~

The ceiling was white. Too white to be the place at the school. To clean to be familiar. Turning my head, I quickly glanced around the room, searching in a minutes panic for the answer to where I was. These days saw me waking up like this too often. I don’t think it was very good for my health on that note.

As my eyes scanned the room, my memory started to slowly return. Benzie had come for me. He had found me at the school. Another panic filled thought ran through my head as I realized that I was probably at the apartments. But… I’d never seen that girl before; the one now noticeably sleeping beside the bed, white bandages clutched in her fists as she snored softly against the back of a chair.

Confusion welled inside of me for a second as I looked at those bandages. Instinct had me reaching up to my head, for the first time noticing that my forehead was wrapped. Was my head hurt? Just as that thought came, a small throbbing from the back of my skull informed me that I was in fact hurt.

Sitting up, I pushed my legs off the bed, wincing as my head started to pound from the small movement.

“Ah! Hey, take it easy there!” A sharp voice demanded, causing another wave of pain. The girl was awake now. The bed‘s loud creaking must have woken her up. “Your head is banged up pretty bad… if you asked me, you should have gone to the hospital for that one. But that bonehead wouldn’t listen to me anyway.” For a second there, I had the feeling she had forgotten about me. She had gotten up from the chair and was pacing around the room now, looking pissed off about something.

“Bonehead?” I asked, trying to figure out just what this strange girl was going off about.

“Aa, Duo brought you here with a bunch of other weirdo’s. Said you needed a place to stay.” She didn’t look to happy as she said that, and I got the feeling that I probably wasn’t really welcome here. Not that I cared much. I wasn’t really wanted anywhere, so why would staying here, with another unfriendly person make me feel any worse?

“Where are they? Are they alright? What happened?” I mentally cringed as those questions came out of my mouth. I probably sounded too desperate for answers. Not a very good first impression if you ask me. Well, I guess an unconscious boy wasn’t too impressive either to this girl.

“Che!” Her eyes rolled up to the ceiling as she turned away, going to occupy herself with something across the room as she spoke. “Well, I guess you were the worst off of them all. Duo sure seemed fine to me. I swear, that kid is damn trouble! As for what happened… I was hoping you could tell me, seeing as Mr. Braid wouldn’t clue me in on anything! He just expects me to drop everything and come to his rescue!” Her hands were thrown up into the air, a dramatic gesture that had me unconsciously labeling her as ’weird’. “You know what…” she mumbled, to no one but herself, “I bet he’s just trying to get back at me for all those pranks as a kid. Jeez! Who’da figured he’d be so hard headed in forgiveness! It wasn’t like I meant to-”

“Uh…” I held up my hand, trying to stop her loud voice from causing my head any more pain than it was already experiencing.

She gave a whispered ‘sorry’ before taking a couple steps back, face looking in my direction nervously. “I didn’t mean to-”

“Where am I?”

“Oh! I was getting to that. You’re in a church right now, though you can’t really tell because of this room right now, not with it being in the back and-”

“Onna! Would you just be quiet for one second?!” I took a deep breath. Her mouth actually shut for awhile. She was probably to busy trying to figure out what it was I had just called her.

“Ok, just who the hell are you?”

“Ah! I forgot to introduce myself, didn’t I? I’m Sally. I go to the same school as you. I guess you wouldn’t remember me from first hour seeing as you-”

“I remember, I remember.” I growled in irritation. For a moment I was starting to wish Duo was here instead of this thick headed woman! Didn’t she see that her voice was not helping my head any?

“Well, now that your awake, I’ll leave you to get some more rest. I’ll be down the hall if you need anything, but I wouldn’t suggest getting up anytime soon. You took a pretty hard hit to the back of your skull so it wouldn’t be surprising if you get dizzy every once and awhile.”

“Aa. Thanks.” I grumbled, leaning back into the headboard of the bed as she, thankfully, exited the room. I was left alone, with a now splitting headache.

As I stared at the plain wall in front of me, my thoughts turned back to what had just happened. Was it yesterday? I actually couldn’t even tell what time it was. Probably night, seeing as the room was so dark. That was probably a good thing, since the bright lights would not do my head any good.

I tried to think back to what had happened, but all I could remember was Benzie, entering the room. Everything beyond that was a blur. I know I must have passed out… somehow, but I could not figure out just how. How… how… how? Just how did Benzie find me up there? Did I let my guard down and not notice them following me? I knew they were at the school… I knew I shouldn’t have stayed…

I’m an idiot.

