Sigurado talaga ako na pinagpawisan ako doon. Hindi lang basta pawis; yung malamig na pawis. Napapanood ko lang kasi ito sa mga conspiracy/spy shows at sa Alias e.

Alas-dos ng hapon, May 23.  Katatapos lang ng Chemistry 1 final exam ko sa may AS kaya pauwi na ako. Ruta ko talaga ang dumaan sa Lagoon (yung malaking bakanteng lote/park sa gitna ng UP na pinamumugaran ng mga mag-jowa). May nakasalubong ako ditong mamang nakatayo na naka-cap at may hawak na envelope. Akala ko kakilala ko, kaya natitigan ko (near-sighted pa naman ako). Akala ko talaga kakilala ko, kasi nakipagtitigan sa akin. Yun nga lang, di ko nakita features ng mukha niya kasi blurred nga paningin ko sa malayo.

Maya-maya biglang naglakad itong si Mr. Cap-Envelope. Kahina-hinala, kasi parang gusto akong i-intercept.

Pero baka imagination ko lang yun kaya di ko na masyadong inintindi. Siniguro ko na lang na hindi siya makakalapit sa akin kaya binilisan ko ang paglakad. Siya naman, patuloy sa pagbuntot sa akin. Di ko uli masyadong inintindi kasi baka pareho lang kami ng ruta pauwi.

Sobra na akong na-praning nang dumating na ako sa Maskom.

Nauna akong nakarating tapos may kinausap akong kaibigan sa may railings (1). Maya-maya, dumating si Mr. Cap-Envelope... di ko na pinansin kasi baka dire-diretso na lang siya ng lakad (1a). Aba, biglang huminto at nag-about-face tapos lakad uli (1b). Tapos lumiko uli (1c). All the while, nakatingin sa akin. Muli, hindi ko ma-figure-out ang expression ng mata niya kasi bukod sa malabo mata ko, naka-cap siya.

Hindi ata nakatiis, at pumasok na si Mr. Cap-Envelope sa Maskom (2). Sa loob e nagbasa siya ng mga bulletin boards doon. Ako naman, umupo sa bench sa may harap ng entrance para magmasid (2). Safe dun kasi katabi ko yung security guard.

Gusto ko tignan ang reaksiyon niya kung papasok ako sa loob. kaya pumunta ako sa bench doon (3). Nung nadaanan ko siya, lumingon siya sa akin at tinitigan uli ako. Matapos nun ay lumabas siya at umupo sa iniwanan kong bench (3).

Mga five minutes siyang naupo dun at hindi natitinag sa pagtitig sa akin. Siyempre, hindi ako nakikipagtitigan. Simula kanina pa, pinalalabas ko na hindi ko siya napapansin. Hindi na naman nakatiis si Mr. Cap-Envelope at pumasok uli ng Maskom at nagbasa uli ng mga bulletin board.

Walang sense ang pagbabasa niya kasi nabasa na niya yun. Mukhang may masamang balak talaga ito. Kung bading ito o holdaper, ayoko ng malaman. Nang pumasok si Mr. Cap-Envelope sa may CR, nagtago na ako sa 2nd floor ng Maskom. Pumwesto ako sa isang bintana doon at inantay siyang umalis at lumabas sa entrance ng Maskom. Maya-maya, umalis na rin siya... pero lingon nang lingon pa rin sa paligid... mukha talagang may hinahanap.

Sabi ng PAGASA, kapag umulan na ng limang sunud-sunod na araw, official na raw ang pasok ng tag-ulan. I think, by that time, waterworld na naman ang mga usual hotspots tulad ng Espa�a. So much for preventive measures.

Kamusta naman kung natataon na laging hanggang apat na araw lang ang ulan? Kunwari napadaan lang talaga yung ulan, as in nahagip lang yung Pinas, kaya four days lang... pero signal #2 siya.

Estimate nila, 17 na bagyo ang darating sa Pinas ngayong 2005. Today is May 29... kaya on average:

217 days left / 17 storms =
 12.8 days / storm
Let's Go Math 2! (Basic Math)

Kung ang unang poproblemahin ng pamahalaan ay ang paghahanap ng pangalan sa labimpitong bagyo na ito... punyeta na lang.

Nakisawsaw ang tag-ulan ngayong summer. Makigulo kaya ang tag-init sa mga susunod na buwan? Either way, dapat bumili na ako ng payong. Dapat lagi akong may dala. I never can tell. Baka bumagyo tapos may makita akong maganda na na-stranded. Boy Scout to the rescue!

