Spoilers: Issues 13-14
Sometimes I feel like I want to die, like life isn't worth living anymore, and then I wonder if I could die, if I am still living. I don't have breath, nor a heartbeat, I don't eat. But I feel this pain every day, the pain that consumes me and it hurts more than any psionic energy could.
Pain perhaps, because I know that I am still living and I can't do anything about it. Pain because of what I did to Gayle? I don't know. Maybe this pain is because I'm so wrapped up in my own trauma to notice everyone else.
When Emplate fed on Jubilee and her powers overwhelmed him, I was so shocked, so amazed that Jubilee, the youngest of us, had so much power. Was that her fault, not showing that power? Or was it my own fault in while I thought I was sufficiently "social", I didn't really care to learn these things about my own team-mates?
I can say right now that I honestly, and truly, don't know. Somebody, and I don't know who, said that everything turns out okay in the end, and if its not okay, its not the end. If this is true, and maybe it is, then my journey through life must only be beginning. Maybe its not though, and maybe nothing will be okay.
Or maybe I need to sit back and stop worrying about what's going to happen to me. Maybe I'm not the most important person in the universe.
I didn't know the extent of Jubilee's powers. I don't know what Paige's favourite book is, or what Angelo watches on TV when he thinks everyone's asleep. I don't know Monet's favourite colour or what music Everett listens to.
But I think the worst revelation of all is that selfish as I am now, it's nothing compared to before. Nothing compared to how I treated my family, Gayle, my friends. I don't even think I pretended to take an interest in their lives. I know my sister played violin because I remember thinking how annoying the screeches and squawks were and how it kept me from writing my music.
Maybe what happened to me did some good, maybe not. I guess I just have to wait this out to the end and see if its okay, right?