I should have left long ago. I should have skipped town. Staying… staying here only ensured that the boss would fine me one of these days. And the next time… I wouldn’t be so lucky as to get away.

Duo brought me here… with the others. That meant that they were alright. At least, that was what Sally had told me. She seemed trustworthy enough, but I couldn’t help but worry about whether they were really ok or not. I needed to see them to be sure… but I don’t think I could see them again. Not after what I put them through. They hadn’t even stayed till I woke up… they probably didn’t want to see me anymore anyway. I was nothing but trouble.

My head fell down into my hands and the room started to spin. Clenching my eyes tightly, I tried to push away the dizziness. I was tired… I wanted nothing more than to sleep. But I couldn’t. Not with the thoughts that were running through my head just then. Not with the feelings of guilt that were starting to take over.

Duo and Heero were there when Benzie and his friend came. Quatre and Trowa were so close to the door… so close to the two men. They had been put in danger because of me. They could have gotten hurt… and maybe they were. I wanted to speak to someone. I needed to know what was going on… what had happened. I found myself getting scared all over again… but this time… not for myself.

What would have happened if… if Benzie… if he were to hurt one of them. My fault… my fault…

“Baka!” Through clenched teeth, I cursed at myself while mentally berating myself for being so weak… once again. How could I have gotten them involved? Why did I even let them get close to me in the first place… why did I let Duo talk to me… confess to me… like I was a friend? I wasn’t anyone’s friend. I couldn’t afford them. Associating with me would only get one hurt.

I had to leave.

I couldn’t stay here… knowing that one of them could get hurt because of me.

I should have left sooner… maybe it would have prevented this.

It was too late now though. It was too late to run away. Not when they knew… not when they had seen me… seen Duo and Heero and Quatre and Trowa.

I pushed my legs off of the bed, stumbling as I brought my body in an upright position. My hand caught the edge of the dresser as I made my way carefully to the door, exiting without looking back… without any last regrets, leaving only a small token that I was once there. I hoped that Sally would take the hint… and maybe give it to Duo. There was only a small possibility that he would actually get the object I was going to leave in his possession; seeing as that Sally girl didn’t really seem to like him all that much. For some reason though… I didn’t want to go without leaving some memento behind. Something to say that I had in fact been here once.

Navigating the church was rather difficult. I found myself walking into random closet doors on more than one occasion. I blamed it on the headache. Finally, after what seemed like forever, I was turned in the direction of the churches main hall, the one that led outside… my destination.

The cold air actually felt good as I stepped out to the dark streets. I took a deep breath… still not once turning back to look at where I had been. My strength seemed to slowly be returning to me as I made my way down the creepy roads. I had a feeling it was still early morning, the sun not yet risen but the birds were chirping somewhere far off in the distance. My mouth unconsciously twisted up into a smile as I looked around. I was free at that moment. And it felt good. But I knew it was only momentary. Soon it would be back to how things used to be… soon I might be dead.

It took about three hours to actually make it to my aim. Three long hours in which I walked, in no hurry towards the direction of my former home. I now stood in front of the run down building, smile long gone as I realized just what I was going to do.

There was a screaming voice in my head… yelling at me… calling me a fool for coming back here. For giving up. But I ignored it… I pushed it away. This was the right thing to do. This was the only way to put and end to the boss‘s pursuit.

I would go back to the him. To protect those who used to be my friends… I would stop running. The boss would have found me sooner or later, anyway. And now I just had to face the facts. My life was doomed from the start. Running away was not the answer. Running away would not set me free.

A small step forward… I was now standing just at the doorstep. One more tiny step and I would be at the door. The door, with its rusty handle allowing only those in who were actually brave enough to take the loud screeching it gave off.

My hand reached out… touching the cold metal and I found myself shivering, but not from the cold. The realization hit me full force, the temporary thoughts of freedom fled; I was really here. I was really doing this. There was no turning back. Or was there?

I was giving up… I know… no matter how much I told myself I was doing the right thing…

I was still scared. No one wants to die. I did not want to die. If I could just stay one more day with my friends…. with Quatre… Trowa, even the loud mouthed Duo…

But I couldn’t.

One more day with them would be one more day in which they were in danger. I wouldn’t let that happen. I should not have gotten them involved in the first place.

I was losing it.

The door creaked as I opened it, swinging it wide to show the darkness within. Everyone was probably still sleeping. That didn’t surprise me much.

My heart pounded in my chest as I stepped into the dark hallway of the place I had sworn to never return to, closing the door behind me as I did so. The fear had left me, for I was too internally numb to feel anything anymore, once inside. My feet carried me forward, unconsciously moving me in a random direction. I did not know where I was going to go. To the boss? To my old room? Maybe I’d just wait here in the hallway.

