So it Started - Part 1 by Terrasa
Standard disclaimers apply

Heero POV

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It began as a light kiss on the cheek, on the day that meant so much to Duo. Christmas, always had him excited, or so he said. Maybe it was because he didn’t get to actually enjoy and celebrate it that often. Being in the war, fighting all the time, one loses many opportunities like sitting down with a warm cup of eggnog. Truthfully, I never liked the drink, Duo had me try it once, saying it would cheer me up for sure. I had really wanted to spit it out, the creamy taste was just too… different. But, I drank the cup he had poured, stated that I liked it. I lied to him, only so he would not get disappointed in me… only so I could see his smile.

Back then, I hadn’t realized what I was doing, I hadn’t realized just how much Duo meant to me. And I didn’t figure it out for a long while after… after the certain events that had me in more emotional pain then I had ever been… and it all started with a simple kiss.

I had just gotten out of the shower. All the holiday ‘cheer’ Duo made us go through that day took a toll on my body. I wanted nothing more than to go to sleep, after my nice warm shower. Little did I know that I wouldn’t get any sleep that night, and for good reason.

“Heeeeero?” Duo’s head popped in through my bedroom door, big grin set on his face as he took in my glare. It never did have the effect it was suppose to, Duo never even batted and eye at my cold expressions. He let himself in, not waiting for my consent, like usual. I just sat in my desk chair, towel rubbing lightly on my damp hair, eyes looking to him in question.

He didn’t say anything as he walked to stand before me. That should have told me something was up, right away. But, my brain was too tired to notice anything off about his behavior. I didn’t even think that his big grin, awkward silence, meant anything. I blame it on the eggnog. And the presents… I had gotten four, more so than I had ever gotten in one sitting. Relena had, of course, been apart of my holiday ‘cheer’, as Duo liked to call it. She had sent me a couple sweaters… I still could not understand why. Was she trying to tell me that my tank tops were no good? I also got some random useful items from Trowa, Quatre and Wufei. Things that were much more useful than the sweaters Relena had made me. Maybe I didn’t think they were going to be useful… because she had somehow decided I needed to wear yellow. Or maybe she was just trying to get me to match, seeing as I wasn’t in a hurry to ditch my comfortable yellow sneakers any time soon.

The only person I had not received anything from was Duo. That had me a little disappointed… well, I hadn’t really gotten him anything either, but he was the one who had been making such a fuss over this whole holiday thing in the first place. Making sure we had a tree, even if it was only three feet tall, and held only a dozen or so lights. Anything bigger than that would draw attention, at least that is what I told him when he set his mind on getting the damn thing. Truthfully, I could not stand the smell they gave off, I don’t know why… maybe it was because it was familiar… a familiar smell and it scared me. Something of my past that I did not want to be brought back to the surface… something about my childhood, the parts so easily forgotten, because they lacked importance.

Duo was now standing, poised over me, the grin slowly faded from his face as he stared at me. I did nothing, but looked at him with the same emotionless expression I had always used. I waited, wondering what he was planning to say… but I was wrong on that thought, he didn’t want to say anything… he had something else in mind for me.

I froze up as he leaned forward. I would have jumped up, slamming my gun into his face, if I had the time. I had to admit, he was quick to do what he came for, leaving with an even quicker, “Goodnight.”

My eyes widened when my mind finally processed what had happened. I couldn’t stop the hand that came up to touch the spot on my cheek, the spot his lips had brushed across for a tenth of a second. I was puzzled… I was confused… did Duo just kiss me?

That night was restless for me, I still did not understand why Duo would do something like that. Was it his present to me? A kiss for Christmas? I had mulled over the idea that maybe Duo had put mistletoe in my room. I had only recently learned of that odd tradition, but there was no mistletoe, there was no reason for his actions, and therefore I was left with no answer and even less sleep.

The next morning had me staring at Duo, watching his every move.

He showed nothing.

No signs of anything bothering him, no signs of uncomfortable ness, the very feeling I was trying so hard to hide. His smile was the same, his laugh was the same, he joked like himself, but… he barely looked at me. Usually he would direct his jokes towards me, talk mostly to me even though I wouldn’t respond half the time, and if I did respond it was only to tell him he was an idiot. Today, everything was directed towards Wufei… and I felt… strange. I could not describe the feeling… but I know I did not like it… I know I wanted it gone.

