I read through every single text again. Starting from 'Yoz' all the way to the silly way you type in individual alphabets and finally, your last text 'B'.

And then you disappeared. 

And despite my numerous pleas, to just show that you are alive. Or that you still care. Or that you are still there, falls on deaf ears. 

Repeatedly, I kept trying to reach out to you through all mediums. Text messages, Whatsapp Messages, Phoning you and having strange people answer my phone,

facebook messaging you, even contacting the staff at geocities and sending countless emails to and fro just to get this site back up and running.

You have not responded.

I have paced between the roads of frustration, feeling like I am irritating the shit out of you, feeling abandoned, feeling like I was fighting an invisible battle. 

I would never win.

Yet still I kept trying to reach you. There is no shame in being hungry for another person, there is no shame in wanting very much to share your life with somebody.

Funny how it seems like I am stuck in a room with solid brick walls and I am just walking into the walls. Banging into them. That is how it feels, that is how it feels like trying to reach you.

Painful, unbearable and useless.

I apologize in advance. I logged into your facebook. It was probably my only way of finding out what in the world you were up to. 

And whilst I was trying to keep myself busy, convincing myself that we can finally reunite in beautiful, picturesque Japan.

You were making plans for yourself to go bangkok and contacting your other friends.

And me, like a fool, all alone here, was waiting for you. I gave up plans to go Aussie with my family, gave up plans to go for a trip with my friends. 

I cancelled everything that was certain for me, because you were my priority. 

And you cancelled me off.

Worse still, I had to find it out myself.

This is my last post here. I have edited your relationship status for you, it is single and it is hidden. Just like it was before.

I love you. It is a heart wrenching kind of love, the kind where the girl types on the computer as tears keeps forming wet tracks on dry cheeks and finding a landing spot, 

right on the hands typing this last entry. 

I hope one day, you will find the kind of girl, that you couldn't bear to ignore for even one second.

Thank you for making me feel things I thought I could never feel again. 

x

Your Melody

1/2/2013 3:10PM

i am leaving for bali.

when i come back, and if there is still no news from you..still choosing to chuck me aside like a toy that you've lost all interest in,

then i guess, all these nonsense should stop, right here.

i love you, but lately, it feels like you just aren't keen in making it work, anymore.

x

melody

23-1-2013

happy, two, months. 

and i am still all alone. working alone in the middle of the night, because nights spent thinking of you ends up in tears.

and everyday i look into the mirror and mouth out these words:

"what did i do wrong?"

x

don't say a word. just come over and lie here with me.  

cause i am about to set fire to everything i see.

i want you so bad, i'll go back on the things i believe.

there i just said it, i'm scared you'll forget about me.

x

21-1-2013

for months, i thought i would finally hear from you in february. 

we were supposed to meet during the holidays, remember?

i cancelled everything for you. 

only to find out, you had already cancelled me a long time ago.

and here i am. bawling my eyes out again. 

enjoy bkk. you deserve it.

x

18-1-2013

So all it took for the water tap to be switched on to full blast, was when my colleague asked with concern in her eyes

"has he contacted you already?"

i smiled and shaked my head forlornly. no defensive words as an excuse, i've long run out of reasons for your disappearance, my smile couldn't hide my misery.

then came the killer phrase.

"you are not okay b, why don't you talk to us?"

oh god. typing this brings tears to my eyes. 

how? how do i say, how do i shout out every single emotion swimming through my veins? I am miserable, i am upset, i am disappointed and the worse thing is, because there are no reasons i can come out with,

i blame myself.

i must have done something wrong, i am positive im not good enough. maybe i don't deserve what i want. maybe im fucked up and thats why everybody leaves.

everybody leaves, eventually.

and as i get more and more desperate for people to stay, i end up more alone.

i end up all alone. 

x

17-1-2013

i wake up every morning, hoping to see a text message from you.

my default feeling nowadays is just... sad.

feels like the light went away when you disappeared.

x

16-1-2013, 4:15PM

theres some people in this world that you can love, and love, and love, no matter what.

there is an abundance of ians in my heart. and i am still waiting.

x

15-1-2013, 3:35PM

i will keep writing the stories, the scenes of our lives, and i will read them over and over to myself.

maybe if i do, they will start to feel like that really did happen,

like they were memories.

like how you truly believe you can remember all of the things that happened in your home videos, 

only because you have seen them so many times. 

x

your melody. 

14-1-2013, 1:47PM

想你，想你，你像影子甩不掉 。

x

12-1-2013, 6:36PM

I'm still writing about you.

and you haven't read a word.

how do i shout i love you into an empty void?

x

11-1-2013

sometimes you look up, and there just seems to be so many more stars than ever before. more. they burn brighter and they shine longer and they never vanish into your periphery when you turn your head.

its as if they come out for us and to remind us that their light took so long to come to us, that if we never had the patience to wait, we never would have seen them here, tonight, like this.

that as much as it hurts, sometimes it's all you can do, wait, endure, and keep shining knowing that eventually, your light will reach where it is supposed to reach and shine for who it is supposed to shine for.

it is never easy, but it is always worth it.

x

9/1/2013

find what you love.

and let it kill you.

x

it will get better.

it will get better.

it will get better.

it will get better.

i know you don't read this space. because if you did. surely, surely you wouldn't ignore my pleas for you to come back.

and i remember how you said that you are different with me, as compared with the other girls. 

