The Entire
History Of The World,
Or, The Jack Riches Story
Jack Riches is my brothers father-in-law. Jenny’s Dad. Since we lost our own parents at a young age, Jack and his late wife Gladys, have always been very good to us, so it was a pleasure to write this for him for his eightieth birthday. Jack was a naval hero during world war two, and a hero to the rest of us, ever since. We all love our Jack. He is also a member of The Out Of Order Corner, and his nickname, not surprisingly, is Popeye. This suits him, not only because of his naval connection, but also because he smokes a pipe. Unfortunately, there was no one left alive who can remember Jack as a young man, so my research for this, is to say the least, a bit dodgy! I had to exaggerate certain parts of his history, and therefore, although this poem comes from my heart, I may just be a tad out on my history! (You think? Read on, and all will become clear.) What you don’t know, make up said Jenny. So, with poetic licence, I did just that. If you have a hero of your own that you would like to immortalise in verse, why not have me write it for you.
The Entire History Of
The World,
Or, The Jack Riches Story.
By Amanda Jay Clark.
This is the life story
of Jack Riches,
Who becomes an octogenarian today.
Born in the year nineteen-twenty,
On the nineteenth of merry old May.
These days, we all know Jack’s living,
A contented life here in Kent.
But life hasn’t always been peaceful,
For this much loved, distinguished gent.
Let’s go travelling way back through history.
To before Jenny, Stephanie, and Steve.
And visit Jack as a baby,
When his neighbours were Adam, and Eve.
When the fashion being worn, was fig leaves.
Pampers hadn’t been invented yet.
There were no puppy dogs, or kittens,
So he had a T-Rex for a pet.
Since there were no baths, or showers,
It was down for a wash at the creek.
Then, home for a breakfast of dinosaur eggs,
That his mother had boiled for a week.
There was no gas, or electricity,
So to warm regions upper, and nether,
An open fire would heat the cave,
After rubbing two sticks together.
On the back of a Sabre-toothed tiger,
That was the transport of the day,
Jack’s father would gallop off to work,
To earn his daily pay.
He watched his mother do cave-work,
From his playpen made out of old bone,
And since he had no toys to play with,
He made do with a stick, and a stone.
There was no radio, TV, or video,
For their amusement, pleasure, or delight.
And so, for family entertainment,
They watched the dodo take flight.
There were no telephones, computers, or post office,
So to get a message from here, to there,
They would gaze way up to the heavens,
And read smoke signals swirling through the air.
There were no drugs, or booze for consuming.
Decadence had yet to commence.
Tobacco was yet to be discovered.
LSD meant Pounds, Shilling, and Pence.
There were no night-clubs for dancing, or romance.
No ladies taking payment in kind.
No horse racing, boxing, or football,
And poor Jack was bored out of his mind.
In his teens, Jack helped his friend, Noah,
To craft and build the Ark.
Then, they grabbed the animals two, by two,
And helped them to embark.
As Noah sailed away saving the world,
Jack thought, that’s a brave thing to do.
And so he didn’t miss his friend too much, said,
"I think I’ll be a sailor, too."
Looking the hunk in his uniform,
He was prepared for battle, and war.
He faced his enemies unafraid,
As he gave the bad guys what for.
Along with his trusty mascot,
A sweet natured, cute little chimp,
And the rest of The Royal Navy,
He made the toughest man look like a whimp.
Every good story needs villains,
And this one is no exception.
All rogues who came face to face with Jack,
Were met with a stern reception.
The likes of Adolf Hitler,
Genghis Khan, and Attilla The Hun,
Soon found out the hard way,
Crossing Jack was not much fun.
He soon had them running for cover,
Hiding in cowardly fright,
Ruing the day that they crossed him,
Forcing him to fight.
When all conflicts were finally over,
And peace once more filled the land,
Jack turned from fighting, to loving.
With Gladys he walked hand in hand.
From the instant they set eyes on each other,
They were each others number one fan.
While Gladys looked just like an angel,
Jack looked like Popeye, the sailor man.
Trading the ocean waves and his uniform,
For a cardigan, pipe, and slippers,
Glad settled him down to married life,
And they raised themselves some nippers.