Night came, too quickly. I wanted to watch Duo some more, maybe then be able to analyze him, figure out what that kiss had meant. It was driving me mad… as that thought hit me… I knew I had to stop this… I had to stop whatever it was swirling inside of me.

Duo didn’t mean anything by it… if he had, he would have told me. It was nothing more than a kiss… nothing more than a comfort. I lied to myself that night, I believed myself too, even when Duo came in, me sitting in my chair, in the same spot. I even believed my lie, that Duo didn’t mean anything by his actions, when he kissed me a second time, this time on my other cheek.

I slept much better that night… forcing the feelings inside away.

 

 

Weeks went by, every night Duo would come in, kissing me on the cheek and giving a whispered “Goodnight.” After the first couple of times I tried to stop him, tried to avoid him as much as possible. He was a more clever person than I gave him credit for though, and I soon gave up my hopeless battle with him. I never said anything in response, I never asked him why he did what he was doing. I never thought much about it after it became a normal routine. That is, until things took for a little change.

It was at the end of January, the war was getting pretty tense, people were dying way too much lately, it seemed. Everyone of us pilots seemed to be depressed one time or another. Duo, had seemed to decided that today was ‘his’ day to give into the depression. He had slumped into my room that night, and I was waiting for him. I had grown accustomed to it, memorized the time he usually came in, so as to do something resembling ‘greeting him’ at the door. Even if the greeting was only done silently.

His eyes were not as cheerful, which… I admit, bothered me.

I was sitting at my desk chair, only it was not the same chair, since we rarely stayed at a safe house for very long. He walked over, and I prepared myself for his soft lips pressing on my cheek… I waited… there was nothing. I think he saw the confusion swirling inside off me, because he smiled, gently, hand coming up to touch my chin. I could clearly say that I was shocked when he leaned down, not aiming for the side of my face, but for a new spot. His warm lips brushed mine quickly, before pulling away.

“Good night.”

I sat in my chair for what seemed like most of the night. Thinking… trying to figure out what it was ‘now’ that Duo was thinking. My little lie was crushed, I could no longer tell myself that Duo was kissing me for no reason… but I couldn’t tell myself the real reason either. Though, I knew what it was… but it took me a long time to actually admit it. I have never been good with my feelings, never been one to understand the actions of others. And that itself, was my major flaw in life.

It came to the point, months later, that I started to feel a need growing inside of me… something like my control being twisted, something was shaping my will. I had trouble sleeping if Duo did not come in to set me to bed. When he was off on a mission, leaving me alone… I found I missed him… and it frightened me, made me mad that I was losing so much control… but I would not dwell on those feelings. Like all the other things… I set them aside… for another day, to analyze… maybe when I was stronger.

The one thing that kept me going was my new lie… I lied to myself once again. Without a reason, I would go crazy, so instead of asking Duo for it, I made it up myself. It’s funny how I could actually get myself to really believe it… no matter how absurd it was… I believed that Duo needed those small kisses at night, the comfort… I told myself that he did it for the better of the mission, for a better mind set of some sorts. Pathetic, really. In actuality… I was starting to need him more than he ever needed me at the time.

 

 

I lay in my bed, staring up at the ceiling, Duo would not be back from his mission until tomorrow. That left me to think over the memories of the previous nights. Somehow, I had noticed that Duo seemed to stay longer and longer… his lips, which at first pulled back right away, quickly as not to anger me, seemed to stick around… a little bit longer each time. And I did not complain… I actually enjoyed it… the calmness it provided.

But… I know this wasn’t suppose to happen… something inside of me kept scolding me for being weak… for giving in to Duo’s silent demands. For ignoring the problem.

He came back late the next night, I heard him as he drug his weight into his room… he did not come to see me. That told me just how exhausted he must have been… just how tiring his mission probably was. For some reason, my feet seemed to carry me out of my room, quietly into his. The door closed softly behind me and he did not even move from where he lay. His hand was resting lightly over his forehead, his body, illuminated by the small amount of light coming from the window, was leaning half on the bed, knees bent where the edge were.

