Title: Writings of Xander Harris Author: Adam E-Mail: [email protected] Archiving: NummyTreats, S-A-G-R-X; Slashing the boys Disclaimer: Spike, Xander and everyone else belong to Joss Whedon. Warnings: Some strong bits. Rating: PG-15/R Series: 1/1 Pairing: S/X Summary: Really weird story� ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was my all-encompassing love for him that finally did it A love so strong and pure that everything else was dead in comparison. I hope you�re getting all these �funny� little descriptions. How my life with a Vampire could have been �pure� anything, or how everything else was dead in comparison, except my love, who, was himself dead. Confused yet? Well it is my journal you know. I�m not Willow after all. I�m Xander through and through. Until the end. Starting a journal at the end of my life? Not the smartest thing to do, but brains has never been �my-thing� I just wanted�wanted to leave something. Something that showed Xander Harris was here. Something to leave my mark. I don�t want to have just lived and died Xander-the donut boy. Spike. My Spike will live on and that�s all that matters. He�s my everything�soppy words for one of the Scooby gang but it�s the truth. We got together after a particularly ugly Demon had attacked us and I nearly died. Spike was strangely concerned about me, we talked a little. Yes! In my basement. From that moment forward our friendship grew. I know what you want now. You want me to say��It all started one night�� and go into all the sex, jokes and angst that was our relationship. I am not going to do that, but I can�t speak for Spike. If you know my Spike like I do you�ll know he won�t leave any details out. At least not when it comes to the sex. If I�ve confused you enough at this point and you�re about to stop reading, don�t! The dramatic words that began this journal is about to be continued. I�ve always believed that in life you live until you�ve accomplished something. Not everything, but something. Something you were meant to achieve. Unless of course you live on the Hell-mouth and get eaten, chewed up or sucked dry. Ignoring the everyday accidents, murders and suicides I think life will go on until you�ve done your thing. Of course it differs from person to person. Willow of course is one of the big achievers in life. Doing more than her fare share. Where as I am one of life�s great under achievers. I know, I know, but it�s true. I�m smiling right now. Thinking of Spike. It is a fact that very few people will know real love. And even fewer will be able to hold onto it, after finding it. The rare few who are able to do both will experience something beyond description. Of course you�ll fight. You�ll yell insults, cry, feel pain at your lovers �harsh-in the moment words, but then�at the end of the day the love you both share is still there. . Spike and I have this . . . had this? After we got together our lives were rich and full. Spike still tormented Buffy, picked on Willow, irritated Giles but things were different. Noticably different. I remember this one time... �Spike�come get your blood! It�s clotting and I�m trying to get dinner done!� I yelled, looking with a turning stomach towards the �Mr Sunshine� mug filled with blood. A grunt was the only response I got. //Typical// I thought. �Spike, if you don�t come in here now you can just kiss goodbye to you�re A� positive and say hello to rodent juice!� I yelled once more. Nearly every day I did this. You�d think I would�ve learnt. He hated anything besides human A�pos blood I discovered whilst our relationship was still in the fledgling stage. I spoiled him on it. He got this cute happy face after he�d had his mug of it. Then he got horny, then�well, like I said before Spike can fill you in! Sometimes I tried to pour chocolate drops in it for him. What did he do? He went all Vamp and told me I shouldn�t play with his food! HA! It�s okay to mix Weetabix with his blood, or Digestive biscuits, or Banana slices but try something a little more romantic and he gives me that �Be scared I�m a killer face� �WHATEVER!� Is all I can say to that. I know I should be scared, but after I�ve seen �said� face attempting to suck my brains through my cock it�s hard not to laugh. We got this puppy, a Labrador a few years back. Cooper we called him. He was a strange dog, in that he was the only animal I ever knew that didn�t react in some way to Spike�s demon. That�s why we picked him. I�ll never forget the day my Spike was on his hands and knees, Vamp face on, growling at Cooper. Cooper was growling back, but his tail was wagging. He never said anything but I could tell Spike was hurt when Cooper died. Of all the things in Sunnydale and he gets run over. I�m telling you all these useless bits of information as it�s my journal, and I want whoever�s reading this to