Disclaimer: Gundam Wing doesn't belong to me. You know the drill. Bla bla bla...
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Shi-chan: Look! I got Microsoft Word! I must write a fic in honour of the occasion!
Duo: And in honour of the fact that you haven't done anything new in three days.
Shi-chan: That too.
Duo: Anyway...
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A Part of Me; Today, Tomorrow
By Shimegami-chan
Warnings: Shounen-ai, angst, sap
One of those rare one-shots!



Duo nervously stood outside, his finger mere inches away from the doorbell. He had a horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach that he couldn't shake, a mixture of fear and apprehension and dread. What will he think of me coming to him like this? It's like I'm a whole different person. I couldn't face him before--how can I do it now, when I'm not even the person he knew?

Duo reached one hand up to touch his bristly hair. It still felt alien and unfamiliar and he felt almost...lost. There was a vital part of him that was missing, a void he could not fill. It seemed so petty, even as the ache burned in his gut. So petty. He shouldn't care this much, should he? More important things waited on the other side of the door. Much more important things, that could help him forget about his loss...

His loss. It felt like someone close to him had died--that he had lost an important part of himself, his identity. It was true, Duo admitted--it had been the most painful part of his illness, had been the weight that really crushed him. He had broken through, but now he looked at the stranger in the mirror every morning, at those dead violet eyes, peeking out from under wispy blondish bangs, and he wanted to cry. Sometimes he did cry, when he was alone--he cried for Heero, the man who held his heart; he cried for sweet little Quatre, who he dared not tell the dark secret to; he cried for Wufei and Trowa whom he knew would be silent as ever. Wufei's rage would burn, even though he and Duo had never gotten along well Fei-kun was incredibly loyal and Duo would place his life in the Chinese boy's arms any time. Trowa might offer condolences, and Duo knew the unibanged boy's well wishes were with him.

But he hadn't told them. Any of them. He prayed deep in his heart of hearts that it was safe to tell them now--or at least Heero--so many of Duo's tears had fallen already. For his friends and the loneliness in his heart, for his gaunt body and dead eyes and--

He mustn't cry. Not here, not now, on Heero's doorstep. How long had he been on the doorstep anyway? He hadn't even remembered coming here. This was something he had to do. Wasn't it?

Self-doubt struck Duo again, but he pressed his index finger to the bell anyway. It was now or never, he might not get a second chance. Death was like that. So was life. Oh God, he was coming. What was Duo supposed to say? All the carefully rehearsed words and speeches in his mind fell apart all at once, as though he had been a delicate piece of glass that someone had carelessly smashed.

He was afraid now. Terrified would be a better word. But what was there to be scared of? It was Heero, after all! Heero wouldn't care what he looked like, what he had become. Hell, Heero might approve. But somehow Duo doubted Heero would approve of what he was going to be saying.

The door opened and there he was, virtually unchanged save for the five years of age on his body since they had last met, his colbalt-blue eyes cold and hard as ever. He had grown a few inches in that time, was now taller than Duo himself, and he wore blue jeans and a white t-shirt on his slim body. "Yes?"

How typical of Heero. Not a hello, not a greeting, just a sharp what-do-you-want-so-I-can-kick-you-out.

God, I've missed him.

Duo found he could not make his mouth work correctly; it was opening and closing as it should but no sound was coming out. His eyes drank in every aspect of the Heero standing there, looking a bit confused and a bit angry. "..."

Heero's eyes narrowed and he stared hard at the figure in front of him. "What do you want?" His tone wasn't angry, wasn't accusing-just curious. Wondering what the mute guy was doing out on his step, Duo supposed.

He doesn't recognize me. His lips formed Heero's name as the Japanese boy studied them intently, confusion in his eyes, probably reacting to the expression on Duo's face-it was somewhere between a smile of joy half-fallen, shame, shock, elation. The American finally whispered, "Heero."

If there was anything untouched by the disease it was his voice, thick with emotion as his eyes brimmed with tears at seeing his old partner again. "Heero!"

Shock registered on Heero's face as the identity of the stranger suddenly came to him. "Duo? Is that you?"

Duo nodded in response.

Now it seemed as though Heero didn't know what to say. "What, what...what happened to you?"

"It's a long story, Heero, my friend." He heaved a deep sigh.

Wordlessly, Heero ushered him into the house.





"They caught it fairly early," Duo stated matter-of-factly. "Probably would have been fatal otherwise."

"Duo, I can't believe you never told us. How long ago?"

Duo thought hard. "About two years ago. I've already relapsed once...but they've got it under control again."

"So, it's cured?"

With a bitter laugh, Duo pulled at the cross around his neck. "Cured? No. Cancer's tougher than that, Hee-chan. Another four years or so and I'll be home free--but that's only if I make it to the five-year-mark. They say a lot of people do. But as I see it, I'm already dead. I had to come to you...I need you to tell the others, and I have something I always wanted to tell you. In case I don't see you again."

