She smiled at his obvious astonishment. She could tell that he did understand that. Good. She added, "If you start feeling like you're losing your soul, you'll be no good to any of us. I call it 'burn-out' when I start feeling like that. And that's when you must go away. You'll be missed. But if you make a mistake during a mission due to exhaustion, and end up killing yourself, we'll miss you even more."
"The trouble is," Philip said softly, "even if I wanted t' leave, I don't know if I can. Renee . . ." He shook his head, saying, "She looks so much like Kristen. I betrayed her, I allowed her t' die. She was countin' on me, on all of us, and I let her down. How can I walk away from a woman who looks so much like Kristen?"
Val sighed. She hadn't planned to have the previous conversation with Philip so early, but he had needed to hear what she had told him. But this part . . . she didn't know how to deal with this, except head-on. Val told the priest, "That's something you have to work out for yourself, Philip. There's nothing I can do or say which will help with that."
The priest managed a weak smile and replied, "You've already helped, more than I can say. Thank you, Valerie. Thank you for givin' me m' freedom. For allowin' me t' make m' own choices, and not judgin' me for the ones I make. It means a lot t' me." Val just smiled very sadly at the priest, who seemed suddenly younger than she was. Yes, she knew that he was almost five years older than she was, but his time in Derek Rayne's House had seriously shaken his belief in himself.
It angered her, to see someone as intelligent as Philip, being this tentative, but she fought the anger. Instead, she told him in a soft voice, "I'm only a precept, Philip. I'm not God, or anyone important like that. I have no right to tell you what to think, or how to feel. I'm just a woman, just a historian, just a precept. I hold a power that makes me uncomfortable, the power of life or death over my people. And I'm terrified of making the wrong decisions."
"That," Philip said slowly, "it would seem, is why I'm here. The bishop was your advisor?" Val nodded. Her advisor, and much much more. He had been a combination of advisor, parent, and conscience. The priest was silent for several moments, then said, "I can act as a linguist and scholar. I don't know you well enough t' advise you. But if you ask me what I think about somethin,' I can tell you."
"That's exactly what I want you to do. And don't ever be afraid to tell me if something doesn't feel right to you," Val explained. The young precept thought of her conversation with Tatya once more, then asked, "Philip, would you agree the Legacy occasionally creates monsters? That, in the process of trying to stop evil, it creates a new evil?"
Philip bobbed his head and replied, "Of course. It happens in the Legacy all too often. That's what frightens me. The prospect that I'll become like those demons in flesh." He sighed and added, "I try t' have compassion for them. I try t' tell m'self that they're weak. But . . . that's not always easy for me t' do, especially when I see the consequences of their weakness. I'm weak, too, but . . . in a different way."
Val chose to ignore the last part of his statement, because she didn't want to argue with him. Instead, she said, "Exactly. Ever since I became precept, I've been on a project. Actually, that's not right. Even before I became a precept, even before I officially joined the Legacy, I've been involved in this project. I've been trying to learn what causes those monsters in the Legacy, and finding ways to stop it. Figure out what kinds of measures need to be taken."
She could tell the priest was interested, and Val continued, "I can't do anything about the other Houses. But, as the psych specialist for our House, Tatya has the ability to pull the personnel files. In other words, she can study the psych profiles of the members, such as Jonathan Boyle, and see if she can find his weakness."
Philip's pale eyes lit up and he exclaimed excitedly, "You mean, she does case studies! She'll pull a particular person's file, study it, and see how likely they are t' turn. If not officially, then allow their weakness t' destroy them, the way Nick's father did. And really, that's almost the same as turnin' t' the dark." Valerie nodded, smiling at his excitement. I owe you one, Tatya, she thought, even though he's still reluctant to join us full time, I have his interest. Just like you said I would.
"Exactly. Jonathan Boyle was always weak. He came from an abusive home as well, as I'm sure you've guessed. But, instead of rising above it, as his son did, he turned it into an excuse. It became an enabling excuse to retreat from his own responsibilty. A trait common among abusers," the young precept said.
Before she could stop herself, Val added, "I really have to wonder what his excuse for beating my mother was . . . oh, never mind, I forgot. She was a witch, she didn't deserve to live." Val almost choked on her bitterness, and the compassion in Philip's eyes made her even more ashamed at her lapse in control.
Philip replied quietly, "That's what it is, Valerie. An excuse. And the pattern can be broken. Nick is a prime example of that. For all the hell his father put him through, Nick survived, and he didn't allow his father's weakness t' destroy him. Just as you haven't allowed the pain of your early life t' destroy you."