So many things have attracted my curiosity. On some occassions, it's the MMDA and why its official color combination is blue and pink. Sometimes it's about why dogs and cats, though carnivorous, eat stray grass. Today it's Adrian, and why over the course of our elementary days, I had never been comfortable calling him with his first name, rather, his surname. Robles.

The loss of a friend: it belongs there among things I would never have understood well without firsthand experience. Heartbreak and circumcision are just the others, to name a few. Even if I would attend a monthlong lecture about these things, I won't understand it fully.

I've heard of so many deaths before from the news. But they would have no effect on me whatsoever. The phonecall I received yesterday morning was different. It was news, broadcast in TV and print. But it was Adrian. It was a friend. It was my first loss. Unconsciously, I had goosebumps and had become teary-eyed over the phone.

These things are inevitable, but I never thought this early... and forced. Life is beautiful, and if it is not, it is still full of promise. I know Adrian has heard this before, but I should have repeated it in his ear over and over again when we last met a month ago. At the end of the day, grades are not even important. Unfortunately, for him, it was.

When I last visited him a month ago, Adrian was very depressed and confused. His schoolboy look was drowned by his failed grades. He has lost his sense of humor. Crazy, he was even borrowing a tape recorder from me so that he could practice his communication skills. Looking back, he must have wanted to leave a suicide note. Sunday, May 29, 1:00am to 2:00 am, according to the investigator... he hanged himself in his room.

Somehow I'm blaming myself. I never followed him up after that last visit. It's parallel to that of Obi-Wan Kenobi, not being there when Anakin  turned over to the Dark Side. I don't know if I could have made any difference, but I should have been there.

But my dear friend Niner is right. It's not my fault already. I must not blame myself. Afterall, suicide is a decision��his decision.

P.S: The idea of the Ano Itetch segment was inspired by a game developed by Adrian during our elementary days.

Nilibing na ang kaibigan ko (File 79) nitong Sabado ng umaga kaya maging matahimik sana ang kaluluwa niya. Pero di ko lang alam. Di ba kapag suicide hindi natatahimik?

Kung mortal sin nga talaga ang pumatay, kamusta naman ang pagpapakamatay? Loko talaga yung batang iyon.

Ka-level na raw halos ng Boy Bawang ang popularity level ng ChocNut sa mga local na sari-sari store. Pero di ko pa ito natitikman. Wala kasi ito sa aming suking sari-sari store kaya na-conclude ko na di pa ito ganun ka bigtime. Kung di mo pa ito naririnig, kornik ito katulad ng Cornbits Halu-Halo at Ding Dong. Kung di mo pa ito nakikita, may picture ako rito (-->)

Samantala, hindi na pala piso ang tingi-tinging benta ng Flat Tops kundi P 1.25. Wala lang, nalulungkot lang ako.

Milestone noong Miyerkules dahil first time kong nag-shave ng aking balbas at bigote. Dati pagunting-gunting lang ako. Pero ngayon, sosyal na. Dapat goatee ko lang ang tatanggalin ko, pero sobra akong nawili kaya pati bigote sinama ko na rin. Sosyal talaga ang nabili kong pang-ahit��mga dalawandaan din yun��kaya swabeng tumabas. Buti nga't napigilan ko sarili ko dahil sa sobrang pagkawili, binalak kong bawasan kilay ko. Buti na lang talaga.

Totoo nga siguro yung sabi-sabi na kapag inahit ang balbas o bigote, mas mabilis itong tutubo pabalik. Wala pang isang linggo, nasasabunutan ko na agad yung mga bagong tumubo.

Pero ibig sabihin lang nun, ilang linggo na lang uli at mag-shi-shave na naman ako. Yehey!

I'm out like my goatee.

First day ko noong Martes. Karaniwan, magka-lebel ang First Day ng klase at Bagong Taon dahil sa tema ng pagbabagong-buhay. Ilusyon lang siguro iyon, na-late ako sa una kong klase.

8:30 to 11:30 am ang Communication Research 101 ko. 9:30 na ako nakarating at naka-lock na ang pinto. Sayang. Sisisihin ko pa man din na sana ang ulan bilang alibi. (Pag first day, ubra pa ang ganitong alibi.)

Yun lang klase ko noong araw na iyon. Sayang pamasahe.

Ma-thundercats na ako kasi third year na ako. Pero mas matanda sa akin si Chynna Ortaleza ng ilang taon, pero first year palang siya sa UP. Kasingtanda ko rin yung mga graduate ng Ateneo High School na 18 na, pero freshmen pa lang din. Yun ang ma-thundercats.

