Not How I Wanted It To Be by Maaya
Standard disclaimers apply
Trowa POV
I opened the door and then stopped short when I recognized the one
who had knocked. It was Duo, but not the Duo I knew. He wasn't smiling,
nor were his eyes playing melodies of happiness or even anger. I guessed
he had walked a long bit before reaching this place because his hair
was wet and the bangs hung heavily over his forehead and eyes in dripping
wisps. And his clothes, black as usual, were plastered to his skin
uncomfortably. It made me realize how skinny he was, and had always
been. He hides it pretty well with his clothes that give him a tough
appearance. Now he just looked vulnerable.
I couldn't bring myself to hate him, how much I ever wanted to.
Then he lifted his head, looking at me through his heavy bangs. "Aren't
you going to let me inside?"
"Yes." I said dumbly and did just that, walking out of
the way to let him inside without touching me with his wet clothes.
I noticed he was shivering. "Want some tea?"
He smiled sadly up into my face with a strange . . . affection? in
his eyes. "That's why I like you, Tro. You never ask any questions."
Guilt made me feel almost nauseous - because I knew what he was going
to ask about. There was something nagging at the back of my brain,
completed with the look Duo was giving me that told me this was about
Heero. It didn't seem like Duo hated me for it yet though. Maybe he
hadn't it all figured out?
"You'll answer most of them eventually anyway."
He shrugged.
I got the tea done soon enough and handed him one of the two mugs
I had filled with steaming liquid. The other one I grabbed and warmed
my cold hands on. I motioned for him to sit down by the table and
he did so, staring down into his mug.
I sat down opposite to him and waited until he would be ready to
speak. When he didn't, I raised an eyebrow at him. "What did
you want to talk about?"
"What makes you believe I want to talk about something?"
"Why else would you have come here?" I asked pointedly
and he shrugged again, starting.
"It's about Heero."
My heart jumped up in my throat and I choked quietly on it for a
while. Had he figured it out? Would Duo scream and cause a scene?
Would he hate me forever?
I was melodramatic even in my own thoughts and I knew it.
"He can lie to himself as much as he wants." He said and
looked down into his half-full cup of tea, looking calm and yet very,
deeply sad. Sad in his heart. "But he won't lie to me anymore."
Lie?
What was he talking about?
"I've seen him watching you, Tro - and you watching him. No
matter how much he tells me different, I know it. He loves you."
At first, my heart missed a beat, but I think it was from happiness,
not pain. Then I saw his dark violet eyes and was overcome but a wave
of guilt that threatened to strangle me as it settled in my throat
like a little lump. "I'm sorry." I choked and stared down
into my own, still completely filled cup.
He looked bemused, and even sadder. "For what?" He almost
whispered. "For me stealing him? Or for that I told him I loved
him? For me being there first? For me . . .”
"I'm sorry I love him." I interrupted. "I'm sorry
I hurt you."
"Oh." He smiled falsely, almost cynically and I wanted
to ask him to stop. It was a smile I knew hurt. "I'll survive,
like I always do."
"What are you going to do now?"
He smiled that awful smile again. "Before or after I kick him
out? Don't know. Mourn? Wish for something that could’ve been?"
A bitter, throaty laugh escaped past his lip. "Don't be worried
if I don't turn up at work on Monday. Tell everybody I'll be there
on Tuesday. I need some time to be alone before everyone starts to
ask questions."
"Yes." I didn’t know whatever I meant to do what
he asked or if I agreed with his actions, but it didn’t seem
to matter much anyway.
He seemed satisfied with my answer and stood up, ignoring the fact
that his teacup was still half-filled and retreated out of the door
without a single good bye.
***
Duo POV
I was done. ‘Mission Successful’ as Heero would’ve
liked to say. It was just that Heero was the thing I least wanted
to think about right then. The tea I’d drunk at Trowa’s
had completely stopped to warm me now as I had walked home through
the rain.
For the first time in my life, I felt how I began to hate rain. How
I wanted to curse its existence, coldness and depression.
So, I was finished with my talk with Trowa, that much was done. The
only thing I had left was to talk with Heero, and I had a nagging
feeling that that would be a lot harder than the previous talk.
He’s an idiot. I’m not saying that because of grudges,
or jealousy but because it’s true. He really is an idiot. Why
else would he have denied the one he loved the most and gone to someone
else, who he didn’t love but who loved him? So he is an idiot.
And I am too because I love him.
Baka.
Baka, baka, baka, baka, baka. . . .
I can’t even make myself feel sad anymore. If you have ever
read a romance novel you’d know that if you really love someone,
you should be able to let go of that person if he’d ever want
you to. Maybe I can do that, but I won’t be able to without
feeling my own fair share of bitterness.
And suddenly I was there, standing in front of our front door, probably
looking like a drowned rat, or worse. I sighed and put my hand on
the handle.
The door flew open before I had a chance to blink and I found myself
stupidly staring into Heero’s worried face. A little voice in
my head stated even more stupidly that I should be happy the door
didn’t open outwards or otherwise I’d be owned of a bleeding
nose right now.
I smiled sadly and let him pull me inside, chiding me in an upset
voice.
“Where have you been? You didn’t even leave a note –
you’re completely soaked!”
I let him continued for a while and he set to fetch a towel, which
he wrapped around my arms and rubbed up and down gently.
Looking down, I refused to meet his eyes. “Why do you bother
to try so hard?”
It came out more bitter than intended and he slowed down in his task,
confused. “What do you mean?”
Jeez, he didn’t want to make it easy for me, did he? “Why
do you try to love me?”
He stopped rubbing my arms completely. “What do you mean?”
“Why--” I took a step away from his arms, still refusing
to look into his eyes. I knew I wouldn’t like to see what I
knew was reflected in those blue orbs. Confusion. Betrayal. And finally
guilt, even though he didn’t understood that yet. “--
did you go to me when what you really wanted was as easy to reach?”
There was an uncomfortable pause and I felt droplets of water walling
from my hair into my face. I could see small dots on the carpet around
my feet too as I stared downwards.
At length, he spoke. “I don’t understand.”
Liar.
Only one word was needed to explain what I meant. “Trowa.”
And with that, I finally dared to lift my head and stare into his
eyes. Everything I had predicted was there, but the biggest amount
was the guilt that seemed to threaten to overwhelm him. I sighed.
“Why did you ever go to me when you loved him?”
His hands, raised like if he was still rubbing my wet arms with the
towel, fell to his side. “I love you.”
“But.” I countered, frustrated. “To use a normal
expression; are you *in* love with me?”
He blinked and opened his mouth. It remained open.
I waited in quiet that was never disturbed until I got tired of that
- I would never hear the words anyway. If you think I sound bitter,
then you’re probably right. “Go to him, please?”
He winced. “But. . . ”
“Go. Talk.”
He stayed and stared at me for a while, as if searching my face for
clues for what I felt, but I managed to keep it expressionless. If
I showed my emotions right then, he would probably never do as I said
and I needed him out of here, now.
Then, finally he turned without a word and left through the door,
shutting it gently. He was never good at emotions anyway. If he had
been, he should have at least told me he was sorry. But then again,
maybe he wasn’t.
I reached up with a hand to dry rainwater away from my face, and
was surprised to find small droplets of warmth on my cheeks.
Figures. I haven’t cried for years.
*******
The End
*******
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