There is something perverted about the fact that anyone with enough money can take a ride through the cosmos. I'm not saying that Lance doesn't deserve a space jaunt...actually, he's not going anytime in the near future because he can't come up with the money. However, such doings could set a dangerous precedent.
Thus, I bring you a taste of things to come. News of the Future has been done by others for generations. I remember seeing an old episode of "Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In" (the show that gave Goldie Hawn, Flip Wilson, Lily Tomlin, and countless others their start in the biz) where they had a NOTF bit. In one episode from September 1968, Dan Rowan stated "News of the Future, 1988. President Ronald Reagan..." This got a lot of laughs at the time, but seeing it for the first time IN 1988, it was truly chilling. And since, according to my calculations, we're about a decade or so from the little blue gnomes moment (which I will explain in an upcoming article, I promise), twenty years then is what five years is now...so here is my version:
News of the future: March 23, 2007.
MADONNA BUYS JUPITER, PLANS GLAMOUR COLONY
London, UK (Reuters) - After months of heavily publicized competition, pop star Madonna has outbid the likes of Justin Timberlake, Will Smith, and P. Diddy to buy the planet Jupiter from the NASA.
The 48-year-old pop legend will shell out a reported $250 million to purchase the largest planet in our solar system. A deal was secretly made on March 4 for Madonna to become the first known owner of a planet.
While Madonna herself could not be reached for comment, others had plenty to say about her successful bid. Singer and former prospective buyer Justin Timberlake had this to say: "Sure, I'm disappointed, but I couldn't be happier for Madonna. I know I've spent the last ten years emulating Michael Jackson, but if I liked people who weren't creepy as hell, Madonna would be my icon. Oh, well. I'll try for Saturn if there are fine honeys there."
Actor and (thankfully) former rapper Will Smith isn't seeing the news as a letdown. "Now I can devote all of my energy to my presidential campaign in 2010. Unless the election is on a leap year like my publicist says. Is that really true? That's crazy!"
According to reports, the pop diva has already landed on her new planet to make some changes...namely, to personally intimidate the brutal atmosphere into becoming more earthly. Thanks to her signature "What I want, I get" philosophy, Madonna's new homeland now feels more like Miami Beach than a distant planet. However, don't expect to visit anytime soon, unless you belong to the ranks of the extremely fabulous.
"Jupiter will not be open to the public...ever.", said a member of Madonna's camp, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "She's planning a retreat for the rich and famous."
Rumors are already flying about the future of the fifth rock from the sun. The National Enquirer reported yesterday that talk show queen turned gay rights activist Rosie O'Donnell has bid $100 million for the purchase of a small continent there. Sting and Trudie Styler, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, Dr. Dre, and Ricky Martin have also inquired about land purchase, according to the article.
Not everyone is happy about this historical moment in the making. TV commentator Kelly Osbourne called the event "A f***ing travesty", adding "She walks around like she's the f***ing mother of God herself, buying planets and scaring away their weather patterns. And to think that people thought my dad was evil twenty years ago! She's truly the fifth horseman of the f***ing apocolypse. She already invited my family for a visit, and we promptly told her to f*** off."
No word yet as to when permanent residence will be set up.