I moved quietly towards him. Still he did not notice me, he didn’t, until I placed my hand around his ankle, intent on taking off his shoes for him. His head snapped up quickly then, in fright, before violet eyes widened when realizing that it was me. He never took his stunned eyes off of me as I slowly unlaced his boots, sliding them off to fall to the floor below. His head fell back against the soft mattress when I finished, obviously too tired to keep it raised any further. It must have taken all of his reserved energy just to make it up the stairs to his room.

I silently walked over, kneeling beside the bed, where I could be in a better position to help him undress. It was rather difficult getting that priest garb thing he insists on wearing off of him. It was like trying to undress a dead man, a heavy dead man. Knowing he wouldn’t appreciate me taking off his pants for him, I stopped there with the undressing. My eyes scanned his bare chest, taking in the curves, mind reminding myself that I was only looking for injuries. Of course, I just needed an excuse, any one would do.

Pulling back the covers just enough to get him under, I then picked his limp body up off the bed… it almost reminded me of a child… he seemed weak… though I knew that he was just the opposite. But it was fascinating… being able to see this side of him, the side he rarely ever shows.

I stood above him for a good long while after he was nicely tucked in. Maybe I was waiting for his eyes to close, or something that would tell me I should leave. But, his big eyes just sleepily looked up to me, as if waiting for something, also. I couldn’t stop myself as I bent down, kissing him softly on the lips. The first time I had done so… the first time I had returned the favor. His eyes fluttered closed as I pulled away, a soft sigh escaping his now slightly parted lips.

“Good night.” I said, surprising myself slightly. And then I left, back to my room… where sleep welcomed me a little too easily.

 

 

I thought I was done with the surprises. Nothing was new, nothing seemed to change for a long time after that. My insomnia was bad when I was away on a mission, but the only thing that kept me going was the thought that it would not last, I would sleep fine once back home… If a safe house does much for the ‘home’ factor. The surprises didn’t end though, and I was starting to tear up inside, my mind not being able to deny the frightening thoughts any longer.

Duo… had come in again one night. I was waiting for him like usual… my normal place, sitting on my desk chair. My laptop had been closed long ago, mission reports finished a little too quickly. He was smiling a little wider than normal, and with Duo, it meant he was up to something. His lips descended on mine, eyes fluttering closed… I remember thinking ‘this is nice…’ before I noticed Duo’s mouth, opening ever so slightly, tongue shooting out to flick against my bottom lip.

I sat there, wide eyed, long after he left.

Why did he continue to do this to me?

Why does he constantly make me suffer with his actions? My mind went crazy thinking up what lie I should tell myself now. There was nothing… so I pushed it aside… waiting for something to come and put all my shattered emotions back together again. Something to tell me just what the hell was going on.

I glared angrily at Duo as he entered my room the next night. I was pissed, I was mad at him for doing this to me. He didn’t seemed fazed at all, and instead walked up to me with his usual smirk. I should have pushed him away… but I couldn’t… I was really turning weak when it came to him.

Damnit!

His lips pressed, harder than normal against mine, making me feel light in the head, a weird sensation that wasn’t altogether unpleasant. Lips parted softly as his tongue swiped across my lip once again. I couldn’t hold in the gasp that escaped… the exhaled breath causing my mouth to part… just as he had wanted. I couldn’t remember much of what happened as his tongue thrust into my mouth, skillfully tangling with my own. It was like I had shut down, mind gone numb. My breathing came out as fast pants as he finally pulled away, leaving me with my eyes closed, leaning heavily back in my chair, not planning on getting up for a good long while.

Everyday he seemed to make me feel more and more out of control, it got to the point where I started to hide again… forcing myself to leave my room before he would come in, in search of me. I couldn’t sleep… but I would rather not sleep than lose myself to him.

There was no more lies to tell myself… I had no more conclusions to why he was doing this to me. The answer was simple, just ask… ask him, Duo, why he was doing this to me… why he was making me feel like… like I couldn’t breath sometimes… like I would collapse inside of my head if I even so much as recalled what had been happening. The strange sensation that is killing me… or killing something inside of me… I do not know what it is… I do not know why I am… frightened… to ask for answers. Being independent for so long has shaped me into being hard, cold, a person whom does not ask for help, I find answers on my own.