The decision was taken for me. The sharp pain from behind told me I had been found. My knees buckled and I fell to the floor, hearing only the disgusting laughter before I passed out into the world of darkness.

 

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~Subject: Duo~

“You haven’t gone home?!” Quatre nearly yelled, looking at me with wide eyes.

I’d accidentally let it slip that I had been staying at Heero’s house for the last couple days. Obviously Quatre didn’t think that was a very wise thing to do.

“Duo! There going to think you were kidnapped, or ran away… or that you were hurt!” He exclaimed, standing up from where he had been seated. Yup, he definitely wasn’t taking it too well.

We were currently in an empty classroom, students having already left to go eat lunch. The dumb teacher had insisted we both stay behind an extra five minutes to punish us for talking during one of his lectures. Of course, he didn’t want to waste any of his lunch time, so he left us to serve our short detention alone.

I chuckled slightly as I watched the emotions play on Quatre’s face. Sometimes I worried about that boy. He was going to give himself a heart attack one of these days with all the worrying he does. It’s a wonder that he didn’t worry about homework like he does everything else. Well, it could be for the fact that he is super smart kid who seems to know all this stuff already. That just made me wonder just what kind of life he lived before joining the world of high school.

“Don’t think too much about it Q. I seriously doubt that they care. You don’t see any police out looking for me do you?” He cringed at my sarcastic words, maybe because he knew I wasn’t all that happy with the fact that my parents hadn’t even called to report that I was missing!

Speaking of missing persons….

“Did you hear anything about Wufei?” I asked quickly, hoping to change the subject to something more… well, I cant really say that this topic would be any less gloomy, but at least the subject wasn’t me anymore.

Quatre’s face fell and he sat back down in his chair, a small sigh escaping his lips as he did so. “No. No one I’ve talked to has seen anyone that matches his description. I tried asking one of the teachers, but they just said it was normal for him to miss a couple days of school.

Wufei had been missing for more than just a couple of days now. Sally had been rather upset when we showed up, chewing us out about him leaving when he was so sick. It wasn’t like it was our fault or anything. She was such a major grouch sometimes! The only thing that was left behind was the small object I was currently playing with right now. The small black box that was once in the possession of Wufei. I don’t really know why he left it… well… I don’t know a lot of things.

Wufei’s disappearance was not too surprising to me… but it still was a little irritating that he didn’t even wait to say goodbye before taking off and leaving. Quatre had been frantically searching for him. I think he thought Wufei had been kidnapped, and he would not get that thought out of his head no matter what any of us told him.

“I wonder what that thing is.” Quatre’s quiet question brought me to look back up to him. He was staring at the oh so mysterious box in my hand.

“Well… we won’t ever find out this way.”

“What do you mean?” He asked, eyebrows crinkling together in confusion.

“Well, we are never going to figure out what it is unless we go and investigate!” I said, grin spreading on my lips as I thought of all the fun that could be had exploring into the unknown realm of… er… the magic black box!

“Investigate?” Quatre backed up a little, already not liking what I was proposing.

“If I remember correctly. You said your father had something like this in his possession… no?”

His light blue eyes widened slightly. “But… he’s not just going to up and tell us what it is.” Quatre quickly spit out, looking a little on the nervous side now.

“Who said anything about asking him?”

“Then what-”

“I said investigate! Investigate into the situation! I propose we search through your father’s possessions… yes, yes… and see if we can come up with anything!” I stared at him, feature showing nothing but my seriousness.

“What! You have got to be joking!”

“And why would I be joking?” I asked, smile fading as I saw the frantic look on his face. “It’s not like he is going to find out.”

“But… that’s breaking and entering…”

“Quatre! You live there you doof! How could you break into your own home?!” For some reason, this conversation seemed a little familiar.

“But…”

“Well at least think about it.” I huffed, crossing my arms in front of my chest. “Sitting around looking at this thing isn’t brining us anywhere. And who knows, maybe it will lead us to Wufei.” I pushed the object back into my pocket as we stood and started towards the door.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, Wufei must have left this for a reason, right?” Quatre’s eyes lit up. Woohoo! Now just to sit and wait for the wheels to turn.

The blond followed me out into the hallways, eyes downcast, lip sucked into his mouth as he thought about what I had just said. It wasn’t until we came to the cafeteria that he finally mumbled, “Alright. But if we get caught…”

“I know, I know. I’ll let you skin me alive or something!”

