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As Days Go By

~ You've left me now and its seasoned my soul ~

~ And with every step you take I watch another part of you go ~

Spike sat in his crypt. Alone. Drinking a bottle of Jack, writing, reading, and crumpling what he wrote. He missed her. It was simple as that. What else was there to do on a night like this?

A sudden knock at the door startled the vampire from his thoughts. A blank page stared up at him. There were so many things he wanted to write about her. So many memories that needed to be put on paper. Again he reminded himself to get them done. Before they slip away from his memory.

"Bloody hell who is that?" He muttered to himself as he answered the door. The knock was another reminder that it wasn't her. She always just barged in whenever she felt like it. Buffy was probably the one who made the door creek in the first place.

Spike opened the door and found Willow standing on the other side. She looked tired and sad, yet holding it together he noted.

"Spike?" Willow's voice seemed too loud tonight. Her voice filtered through his head quickly. Somewhere in the back of his mind lingered a vision of Buffy on the other side of the heavy door. Time to get over that, she's not coming back he scolded himself mentally.

"I'm busy." He stated, leaning casually against the door. Willow shrugged. " I just wanted to see how you're doing." She ruffled inside her coat for a moment and produced a few packets of blood. Handing them over she smiled sheepishly. "I thought you might be hungry. It---It's the real stuff." Her voice lowered. She was a bit ashamed of giving him human blood. The gang had become concered with his absence. So they thought maybe this one time was OK.

"Thanks. I'm not hungry, I'll eat it later?"

"Oh sure. Whatever I mean we just wanted to help."

He raised an eyebrow. "We? You got a mouse in that sodding pocket Red?"

"Well Spike it's just that you have been ignoring us and we were worried about how---" Seemingly out of nowhere his temper flared, taking the Wicca a few steps back.

"You don't have to play prancing words around me you know. You're talking about how I've been taking Buffy's death?" Spike's eye's fell on the witch's stunned look. Suddenly it did not matter to him. "Well not too damn well! I can't eat and I can't sleep. She's still all I bloody think about. I can't---" His words became more broken as he continued.

~~ I continue to build the wall.... You were so strong I fell to my knees ~~

"I can't Willow, I can't--- live without her, I don't want to live without her, whether she loved me or not---" The only thing that gave away his emotion was the stream of tears on his cheek.

Willow put an arm around his shoulder and led him inside to the couch; where they sat together. "Spike we all miss her. I know it's hard. Buffy would want us to get on with our lives Spike. Even yours." He looked up at her through blurry eyes.

"How?" He pleaded, his voice desperate and shakey. Willow drew Spike closer to her. Now they took comfort in each other's presence. Sobs racking his body, until they shook Willow's body as well. Emotions that had been pent up inside the witch came pouring out, so she cried. They sat that way for a few minutes until the pain subsided.

"I'm sorry I got your shirt all wet." Spike told her quietly. "That's Ok. It's better than demon guts. It's defiantly better than demon slime. I had that one time all over this really nice new outfit I had picked out for a dance." She laughed halfheartedly at the memory. "And I remember Buffy telling me she washed her hair 4 times to get it out of hers."

Spike smiled, remembering the times he was close enough to smell..."Vanilla. She used vanilla shampoo. Made me crazy just thinking about that word. Reminds me of her." Spike looked longingly at the door. She's not coming through the door mate. Quit looking at it.

~~~ and I don't think I can handle this at all ~~~

Willow nodded and gathered up her coat. "I know. Listen, were all getting together tonight at the Bronze. You could stop by if you want to. Unless you don't want to cause you don't have to I mean you could---"

Spike titled his head to the side gave her his signature smile. "I think I can manage a night out with the gang. Let me catch a nap and I'll see you all there?" Willow happily nodded and hugged him again before she left his crypt.

Spike lay down then. Hoping to get a little rest for this get together Red talked him into. Maybe a night out was what I need, he reasoned with himself. As he slept, the dreams came to haunt him again. In his dreams he saw Buffy. Dressed in all white, looking angelic and peaceful.

Seemingly he was there with her. Looking on her. And she was looking back at him. Her voice was soft. And she spoke to him.

~~~ Well one more night I'd like to lie and hold you yes and feel....to make you smile I'd like to be there for you have you forgotten me? ~~~

Quickly he answered "No! I'd never forget you!"

Still her voice continued, soft and angelic. ~~~ Have you forgotten me? ~~~

A puff of smoke removed her from his site. He was left all alone in a room filled with billowy clouds. Alone. Like always.

Spike awoke panting, scared and in a terrible sweat. He cried out desperatly to no one. "I didn't forget you Buffy! I won't forget you!" Glancing around the crypt suddenly made reality return to his mind. "Another bloody dream!" Spike got up quickly and recorded the vision in a tiny green notebook. Then grabbing his duster he made his way to the Bronze. Maybe Willow could help.