Ok, here's the deal. I've got Napster. Through Napster, I have a whole *shitload* of nasty songs. And most of what I have, I can *so* see Duo Maxwell belting out! (gods above, scary thought!) And, being who he is, he would most likely try to make the other three laugh and/or give Wufei a nosebleed, ne? Therefore, I present the "Shock the Stoics Arc," my most massive collection of ficlets on a semi-related theme yet!
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// Lyrics: "Pet Names for Genitalia"/Weird Al Yankovic //
The boys reached a safehouse with no problems, except that the piece-of-shit car did finally break down about three miles from the hideout and the boys had been forced to ditch it and make their way on foot for the rest of the distance. Duo looked around disconsolately at the two-bedroom mountain shack.
"I was told to pass on apologies for the cramped accommodations," Wufei was saying as they entered, "but apparently Master O was rather short for time. This is what he directed me to."
Surprisingly enough, the place did have plumbing. A scant amount of furniture was neatly arranged around the living room: although a little threadbare when they removed the protective sheets, the owners were obviously tasteful in their choice of furnishings. They went well with not only the age-darkened pine walls but with the magnificent vista outside. The overall construction, Heero was pleased to note, was sturdy and warm: the only thing that could prove to be a problem was sleeping arrangements.
"So what are we going to do about the sleeping?" asked Duo, seeming to read Heero's mind. He did that with an uncanny accuracy sometimes�
"I am *not* spending the whole time on the couch, just to let you know," Wufei said.
"Rotate through," Trowa said quietly. Quatre looked at him, a wry smile just hinting in his eyes.
That night saw the five gathered in the den. A quick search through the house had discovered only three beds, which meant that either someone was doubling up or someone was sleeping elsewhere. Who, had not yet been determined. Quatre had tried his hand at dinner and the chicken parmesan came out quite good, actually. Duo had had thirds, leaving the other four wondering yet again where it all went since, even with all the food the American consumed in a day his rail-slender form never grew an inch or gained a pound. Quatre had once remarked that his sisters would kill to find out how he did that and, by the twinkle in Duo's eyes as he cheerfully scarfed it all away, he was thinking the same.
Now Trowa sat playing cards with Quatre and Duo in a corner, keeping the hyperactive Maxwell out of everyone else's hair while spending some time with his koi. Heero was kneeling on the hardwood floor in front of the coffee table and his laptop, while Wufei curled up on the couch with a book.
"Hit me," Duo said, laughing and elbowing back as Quatre made as to mock-punch him.
"Hand over a card for me, as well," Quatre said, fighting off Duo's elbows. Trowa dealt out cards to both of them. Duo let out a muffled curse and the Arab giggled, then let out one of his own in Arabic. Trowa smiled inside: he had a perfect blackjack in two cards and the other two pushed over more peanuts to add to his ever-growing stack.
"I can't believe you knew that song coming up here," Duo laughed. "Where'd you learn it?"
"What, you think just because I *look* like an angel means I have a mind like one?" Quatre joked, instantly screeching in laughter as the braided pilot pounced and tickled. "All right, all right! I give over!" he finally managed.
"So, what else do you know?" Quatre gasped, short of breath when Duo finally let him up. The darker-haired boy just grinned.
"I'll save those for another time, I think. Hey, you�" Quatre pounced on Duo in return, causing him to cuss and call the Arabian several uncomplimentary names. The little blond just grinned. "Payback."
"It's about time to turn in," Trowa suggested obliquely. As they were heading to the rooms and Heero was pulling out a blanket for the couch-sleeper to use, Duo got another idea. Considering just what he'd been calling Quatre a moment ago, Trowa did not like the looks of that smile. He paused in the doorway, trading a look of surprise with Wufei. Heero was steadfastly ignoring them. Another evil grin spread across his face, alarming Wufei.
"Don't even *think* about doing it, Maxwell!"
"I'm not thinking about doing it."
"Don't do it, either! Not unless you want to find yourself spending the night outside!"
The braided maniac just gave Wufei an innocent grin.
"Oh, shit. He's going to sing it!"
"Damn straight I am!"
// Mutton-dagger, Old Blind Bob, Hanging Johnny, fishing-rod, //
// Tally-whacker, pocket-rocket, one-eyed trouser trout! //
Quatre just about fell over laughing. Trowa rested his forehead against the doorsill, Wufei had buried his head under the pillow of his bed and Heero had stopped in his tracks, shaking his head almost ruefully. And Duo did not even have the decency to blush: he just blithely sang on.
// Ding-dong, something-something, pork-sword, engine cranker,
// Hairy hot dog, Davy Cockette, let them all hang out! //
// Pet names for genitalia! //
// You know the girls think of them and you gotta love them! //
// Pet names for genitalia! //
// There's always something silly about little Willy! //
Quatre joined in now, taking over when Duo ran out. It earned him stares from all four of the others.
// Whang, wahzoo, weenie whacker, //
// Pecker, pee-pee, kidney-cracker, //
// Heat-seeking moisture missile, giggle stick, love whistle, //
// Tube steak! Uncle Dick! //
Heero, peering into Wufei's room, figured that enough was enough.
// This is getting really sick! // he declared. Duo laughed even harder, rejoining the song.
//I'm not through, there's one more! //
// Purple-helmet warrior! // Quatre whooped with laughter as they launched into the final chorus.
// Pet names for genitalia! //
// You know the girls think of them and you gotta love them! //
// Pet names for genitalia! //
// There's always something silly about little Willy! //
The pilots of Wing, Heavyarms and Shenlong exchanged a look.
"With those minds, neither one of them is staying in my room," they said at once, making a dash for the rooms and locking the doors. A still-roaring pair of pilots was left outside in the deserted hallway.
Duo recovered first. He gave the locked doors a dirty look, then ran for the couch. Quatre was only a step behind, and they reached it together.
"I am *not* sleeping outside," Duo told him firmly. "And floors are bad for my back."
"And with your mind I am *not* sleeping with you!" Quatre laughed back. They held the blanket between them. Duo just gave him a hentai grin in return.
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