The Illusion of Experience

 

 

Harry could feel the warmth of another body, only inches away from him.  In a muggy haze, he pressed closer to let the heat, letting it spread through him—his chest, his legs…his groin.  The memory of lying on top of Tonks as he had sex with her came to mind, and he began to grind his hips forwards.  Draping an arm around her, the image shifted.  The chest was flat, the build more masculine—the identity of his lover changed to Remus Lupin. 

 

Splaying his fingers across the thin material that prevented Harry from touching bare skin, he pushed his hips more firmly, and Remus pressed back against him with a groan.  Harry nudged his head forwards to nuzzle along the base of Remus’s hairline and let his hand drift lower to run in lazy circles over the man’s stomach.

 

“Mmm…Remus…”

 

“Harry…Harry…”

 

Other than his name, Remus had said other words, but Harry could not make them out.  The voice had sounded distant, unclear, as though it had spoken from the end of a long tunnel.  Then Harry felt the upper half of Remus’s body shift, and he clutched tighter, still continuing to rub himself against the man.  He could now make out the bleary outline of Remus’s face, and he leaned towards it, to press their lips together.  At the same time, Harry moved his hand further downwards to grasp at Remus’s erection, causing Remus to gasp around his mouth.  

 

It was then that Harry woke up, the image suddenly becoming very real.  In a state of stunned awareness, Harry realised that he had been dreaming again.  Only this time, Harry had inadvertently involved the subject of his dreams.

 

They stared at each other, mouths hanging open in shock, and Harry expected Remus to push him away.  But the rejection didn’t come; Remus, too, seemed to be paralysed by Harry’s actions.  Time passed, and Harry felt Remus’s cock twitch against the palm of his hand…and again—it seemed that Remus had also been turned on by Harry’s dream. 

 

Spurred on by this knowledge and keen to take the opportunity to become this intimate with Remus, Harry leant forwards to press his lips to Remus’s once more.  Since yesterday afternoon, Harry had been thinking about what it would be like to kiss Remus without the Polyjuice, and hoped he could now find out.  He anticipated that his move would trigger Remus into awareness—for Remus to reject him.  Instead, a spark of electricity ran throughout his body as he felt Remus begin to kiss back tentatively.

 

The kiss heated up, as it had done the day before—Remus effortlessly toying with his lips and tongue.  Only this time, Harry could feel the soft bristles of Remus’s moustache running across his upper lip, and this turned Harry on even more.  Again, Harry grasped at Remus’s erection and began to thrust up against him.  Remus groaned and pushed his hips backwards. 

 

They remained in the same position for what seemed like ages to Harry, with him grinding up against Remus and them both enthusiastically kissing.  But apart from encouraging moans when Harry stroked Remus through his pyjamas and Remus bringing back one arm to ruffle Harry’s hair with his fingers, Remus made no move to push the situation further.  Harry began to feel frustrated; he wanted more.  But of what exactly, he couldn’t say.  He had been hoping for Remus to take the lead, but that wasn’t happening.  A flashback to his night with Tonks came to him—of having sex with her—, and at that moment, Harry wanted nothing more than to bury himself inside Remus. 

 

His lips faltered as he realised this, suddenly feeling quite scared of the situation he was in.  He was in bed with a grown man, with whom he had the urge to have anal sex—something he had never even considered before now.  He didn’t have a clue how to go about it.  He briefly thought about telling Remus that he hadn’t been with a man before.  But he changed his mind, worrying that this could make Remus feel awkward and prompt him to stop what they were doing, even though Harry had had some experience with Tonks.  Harry could only assume that if he made a fumbled attempt to push things further, Remus would know how inexperienced Harry was, and he would probably run a mile.  But what if Remus was waiting for Harry to have sex with him?

 

Scared of the possibility of Remus asking him to do exactly what he desired the most at that moment, Harry broke the contact between their bodies and pulled Remus round to face him.  His hands clutched at Remus’s clothing, and Remus desperately stripped him of his own.  They were soon naked and pressed up against each other, erections grinding together.  But it still wasn’t enough. 

 

He couldn’t think properly, and to his hormonally-driven brain, there only seemed one way to get the situation to progress any further without revealing his inexperience.

 

“I want you inside me,” Harry pleaded around the frantic connection between their mouths, trying to sound as if he knew what he was asking for.  The request wasn’t exactly a lie; Harry was curious, but the thought of it also made Harry incredibly nervous.  He hoped that it would at least push Remus into taking control.  

 

At his request, he felt Remus shudder.  Then hands were running down his back, lower, and lower still.  He wrapped a leg around Remus, and then fingers were brushing against him in a spot that he had never imagined being touched before now.  He moaned to cover up the surprise he felt at the alien sensation.  And then Remus pulled away. 

 

Harry blanched, panicking that Remus had somehow guessed that he had never done this before.  But to his relief, Remus was only leaning over the edge of the bed to retrieve the jar of emollient that Giles had provided earlier. 

 

“This should do the trick,” Remus murmured as he unscrewed the jar and dipped a finger into its contents.

 

The sight of Remus doing this sent a sudden wave of nausea through Harry.  He didn’t want to watch what Remus was doing; he didn’t need any more anticipation than he was already feeling.  So Harry hastily moved to his hands and knees, assuming that this would be the only viable position for what they intended to do, and he waited. 

