| Quotes are great. Quotes are fun. Whenever I hear or read a cool quote, I write it down. I've collected a large quantity of them over the years. So here are a bunch of my favorites: |
| Quotes |
| In Concert - You go to a show to hear the music, but sometimes you get to hear some priceless quotes! This is starting to look like a Toby Keith concert - Tim McGraw after singing "My Old Friend" with military pictures on the big screens This ain�t no Dixie Chicks Song. It�s a Freakin� Ranch song! - Keith Urban introducing "Some Days You Gotta Dance" She didn�t ask me if I wanted any popcorn. � Sara Evans about singing �No Place That Far� with the popcorn girl walking by the stage I'm not a size 2 with an add-on rack. - Terri Clark about being asked to pose for Playboy On TV - TV is a great place to find quotes. Just watch sometime! Congratulations universe. You win. - Jim on The Office Presents are the best way to show someone you care. - Michael on The Office Happy Birthday Jesus. Sorry your party is so lame. - Michael on The Office Don't be fooled by the phrase "dust bunny". They are vicious little bitches. - Dwight on The Office I don't know what a half bath is. I think you gotta pee in the sink. - Jack on Will & Grace Turk lets me call him brown bear. - JD on Scrubs Turk: Smurftastic. JD: That's how I smurf baby. on Scrubs When it came out yellow I was like 'what?!' � Joey on his flavorful gumball on Joey What a pretty dress you�re wearing windows. � Oprah talking about window coverings I know he'd like an all monkey manager scene with a squirrel baby Jesus � Alex on Joey There�s either a light bulb up his butt or his colon has a good idea. � Dr. Cox on Scrubs Of course you�ll beat her. She�s getting half of her brain removed. � Dr. guy to JD about JD beating her in scrabble on Scrubs Ah, necklace. - Joey putting on a stethoscope remembering his days on Days of Our Lives on Joey I�m not a woman, I�m a man. � Ozzy Osbourne on The Osbournes Joey doesn't like to share his food!!! - Joey (Matt LeBlanc) on Friends on sharing his food with his date and Emma When the package is this pretty, no one cares what�s inside. - Joey on Friends Friends, Family, Dog�The coldness has now spread to my special place. - Joey marrying Phoebe & Mike on Friends JD: Remember when Kelso gave you a cupcake for going 4 days without killing a patient? Other guy: That was awesome! - Scrubs Do chickens wish they could fly? - JD on Scrubs That reminds me of my first girlfriend. She was a carnie. - JD when someone mentions the bar smelling like vomit and peanuts on Scrubs Turk: You�re drawing lightning bolts on your Nikes. JD: I�ll get to my patients faster. - Turk & JD talking on Scrubs I don't like candy bracelets. I love them (said in head). - JD talking to Kelso and in his head on Scrubs Some guy: What kind of gun is that. Bosco: Loaded. - from Third Watch You're using your paper not for writing but for rollin' doobies! - Matt Foley (Chris Farley) on SNL Well loddy-freakin'-dah! - Matt on a kid wanting to be a writer on SNL I'm 35 years old and I live in a van down by the river! - Matt to the kids on SNL You don�t look like George Strait. You look more like George Gay. - Carson on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy I brought it, sat it down on the table and opened it bi$5#! - Cartman on South Park arguing with Kyle If a guy comes back from the dead, I�d rather have him try to eat my brain then to tell me to go to church every week. � guy on Best Week Ever on VH1 for March 21-26 In Movies - Movies can make you laugh, cry or scare the crap out of you. They also make up for half of my vocabulary! LOL What a dumb fuck. You�re a dumb fuck. - Natalie Maines (Dixie Chicks) talking about President Bush (then to him) in Shut Up and Sing Tina, you fat lard, come get some DINNER!... Tina, eat. Food. Eat the FOOD! - Napoleon going to feed Tin in Napoleon Dynamite I wish you'd get out of my life and shut up! - Napoleon yelling at Uncle Rico in Napoleon Dynamite But my lips hurt real bad! - Napoleon talking to Kip on the phone in Napoleon Dynamite Napoleon, give me some of your tots. - Nathan asking Napoleon for tater tots in Napoleon Dynamite Yessssssssss. - Napoleon guessing the milk right at the FFA competion in Napoleon Dynamite Heck yes! I'd vote for you. - Napoleon to Pedro in Napoleon Dynamite Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. - Kip in Napoleon Dynamite Whatever I feel like I wanna do, gosh! - Napoleon