If You by Agent Midnight
Standard disclaimers apply
Duo POV
My life gets so fucking disgusting at times.
Right now, I am seriously appaled.
About an hour or so ago, I arrived in town after a simple infiltration
mission at an Ozzie base about three quarters of a mile from where
I am now. The mission was easy, and I completed it without a hitch.
With the help of my partner, of course. Have to give the boy some
credit; I certainly didn't do everything on my own.
Where is he now?
Oh, well..Heero's sitting at this shack-nasty desk with his laptop,
probably writing to shack-nasty J to tell him that he did all the
work, while I only caused trouble. Bicker, bicker, bicker. That's
all Heero does about me, anyway. Dude complains a lot, I've noticed
over the past few months. It's quite annoying.
Quite frankly, I don't know how Heero would react if he found out
that I wasn't writing a report to G, instead, writing little comforting
things to myself. This is my comfort zone, right here. Typing on my
own laptop, to myself.
Heero doesn't understand me, at all.
Wanna know the sad thing, though?
I think he tries to understand me, like I try to understand him,
but somewhere in the middle, we lose each other and have to start
back at the beginning of the maze. I really like Heero. We first met
each other four months ago, on the peer, like i've told you already.
No need to embarrass myself more by telling the story again, so, i'm
moving on.
It's hard to believe. Four months ago, me and Heero experienced one
freaky meeting that most people wouldn't ever wish upon someone else.
I liked how we met, in some wierd, twisted sense. I could tell that
Heero wasn't a easy-going, open, friendly kind of guy. Therefore,
I knew I'd have to work to get to know him, or else i'd probably get
seriously hurt in the process.
Now look where we are.
Sitting in a cheap semen-infested motel room, both of us with caked
blood on our faces, him sitting at the desk, me on the single twin
bed. Even bloody, Heero looks calm. I know he's hurt...and I also
know he won't let me near him. I can feel myself trembling; I always
tremble after battles. They scare me. Do they scare him?
I wish I knew him better than I do, though. I wish I could say something
that would melt through his defenses and get into that thick skull
of his. Maybe then he would open up to me. I doubt it, though.
I'm not even sure if he enjoys me around.
I think he enjoys it when that Barton guy is around. I think he enjoys
Barton's company.
I think they may be friends.
When the war is over, if they are both still alive, I think Heero
would want to keep in contact with him more than any of the rest of
us. I think Heero and Barton get along well because they appear to
be quite alike.
It doesn't appear that Heero likes me around too much.
Sure, he hasn't tried to kill me. Sure, he fights alongside me. Sure,
he tolerates my immaturity. Sure, he calls me his partner.
...Heero's never called me his friend before.
His cold indifference towards me should be enough evidence of that.
Am I his friend?
I sure hope so, but that doesn't mean my hoping it to be true will
make it happen. I don't think I could even fake a smile for him if
he ever told me I wasn't his friend. That would hurt me; thinking
of it hurts me.
Am I his friend?
Well, he trusts me with his stuff.
He lets me use his laptop.
He lets me use his gun.
He lets me fight with him.
No, he doesn't let me...
He trusts me enough to fight with him.
He trusts me enough to cover his back and watch his ass.
He trusts me enough where he'd put his life in my hands.
Does this make me his friend?
Probably not.
He probably only thinks of me as an occasional associate that he
was forced to accept as a partner to better ensure that he will come
out at the top. Does this mean that Heero uses me to his advantage?
No.
Does he only use me to get what he wants? No.
Does he think I'm a nuisance to him? .....
Does he hate me?
I honestly don't think Heero hates me. If he did, I don't think I'd
be alive today to write this.
I don't think Heero hates too much of anything. Well, the Feds..Oz..
Besides that, though.
I consider him my friend.
My wierd, emotionally-confused best friend.
I love his personality. I love his attitude. I love him; he's a great
guy.
Heero's the type of person I want to know forever. He seems like
he'd be the greatest, most loyal friend any one could ever ask for.
I want to tell him everything about me..I want to tell him my secrets
and see what he thinks of it. I want to see if that makes him happy,
knowing that I trust him so much that I'd tell him about my life.
Would I tell him everything about me?
Yes, I think I would.
I wish I could tell him that I want to get shit off my chest, but
I don't know how he'd react to my telling him what happened to me
in the past.
I want to tell him my dreams, and my desires.
I want to tell him my hopes for the future of the planet, and my
hopes for the future of me. I want to tell him what I always wanted
to be when I grew up. I want to tell him that I want to know everything
about him.
My life will never be complete until I know something about him.
It would truly mean a lot to me to know what he dreams about. I want
to know where he sees himself in twenty years. Am I anywhere in that
time span of his life?
After the war is over, will we not be together ever again?
Will we not be friends? Associates? Partners?
Do you consider me your best friend? Or is Barton your best friend?
Do you love me like I love you?
Do you have a strong desire to learn more about me?
Do you want to be by me forever?
Do you wish you were more like me? I wish I were more like you.
If I was more like you, you might be my friend.
If you were my friend, you might enjoy my company.
If you enjoyed my company, you might want to spend time with me.
If you wanted to spend time with me, you might actually fall in love
with me.
And then we could be together.
*******
The End
*******
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