see my Spike for more than a Vampire. For what he is. A sweet, loving man that has a heart bigger than any human I�ve known. We got the chip out of him. I remember the minutes around that time well. Seconds after Spike knew I was on my back, Spike claiming me. Infront of the whole gang no less. I thought I�d be embarrassed but I wasn�t. He was showing everyone how much he cared for me. You may be thinking; why the hell did he still drink out of bags after the chip came out? Well, it may sound soppy again but after drinking from me that first time he said he never wanted to drink from anyone else. He�d drink human blood still, but from bags. Anyway, I�ve just got off course with all this mush. I just want to tell you everything about our lives together but this is a journal, not a novel. Our sex was wild, rough, gentle and sweet. He surprised me, excited me, taught me how to please him and it was all so perfect. At least for a time. Yes, everyone knows that nothing this good can last forever. One day IT happened. I wished I could put a drum role here but you get what I mean. I was coming home alone one night; (not the smartest thing I know) and the time for my life to end had almost arrived. Just because I said you had to do everything in your life before you die. That does not mean you will die warm and cosy in your sleep. I was attacked, a group of Vampires that hated me for been with one of their kind and hated Spike for killing his own. I was the obvious weak link of the two and coming home alone was a pretty stupid thing to do, as I said. But I was walking quickly. I�d gone through these streets a thousand times before. If I�d only called Spike like he�d asked me too...maybe things would�ve been different. I didn�t though and that�s why what happened, happened. I didn�t get bitten...didn�t get torn limb from limb. The Vampires were just there to make sure I stayed out in the open a little while longer. A Co�vren Demon was in the midst of all of this. He, she�it whatever you wanna see it as pointed some weird green/yellow stick thing at me said some words only Giles could decipher and then I felt drained. Empty. The Demon and Vampires disappeared moments later. I walked...or more like crawled the rest of the way home. A feverish sweat was taking away the last reserves of energy that remained inside and then, when I finally got there. When I finally looked into my loves eye�s . . . I saw that the big life I had planned was been . . .had been taken from me. �Spike!� I groaned out, the pain inside me already unbearavle. My voice was scratchy and my eye�s bloodshot. He carried me to the bed. The questions he�d rushed at me when I entered now replaced with silence. Maybe acceptance? He kissed my forehead, my cheeks, and my lips...so cool against my burning skin. �I love you Spike!� I love you�those words can cause so much pain�so much hurt...so much passion...so much joy. I never thought I�d ever go into so much description of love, but it hits us all in different ways. I was still living the next day...Willow; Buffy and the rest of the gang had come over that night. All were running around trying to find anything...spell, prophecy. Even a demon that may be able to help. I think Buffy went to beat Willy up three or four times that night. After the second time or so I think it was outta frustration. Willow did a few spells, crying, as each one did nothing. Spike was with me in our bed. His cool body a relief to the heat. But much more than that. It was an anchor to this world. It was what held me there, it kept me alive. Spike was my reason for living, and once the cord between us was cut, my reason for dying. �Had your supper?� I remember asking him, looking into those icy depths I knew so well. Trying to gauge some of the humour that had always been there. Well, except for that night of course. I watched a single tear fall down his face at my words, and instantly regretted it. I think it was then that we both realised I wouldn�t be there anymore. I wouldn�t be there to yell at him to get his blood before it clotted. Wouldn�t be there to snuggle with him at night or have some fun in the mornings. I wouldn�t be there to...well you get the picture. We spent another night alone in �our� room. Kissing, snuggling. Forgetting for that short time my life would soon be at an end. We didn�t tell each other how much we loved each other. We didn�t need to. A look... a touch was enough. And so, two days later here I am. Alive and well, yes. I know what�s happening. What�s happening is what I would be thinking too. You�re all thinking...all that build up and still alive and well? The simple explanation to that...better write it quick, I�m getting sleepy. I�m feeling so light headed...the reason is... The End. Back to Adam's Fanfiction Back to Fanfiction Back to Shattered Mirrors |