So instead we'll look to another recently celebrated English hero � no, not dinky little Clive Woodward � Horatio Nelson.Will, calm down; stop getting over-excited; wipe that stuff off your trousers... it's nothing to do with Trafalgar - look: SHUT UP! i'm writing the bleedin' match report and it has NOTHING to do with wars, battles, toy soldiers or walking aimlessly around a muddy field in the dreary Dutch countryside. It's the hat � oh yes � the THREE CORNERed hat, marvellously modelled here by the cabin boy. The admiral was smacked up on laudanum, fat & bloated in the steaming, squalid conditions, couldn't see out of one eye and barely unable to use his legs = not much difference to us lot on Saturday, bar the odd few who DID put in a performance. So we'll keep this short and sweat � a Trafalgar-style ambush.

Jonny seems to be dominating this section so far, almost bettering last week's superb strike with an absolute belter early on that left Tiffs keeper stranded and the bar reverberating as if festooned by HMS Victory's cannons.

Dunc had a left foot curler sail over the bar before delivering a corner from the right to the near post, using Wearmouth's steaming dreadnought run at the back stick as a decoy for Luke to hoist up the mainbrace and power in a header for 1-0. Then the wind dropped and we spent the rest of the match in the doldrums apart from a sudden gust of the trade winds to carry Nick's corner on to Luke's head again to nod in for 2-0. Luckily, Tiffs were playing palpably worse than us but after a blatantly offside goal was disallowed and the flames fanned, they only managed to get one back � headed in from a corner, naturally.

In a game where only a few of the crew climbed the rigging, the crow's nest was occupied by Ben who bravely volunteered to stand-in for Mozzer and produced a sure-handed display that would've put Andy to shame. Twas largely down to Ben that the scored stayed at 2-1, plus a crucial goal-line (literally) clearance from Wearmouth after the ball slipped through Ben's grasp. Last week, I said that absentees would have a hard time getting back into the team but after Ben's outstanding custodianship, Andy will have a scrap for the No.1 jersey.

Thankfully, we have a fortnight off to cogitate on most of the crew's lack of passion and commitment, hoist the mainsail and steer a course for calmer waters... 1805 this was not but Tiffs didn't kick up the usual storm, more's the pity.

Dunc