Val looked at him in astonishment and Philip continued, "I'd like t' hear about your mother. We don't belong to the same faith, but she sounds like a fascinatin' woman." Val nodded sadly and Philip continued, "And your project is also fascinatin.' There's a tendency sometimes t' think the Legacy members are angels, and therefore, without weakness."
"Which is an out and out falsehood. If anything, Legacy members are MORE prone to drinking, to drugs, to other things such as that, because we work in such a mind-bending world. I think that's what concerns Tatya most about Dr. Corrigan in San Francisco," Val observed. She bit her tongue a half second later, but it was too late.
Philip blanched. He didn't become angry or try to defend Corrigan when Val mentioned the psychiatrist . . . but there was pain in his eyes. Why? Her godfather had mentioned that Philip had gone to San Francisco after Derek Rayne's brush with death.
Did that visit back to San Francisco, while Derek Rayne was still unconscious have something to do with Philip's reaction to Rachel Corrigan's name? However, she didn't question the priest . . . instead, she explained, "Tatya is concerned by Dr. Corrigan's instability. More to the point, she's an alcoholic. Now, Andy is also an alcholic."
And her head researcher would probably kill her for admitting that, but it was a matter of record. He continued his battle with the bottle to this day. Val continued, "The difference is, in the first place, Andy doesn't occupy the status which Rachel Corrigan does. And in the second, while Andy has a temper, he's actually learned how to control his emotions. Something which, evidently, Dr. Corrigan never has. So, what do you think would happen to her under the strains of the Legacy?"
Val took a deep breath, then explained, "That is what frightens Tatya. Is she right? I don't know. But I do know that Angeline D'Arcy spun out of control, in much the same way Dr. Corrigan tends to do. Mind you, I'm basing this on what I've heard from other Houses about her. I don't know the woman myself, but what I do hear is NOT encouraging. The Legacy hierarchy thinks she's the cat's meow, but I'm very troubled by the things I've heard about her behavior."
She would have explained her concerns position further to the priest, but an angry shout stopped her. Val recognized the voice without trouble. It was Andy. Val couldn't tell what he was shouting about, but she could tell it was coming from the general area of the kitchen. She sighed and muttered, "And you're about to get an introduction to Andy's temper. Damn, I hoped you'd have more time to settle before this happened!"
"No time like the present," Philip observed and Val smiled at him. Yes, she thought she would like this priest. As long as he remembered their bargain, and didn't try to convert her, they would get along just fine. Based on their discussion so far, she had a feeling he would honor his word. Philip added wryly, "I'll try not t' make thin's worse."
Val just rolled her eyes. She didn't see how he could make things worse. Then again, the precept thought, you have no idea what's happened. Yet. She told the priest, "Well, then, once more into the breach!" Philip grinned at her reference to Shakespeare, then they joined the others in the kitchen.
* * *
Against his will, against his better judgment even, Philip was finding himself drawn into this House. Not by the mission, as he had in San Francisco, then again in Boston, but by the people. By Valerie Barton, the soft-spoken young precept, whose vision and understanding of the Legacy mirrored his own so well. And who, despite her own wounds, seemed to determined to make his life as easy as possible in these early weeks, despite his friendship with Derek.
Andrew Ramirez, who had lost so much to the Legacy. Again, against his will, Philip found himself wanting to know more. Wanting to understand what had happened ten years earlier when the former journalist's fiancee had been killed. And, if he wasn't being too presumptuous, to heal the wounds which Derek had inadvertently created.
Tatiana Elliot, Baltimore House's psychological expert and mother hen, or so it appeared. Valerie had said Tatiana was concerned about San Francisco . . . that she believed the weak link to be Rachel. After his last trip to San Francisco, just after the explosion, Philip couldn't argue. And, there was Rachel's reaction when she learned the truth about her mother's death, almost five years earlier.
Philip would be the first to admit that he hadn't been exactly rational when his brother was killed in a terrorist bomb. But he hoped, that no matter how angry he had been at the IRA, he wouldn't have blamed the child of the bomb maker. Or whoever had placed the bomb. Not the way Rachel had blamed Derek.
Not that Philip was passing judgment on her. That wasn't his place. But in light of that, and in light of what had happened after Derek was almost killed in the blast, Tatiana's suspicions didn't seem so far fetched. However, it couldn't be denied that, when it came to her heart, Tatiana was much like Alex.
While Danielle Grant had reminded him, at first glance, of Alex, he had quickly realized that the two young women weren't much alike. Dani was a former Marine, opinionated on things where Alex would have held her peace. Still, he looked forward to learning what made Danielle unique, and what other ways she was like Alex.
