See Prologue (A) for Disclaimers

(See version B of this chapter instead)

Chapter Four

Tao kissed her back, passion working its way in only slightly before he pulled back.  His hands went to her shoulders, sliding gently across her skin before slipping under the broad shoulder-straps of her dress.  He bent his head and kissed her neck again, then her collarbone and the slope of one shoulder, his mouth moving in slow, sweet kisses.  Again he pulled back, his eyes meeting hers and silently asking permission.  Miren smiled in response.

With an answering smile, Tao took her hands in his own and led her back to the blankets spread on the soft grass beneath the tree.  When they reached it, he lifted his hands to her shoulders again and kissed her softly.  His hands returned to the straps at her shoulders, pushing them down slowly until the fabric rested lightly on the tops of her breasts.  He pulled away from her mouth to lay gentle kisses on the swell of her breasts, then caught the rough-woven, loose-fitting cloth about her waist and lifted it.  Miren raised her arms to allow him to pull the dress completely off, shivering slightly as the night breeze touched her bare skin.

Tao looked down at her for a moment, his gaze reverent, and for the first time in her life Miren felt actually attractive.  Tao was enchanted by the silvered beauty of her body, perfectly proportioned into a slender hourglass shape.  She was of middling height, but her body was slender despite pregnancy, a sign of past malnutrition.  Her waist indented slightly, her hips gently wide and carrying the weight of the child in her womb well.  Her small breasts were beginning to swell with milk, and the nest of dark curls at the apex of her thighs promised soft sweetness.

Tao raised his eyes to her face, again asking permission.  Miren smiled and slowly he let his hands drift down to her breasts.  Gently, so very gently, he cupped them, his thumbs grazing her nipples as they pebbled in the cool air.  His head dipped and he kissed her throat, then collarbone; his knees bent as he continued the kisses lower, his lips touching lightly on her breasts.  He lifted his head again and looked into her eyes, smiling sweetly.  "You are so beautiful," he told her in a murmur.

Miren smiled back, fighting the nervousness that was suddenly catching her now.  No one had ever looked at her like this, touched her like this . . . she suddenly felt as if this was her first time.  In a way, some part of her acknowledged, it was.  "Am I?" she asked, genuinely.

Tao stared at her, surprised.  "Yes.  Did you not know that?  Did no one ever tell you?"

Miren shook her head.  "No," she said, in answer to both questions.  "I don't think Terrons see beauty really.  Women are . . . women.  They said my mother was pretty, but . . . I've never known if I was."  She chuckled, bitterness in the sound.  "When a woman is with child is the only time a Terron is not rough with her -- by Zad's order, in case the child is male.  But the only thing I've heard a Terron say of her looks then is that she seems like an overripe fruit."

Tao looked at her steadily, an expression on his face very like the one she had worn at his own opinion of himself.  Slowly, he shook his head.  "You are beautiful, Miren," he said quietly.  "In many ways.  Your beauty is in your heart: in your strength and courage, kindness and intelligence.  But it is also in your face and form.  And being with child only adds to that beauty in my eyes."  One hand cradled her cheek, but the other lowered to curve against the swell of her belly.  "You carry life within you, Miren.  That is something no man can ever do, something . . . beautiful, and glorious, and precious."  He looked at her for a long moment, then added softly, "You are precious."

Miren swallowed hard against the tears she found burning her eyes.  She raised her hand to his face, caressing the strong line of his cheek and jaw, and whispered his name.  Tao smiled and kissed her lightly, then slowly lowered himself to his knees, kissing his way down her body.  Kneeling, he pressed his lips to her round belly, kissing it lightly, like a worshiper paying homage to something holy.  Miren whispered his name again and joined him on the ground, his hands rising to offer her support as she did so.  She chuckled at the glimpse of concern on his face as she lowered herself.  "I'm not that far along yet," she told him.

Tao smiled and nodded.  "No," he agreed, and kissed her mouth again.

He allowed the passion to ignite this time, while his hands traveled incongruously gentle across her skin, caressing her breasts and then sliding deliciously slow to her back.  Miren arched slightly into his touch and sighed in encouragement.  A thought occurred to her as she tried to return the caresses and found cloth in her way.  She wanted to feel his skin under her fingers.  Badly.  Miren murmured his name in a tone meant to summon attention.  When he complied by lifting his head from her shoulder, she said, a bit breathlessly, "You're wearing too much cloth."

