Love

by: Jackie Chiang

Disclaimer: This is a Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon fanfic. Sailormoon

is a manga created by Takeuchi Naoko; Sailormoon is also an anime

based off of the manga which is owned by Toei. Other companies

that have rights and could sue my pants off are Kodansha and Bandai.

Fortunately I do not have to worry about DIC since this isn't a NASM

fic. I take no credit for inventing the characters, but this fic is (C) by

me, and I'm not trying to make money off of this.

---

Thought of the Day: Isn't Kimura Sanae hot in her Uranus fuku? Or is

it just me... She looks really good in the guy's Juuban uniform too...

Oh! She and Michiru-san in the Stars live action musicals are too

cute for words...

---

It's so cold... Where am I...? I'm cold. I'm shivering. Cold... Ice all

around me. I can't see it, I can only feel it, sense it, surrounding me,

wrapping around me, choking me, invading me, violating me, my body,

my mind, my heart, my soul. I scream but am suddenly cut off as the

ice makes its way into my throat, my voice dying. And then I die.

She's watching me. She's worried. I can see it in her eyes. She tries

to hide it. She's never been good at that. I've only excelled at being

blind.

It's almost funny, in an amusing sort of pointless way. This. Everything.

My life. Her. Me. Everything. Almost funny. Our lives turning out

this way. I don't understand it but I don't think I was meant to. She

doesn't either.

She holds my hand tightly. It's warm. She is. This source of light and

fire, holding my icy hand in her own.

Acceptance. That's step number five, isn't it? Five or four or six or

something. I can never remember. I don't care much for psychology.

Never analyze when you can be living. Though I am no longer 'living'...

My life. Her life. We've been together forever and longer. I don't know

when our souls first met- perhaps they were always together. Possibly.

Created together, living together, always intertwined. Or not. Yet I

can't imagine life without her. Or death for that matter. Death without

her- lonely. I'll be lonely again, won't I...

I don't want to be lonely... I want to be with her.

Life threatening disease. That's how it'll say in the newspapers. Famous

F1 driver dies from some stupid measly microscopic organism that's rapidly

multiplied inside her body. Tiny things you can't see but exist. No cure.

I wonder how doctors tell people that. No cure- no hope. You're as good

as dead now because soon you will be. A couple of months more, that's all.

You are here, but after that, you're not.

As good as dead.

The last time we made love was several weeks ago. Before the pain

started. Before I could scarcely walk without collapsing. Before, when

I could pretend I was still normal and everything was fine. Self-delusion

is a defense mechanism. It's how some people survive.

Early temptations. Her. Sex, love. Kissing her mindlessly, hands

wandering over her, caressing, touching, loving, hearing her sighs

and whispers and soft giggles. Knowing this was love and the present

was all that mattered and you never wanted to think about anything

else but this, giving yourself, receiving her back, exchanging love,

adoration, undying devotion.

Scene changes.

Holding hands. Kissing gently. Playfully teasing. Soft whispers, soft

laughs. Everything. Love. Our love...

Love gentle sweet soft quiet love calm soothing wonderfully calm God I love

her how could I not rolling on the grass cool green grass hearing her

shrieks of laughter her giggles her smile's so bright oh God why is this

happening.

Nothing's the same.

You understand, of course, he says.

No. I don't.

Tosses me a sad look- a pity look. I hate the look, him, myself. Don't

say it, don't say it, God, don't say it... The fool.

I'm afraid that you're-

Don't say it.

You understand.

A long time... Then: Yes. I do.

She did too. She never said it, but she did.

She leans towards me. Careful. Slow. Cautious. Doesn't want to

hurt me. Why bother. She can't stop this- no one can, not even

myself. The doctor left minutes ago, shook his head, left, spoke

to her, she stood there for minutes after he left, shocked, then

came in, smiling, trying to but it didn't work.

I want to kiss her...

She buries her face on my shoulder against my neck, but gently.

I try to hold her as best I can. She's crying. Tears dampen my

shirt. I brush my lips against the top of her head. She begins to

kiss my neck then. I stroke her hair.

"It'll be all right..."

It won't... Not now, not ever...

"I love you," she whispers. "I don't want to lose you... Not without

me... You remember... Don't leave me... off in your own dream

world...? Don't leave _me_..."

You think I want to...?

Wraps her arms around me tightly. I don't want her to let go. Not

now, not ever. To die like this... in her arms...

"Haruka... Haruka... I'm not leaving you... You know that...

I'll go with you..." Suddenly her voice is desperate, terrified,

and she whispers into my hair, "I'll go with you, Haruka, we'll

be together..." like it's some trip... it is, in a way, I guess...

No... I wonder if I say it aloud, but then it comes again, and

I hear it this time, and her face darkens, the light in her eyes

fades, and she's crying again and I try to tell her, she can't die,

it's not worth it, but she's arguing with me through her tears,

broken fragments and words and phrases and not making any

sense, and I want to be with her but not this way...

And I hope to God she listens, don't die, be happy here, I love

her, I love her so much it hurts when I look at her, into her

eyes, beautiful eyes with so much pain now, so much, what

can I do to make it go away, will it go away, to wipe the pain

from her eyes with my hands to see her smile please smile

for me for me smile for me lips made to smile she should be

happy always she deserves to be happy always always always

it's my fault she's so sad...

I love you I love you I love you promise me you won't die promise

me I'll wait for you you know I will always be there watching over

you the wind next to you the breeze to comfort you to play with

your hair your soft hair smells so sweet like rain and sea and

flowers to kiss your lips I love you I love you promise me...

Her voice whispers I promise I love you you know that I love you

so much why is this happening to us it's so unfair why us why us

and I can't answer her there is no answer why is there life why is

there death why is there war and violence and suffering and

everything do you still believe in fate we were meant to be together...

I love you... and she cries against me some more holding my hand,

never letting go, don't let go ever, please...

I feel faint now... It doesn't hurt... not really... I can scarcely breath...

But it's pleasant... Lying here, with her, she's asleep now,

against me... I can still see us now, together, like we've always

been... And I think I'll always see her smiling, loving me like this,

even when I'm gone... Because this is love, and you never really

fully understand love until you've lost it, or are about to, and what

good would it do to learn, then die, nothing gained except for a

split second separating life and death...?

I touch her face, brushing my lips across hers, smiling... And my

split second is gone...