Before very long, Mick was born.
Secondly, in time, Cyril came.
Two sons for their wonderful family,
Who would carry on the Riches name.
For things to be even more perfect,
They wanted a daughter to spoil.
So thirdly, they all welcomed, Jenny,
Who looks suspiciously like Olive Oyl.
Popeye’s family continued to grow,
In numbers, as well as in size.
Before he had time to turn around,
There were grandchildren before his eyes.
The grandchildren grew just as quickly,
And great-grandchildren began to mount.
Now, the family who love our sailor man,
Are too numerous to count.
Jack has every reason to be proud,
when he thinks of the life he has had.
And although he’s known pain and heartache,
Most of it’s not been that bad.
All the friends he’s made through the years,
Agree without any doubt,
Their lives are richer for having him in it,
Than it could possibly be without.
Absent friends who couldn’t be here tonight,
Still wanted the opportunity to say,
Happy eightieth birthday, Jack,
We hope you enjoy your special day.
Adam, and Eve said to tell you,
That they would love to have been here tonight,
But they daren’t leave Cain, and Abel,
Cos the bad little buggers still fight.
Adolf Hitler would like to have been here,
But the message he sent me to tell,
Was, thanks to you, and all other war heroes,
He’s too busy burning in hell.
Captain Bligh also sends his apologies,
That he couldn’t be with his special friend,
But things have got tough since you left his ship,
And he has a mutiny to end.
Likewise, regrets from Sinbad,
Who misses you in the armed forces,
Cos your sailing missions were much more successful,
Than uncle Albert’s from Fools And Horses.
Captain Ahab will drink to your health,
And although he’s now over the hill,
Says he can’t retire the way you have,
Cos he still has a whale to kill.
Greetings from Long John Silver,
From under the Jolly Roger Flag.
He’s having way too much fun to join you,
He has ill-gotten booty to bag.
The parrot would have loved to attend,
But his master’s so miserably glum.
Still, he sends you this heartfelt toast,
"Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum."
Donald Duck is utterly devastated,
Cos he thought that you loved him the most.
But despite cleaning and pressing his sailor suit,
His invitation got lost in the post.
He remembers all your sailing’s together,
And the discoveries that brought such a thrill.
Like, not all the rum’s in Jamaica,
And, all the nuts aren’t in Brazil!
The stripper arrived a few moments ago.
She’s a gift from your old friend, Noah.
And although she’s ninety-six years old,
He says she’s still a bit of a goer.
Her hips and knees may be plastic,
And her dentures may be less than white,
She has a glass eye, and a hearing aid,
But she can still swing away through the night.
Now Jack, don’t get too excited.
Calm down, whatever you do.
We won’t hesitate to have you arrested,
If you start taking your clothes off, too.
Oh, I don’t know though, go on, get stripping.
Show us all, you can put on a show.
Don’t be shy, you’re not over the hill yet,
There’s no doubt you can still go with the flow.
That’s the end of the greetings from absent friends.
Now it’s time for the friends who are here.
The ones who’ve put on their party frocks,
And are full of birthday cheer.
We’re here to say, "We love you, Jack.
You put us in a celebratery mood.
We’re here for the fun, and the ambience,
But above all, for all the free food."
We all think that you’re amazing,
And can’t imagine all the things that you’ve seen.
All the changes you’ve witnessed over the years,
And the wonderful places you’ve been.
All the things that have been invented,
Since your birth all those decades before.
Like, diseases from playing naughty, rude games,
Then . . . Penicillin for the cure!
You’ve seen the invention of bicycles,
The motor car, and the train,
Of roller skates, and sailing ships,
The submarine, and the plane.
You saw the extinction of dinosaurs,
And were around before man even begun.
You witnessed the birth of all nations,
Of oxygen, the sea, and the sun.
So, for the man who’s seen, and done it all,
Let’s raise our glasses in the air.
Drink a toast that all his dreams come true,
And he lives without a care.
When it comes to refilling your glasses,
Don’t spend a single penny.
Cos on this very special night of nights,
The drinks are all on Jenny.
The Jack Riches Story, is protected by copyright, and remains the property of the author, Amanda Jay Clark.