 

A hand rested against his hip, and Harry held his breath.  A moment later, a finger—now moist and cold—touched him there and began to move in light circles, sending a tingle up his spine.  He gasped and instinctively pushed backwards.  Then Harry was forcing himself to relax at the unpleasant intrusion to his body.  Slowly, the finger began to slide inwards, until Harry could feel the rest of Remus’s hand up against him.  Remus then started to move it back out and then inwards once more.  Harry was soon rocking himself against it, in case his rigid posture gave anything away. 

 

“Oh!” Harry gasped as Remus unexpectedly curled his finger inside, causing a shock of pleasure to shoot through Harry’s body.  “Again…do that again,” he demanded and Remus chuckled softly. 

 

But Remus did not comply.  Instead, he pushed a second finger in to join the first.  Just when Harry had become used to what was happening—just when he was beginning to enjoy this new activity—the situation had moved on, and he was back to feeling awkward and unsure.  Harry felt himself being stretched as the fingers scissored inside him.  It was slightly painful, and Harry wanted to call out to Remus to tell him to stop—to go back to using just the one.  Then, a moment later, both fingers were gone.

 

The bed shifted as Remus moved to kneel between Harry’s legs, and Harry screwed his eyes shut as something larger began to press against him.  Yet again, Harry willed his body to relax.  He felt the tip of Remus’s erection breach him, and it burned.  His own hardness instantly died away, and he couldn’t stop himself from calling out.

 

“Ahhh!” 

 

Remus halted abruptly, and Harry hastily added, “Please…don’t stop,” hoping that Remus would believe he had cried out in pleasure and not because it felt like he was being torn apart. 

 

Just don’t try to touch me, Harry thought, or you’ll know…

 

Remus eased further in.  His hands began to shake slightly where they rested upon Harry’s hips.  Harry could tell that Remus was holding himself back and moving as slowly as possible.  Just when he was wondering if he could physically take anymore of Remus inside him, Remus finally stilled.

 

“Tell me when to move, Harry,” Remus said hoarsely.  “Let me know when you’re ready.”

 

Harry drew a deep breath.  It was too much—he felt so full.  The idea of Remus actually moving inside him the same way he had feverishly thrusted inside Tonks appalled him.  Surely something would split.  What if he bled? But as the seconds passed, it became less of an effort to relax around Remus.  He nodded his head and let out a muffled, “I’m ready.”  He only hoped Remus would go gently.

 

The hands around his hips tightened, and Remus began to rock slowly in and out.  Harry felt relief wash through him at the steady, unimposing rhythm, and he pushed backwards in time to Remus’s movement.  Even when the pace started to increase, Harry did not feel the anticipated pain.  His skin still burned where it was pulled tight around Remus, but it was a duller sensation now.  Then an unexpected wave of pleasure shot through Harry’s body as Remus changed the angle.  It was the same feeling that Harry had felt before, from Remus’s finger.  It came again and again, each time Remus moved inwards.

 

“Yes,” Harry moaned.  “More…please.” 

 

“Shit… Harry, I can’t hold back much longer.”

 

“Then don’t.”  Harry didn’t want Remus to wait for him.  The earlier shock to Harry’s system had taken its toll.  Although Harry was hard again, he wasn’t ready to come just yet. 

 

Remus began to jerk against him, driving harder, and the burning sensation increased once more.  And then Harry could hear Remus crying out as he came with one last thrust.  Breathing heavily, Remus remained inside Harry for a few moments longer, clutching hard at his hips. 

 

As he withdrew, Harry felt a few drops of sweat fall onto his back.  Remus then lay back on the bed next to Harry, reaching out his hands to pull Harry close.  

 

He kissed Harry lazily, and Harry groaned as Remus’s fingers wound themselves around his erection.  Remus’s lips moved to Harry’s neck, and then further down his body.  The whole time, Harry could feel the tickle of hair from Remus’s upper lip.  Now it was running along the inside of his thigh as Remus sensuously licked the sweat from his skin.  Before Harry could anticipate it, Remus’s mouth was sucking on him, and once more a finger was pressing against him.  This time there was no resistance.  Harry’s body arched upwards, as shocks of pleasure came from two places at once.  He was so close to coming.  The hand was wrapped around him again, squeezing and pulling.  Remus’s lips had moved lower, tongue circling his balls.  Then lower still—the sensation of soft bristles against his perineum finally sending him over the edge. 

 

Remus moved away to lean over the bed and retrieve his wand.  He muttered a cleaning spell, and then pulled Harry flush against him.  They kissed, basking in the afterglow before Harry let his head fall heavily against the warm chest.  Before today, Remus had appeared in a couple of dreams, but Harry had never considered they would ever get physical.  It had only ever been a nice fantasy to occasionally have a wank over.  But here he was, in bed with Remus, skin to skin, and the reality was so much better. 

 

Despite the pain, despite having to cover up his own lack of experience, Harry had enjoyed it.  He could do it again.  He would like to do it again—all of it.  He felt certain that the surprise and discomfort wouldn’t be the same next time.  And now, he also knew how to reverse the situation—to take what he had originally wanted. 

 

Sex with Remus had been such a different experience from his one night with Tonks; Harry had certainly appreciated the shape of Remus’s body much more.  He briefly wondered if that meant he was gay, but he realised he didn’t care.  The only thing he was interested in was getting this close to Remus in the future.  Smiling, he wrapped his arms tightly around Remus and relaxed into their shared embrace. 

 

It wasn’t long before they both drifted back into a restful sleep.

 

~~~