| 28 Sept 2001 Firstly, I know that this website doesn't have the neatest interface in the world, but I guess in some ways, I just haven't taken the effort to sit down and actually draw something out. However, I have beeen getting some positive feedback from some ppl and that's been encouraging. Even if you did lie, I'm thankful:) There's this guy called Bebo Norman who's going to be performing at my school next week. Up till yesterday, I had no idea who he was. I found an article about him on www.crosswalk.com and as you might have guessed by now, he's kind of like a gospel singer, but with very down to earth lyrics. The article started out with a few lines from one of his songs and they go like this: "Today I woke up early, today I woke up sad. It's funny how it hurts me, this love I've never had. But I can feel You breaking me through the mess I can feel You through the loneliness..." Just those lines were enough to tell me I could definitely relate to him. At this point in my life, that's exactly what I'm feeling. Before I go any further, I just want to say that this isn't going to be some preachy message or whatever. I'm just being open and honest with who I am and what I'm going through right now. The first sentence in the song above talks about this almost intense loneliness from something that never was. And I think many times, we've experienced such things. Or at least I have. I'm the kind of person who regrets doing or not doing certain things. However, the next time something arises, I end up botching things up in my attempt to not let the moment pass by. It is a constant source of disappointment especially when you feel you cannot seem to do things right. I guess I'm not being too clear about what I'm talking about right now. There are certain things I believe I can share and other things I just don't feel comfortable with, at least not yet. You know, just writing here allows me an outlet to release my frustrations and disappointments. I think I've definitely experienced tons of disappointments in my life and I think a large part of me is just really scared of people and relationships. If I ever hurt anyone of you who are reading this , I just hope you find it in your heart to forgive me and know that it was unintentional. I'm not finding excuses for my mistakes, I'm just saying that I've had scars here and there that literally alter the way I look at life and relationships. Even at this moment, I'm tempted to react to people in certain ways I know I should't. I find it tough to live up to expectations from so many different people. I was talking to a friend over the summer and she was telling me how she didn't really have like a huge group of friends, but what she had was true quality friendships. I realized that's been something that's been missing from my life all this while. I don't mean to offend any of you, but from my point of view, I just feel that I haven't done enough to get to know each one of you better. My friend also commented that I seemed to have tons of friends, but did I have close relationships necessary to carry me through thick and thin. I hated my answer. I think largely, or almost entirely, my lack of close relationships has been because of the way I view life. I can't go into that right now, but lets just say I can mess up good things. What hurts me is that for so many of you, I don't even know what your dreams are, your ambitions, your goals and what makes you get up in the morning. Sure I might know your favorite band or brand or sport, but friendship is so much more than that. This has ruined more than a few relationships I've been in and I guess it's largely influenced the way I approach dating. Man, if you guys could see how bad I've messed things up... Sometimes, I wish the world would just open up and swallow me. It's incredible that because of a minor incident today and much reflection, I am feeling the way I do right now. I'm not saying that I've not built good friendships over the years because I have..I would name some people, but I'd hate to leave others out and offend them. Perseverence can only carry me so far. I know there's a lot more to life, but somehow, it just feels like it's slipping away... |