"Don't talk like that." It seemed the Perfect Soldier had gained a little human emotion since the war. Duo was glad. "You'll make it, you always do."

"Not that easy." Duo's violet eyes took on an even more glazed look. "It's killing me, inside and out. I can't stand to look at myself any more."

"I have to admit that the hair was a bit of a shock."

"Yeah." Duo reached up to touch his head gingerly. "I think I'd rather have died back when they first told me that it was going to fall out. No, don't look at me like that. They said that the chemo would make it all fall out, and it was either the chemo or be dead within six months. I almost chose the six months, especially after they told me that it might not grow in the way it used to. This--." Duo savagely yanked out a coarse reddish-blond strand and looked at it angrily. "This isn't mine. This isn't me. My hair was my pride and joy, a huge piece of my identity. The first day a little clump of it fell out, on the pillow, I cried and wished I'd taken death over the chemo. I was weighing eighty pounds. My eyes were all swollen. I looked like hell, and I knew it."

"You didn't tell any of us?" Heero asked.

Duo shook his head. "I didn't know how you guys would take it, I didn't want your pity. I should have. I tore myself apart in there; I was so lonely. I really needed someone to help me through it."

"Why didn't you tell Quatre? Why didn't you tell me?" Heero cried, anger breaking through his blank expression.

"Heero Yuy, you should know about pride more than anyone! How could I have let anyone see me wasting away like that, especially you?!"

Heero stopped speaking and his face fell. "Me? Duo...you're human, I'm human, just like the rest of the world! I wouldn't have thought you any weaker because you were dying and needed one of us to help you through it!"

Duo looked stunned. Heero, nearly hysterical, was struggling to keep his voice down. "Did you think I wouldn't care, Duo? You're my best friend, the first friend I ever had! If you need me I want to be there, not find out later that you had some horrible illness and died without telling anybody! I'm not the Perfect Soldier anymore! People mean something to me now--you mean something to me! Don't you understand that?!" Heero gasped out the words and clenched one of the sofa pillows, visibly shaking and looking like he was about to cry.

Tears welled up in Duo's eyes as well. "It's not like that at all, Heero."

"What is it then?" he hissed. "What's so wrong with me that you had to keep this a secret?"

"I'm in love with you."

This news seemed to stun Heero more than Duo's illness. "You--you what?!"

Duo hung his head and blushed with shame. "I had to get it out--in case I died, and never got to tell you. I've had...feelings...for you for a long time now. I hope you don't...I hope you're not mad."

Heero's jaw was still hanging open in shock, so Duo hurried on. "I mean, it's not like I was constantly checking you out or anything, but when we were pilots together I just kind of noticed what a great guy you were, or I thought you were, and I took it upon myself to get through that 'perfect soldier' mask and find out what you were really like, and I thought I had, but I could never tell you! And then you left and I went back to L2, and then this cancer came up, and I thought I was gonna die without telling the one person I really loved...that I did. I came here as soon as the hospital would let me out," he said hoarsely, "in case I relapsed again. I should have said something before. Dammit! I hate myself, I'm nothing now, I'm just sick and unemployed and apparently now I'm gay and I'm probably still dying and my best friend hates me, and I really wish I had my hair back, and I-Heero?"

Heero's colbalt eyes had locked onto his own and were staring straight into them, as though trying to burn right through them. Duo continued to babble. "-and now you're looking at me funny, probably wondering when I got these ideas into my head, seriously, it wasn't the chemo and I'm not crazy. I'm dead serious! And you're...you're...I don't know whether you're going to kiss me or kill me. Uh, Heero? Are you okay?"

"Shut up," Heero growled and lunged at Duo, who let out a muffled squeak. The next thing he knew Heero's lips were upon his, his tongue asking for entrance, and Duo gladly let him in. Euphoria and relief rushed through the American in waves as the kiss deepened. To Duo, time felt as though it had completely stopped.

When Heero finally pulled away, all Duo could manage was a meek, "Well. I wasn't expecting that."

A genuine smile lit Heero's face and he brushed the auburn-blonde bangs away from Duo's eyes. "You can't imagine how glad I am to hear you say that about me."

"Why?" Duo whispered hoarsely.

Heero locked eyes with him again and gave Duo a warm hug. "Because I like you too. A lot."

Excitement shot once again through Duo's veins and he tried to glomp Heero as best he could. "Really?"

"Really."

"I'm so glad." Suddenly his face was buried in Heero's chest and hot tears were running from his eyes as Heero stroked his hair gently. "I missed you so much."

"I missed you too. Please, don't keep a secret like that from me again, Duo."

"What, that I had cancer or that I was in love with you?"