Ito ang tatlong mga salita na nababanas ako pag naririnig ko.

Femme. (This femme is a _____.) Pwede namang sabihing this girl, or this woman. Pag nakikita kong ginagamit ito sa ganitong format, nag-re-register ito sa akin bilang attempt ng writer para magpasikat. Yung dalawa pa e reminiscing tiyaka melancholy. Mga super cheesy words na pag ginamit sa isang super cheesy na article, it's over.

Kaya nababanas ako sa Broken Sonnet ng Hale.

...of this fifteenth song...
...it's melancholy...
...it's melancholy...

Kung susuriin kasi ang lyrics ng buong kanta, simpleng-simple lang yung message. Keri na sana. Pero biglang pinasukan ng salitang melancholy. Biglang mag-po-poet-poet-an.

May crush ako, walang nakakaalam kahit isa. Medyo magulo kapag may makaalam. Keri lang, komportable naman siya sa akin e. May crush ako, alam halos ng lahat... pero siyempre di niya alam. Keri lang din, nakakasalubong ko naman at nangingitian. May minor crush ako ditong isa, at isa pa. Ansarap ng buhay sa Maskom. (",)

I'm out like my first day.

A college degree is normally the pre-requisite for a high-paying job. But usually after some years in that job, say 29 years, only a tidbit of those 4 to 5 years college education can be remembered.

That I think is the idea of Philippine Independence after 107 years.

In driving, one must first have an automobile to drive before learning. Lessons and theories are just that without application. But once one learns to drive and has an automobile to drive, the skills will never be forgotten. Sometimes it may be tiring but never to the point of memory erasure.

That I think is the concept of ideal fatherhood.

She agreed, but I just knew she wouldn't come. I still went there. I did not know it was cancelled on the last minute.

I waited for an hour. I'm not desperate. I just wanted to exercise faith. I have long lost faith when she is the subject. I guess it's just something that must be left inside our high school yearbooks. This supposed meeting may be proof.

The first thirty minutes were unmonumental. A passer-by asked me what the time is. A mother with two kids inexplicably asked permission to use my phone to send a text message. A young girl without slippers was walking around and wailing, probably lost. And I guess if I had worn green, I would have perfectly blended with the surroundings.

Maybe she just forgot. Nevertheless, I don't have to feel obligated to close this particular chapter. It's not as if 50 years together was spent. I can leave this at just that, and sprint ahead like a fastbreaking small forward. As the second half-hour ticked on, all these were clear to me.

Postscript. People look stupid when waiting for nothing.

Unang beses kong mag-emcee ng debut kagabi. Sobrang haggard ng first spiel ko, which is the introduction of the debutante. Para akong si Elmer (ng Looney Tunes) magsalita tapos basang-basa pa ng pawis yung suot kong long sleeves na blue. Some wet look effect.

In lowest terms, nagkalat ako. Isang malaking "hu u?" text message ang mga pagmumukha ng audience.

Salamat at kainan muna matapos ng first spiel kaya't inayos ko muna buhay ko. Nagpalit ako ng maroon na short sleeve polo. Hindi siguro kinaya ng dugo ko ang blue. At nagsuot ako ng undershirt, dahil parang naliligo ako sa ulan kapag pinagpapawisan sa kaba. Mula ngayon, lagi na akong magsusuot ng undershirt.

Nag-regroup rin kami ng boses ko nung nag-resume ang program, para buo ang delivery. Alam kong kakaldugan ako ni Prof. Avecilla kapag inulit ko pa ang iskema kanina.

Medyo kampante na ako sa trabaho ko matapos kumain. Malamang hostile lang ang mga tao kanina dahil gutom. Kaunting audience interaction and participation (wala namang mga parlor games na Bring Me). Kaunting poise din. Hindi na ako na-rattle kahit ako rin ang intermission number. (Kamusta naman ang emcee - slash - intermission number) Hindi ako sumayaw. Gustuhin ko man, tingin ko mas effective pa dun ang kumain ako ng buhay na manok para malibang sila. Sleep All Day, then Anna (shampoo commercial theme), tapos She Will Be Loved as encore. Bilog lang siguro buwan kaya may humingi ng encore.

Halos kalahati ng mga tao sa debut na iyon ay mga kamag-anak ko, kaya di masyadong mabigat ang consequences ng mga una kong mali. Swerte lang. Kasi naman, walang ganung luxury sa totoong buhay kapag productions ang usapan. Bawal magkamali. Otherwise, you're dinner. Parang food chain, survival of the fittest.