“No, no… I’d much rather have my human slave alive, thank you very much.” I looked over to him after his little statement, seeing the smirk on his face.

“Well then, I’ll just have to make sure we don’t get caught!” I was really determined now to fulfill that promise.

“I still don’t think we’re going to find anything.” He grumbled as if angry, but the smile on his face proved otherwise.

“Well, ya never know unless ya try!” What a great modo that one is! I chuckled at my little joke as we approached out destination.

Trowa and Heero were already eating as we sat down next to them. Both barely glanced up from their food to acknowledge our presence. I was used to that though, so I just shrugged it off before going to my own food, mind wandering back to the last couple of days. I don’t know if Heero was getting mad that I kept sleeping over at his place. It was hard to tell with him… but he never turned me down when I asked him. I still felt like I was intruding though, and the only thing that kept me from going home was the thought of what would happen if I did go back… or what wouldn’t happen.

You’d think that any parents would call the police to report that their child was missing. One would think… that parents should feel obligated to look out for their young ones. But… there was always that large percentage of children that don’t fall into the happy family life. I was unlucky enough to be apart of those numbers.

Sighing, I shoved those thoughts out of my head, only to have them replaced with even more depressing thoughts. Thoughts of how I ended up at Heero’s in the first place.

I still had that shirt… the black one with the inside covered in blood… my blood. A small hole was the only thing that actually stood out, and I was surprised that I had forgotten about it until now. I should have thrown it away before Heero’s chances of finding it increase. That would not be good. Imagine having to explain that I was really shot… and that I… that I…

I sighed again, picking at the food in front of me absently. I’d been pretty depressed these days. More so than usual. Which is why I hadn’t gone home that one day. I don’t think I could deal with a beating added onto my misery. With all the things going on… I couldn’t help but feel like shit. Feel useless. And I was… I was a damn useless blabbing idiot. Smart or not, I was still lacking when it came to life.

My hand dropped down to touch my stomach, unconsciously rubbing the spot where I had been shot. The bullet hadn’t hurt. It was too quick to enter to actually cause me much pain. But the memory was still there, in my mind, the visions of that frightening day. I wonder if it was still in there, the bullet… inside of me. A small token from that frightening day.

I know I wasn’t the only one who was freaked out by the two thugs that charged in on us. I know I wasn’t the only one that went into a little bit of shock. But… I shouldn’t have been scared like they were. I shouldn’t have had the worry of getting hurt.

I hadn’t wanted to die. For the first time… the first time in so long, I was actually glad that I did not die from that bullet. Why? I don’t know. Maybe it was because… because I had no control over it. Maybe because it was someone else behind the arrow this time. Maybe it was the thought… that if I died, if I was killed that day, then I would not be able to see the end of this fight. I would not be able to see what happens with Wufei… if he escapes… if he dies. I wouldn’t… be able to see the future.

I wanted the future. For the first time… I wanted a future for myself… with these people. With my friends.

Those thoughts scared me even more than death now. Those thoughts could be the end of me. What would I do if this was shattered? What would I do if I lost my friends in this… oncoming future of mine? The pain would be back… I would be alone… and I would not be able to push it away. I would not be able to leave this place behind and go to the painless afterlife.

And it all scared me.

 

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I wouldn’t cry.

That night, when Heero was fast asleep, I held back the tears that wanted to fall. I couldn’t, however, hold back the anger that was dwelling inside of me as I thought of what was going to become of me. I was going to kill myself one way or another. If I couldn’t die physically, then it was only a matter of time before I died inside. All the confused feelings inside of me… all the pain was going to drive me crazy.

I needed a distraction. Distractions were always good.

We’d be going to Quatre’s house tomorrow. That would have to do for now. Just keep myself busy… keep myself from thinking… then maybe I wouldn’t lose my sanity after all.

Pinching my eyes shut, I moved closer to Heero, slowly wrapping my arms around his sleeping form. My head fell to lay against him, ear positioned right over his chest. The soft sound… the quiet beats of his heart lulled me to sleep. I concentrated on that rhythm, I let all other thoughts leave me as I was filled with that sound. This would do as a good distraction… this would get me to sleep.

It kept my thoughts at bay… if only for a little while. I didn’t have to think about my problems anymore that night. I didn’t once think back to my parents at home, not even giving a care where I was. I fell into slumber with a soft smile on my face, not once feeling like tomorrow would just bring more pain inside.

The temporary happiness couldn’t last forever. But I didn’t care. I was just happy that Heero was there… unconsciously giving me the little bit of comfort I needed to start another day.

 

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TBC

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