And then there was Renee Lawson. She was Kristen's very image. Philip knew that as long as he was here, he could allow no harm to come to Renee. He had failed Kristen, by not being able to save her. He would not fail Renee.
And that was how his decision was made. He could not, in good conscience, leave Baltimore House. Because of what Derek had done, to both Valerie and Andrew, and because of what Philip had failed to do for Kristen, he had to remain here. He had to atone for his failings, and learn what had happened first to Deirdre Barton, then to Heather.
It was with that in mind that he walked at Valerie's side into the kitchen. Andy was yelling something at Dani, while Renee stood in the corner, her arms wrapped protectively around Jasmine. Philip doubted if it was necessary, but it was another reminder of Kristen . . . who had wanted children, wanted to love.
"Oh, I take a nap and everything goes to hell? I wonder how you kept from killing each other while I was gone," Valerie said when Andy paused for breath. Everyone looked at her, and Valerie looked at Renee rather pointedly, adding, "And we will discuss your habit of turning off my alarm clock, Renee Claire. Later."
"Remind me next time to scram, instead of sticking around like a good girl," Renee muttered. Philip looked at her in surprise, and Renee added with a sigh, "I don't suppose 'I only did it for love' would work, would it?" Valerie looked at the girl steadily and Renee murmured, "Didn't think so, but figured it was worth a shot."
"Like I said . . . later. Now. Would someone like to explain why I had to officially introduce myself to Philip when I heard an argument going on? For that matter, would someone like to explain why there was an argument in the first place, much less as our new addition was trying to get some rest?" Valerie asked.
"Andy was acting up again, Val. He picked a fight with Dani. From what I could gather from the shouting, once I got in here, Dani said something about taking care of Philip. And that set Andy off," Tatiana sighed. Andrew glared at her, but the psychologist pointedly ignored him.
Valerie rubbed her forehead, closing her eyes at the same time, and said in a quiet voice, "I see. So, Andy, is there a problem? Dani is an ex-Marine, the head of security for this House. It's her job to take care of Philip, to take care of all of us. Why do you have a problem with that?" She opened her eyes as she finished speaking.
"It wasn't what she said, Val, it's how she said it! It was disgusting!" Andrew exclaimed. Valerie just raised a dark brow, as if encouraging the man to continue, but Andrew shook his head wearily. He whispered, "Look, Val . . . I'm not trying to cause trouble, I'm trying to stay out of it. But I'm tired of the women in this House fawning over him!"
He indicated Philip with a contemptuous look, and Philip couldn't help stiffening. Valerie put a hand on his arm and said, "Andy, explain how we're fawning over him. I just met him. And Philip told me that he practically collapsed when he got here. When has there been time for us to fawn over him?"
"I didn't mean you! I meant . . . I meant Dani. She's acting like she's never seen a man in her life! And she can't even sleep with him! I mean, it's funny to watch her drool, but she's acting like this because of a priest! And not just any priest, but . . . !" Andrew exploded.
"Not just any priest, but Derek Rayne's pet priest, Andy? Isn't that the phrase you used? Except, remember what Tatya told you. He's his own man. He doesn't need me to take care of him, or anyone else. But I take care of this House, that's my job," Danielle said firmly.
"His own man? How? Working for Derek Rayne, when we all know what that man does. No, I take it back. He's not a man. Real men don't kill innocent women. They don't rig a building to explode, then fail to stop a mother from entering. And they sure as hell don't allow a member of their team to try to cow a little girl!" Andrew spat. Philip looked at the grim women. What was he talking about? Cowing a little girl?
"That is enough! In the first place, you both can just stop the argument. Neither of you will win, and you'll need your energy for other things. In the second place, you both owe our guest an apology. He is standing right here . . . don't talk about him as if he's not. That is rude!" Valerie said, glaring at both combatants.
Danielle looked at her feet and said, "You're right, and I'm sorry. Philip, I wasn't trying to make you feel like an outcast. It's just that when I get angry, I try to take over. It's a failing, and one I've been working on overcoming. Forgive me?"
Philip needed no time to think about that. He bobbed his head. Andrew was also looking down at his feet, and muttered, "I'm sorry for waking you up. Excuse me, I have work to do." He bolted from the room, without another word to anyone. He wouldn't even look at Philip.
Valerie sighed and said, "I'm sorry, Philip. That's a terrible welcome you've received in the last few hours. But I promise. Give us half a chance, and we'll make it up to you. Deal?" Philip had only to look at Renee Lawson's hopeful face before he nodded. It was the only answer he could have given.
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