Tao blinked, then smiled slightly.  In the bright moonlight, Miren could see the pupils dilate a bit further in his pale eyes.  He unwrapped the belt from his hips and tossed it aside; the shirt soon followed.  Miren's breath caught slightly, surprising her.  Slowly, with the same gentleness in his own touch, she placed her hands on his shoulders and let them glide down.  The hair on his chest was sparse but silky, sliding through her fingers as she followed the line of his muscles.  He was not as well-developed as Dar, but there was no mistaking the strength in those muscles, nor the beauty of his form.

Miren leaned her head down to rest her cheek against the warm skin of his shoulder, breathing in his scent, memorizing it, letting it sink into her awareness.  She kissed the side of his neck as he had hers, and smiled as his breath caught in his chest.  She raised her head and found her lips captured in another kiss.  She went with it, leaning into him as his arms came around her gently, but her hands slid down to the top edge of his pants.  She pulled away slightly and murmured against his mouth, "Still too much cloth."

Tao let out a soft sound that might have been a groan, and rid himself of boots and pants with surprising speed.  Miren chuckled slightly as he stayed half-lying on the blanket and pulled her down towards him, smiling brightly as the stars.  She remembered the first time she saw him smile, in the Terron camp.  She had said something -- what exactly, she could not recall -- but it had amused him and his smile had surprised her.  It had been a very long time since she had seen anyone other than a warrior smile, and this was the first time she had seen this  kind of smile: bright, playful, and not at the expense of another.  It had been the first time Miren had allowed herself to think of what the outside world must be like, to have such people in it that could smile like that.

She did not tell this to Tao as she stretched out, partly on top of him, only smiled as she looked at him and brushed her fingers through his hair.  Tao raised his eyebrows.  "What?"

Miren shook her head.  "Nothing.  Just thinking, remembering."

Tao raised himself onto one elbow, shifting so that she changed position and lay on her back.  He smiled down at her.  "No memories tonight," he admonished her.  "No thoughts.  Just feel."  In encouragement of that policy, he lowered his head to her nearest breast.

Miren let out a little gasp, her eyes closing as he kissed the sensitive flesh.  His mouth moved slowly to the nipple then stopped there, kissing lightly.  His tongue darted out to taste her skin, then circled slowly around the erect nub.  Very gently, he took it into his mouth and suckled it.  Miren gasped slightly as sensation flooded her -- and tensed suddenly as memory accompanied it, crashing over her unexpectedly.  Tao sensed it immediately and stopped, lifting his head to look at her with concerned eyes.

"Shhh," he murmured.  He pulled away to give her room, his hand rising to stroke through the hair by her forehead.  "It's all right."  His gaze moved down slightly, as if to ascertain why that touch had called such memories, and tensed himself.  Shining dimly in the bright moonlight were scars he had not seen under the shadows cast by their bodies.

They varied in shape and size and cause.  Bite-marks, the indentations so clear that they must have been deep when made, ranged across her collarbone and concentrated on her small breasts.  Thin lines as if from sharp nails -- or a small blade -- slid in random places across her chest, ribs and belly.  Tao felt rage curl tightly in his gut, and his expression hardened.  He forced his fingers to unclench and looked at Miren's face.  She was watching him, perfectly still; something hunted lived within her expression.   Do you still find me beautiful? her eyes asked.

Tao's eyes locked with hers for a long moment, then slowly he lowered his head.  His lips touched the first scar lightly with a kiss, then moved to the next, and the next, and the next.  He continued until he had covered each one with a kiss, as if that could somehow heal the wounds she had been given.   Perhaps not the physical ones, he thought,  but the ones on her soul. . .  He looked up again and found her still watching him, tears shining in her eyes.  He pulled himself back up to lie fully beside her and kissed her again on the lips, the touch gentle but passionate, telling her exactly how beautiful he still found her.

Miren kissed him back, almost desperately.  When they pulled apart, Tao wrapped his arms around her, simply holding her and letting her heart ease.  Miren held onto him tightly, letting his strength and stability settle into her and become her own.  After a long moment, Miren lifted her head from where she had buried it against his shoulder and looked straight into his eyes.

She touched his face with her fingertips, tracing the line of one cheekbone, then his jaw, studying every detail of him.  Her eyes and then fingertips settled lightly against his mouth.  That sweet, caring, wonderful mouth.  Tao watched her, letting her make her choices without a sound.  Finally, she smiled softly, her eyes lifting from her consideration of his mouth, up to his eyes again.  She tilted her head forward and kissed him softly, then pulled back slightly.  "Tao," she murmured.  "Sweet one . . .  Make love to me."