Nakauwi na si Robert Tarongoy, yung na-hostage sa Iraq. Naka-shades siyang nag-presscon sa TV kanina. Naalala ko yung sinabi ni Joey de Leon sa Eat Bulaga dati-dati pa: bawal lumabas sa TV nang naka-shades o kaya nang naninigarilyo. But wait. Kinulong ng mga terorista itong si Tarongoy ng 8 months sa isang madilim na kuwarto. No light, whatsoever. Sobrang nag-improve siguro ang kanyang sense of hearing dahil para siyang paniki ng mga panahong iyon.

Bukod sa mga palaka, natatakot akong mabulag. Kanina nag-brownout sa bahay. Habang di pa nakakapagsindi ng kandila at walang kailaw-ilaw sa buong bahay, kinikilabutan ako.

Last week pinanood ko nang mag-isa ang Batman Begins. Mas faithful ang details ng plot nito sa mature comics kaysa sa kiddie cartoons, kaya walang mga brief-muna costumes at mga BLAG! at BAM! na mga graphics sa screen habang may fight scene. Realistic ang narration at explanations kaya't mapapaisip ka na puwedeng magkaroon ng totoong Batman basta maraming pera. (Bill Gates --> Batman?)

To overcome fear, you must become fear itself. Ginusto ni Bruce Wayne (alter-ego ni Batman) na maging symbol siya na kakatakutan ng mga kriminal, kaya ginamit niya ang kinakatakutan niyang paniki bilang costume. It's time for my enemies to share my fear. Pag maisipan kong sundan ang yapak ni Batman, kailangan ko rin sigurong gamitin ang kinakatakutan kong hayop bilang symbol. So there, palaka. (Kamusta naman ang isang palakang superhero?)

Before we continue, a moment of silence for Jaime Cardinal Sin.

Sabi ng mga blockmates ko ngayong college, dense daw ako. Yung tipong walang pakialam sa mga pangyayari sa paligid. Yan sa tingin ko ang dahilan kung bakit effective akong secret-keeper ng mga lovelife nila. Pag nandiyan ang mga crush nila, no-reaction-face lang ako. Sa sobra kong effective na secret-keeper, pati sarili kong mga sikreto ayoko nang i-share sa kanila. I can be so dense they can't know anything. Secrets, anyway, are much more meant to be broken than promises.

I'm out like a frog superhero.

Flu for the past five days and a chronic lack of sleep were just too much for me that a headache was unavoidable. I did find a remedy last night but of all places it was SM Fairview.

Nothing is therapeutic in SM when you have no money and when all the people have no trouble adding to the noise index. Besides, that mall is so near my home that I can draw a map of it with my eyes closed. It was already nine o'clock however when the FX dropped me off there last night. All the stores were closing. And not much people.

I had barely any money left and I wanted to make sure it would give me two pieces of my beloved Belgian Bites. I sought my favorite Mister Donut stand. Escalator down.

Ground floor. The closing time of a mall is surprisingly calm and abound with lovers. College students here. Office-goers there. Even a classic grandpa-grandma combo were walking together. And I thought I'd be filled with envy. I was actually feeling somewhat relieved I am sparing myself of the extra costs of dating.

That was bullshit I guess. I did feel bothered after a while. I wondered if a girl with a real set of bow and arrows is really that far-fetched. I have no commitments and past ghosts. If I were another person, I'd ask myself why not go for it.

And go I did to the main Mister Donut stall. My favorite stand had already emptied its stock and unattractive Smidgets were all that's left. So there, another walk. West Wing Annex Building.

I was feeling a little detached. A long line of assignments were waiting at home and yet I was wasting time. But then again, not quite. It's all about time partition. Those are academics. This walk was a much-needed break. To each, his own.

It's cut from the same cloth. I shouldn't be stalling plans because of a pair of her 21-unit sems. Academics and the other are just that different. Inspiration, afterall, is the cake's icing to those grades if it's crafted to happen. If I were another person, I'd ask myself why not go for it. But maybe I don't have to be. That winning smile will always remind me.

Time partition. I guess if I had hurried walking I could have arrived just in time for my beloved Belgian Bites. But when I arrived on the main Mister Donut stall, the mall salespersons who have just finished their shifts had already taken all of those Belgian Bites. Life...

More walk. Escalator up. East exit. Jeep. Maybe I just had to go home. Nothing really seems therapeutic in SM when you have no money. But walking alone is.

Foreword

Archives

And I Shall
Call Myself...

Raindrops

Influx

Face-offs:
2nd Edition