A: Ted Nugent's alternate offer.
You may have heard about Lance Bass' recently aborted plans to fly N*space (sorry). If you have, then you may have heard about Ted Nugent's offer to have Lance spend a week at his ranch "where he'll be taught a greater appreciation for nature and gravity as he hunts, kills, cleans and cooks for himself." And at a price of $1 million, how could he refuse?
I can't, I repeat, can't wait for Lance Bass' response to this Behind the Music moment in the making. I really hope he says yes, only because it would be the funniest event in history. It almost makes me forget about the current state of world affairs, it's so damn funny.
Let's break this down, shall we?
First of all, if you wanted to learn how to hunt, what could possibly justify paying a million dollars for the services? Certainly not a week alone in the woods with Ted Nugent. Hey, I understand that he's a kickass guitarist and an obvious expert on hunting and guns and the whole bit. Honestly, if there was a nuclear war, or even a cutoff in food supplies, I would want Ted nearby. On the other hand, I don't care if you have "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang" tattooed on your forehead; nobody is going to shell out a cool mil (and besides, I doubt that anyone with such a tattoo even has a hundred dollars, let alone a million).
Hmmm...a grizzled old rock dinosaur on a weeklong hunting expedition with a pretty boy pop star; it makes me think of this place where a friend of mine used to work. This friend worked for a gay porn company...and not your run of the mill pretty boy porn stuff. This stuff was hardcore...everything from role playing to bondage. And I'm talking stuff that makes you wonder what happened to them in their lives to make this kind of stuff turn them on, and cry for their damaged souls.
Now don't get me wrong. I don't mean to imply that the composer of a song called "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang" wants to tie Lance Bass naked and spread eagle to a tree, and use him as a human crossbow holder. That makes very little sense to me. What I DO mean to imply is that someone else, specifically someone with a few grand, a video camera, and a filthy mind is probably going to make a porno based on this concept. And in this movie, the highest source of protein isn't going to be a "slab of flesh on the back of a deer", as Ted so eloquently put it...if you know what I mean. This is Geocities, after all, so I'll have to let you use your imagination.
In conclusion, if Ted Nugent thinks he's going to make a million dollars from teaching Lance Bass how to hunt, he's got another thing coming. And besides, who needs that much money when you can kill and eat all the edible meat in Michigan? Poop or get off the pot, Ted (again, Geocities). Money has no place in survivalism.