"Either. Both."

Duo laughed and touched his hair. "I doubt I could have kept it a secret much longer, at this rate."

Heero smiled sadly. "It'll all work out, Duo. You'll see."

And for the first time in five long years, Duo Maxwell felt safe.





~~~~~~~Four years later~~~~~~~


Duo let out a cry of happiness and enfolded Quatre in a warm hug. "Q-man! Great to see you!"

"You too, Duo! You look great!" Quatre laughed at the American bundle of energy, glad that he was finally in perfect health. Quatre had been worried sick about Duo ever since the braided boy had guiltily called him to tell him about the illness he'd been hiding. Duo had looked absolutely awful then, pale and gaunt, his trademark chestnut braid gone and replaced by a short coarse mop of reddish-blonde hair. Since then Duo would only talk on the phone with voice-only, trying to hide his sickly appearance. But the Duo before him now seemed lively and full, and the only remaining marks of the disease were his just-slightly-underweight body and the black hat on his head. Not a single hair escaped from its trap under the hat-Duo was probably still self-conscious about it. It didn't bother Quatre in the least, as long as Duo was okay.

"Thanks!" Duo hopped back and forth from one foot to another. "Well? Aren't you curious?"

"Very." Quatre confided. "But we should wait for the others first."

Duo grinned and held his hand behind his back, his violet eyes taking in the Arabian wickedly under the shadow of his black baseball cap. "I know you wanna know, I know I know I know..."

"I know you know!" Quatre cried, trying to peer at what Duo held in his hand and keep a hold on his curiosity at the same time. He was saved by the arrival of Wufei, Heero, and Trowa from the kitchen door. "Ah, there you are!"

"Has he told yet?" Heero asked, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"No," Quatre replied, looking at Duo expectantly. "What's the big surprise?"

"Two things," Duo said with a grin. "First, there's this." He pried the baseball cap from his head with visible effort, and Quatre could soon see why. As soon as the hat was removed a long, thick chestnut braid fell from underneath and hung to Duo's mid-back. "It's not as long as it used to be," he admitted, "but at least I've got it back. Heero helped me, ne Hee-chan?" Heero nodded in response.

Duo held the thick coil of hair in one hand and let it rest over his shoulder. "It was coming in all reddish-blondish and weird, but when it was about to my ears it started changing colours. The texture started getting smoother too. So we dyed it chestnut again to match the top half, and it's been like that ever since. " Duo beamed. "And it's always grown pretty quickly, until it got so long that it kind of stopped. I'm trying to get it that long again."

"That's great, Duo!" Quatre hugged him fiercely. "I'm glad you're back to normal."

"As normal as Maxwell gets," Wufei commented dryly.

"You'll never change, Wu-man!" Duo laughed.

Trowa spoke up. "What's the second surprise?"

Duo blushed crimson and stuck out his left hand; on his ring finger was a solid gold band that gleamed in the dim light. Quatre's mouthed formed a perfect 'o'. "By Allah! You got married? "

Duo nodded happily in response. "It isn't official yet--that's why I asked all you guys to come here!"

"Wait a minute!" Wufei cried. "You and Yuy?!" Closer inspection on Heero's hand revealed an identical ring.

Duo smiled again. "Heero and Duo Maxwell-Yuy, from now on!"

Quatre was grinning from ear to ear, and even Trowa was showing a slight smile. Wufei was trying his best to look indignant, but was somewhat failing. Somewhere inside he had known this would happen someday, it was just a matter of when.

Now that Duo had no more secrets to tell, he threw himself into Heero's arms, and Heero returned the embrace. Quatre could not help noticing how much Heero had changed since the war, almost not at all physically, but he had grown emotionally in a way that Quatre had never expected. It was nice to see. He smiled and reached for Trowa's hand, squeezing it tightly.

"When's the damned wedding?" Wufei growled, but despite the anger in his voice there was a small smile on his lips.

Duo laughed in glee. "Tomorrow?"

The Chinese boy rolled his eyes in exasperation. "How am I going to find something that formal for tomorrow? "

"Well, come as you are! Live in the moment, Wu-man." Duo slung his braid back over his shoulder so it wouldn't get in his way as he and Heero shared a kiss. Wufei glared at him, Trowa smiled slightly, and Quatre let out a timid laugh. It really was great to have everyone back together again, alive and healthy and happy. "Sometimes you never realize how much time you have left to really enjoy it."

This was a lesson Duo Maxwell had learned the hard way, and he was going to enjoy every minute his new life had to offer him.




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Shi-chan: See, that wasn't so hard! I didn't like the ending, though.
Shiseki: Wasn't this going to be a deathfic?
Shi-chan: I changed my mind.
Shiseki: Baka.
Shi-chan: Gomen nasai, I've killed them in enough fics already!

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