i guess i am different. i don't get your attention like them.

the jaw is aching after being punched in the face. but the heart. the heart is bleeding when he shouted "call your new boyfriend and help you lah"

it feels like.. i am in a relationship with myself.

x

melody

4-1-2012, 4:51pm

so i've been offered a contract job in shanghai for 2 years. the pay is very.. demoralizing. i can picture cheap meals in the apartment all alone. 

in a sick ironic sense, i've always thought the saddest thing in life is to end up all alone. these couple of weeks taught me otherwise.

the saddest thing in life is to end up with someone who makes you feel all alone.

today is exactly 1 month since i last heard your voice. and i don't even know if you are still in cambodia, or en route to the people's republic of china.

stay. i need you more than you think.

x

melody

3-1-2013, 10:31am

so often we wait, when it is the brave leap of faith that will set us free.

so, i shall consider shanghai as the next destination for work. 

you can't come to me? i'll go to you.

31-12-2012, 12:24PM

I have told the sky all my loneliest thoughts of you. And all it does is shine star light back at me. But I guess that's what makes it such a good listener.

I am not going to text you anymore. Because you have no idea how upsetting it is not to get a single reply. 

And if you cared enough, you would spare me 20 seconds in your 24 hours just to say 'i miss you babe', or, 'i am coming back, wait for me', or even 'i am still here and always will be'.

and it just ain't fair because i would give you 25 hours of my time, even if i had none to spare. 

i miss you.

i miss you.

i

miss

you. 

28-12-2012, 4:06pm

we haven't spoken for a really long time.

and everyday that we don't, i try and act okay about it. 

i want to feel okay about it, but i can't. 

putting on this act just isn't working because there is too much left unsaid. 

i don't know how you are, how you feel or how long it is going to be before we talk.

we missed christmas. are we going to miss new year? our birthdays?

will we soon learn to be okay with this, and then just fumble past all our special moments without saying anything at all?

i am so scared of that happening.

i am scared i'll never be able to even look you in the eye because everything we need to say is hopelessly hanging in the silence that occured the last time we just stopped.

i am so scared, we are going to just miss it all.

x

Melody

27-12-2012, 1:25PM

So christmas came, and went away. The whole world couldn't find me as I went missing from social media for just these 2 days. The only message, and the only call I really wanted to receive, was yours.

Every buzz from the vibration of a text, every flash of light with each call, I would gingerly reach out for the phone, almost 99.9% sure it couldn't be you, it wouldn't be you. But hope kept sneaking it's way into the pessimistic heart. 

Only to be let down tremendously. 

Christmas eve night, whilst the entire world was out there, somewhere. Having a meal with loved ones, doing frantic last minute shopping, squeezing with the crowd on human-infested streets. I was home, alone.

Not willing to go out. Instead, I spent hours, reading, re-reading, reading- re-reading e.v.e.r.y s.i.n.g.l.e t.e.x.t you ever sent to me.

It rained heavily on Christmas night. It was quite a sight really. I stood at the corridor, beer in one hand, cigarette in the other, and stared for what seemed for hours at the velvety red sky. 

My lonliness cannot be compared to yours, you are alone there. But there has no idea how lucky it is. It has no idea how lucky it is for it has you.

I made a wish, nonetheless. I made a wish, with my cigarette in hand and beer in the other that this time, next year. You'll be by my side, asking me to hurry prepare cause we are heading out soon. I wish with all my might, that you would walked out our place and say "finish the beer and throw the cigarette, its gettin' cold outside". I wish, that I can make it better for you, as you will for me.

x

Melody

26-12-2012, 3:19PM

I fall asleep each night, rehearsing exactly what I want to say to you, not knowing if I'll ever have the chance.

Merry Christmas baby boy. Though it aint so merry for me afterall.

x

Melody

24-12-2012 6:14PM

Not sure if this counts as a month, but, 

happy one month. 

Still-checking-my-whatsapp-and-hoping-to-receive-your-text,

Melody

x

This blog has been dead for the past 10 years. And I spent two weeks harassing the people at geocities.ws to return me the rights to this web journal.

What a heavy and crazy 16 days it has been. 

I miss you. And your voice. And your laugh. And the way I can tell that you are smiling as you speak over the phone.

I miss your long text messages. I miss your pictures. I miss irritating you.

Your voice repeats itself in my mind like a spoilt radio, except that with each replay, the voice gets more muffled, and the memory, hazier. 

Dear Ian,

'I love you' has been wasted on too many people, cheapened by movies and songs and over used and underestimated, far, far too many times.

And maybe hearing me say this sounds unbelievable. But, thank you. Thank you for existing. 

Thank you for always magically appearing when I'm down and saying and doing the most irrelevant, unpredictable and ridiculous things to make me smile, and make me laugh.

You may not know this, but you made me give up spending nights, downing booze and getting intoxicated in the corner of my room. 

I, want to tag along everywhere you go. To stick closer to you than a shadow could. I want to breathe the air you breathe and to be always within an arm's length distance from you. 

Let me be the one who calls you baby all the time, surely you can take some comfort, knowing that you are mine.

You want to help fufill my wishlist? Cause I have one, Only one right now. 

I want you to be mine. I want every atom. I demand that. 

I am pretty sure you've forgotten, but I put up the relationship status, on 22nd November. Tomorrow is a month,

Come back, I miss you.

With all the love suppressed in this heart,

Melody

21-12-2012, 19:40PM