Tao smiled softly and kissed her, gentle still, but turning long and sweet, and slow.  Gently, he shifted her onto her back and once again laid soft kisses across her skin.  Miren sighed and took firm control of her instincts, commanding her mind and body to forget every touch she had known before.  A few times more, that command slipped and she would tense -- and each time, Tao would kiss her gently, touch her gently, whisper that it was all right, and the fear would be washed away.

Her passion grew slowly but surely, the fire being banked with each sweet, expert touch of his hands, fingers, mouth, tongue.  To her surprise, she felt a wetness gather between her legs; she remembered some of the women talking about what it was like to lie with a man willingly, and the things one's body did to make it easier, better . . .   Yes, definitely better, Miren thought distantly as Tao brushed slowly against a spot at the apex of her thighs.  The sudden rush of pleasure that accompanied that small touch took her by surprise and she gasped.  Tao paused and looked down at her to be sure she was all right.  Miren smiled at him.   Most definitely better, she thought, remembering some of the other talk she had overheard.

Tao smiled and kissed her as he returned his hand to where it had just been, fingers sliding slowly across that spot, using the moisture her body provided to ease the touch further.  His weight shifted slightly, a little more on top of her than he had been before, and it combined suddenly with the presence of his hand there to slam memory back into her mind.  He sensed it instantly and moved away, giving her time to regain control, whispering to her that it was all in the past.  Miren nodded, but her heart pounded as she fought her instincts.

Tao looked at her with a small frown.  He wanted so badly to help her, to ease the pain he saw flinch across her face . . . and he wanted to go back to the Terron camp and kill every one of the men who had ever touched her in the ways that made her body afraid now.  He firmly quashed the second desire: what mattered now, the only thing that mattered now, was to help her conquer those demons.  But if it was so painful for her . . .

"Miren," he said gently.  "We can wait.  It's all right.  There's no rush --"

But she shook her head firmly.  "Yes, there is," she told him fiercely.  "I don't want to live in fear, I don't want to take comfort from having no human touch at all.  I want this, I want you -- and not just to chase away the fear."  She paused and her eyes flashed with anger.  "And I refuse to let those bastards keep me from it!"

Tao blinked and restrained a laugh.  "You're truly  angry," he realized aloud.

Miren blushed slightly, but nodded.  "The Terrons controlled me, ruined my life, for far too long.  Now that I'm free . . . I won't let them do it anymore.  Not here, not now -- not with you.  I--"  The blush strengthened.  She forced herself to continue.  "I've never  wanted anyone before, Tao.  I've never felt pleasure, or anticipation . . . but every time you touch me . . . it feels so . . .   good.  I want you to touch me.  I want you to make love to me.  I want to feel you. . ."

Tao swallowed hard and covered the rush of emotions inside him by following her wishes.  He returned to his caresses, being as gentle and careful as before, kissing and stroking, bringing soft gasps and little moans from her throat.

Her words and expression, her reactions -- as well as just  her -- seemed to arrow straight down to his groin and become pure desire . . . and  need.  He could feel himself getting harder, wanting her, wanting to be inside her, welcomed by her. . .  But how to accomplish that without causing discomfort either from the slight obstacle of her belly or from her memories?

In his own memories, he heard Aleye's voice.  It had been the only time she had actually spoken to him of her experiences, as her resolve had slowly eroded.   They're not very creative, most of them.  But they like to see a woman's face.  They like to see her pain.

Another memory, this one from his cousin Ieri when she had been with child.  Tao had been sixteen and curious about how she and her husband could still seem as playful as before.   There are ways, Tao, she had told him, as open as always.   As you get older . . . well, you'll find that there are more ways than one to make love.  And some are better suited to a pregnant woman than others.  He had found out what she meant a couple of years later, with Asha, his first time.  It had been curiosity more than it had been love, and Asha was a year his elder -- she was also a very enthusiastic, skilled, and rather adventurous lover.  Tao gave her a mental thanks now as a way occurred to him.

He raised himself up and touched Miren's face with the backs of his fingers, looking deeply into her eyes as she looked at him in response to the touch.  "Do you trust me?" he asked.

Miren stared at him for a moment before answering.  "With everything I am," she whispered.

