How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you are on.
Blessed are they that can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused!
Advice is free.  The right answer will cost plenty
I love deadlines.  Especially the whooshing sound they make as they go by.
Christmas is weird.  What other time of the year, do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
The trouble with life is there is no background music
If you can't convince them confuse them
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?   A stick.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it
Why is it that if someone tells a man that there are 1 billion stars in the universe he will believe them, but they tell a man a wall has wet paint, he will have to touch it to be sure?
Of all the things I wanted to be, wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
Now I know why it is called "voice mail".  By the time you get through to an actual person you might as well have sent a letter.
When we fall asleep in prayer, God has ways of reminding us to finish (and you thought the dogs were barking at the moon).
Falling in love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.
If I can be of any help, you are in more trouble than what I thought.
Life is full of surprises, just say "never" and you will see what I mean.
If you want to be a leader with a large following just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road.
He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.
Good judgment comes from experience; and experience, well, that comes from bad judgment.
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
Never use a big word when a diminutive one will suffice.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going.  The not-so-tough scream for help!!
The only real substitue for good manners is good reflexes.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  If those eyes are near-sighted, all the better.
Sign on Amish carriage:   Energy efficient vehicle.  Runs on oats and grass.  Caution:  Do not step on exhaust.
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans for your life.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you fully understand the situation.
Public transportation notice:
When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.  If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language.  Thank you!
It isn't easy taking my problems one at a time, when they refuse to get in line.
Cheaters never win.......
Even if I have to fix it so they don't.
Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterdays nut that held it's ground.
Nothing improves a man's driving more like the sudden discovery that his license has expired.
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Someday we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
The worse possible moment for an atheist is when he feels grateful, but has none to thank.
The optimist fell ten stories.  At each floor he shouted to his friend, "All right so far"
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
The Lord didn't do it all in one day.  What makes me think I can?
[bumper snicker] DANGER!
I drive like you do!
Too many people remind you of French bread---
One Long Loaf
Don't have anything to be thankful for?  Check your pulse!
Everything is funny, as long as it happens to someone else.
He who laughs, lasts
When in doubt, wear RED
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