I can't tell you if I stumbled from the infuriating pain in my back or bloody sunrise that had crept up on us. Maybe it was just the pain I felt in my heart when I saw her lying there. I felt my whole body go numb. I was crying like a baby and there was nothing any of them could do to help. Sure, ol Spike's got an obsession. He doesn’t love her. He just wants her to be his sex monkey. I heard Harris that night. Vampire ears are better than one would like to think.

Red went over to her and yelled at her a few times. "Buffy snap out of it! Come back to us." She yelled. Giles stood there silent. I don't bloody know how. The rest of us were out of control. I remember walking over to her lifeless body, cursing at myself for failing her. I had promised to protect Dawn. I failed and Buffy paid for it with her life. She looked so beautiful while she slept that eternal sleep.

I recall thinking that wherever it was that she was now, she could have that normal that she always craved. No more demons to slaughter. No more unknowing mankind to protect. The gang treated me different now. I think they finally realized that I truly loved her and it was not some creepy stalking obsession. I picked her up and carried her the whole way to Sunnydale Memorial Hospital. No one protested. I think we all knew it was useless. Like I've said before. Fellas got to try. Right?

I talked to her while I carried her. Told her things I always wanted to tell her. Begged her, the heavens, the Powers That Be, anyone.... help her back to me. Crying the entire time. The Scooby’s followed me there. Maybe we all wanted to hear it from someone else. None of us could even breath the words Buffy’s gone. See, even now I cannot say the "d" word.

Willow went to LA before the funeral. She said Angel was beside himself, just like I was. I would have gone myself if I hadn’t been so dammed out of my mind with grief. I paced back and forth in my crypt some days. Not eating and beating myself up inside. What if I could have stayed at the top? Not let that scraggly demon of a man knock me off. I could have saved little bit and all would be well. She'd be here, busting down my door, knocking me around like always. But Buffy wasn’t busting down my door anymore. I missed the occasional ass kicking she gave me. Showed she cared on some level. She never took a stake to me in those final months. Not even after I told her I loved her. She just bloodied me up a bit, sneered at me and left me to wonder why it was I bothered with her.

Buffy smiled at me that night. Told me that she was counting on me to protect Dawn. She told us she loved us all. Take it how you want, she never said she didn't love me. She said all of us. Even at the house when I tried to tell her again how I felt, this time there was no I hate you, you disgust me, your a monster. Just those brilliant blue eyes staring back at me saying I know. She had this look in her eyes when we went over to get the weapons. Its almost like she knew tonight was her night to go. I told her I was the one to go down fighting. It was always the way I saw it. She’s the Slayer, I'm the demon. She’s supposed to outlive me, not the other way around. Life sure is a bitch. Alive or dead.

Its been 6 months now since we buried her in the cemetery she patrolled so much. Despite the day being overcast Giles concocted this black leather get up so I could go. It was hot as hell under there but I got to say goodbye. I stayed there long after the last of them had gone home. Xander came back for me that night. We sat in silence for awhile. Then he told me about how they were in school and how bad he hurt when she turned him down. He knew how I felt. He was reaching out to me. Maybe for his own peace of mind, or maybe because he really understood just what she meant. She would want you to go on living Spike. He told me.

Xander smiled then and stood up. We had both been just sitting there on the fresh dirt. you want to head back with me? Giles said there were something’s of hers he wanted you to have. I have to admit my curiosity peaked. What of hers could he possibly want me to have? Looking up to the stars I blew her a kiss and promised I'd be back later. That night and every night thereafter I would come for her.

Time passed slowly in the crypt that evening after I came home from being with her friends. They insisted now that I "keep in touch" and "Come around when I'm not busy."

Now tonight I sit here writing all this down for whom? Not for me. Not bloody likely. I'm still grieving. I can do that. I'll live forever. Who cares what I do? There are pages in history books about me. Maybe one day, if I ever slip up that is, someone will want to know how "William the Bloody" spent his final days. If I ever bloody have any. But here it will be. A vampire and his undying love for the Slayer. What a way for a vampire like me to go. I tell you what, before the chip I would have cared. I would have killed anyone who mentioned my feelings or made fun of the way I am. Tonight, none of that shit matters. Not one bit. The time I did share with her that meant something. Whether it was playing kick the Spike or helping her and her friends, protecting Dawn, she came to me when she needed something. She never said she loved me, but then again, she never said she didn’t either.

Spike put down his pen, leaned back in his chair and browsed over the words he had just written. He was satisfied at least for tonight. Again tomorrow night he would sit again and make revisions. He had felt inspired to write for weeks now. Who says he can't figure out a way to publish his works. They could all go under sci-fi he thought. No one believes in Vampires anymore anyhow. Only a few would know what he wrote was real. Besides he told himself over and over, he had over 100 yrs of stories to tell and he was flat broke. In the back of his mind and the depths of his unbeating heart, it also helped him get through Buffy's death.

He got up from his desk and made his way into the living area. Xander had brought him a movie to watch. Said it had lots of neat car chases and that Spike ought to enjoy it. Almost blindly he popped in the tape and sat down. No sooner was he into the movie and actually enjoying it, there came a knock at the crypt door. "Bloody hell, its midnight, who can that be?" Spike got up and made his way to the door. Shock covered his face like a shroud. His heart sank into his stomach as he said just one word....

"Buffy?"

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