Tao smiled softly and kissed her.  "There is a way that someone showed me, once. . . so that I do not put my weight on you, or the baby . . . or, I hope, your memories."

"How?"

Tao took a breath and let it out slowly; this was the true test of both trust and desire.  "Turn on your side, away from me."

Miren frowned slightly as her mind assessed the possibilities of what he meant.  Tao waited, no pushing in any way.  Finally, she answered him with a soft kiss.  "I trust you," she repeated, and turned onto her side, her back to him.

Tao swallowed against the tears that sprang to his own eyes at the trust she was giving him.  Trust made one vulnerable, and to someone who had been abused as Miren had, that made the granting of it all the more precious.  He lay close up against her back, his hands and lips running gently against her skin, caressing, kissing, letting her grow accustomed to the position, to the feel of him hard against her.

One hand slid down her ribcage, gliding to her thigh to gently request admission.  Miren let out a soft sound, her eyes closed, every sense focused on his touch, and parted her legs slightly.  Tao kissed her shoulder softly as he slid his hand between her thighs, finding the crease at the center, already hot and wet.  He shuddered slightly as he felt that moisture, restraining himself with growing difficulty, and slid his fingers through her heat, bringing them up to the tiny bundle of nerves hidden at the top of those folds.

Miren gasped quietly as he gently slipped one finger against that nub, pleasure ricocheting through that spot and spreading like fire through her limbs.  "Oh gods," she murmured.  "Tao. . . what. . .?"

He smiled and kissed the side of her jaw as she turned her head slightly towards him.  "Something else someone showed me.  Men are not the only ones who can receive pleasure, Miren."

"I had heard such things . . . from the other women . . ." She gasped as his finger moved slowly against her clit, sending another wave of pleasure through her.  She smiled, her eyes still closed, and Tao wished he could fully see her expression.  "I am glad that they were not just tales. . ."

Tao chuckled and kissed her jaw again, then her ear and the side of her neck.  "No," he assured her.  "Not just tales."

They continued that way for a time, her breathing growing more shallow as he pleasured her.  Tao tried to center himself, but he was almost painfully hard now, watching her, listening to her. . .  He wanted her  now, badly.  But still he waited.  When he felt she was ready, Tao murmured into her ear, "Miren?"

Her hand clutched the arm wrapped gently under her waist.  She nodded, her voice husky as she whispered, "Yes . . ."

Tao kissed her shoulder, and shifted slightly, positioning himself until he felt that hot wetness rubbing against the head of his cock, inviting, welcoming.  He pushed slightly, just the tip of him entering, and then stopped.  Her inner muscles contracted instantly around him, in welcome or tension was impossible to tell even from Miren's little gasp.  He groaned softly at the feel of her.  It took every ounce of control that he possessed to not push all the way in at once, feel the heaven that her body promised.  Instead, he squashed that desire, concentrating on  her instead: her breathing, the tension in her body, the gradual relaxation.  "Shhh," he murmured gently into her ear.  "It's all right . . ."

Miren gasped at the feel of him entering her, though she was anticipating it, wanting it for the first time in her life.  She hadn't really looked at him before, following instinct that told her that seeing his member would jolt the fear out of hiding.  But now, as he slid in . . .  She was expecting him to enter all at once, as she was accustomed to, but instead he stopped, just the head inside her.  His breath was warm and soothing on her neck, his voice matching it.

"I won't hurt you," he reminded her.  "I'll never hurt you . . . I promise.  Shhh. . ."

After a long moment, knowing now that he was waiting and would wait, she nodded, her hand on his arm tightening slightly.  And slowly, so gently and slowly, he entered a little deeper inside her.  Miren gasped again, but this time in a slow ripple of pleasure that took her by surprise.  She automatically evaluated his size, her subconscious trying to decide how much pressure and pain to expect.  She had had some men who were bigger -- but there had been far more who had been smaller.  His size was . . . nice.  She almost giggled at the strangeness of that thought.  But it was true.  He felt nice, and . . . and  right.

Tao kissed her shoulder, her neck, her ear.  Sweetly, softly, feather-light each time he pushed a little deeper inside.  Miren's hand continued to tighten on his arm, but Tao had the feeling it wasn't from pain.  That was confirmed as he gave one last little push, reaching his limit, buried to the hilt within her.  This time when he stopped it was to try to calm the erratic beat of his own heart.  Gods, she felt so good . . . hot, wet, tight . . . gods, so tight.  His arm tightened slightly under her belly, then loosened again.  Cradling her, his other hand still between her legs, his fingers starting to move again in the rhythm they had abandoned while he entered her.  Miren's breath caught and then released in a small moan.  She whispered his name, then added, "Please. . ."

