Everybody, take a look at the world we live in now. Lots of really weirded-out things are happening everywhere we look. Meanwhile, the population is growing at an alarming rate. It's been my observation that the more people there are in existence, the more people there are who inherit half-baked morals and values from their families. Here in the U.S., we have tons of government programs in place. Some work, some don't. Either way, there are still pregnant women fighting on Jerry Springer, kidnappings, school shootings, political and corporate corruption...you get the picture, and I will elaborate as we move on.
Recently, I thought of a very simple plan that will reduce our ranks while preserving a high standard of living for those who choose to live their lives without being assholes. The solution is: MANDATORY STERILIZATION!!!!!
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not Hitler. I don't want to get rid of any races or nationalities, or create some elitist society where only the rich get to breed. As a matter of fact, I myself was raised for 8 years in a small two-bedroom apartment with my parents and brother, and I never wanted for anything, AND I turned out just fine, thank you very much. Plus, I'm a minority two times over. So there. Simply put: if you live your life in a way that makes you obviously unfit for quality parenting (duh!), you get the snip. Why not? We spay and neuter our pets, don't we? Do you want to walk out your door one day to thousands of wild cats and dogs shitting on your front steps every morning? Of course not! Cats and dogs have feelings and free will just like humans do, and we seem to think spaying and neutering is ok for them. Why not us? It blows me away that Rosie O'Donnell can't adopt a special-needs child in Miami and give him/her a privileged life simply because she's a lesbian, but Joe Wifebeater in the trailer park 15 miles away can breed an army of future miscreants and mullet-wearing, drunk-driving mutants. I'm not a hardass. I just don't want to walk out my door in twenty years to a bunch of inbred, gun-toting pedophiles with American flags on their shirts and "Vote For Bush" stickers on their pickup trucks, overflowing over America's lawns and beyond.
We're not talking about cutting anyone's balls off or ripping out anyone's ovaries (although there are pro-doms here in San Francisco that would be happy to oblige for those who are into that sort of thing). Just a painless operation. And that's it. No more breeding. And in a lot of cases, we'd be doing those people a favor. A lot of them don't want to have kids anyway, but for one reason or another have said 'no' to birth control.
So who gets the snip? I've done a lot of thinking about this (which means I need a hobby), and here is what I've come up with:
1) Politicians: One word...Dubya. Besides, anyone who took American History in high school (and paid attention) knows that our political system was originally set up to keep family political dynasties from happening. Maybe if George Sr. was shooting blanks or Bar was as barren as a Texas tumbleweed, we would all be in much better shape right now. Do you really think people who choose politics as a career can be all that present for their children anyway?
2) Pedophiles: I dare you to argue with me on this one. I feel that it would be an insult to all of us if I even bothered to go into why these people shouldn't be allowed to have kids. Actually, I think they should all be put to death (and don't call me extreme, I know old, love-your-fellow-man-under-all-circumstances hippies who feel the exact same way). We'd be a lot better off without 'em.
3) Wife-beaters: Who needs more of these, anyway! The only people who beat on their loved ones are ones that had to watch their own folks get into it when they were kids. The solution? Stop the breeding! Break the cycle, right? In fifty years, you'll see domestic crimes drop to almost zero.
4) Oompa-Loompas: Why, you ask? Because they're so goddamned judgmental! Have you ever seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? The way they danced on those poor childrens' graves? Besides, they're all psychologically damaged from having an interspecies sugar daddy. If it weren't for that old perv, they'd all be stuck in trees eating caterpillar corpses.
5) People who let TV raise their children: This is where it gets a little tricky. Obviously, people can get into sticky situations and HAVE to work to survive. It's easy to sit there and judge low-income families and say "Hey, if you're so poor, then stop having kids!� Sometimes it just isn't planned that way. Layoffs happen, you know? Besides, statistics show that these folks do their best to keep their kids' well being from being compromised...somehow, they make it work. Ask just about anyone who grew up in my old neighborhood.
What pisses me off are the driven-by-greed yuppies who think it's more important to work 70-hour weeks so they can have SUV's and live in gated communities than to make a few sacrifices and have someone there for the kids. I don't care if it's the mother, father, grandmother, etc...just have a responsible adult who is involved in the child's life! Look at the 200 or so 15-year-olds in suburban Atlanta who had more STD's in them than a 45 year old Tenderloin crack whore, and you'll see that these kids fit the same profile: both parents work to keep up with the Joneses (MUST have a bigger swimming pool, I repeat, MUST), and they think that once a child turns 9 or so it's ok to leave them to fend for themselves. So a few years later, they come up with the crazy idea to have sex orgies with their classmates in the basement.
News flash: MTV IS NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!
6) The rest: There are so many other groups of people, as well as individuals, who for one reason or another should not have children. However, not all of them necessarily need their own paragraph. For example, people who guest star on Jerry Springer certainly do not, for the love of all things good, need to be cloning THEIR ranks�the same goes for murderers, because, after all, children don�t need that energy around them�neither do the children of people who compete in death sports, such as race car drivers and pro wrestlers, because why bring kids into a world where they constantly have to worry about having to watch a parent die. I mean, if you have a death wish, try not to let it affect too many people�speaking of which, we have a whole new sub-generation coming of age these days, known as second-generation crack whores�have I offended anybody yet? Perhaps, but I am sure that by all accounts, I am way less offensive than gay-bashers, white supremacists, Johnnie Cochran, petty criminals who pose as hippies, CEOs of major corporations, pimps, musicians who portray violence as fun and glamorous, Hollywood executives, and corporate attorneys. I may not be able to provide an ideal life for a new human being, but guess what? I DON�T HAVE ANY!!!!!
