Wesley Walter Bass
Wesley Walter Bass, or Wes as he likes to be called, is one of my brothers best friends. To say that he is eccentric is an understatement. Only Wes could dig a hole in his garden to insert a new washing line, and then lose the hole. He swears to this day that the hole healed itself. He is a life-long bachelor who enjoys living alone with his four cats. My brother, Steve asked me to write this one for Wes, but there are a couple of other poems in my collection that Wes himself asked me to write. They are about, yes you’ve guessed it, his beloved cats. One poem is about the four of them, and the second is about Boz, his strangest cat. Still, I guess if you chose being a tax man as your occupation, being eccentric and having cats as your best friends is compulsory. (Only joking, Wes.) Wes is lethal with anything breakable. When he dines with my brother and sister-in-law, they make him sit at a table by himself, cos he costs them too much if he’s allowed near anything sharp, or easily broken. For those of you not from England, West Ham are a football team, though only just!!! Wes is also a life long supporter of motor racing, though only from the comfort, and safety of his armchair. If you have an eccentric, or slightly crazy friend that you think should be immortalised in verse, why not have me write it for you.
Wesley Walter Bass,
This Is Your Life!
By Amanda Jay Clark.
This is the life
story,
Of Wesley Walter Bass.
A man of little standing,
And definitely no class.
A man who loves Cliff Richard,
Singing Mistletoe And Wine,
Will never be thought sophisticated,
Dignified, or refine.
And, as for Max Bygraves,
What the hell’s that all about?
A fan of such strange people,
He needs a damn good sorting out!
Perhaps it’s not too late,
For Trace to rescue you.
As a student teacher wanna-be,
She could teach you a thing, or two.
It’s never too late to learn,
Even though you’re fully grown.
I hear that on March the fifth,
You’ll be turning age unknown.
I’m told that The Flagship Brewery,
Is the place where your party will be.
When you write out your invitations,
Don’t forget to send one to me.
I was horrified to learn,
That you support West Ham!
I like my sportsmen talented,
That’s the kind of girl I am.
Both you, and Alf Garnet,
Must be crazy in the head.
Rather than supporting The Hammers,
You should sympathise with them instead.
At least motor racing’s exciting,
Even if you don’t take part,
Because you don’t have the bottle,
The Valiancy, or the heart.
Nerve is not all that you’ve lost.
There’s something else that can’t be found.
It’s a place to put your washing line,
Because you’ve lost the whole in the ground.
No wonder when Steve does a barbecue,
You’re sat at the kids table, alone,
You can’t be let near sharp cutlery,
So you’ve a plastic set all of your own.
Jen wont let you near her china,
Since the saga with the tea pot lid.
She says that you’re lethal with gravy boats,
And they each cost her several quid.
Why didn’t you give her a nice cup,
With her sugar bowl, and milk jug?
I can only guess, she didn’t need one,
With a friend who is such a big mug.
I’m not surprised that you’re single,
Your height is well below par.
Your brown hair, long and lanky,
Is much taller than you are.
And with your specs as thick as a tankard,
You must be as blind as a bat.
It comes as a surprise to no one,
That your only true friend is a cat.
I’ve been cruel in parts of this story.
I’ll explain why, if I can.
The world would love you if only,
You’d stop being a bloody tax man!
Wesley Walter Bass is protected by copyright, and remains the property of the author, Amanda Jay Clark.