I avoided Duo for a week… I slept barely an hour at a time. I went out to battle with a heavy head, eyes drooping with lack of rest… I could have died because of my shortened control. I needed to stop this. I needed to stop being dependant on a simple comfort to get me to sleep… I needed to get back to who I used to be. I needed to get away from Duo, for good.

I came home, after all the killing I had done that day… praying that I would find sleep. Instead, I found Duo… sitting on the couch, eyes glued to me. He looked… tired… depressed… something I had never seen from him.

“Heero.” He said, smile coming across his lips. I could tell it was forced, did not come nearly as high as it should have. “The mission went well?” He asked, eyes scanning over my body, maybe in search of injuries. All I had were some bruises, nothing he could see because of my clothing.

I ignored his question, he should know by now that I will never fail my missions. I don’t know what would happen if I had failed today. Months ago, I would have just made up for a failure, figured out some way to get revenge… but with my current mind set… I might have just died, calling myself weak, giving up. The mask was slipping… I was starting to realize something… something… but what was it?

Feelings?

Emotions?

What do those really mean? They are just words… words I know well… but do I actually know their true meaning? I understand the basics of what they are suppose to represent, I know that there are certain things required in order to actually feel those… emotions… truly understand those feelings… have them, acknowledge them.

I was starting to comprehend… little by little I was seeing what Duo was showing me… why he was doing what he was, acting like he was. But, my mind could not be made up, I would not let him take me… and therefore I pushed him away… further and further… even though I saw how much I was hurting him. I made him depressed… if only for a short while.

He seemed to get over my avoidance within a weeks time, maybe it was because he knew he had a job to do… we were in the middle of a war. There was no time for feeling sorry for yourself.

 

 

A month. A whole month went by without me seeing Duo. I heard his voice plenty of times over the com links… heard his maniac laughter as he killed. I understood why he sounded so crazy in battle, we all did, anything to get by, anything to block out the thoughts of what we were doing. Killing… we were taking away thousands of lives each day. And what for? For peace. Such a crazy thing… killing for peace is. Horrible… it was… but I didn’t complain, I was ordered to do it… that was my sanity. Dr. J told me to. It’s like taking the blame away from me, for as long as I could, and placing it on him. It helped me. This is what soldiers do… they may be able to kill, because they are ordered to, they are told that it is the right thing to do. They are able to keep their heads in battle knowing that… it was not entirely there fault… sure, they held the weapon, they took away the life. But it was only because someone else wished it so.

Pathetic. Once again, looking back I find my former war self to be so hopelessly pathetic. To believe that… to actually believe all those lies I fed myself, it was weak. I know, it was the only way for me to have not gone ballistic… especially after I had witnessed the death of innocents at my hand… but it was also horrible… knowing that there was no other way, no other one thing I could tell myself to make it all better. To make me feel alright with the killings.

Duo had been next to me in battle, but he did not stay at the same safe house. It was getting hectic, plans were being made, changed… almost to the point of me going mad. The enemy, trying to outsmart us numerous times, us Gundam pilots having to put up with and fight back to not lose ground. A whole month of that before I saw Duo again. I had gotten better… was finally able to sleep normally again… without expecting him to come in with his ‘goodnight’.

But he came back… the first time he stayed with us in a month… he came into my room, eyes downcast slightly… he seemed afraid. He had acted so normal at the dinner table, talking, joking with Quatre like usual… but here he was now, looking depressed again. Had he been this way the whole time?

Violet eyes rose to where they were positioned on the floor, he looked up to me, eyes seeming a little moister than usual. My breath caught in my throat… as I watched him come up to me. I didn’t move, I couldn’t move. My mind screamed at me, telling me that if I let him in again he would destroy me… but… I couldn’t come to care anymore. And the funny thing was, he leaned down… lips pressed lightly to my cheek… a soft kiss before he said,

“Goodnight Heero.”

It was like the first time… only different. He was starting again, all over again. The same process that started only seven months ago. And why was I letting him? Why was he doing that? I felt more confused than I had ever in my short lived life… I have never felt this… helpless. Someone needed to tell me what was going on… I couldn’t figure it out on my own anymore… some things I just couldn’t do.

In admitting that… I had unconsciously gone over the first step.

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TBC.

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On to Part 2

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