I Try - The First Verse by Maaya
The song belongs so Macy Gray and is called "I
Try"
Standard disclaimers apply
//Games, changes and
fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop//
The war was over. Over. Simple word, huh? And yet, it means so much,
especially for us - the pilots and Relena. I'm not saying that other
people, civilians, aren't happy - it's peace after all but when you
have fought for something this much, it feels strange and still - I'm
glad. Very glad. There is only one problem - we all have to go our own
ways. Alone. Meaning that we have to part.
The easiest way would probably have been to run away, to disappear in
the darkness like I usually do, but something held me back. Friends.
Say the word out loud and taste it. Friends. The 'r' rolls on your tongue
and it gives a sweet, yet bitter taste to the word. Like dark chocolate
with mint or coffee with chocolate-taste and milk.
It was a long time ago I had friends like this; Quatre, Trowa, Wufei,
Relena, Hilde and Heero. They are all my own age. Then there are Sally,
Noin and Howard. We'll probably all keep in touch and all that but I
hate to part anyway. I have this sinking feeling that I will be lonely,
wherever I go.
After the last fight, we were brought to one of Quatre's fancy estates
somewhere in the Arabian Desert (I'm not really sure where) to rest
and heal. Sally Poe, our doctor, said it was best for us to stay on
earth for a while. Something about the air being good for us. Bullshit.
This God awful hot air can't be good for anyone except maybe Rashid
and the guys who are used to it.
Personally, I don't understand how Quatre can like the climate here.
With his fair skin I thought that he'd get as red as a tomato after
a week here. Not so. It was Trowa who had the bad fortune.
I have to admit that it was pretty damn funny to see his red face, half
hidden by his brown bangs. I never thought I would see the day when
he glared, constantly. If I as much as giggled when he was near by,
he quickly turned to face me and stared at me until I stopped.
As I said, it was pretty damn funny.
But now, we have to part, every single one of us.
//I believe that fate has brought us here
and we should be together
But we're not//
The one I'll miss the most is probably Heero, old suicidal, dangerous
Heero. I didn't figure it out until he almost died to save the earth
and at that time, I was too scared to say anything. I honestly thought
that I would cry when I realized that he was okay.
I love Heero Yuy. Goddamn it!
I love his eyes, I love his face. I love his stern eyes and I love his
way of being. I love the way he looks at every day things with a special
kind of admiration in his blue eyes, only showing when he thinks there
is no one nearby. I saw him staring at a toy-car like that once. It's
like he has never seen and enjoyed those childhood games and plays and
is ashamed because of it. I even love the way he walks when he rounds
that corner of the white house with red draperies at the sixth street
from Quatre's estate.
I have fallen hard, and I know it. Sue me.
If I don't work up my courage enough to tell him what I feel, I'll loose
him forever. I have no idea what he is going to do now after the war,
he refuses to say anything, but I know that once he is gone I'll never
see him again.
We all know that.
I sighed, shifted position to rest my chin in my left hand, and resumed
to stare out of the window. The sun was high on the sky and it was almost
unbearably hot, even in the shadows, especially for me who wears black.
I showered a while ago, a nice cool shower, but my hair is already as
dry as dust. Or Trowa's sense of humor.
Staring at the sand that was reflecting the sunlight was beginning to
hurt my eyes and I wondered where I had left my sunglasses. After considering
going and looking for them, I decided that it was way too hot to go
somewhere so I settled with closing my eyes to rest them. The blackness
my eye lids gave them was welcomed.
//I play it off but I'm dreamin of you
I'll keep it cool but I'm fiendin.//
When I opened my eyes again, I almost fell out of the chair I was sitting
in. Heero was standing in my room, watching me with unreadable eyes.
His expression didn't waver when he realized that I had seen him and
for some reason, it annoyed me.
"Why don't you ever knock, Yuy?" I asked, refusing to give in to my
curiosity about what he was doing here. He never came to me, I came
to him. I don't even think he had been in my room before, because his
eyes scanned around in it for a few seconds. He did it so quick that
only a fellow gundam pilot could have noticed it.
The answer was simple. He shrugged a non commenting shrug.
Have you ever realized how many different shrugs there are in the whole
wide world? There is the warning shrug, the smiling shrug, the apologetic
shrug and of course, there was Heero's favorite, the non commenting
shrug. The one that doesn't tell you a fuck about what the 'shrugger'
feels about the situation.
I lifted my chin from my hand and let the latter fall down on the table,
resting it on the sun-warmed wood as I turned around slightly in my
chair to get a better look at him. "Well, what is it?"
I feared that he would shrug again; it would have made it hard to keep
up a conversation if he did, but luckily for me he didn't. He spoke
and the words surprised me, even though I knew I had been preparing
to hear them someday. "I'm leaving."
I hoped that the disappointment was kept unheard in my voice as I answered.
I felt my heart beat faster and faster for ever second as I tried to
perk myself up enough to say something, to say what I felt.
..I want you to stay I love you I want to go with you I will miss you
can't you wait for a while it's peaceful here we want you to stay I
want you to stay.. It didn't make any sense, not even in my own brain.
"Why now?"
He had a hand resting in one of his pockets of his baggy jeans (don't
ask me how he managed to wear jeans in this heat) and I saw how the
fist began to clench. I didn't know why, I couldn't possibly understand
what I had said to anger him. I thought that maybe, maybe he was nervous.
"It's time."
Oh, yeah. It was time. Sure. I repeated my earlier question with slight
mocking in my voice. "Why now?"
He looked confused for a while, frowning a little, almost unnoticeable
underneath his brown bangs. God, how I wanted to tell him that I loved
him.
His new answer on my question caused my heart to begin to crack. "I'm
not needed here."
I felt lonely and stupid, but worst of all.. I couldn't come up with
anything to say. I felt my mouth open slightly as I dropped my chin,
but I managed to catch it before it hit the floor. The only thing I
knew was that I couldn't tell him that I loved him. I just couldn't
force myself to say it. Instead, I did the only thing I came up with.
I stood up and walked past Heero and out of the room with swift motions.
I couldn't bear to be the one to be left behind again so I did the thing
that was just a little bit better, though not much. I decided to be
the one to leave people behind. I desperately wished that he would miss
me.
"Where are you going?"
//I try to say goodbye
and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble//
His quietly spoken words stopped me in my track and I couldn't turn
around when I answered. "I'm leaving." It was funny, but in my confused
way of thoughts, I didn't notice that I imitated his earlier statement.
"Why now?" He asked.
"It's time."
//Though I try to hide it it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near//
I began walking again, down the corridor, past those paintings and expensive
statues that Quatre seem to worship and left him standing alone in my
room. I could ignore him standing there, but I couldn't ignore the horrible
feeling that pained my chest every time I thought of him.
I realized that leaving someone behind was just as bad as being left
behind.
//Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near//
*******
TBC..
*******
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