talking to a kid on the bus in Napoleon Dynamite Stop looking at me swan! - Billy (Adam Sandlar) in Billy Madison It's the coolest! - Billy on it being cool to pee your pants in Billy Madison It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin' around. I gotta send you back to the South Pole! - Billy talking to the penguin in Billy Madison That's quacktastic! - Billy as the blue duck on passing the 1st grade in Billy Madison The price is wrong Bi&%#! - Happy (Adam Sandlar) to Bob Barker in Happy Gilmore They're all out. Only got diesel. - Tommy (Chris Farley) to Richard (David Spade) about no gas in Tommy Boy The point is, how do you know the Guarantee Fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? - Tommy trying to sell brake pads in Tommy Boy Richard hold me! - Tommy to Richard after they sold all their brake pads in Tommy Boy Holy Schnikies! - Tommy in Tommy Boy Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug! - Tommy to his new stop brother, Paul in Tommy Boy I've seen some crazy stuff in my time, but that... was... AWESOME! - Tommy on the deer destroying Richard's car in Tommy Boy Are you talking? - Richard to Tommy on him trailing off while talking in Tommy Boy Your dad could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves. - Richard on Tommy's dad in Tommy Boy Have you seen my baseball? - Warren in There's Something About Mary Are you a pothead, Focker? - Jack to Greg in Meet the Parents I'm gonna go upstairs and pay a visit to the shower fairy. - Greg to Pam's family in Meet the Parents What are you gonna get arrested for? Being awesome? - Beanie in Old School No. That's a piece of crap. We stopped selling that six months ago. Nice gesture, though. - Beanie at Speaker City in Old School I want a fraggle-stick car - Kid in Bad Santa Let me fix you some sandwiches... - Grandma in Bad Santa By Singers - They're suppose to be singing, but they do interviews and make some great quotes! Better to be one then show one all over national television! - Jay DeMarcus (Rascal Flatts) to Joe Don after he said Jay was being an ass It's the United States of Flatt! - Jay (RF) on Joe Don's artwork on CMT's Ultimate Country Home It really doesn't matter. If it comes from inside of you, it's always right. - Jay (RF) on CMT's Ultimate Country Home It's ass-kickin' country music! - Ira Dean on Trick Pony's brand of country music You're just naturally cool. - Alan Jackson presenting an award to George Strait I just put out the kind of music that I like and try to write stuff that I think the fans will enjoy. - Alan Jackson on why he's so popular In School - You're suppose to be learning about things that will help you live in the world - but sometimes you get funny quotes! Beverly Hillbillies was better. - Biology professor saying it was better than the teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles It�s like swimming in your own piss. - Biology professor on Fermentation to make alcohol Just stomp on it. Plants don�t have much for rights. - Biology professor on killing plants 30 years until their next Super Bowl. What's in-between? A whole lot of suckin'! - Astronomy professor on the Packers Someone must die for this. Of course, it won't be the right people - Astronomy professor trying to erase the crappy marker board Just because I'm a wimp. - Astronomy professor Guys want to impress their special friend. - Astronomy professor There were people crying. - Astronomy professor talking about a beer truck hitting a bridge when he was in college Venus lander lasted 2 minutes before it was crushed and boiled to death. - Astronomy professor Totally ingnorable. And we will - Astronomy professor Mars would be a great place to get a tan. - Astronomy professor Planets fart and that's what we're breathing. - Astronomy professor We can control the dumb ones. - Astronomy professor on how cows became dumb animals I'm going to puzzle building. - Geolgoy professor on drawing stuff about minerals You are an old star. - Geology professor on everything being made from stars I'm gonna keep going because I enjoy it. Drawing on the board is something I've always liked to do. - Geology professor drawing on the board They're like ghetto bonds. - Geology professor on metallic bonds It's like a constipated volcano. - Geology professor on polymerization Other - Found online or just in life Friendship is like peeing your pants: Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its true warmth. |