FECUND DESPAIR
1/18/02
Life is misery
a myriad of despair
Ask me to smile
Fuck you, do I care?
Just shove your sarcasm up
someone else's ass
working in this ass-wipe supermarket
is a pantywaist of a
blast
No tech job in sight
brazen dreams are gone
there's a stench of miasma
in the fetid air
Gone are the days of yore
melancholy arises
the sun also rises for the damned
Listless anguish awaits
daydreaming for money
akimbo upon a headful of cloud
No room for imperfection
No point of return
Life's maladies are equal to senseless
fallacies
utter confusion everywhere
Where the grass is greener
Is someone else's backyard
Tough times get tougher
Sooner to 30 each day
I'm swimming in a bloody cesspool of depression
My epitaph awaits
My senses are reeled
My necktie a noose
No one to help me up
valor is broken
Long for backwards time
To change the face of lost history
To feel the future drown me
into a trajectory of blight
Floater in my right eye
From a day of reckoning
Someone spiked my canteen
Now I'm in a delirium of eternal misfortune
Is it over for me?
A once promising strapping young man of 20
I sob in the afternoon boredom
Stinging tears of haplessness
No way to turn
Or run
facing reality
facing conundrums
facing regret
facing void
facing somber days
cynicism, my sex partner
damned I am
can't run from my troubles
only to face them with alarm
I'm soiled with self abhorrence
I'm a wailing baby
It's easy for you to say
Easier said than done
Someone take me up to heaven
So I can be at peace
Can I bring my notebook to heaven?
Where can I plug my digital friend?
Where are the cellular towers?
Where are the parking lots for my car?
Where's the bar?
Too many Flanders in this church
Too many goody-two shoes
I'm so sick and tired of it all
Is not life a stupid play?
Full of irritating characters
Each more fucked up than the first
Full of greed and lies
Malice and devious grit
my trophy - atrophy
my failure is denial
stripped away from the American dream
the world has eaten me alive
breathe on, my bellows, because this cat's
gone troppo
listless and frettless
Failure wants to chew my legs
forget the future
where is it now?
make additional plans of freedom
only to see them go out of line
don't tell me to enjoy working here
because I'll kick you in the face
damn customers
it's a wonder that you and I
breathe the same air
wasted days here in the checkout aisle
I wish I was far away from here
people disgust me
it's all too much to handle
too much to digest
too sad to feel in my veins
wish I was a pharmacist
so I don't have to worry about money
wish I was a network engineer
so I could be master of any domain
wish I had that practice
so I could be filthy rich
only to find in the end
that I'm nowhere
nowhere to my dreams
the seams are split
the forgotten days of promise
the once phenom is a fool
pick a major
get a long list of woes
no one to help pull me
from this damn ditch
denizen, I, I run to the
wooded forests of red blood
lost wondering blind dog
am I
damned to the bone
heartache upon heartache
if you work bad in even this small job
you'll bring those habits to your big job
the rationale even under migraines
it hurts
the truth hurts
but it's true
but still, I hate working here
and I'm unhappy
unhappy life
sad and blue
with each passing phase
a clink to my mortality
each doldrums a shade bluer
from left of the spectrum to the right
I say it's my last chance
She says it's only the beginning
And I want to believe her...
