Christmas Time by Agent Midnight
Standard disclaimers apply
Everyone says that there is a mythical entity who lives in a cold
depth on this Earth, in the freezing snow and blizzards, with his
elderly wife. Supposedly, he lives in a brick house or a wooden house,
or whatever home your imagination could possibly create. My imagination
has not produced such a person as this...and it never has.
All the time, I hear the children of my fellow co-workers brag and
laugh about how they are going to write to him and ask him for something
real special this year because they'd been extremely and extra carefully
good. I've never had the dream of a child.
I never got to experience first-hand what it was like to wish up
dreams of a man who would bring something that I particularly wanted,
and then to one day wake up and see that thing right in front of my
eyes.
Oh, Christmas.
As this time of year rolls around, as much as I don't want to, I
always picture what it would be like if I had been a normal child
living in this god-forsaken time and age. I imagine what it'd be like
to seriously believe that there was someone out there who would come
to the house I wish I owned, and leave presents just for me.
I wish I could go to sleep on Christmas Eve with high expectations
for the morning that would follow that tense but exciting night. If
I were a normal child, with reasonable and kind parents, I could wake
up and run into their bedroom..just to hop right in with them and
yell with excitment until they woke themselves up.
To walk into a living room that has a beautiful stone fireplace and
couches, but not too showy or run-down, just to see a six foot Douglas
Fir standing proudly garnished with transparent orbs and dangling
finery...only to look down and see..
Numerous brightly colored boxes and bags, with bows...ribbons...
Name tags with a name I don't have on them.
If I were a normal child, I would bounce by the tree until my parents,
dressed still in their nightwear, came into the living room just to
stare at me with gentle laughter dancing in their eyes. Them making
me wait and wait...only to say,
"Oh, fine..go ahead.."
I've never opened a present before. Never had the oppurtunity to
rip through neat wrapping paper just to see something someone specifically
picked out for me. Never been given a present before.
"Oh, sweetie, do you like it?"
Never.
"Is it just what you wanted?"
I'm sure people would look at me as if I've finally snapped if they
knew that all I really want is for someone to acknoweledge me enough
to possibly see my pain. I want someone to stare me straight in the
eyes on Christmas morning, hold a present out, and say-
"Here. I bought this for you..I hope you like it."
-and quite possibly genuinely hope that I like it.
I want to wake up on Christmas morning to the smell of cooked breakfast.
I want a tree in my living room with sparkling lights flashing, and
christmas songs playing softly from their small speakers. I want to
be offered a candy cane from someone who cares about me, them smiling
and laughing as they get in the spirit of the holiday.
I just want to forget for one day..forget that a war is not going
on, and that maybe I may not be needed anymore. For one day, I don't
want to hurt.
For one day, I want to live the childhood I never had the chance
to experience.
I want it to snow.
I want to listen to the radio for a familiar tune, and screw up while
baking cookies.
As much as I love them all, I can't go on living this way anymore.
So...that's why I've decided that....
Yes....
"Silent Night" will be playing in the background when they
find me.
Hope the blood doesn't bring your spirits down!
Hope I don't ruin people's good moods!
Merry fucking Christmas everyone!
*******
The End
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