Tao swallowed hard, praying for guidance, for the ability to give her what she deserved.  Slowly, he withdrew almost completely, then pushed in.  Miren made a little sound, her hand sliding down the arm wrapped about her until it reached his wrist, then hand.  Their fingers intertwined and clenched, and Tao withdrew and pushed in again.  Gradually they established a rhythm, Miren's hips starting to move back to welcome each gentle thrust, little gasps and moans escaping her as his fingers slid through the hot wetness, stroking her clit with equal gentleness.  Then, slowly, at her silent approval, the rhythm increased.

Their bodies shone in the bright silver light, following a motion almost as old as time and nature, breath coming faster in their lungs.  Miren was awash in pleasure, from his fingers, from his motion inside her, from the sheer idea of the tenderness he showed.  Fear and anger were swept away, despair, hopelessness, anxiety . . . nothing existed but the feel of his body against her, inside her, the ebb and flow of life and love, and how things were  meant to be.

She could feel him getting closer to climax, sense it in the way his fingers clenched around her own, the way his breathing shuddered slightly as he continued to whisper to her that he would never hurt her, never break her, never abandon her.  And sensation wound tighter in her belly, centering on the core he was caressing so expertly, inside and out, until she felt as if she would explode.  Her fingers clenched urgently around his and she let out a little cry.  "Gods . . . yes . . . Tao . . . oh gods . . ."

Tao felt her tightening around him, orgasm approaching.  He concentrated and managed to spin his awareness away from that same wonderful, increasing tension in his own body.   Her first, he thought with something like clarity.   I want to see her . . .  He repeated it aloud without realizing it.  "Miren . . . Look at me . . ."

As if caught in a dream, she turned her head, her eyes half-shut, gleaming in the moonlight.  Tao kissed her urgently, her mouth hot and sweet under his, and quickened the pace of his fingers against her clit.  He remembered Asha, the way he had made her come, and Inira, and Yenli . . . but none of those had been like this, none had held the same sweetness as now, as Miren let out a little cry as if startled by the increased pressure and speed of his touch.  Her fingers clenched hard about his other hand, and her mouth returned to his, hard and demanding and full of fire, as her muscles clenched around his cock and climax ripped through her for the first time.  She gasped as the wave caught her in its grasp, and then cried out with the sheer intensity of it.

Tao felt his body tense, demanding action to grant release, begging to fill her, feel her, be encompassed continually in her, taking her, receiving from her, completely and totally.  He held back.  He didn't want to hurt her, didn't want to bring back those memories with his own urgency.  Miren sensed it, perhaps saw it in his eyes as the wave started slowly to recede, and felt him still hard.  She kissed him again, murmuring against his mouth.  "Now, sweet one.  Now, come in me.  Let go, let me feel you. . .  I want to feel you. . ."

Her kiss returned, as demanding as when her own climax had hit, and he felt her hand clench again, her fingers sliding out from between his own to rake painfully against his knuckles.  Her hips pulled forward as he withdrew, then pushed back hard as he thrust.  She was asking, demanding, giving permission.  Tao groaned and kissed her back, hard.  His hips moved as if of their own accord, withdrawing and then pushing in hard.

Again and again and again, speeding up, taking everything she offered and giving all that she demanded in return.  Until it was too much, pleasure ricocheting through his senses, building up intolerably high, and his every sense exploded into a thousand fragments of light.  Miren's inner muscles clenched around him again, and again, milking him dry as his cock pulsed inside her, long-denied and now finally granted paradise.

The world started to come back together again and he realized that the ripples of her vaginal muscles were still continuing, although more gently, in a second orgasm.  He kissed her shoulder and neck, then her mouth as it sought his own.  The heavens receded gradually, leaving them hot and exhausted and utterly content.  Eventually, they pulled the other blanket over their tangled limbs and fell asleep, lying safe within one another's arms on the soft bank of the river, under the smiling gaze of the full moon and her array of stars.

Some distance away, Ruh settled his chin on his paws and let out a low rumble of amusement and approval.  In his considered opinion, it was about blessed time.

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