He kissed him. He couldn�t believe it. He had actually come up with enough courage to kiss his long time crush. But why did it have to be another boy? Why couldn�t he like girls like all the other guys did? He was sure that after the kiss Kyle would have been disgusted with him and would have told everyone in the Hoboken lodging houses that he was attracted to other boys. He was lucky that it didn�t happen that way. Perhaps too lucky. Kyle just looked confused after he pulled away. Wondering what had just happened. And all Ashley could do was blush and apologize over and over again, fearing for his own safety. Fearing for his life. If Cray ever knew he would surely kill him.

It had been three days since that kiss and though Ashley was still concerned that Kyle would tell on him the other boy just kept insisting that it never happened and that he wouldn�t tell. He had made one mistake and since then he couldn�t get him mind off making the same one again. That face� those lips� he wanted to kiss him again. It was all he could think about. People say that when you kiss that one special person you see fireworks. There were no fireworks but there were stars. It had been so amazing even though it had only lasted less than a second.

Then here they were again. Sitting alone together in the lobby, just the two of them. Ashley couldn�t have been happier and Kyle couldn�t have looked more confused. This was it. He needed to kiss him again, even if this time Kyle did threaten to tell. This would get him over his crush. Taking a deep breath he looked over at him and bit his lip.

�Um� canikissyou?� He asked all at once.

He wondered if Kyle even understood what he had said. He watched the other boy, blinking slowly. Kyle looked away, thinking, getting his thoughts together before swallowing, moistening his throat so he�d be sure he could get the words out.

�Um�� he glanced around to make sure no one else was there. �I� uh, I�� he looked around again and nodded his head.

Ashley couldn�t help but smile. Hesitantly, he leaned over and kissed his lip softly, his body starting to shake with nerves. He felt Kyle kiss him back, there was not a feeling in the world that could describe how that felt. But just as soon as the kiss started it seemed to end. Ashley smiled and looked at Kyle, he was smiling back, but just slightly. His heart was racing, he could have died happy right there.

�We�d be dead if anyone saw that��

�No one did,� he glanced around, making sure there were no spying eyes around the room.

Ashley looked down, suddenly feeling bad. That wasn�t what Kyle wanted. He didn�t want to kiss him. He looked down at his hands, playing with his fingers. He waited for Kyle to say something else but when he didn�t he figured it was time to apologize. He shouldn�t of put Kyle on the spot like that in the first place.

�I�m sorry.�

�Why?�

�You�re� not� and I� asked�� it was hard to get out the words.

Kyle looked at him, then down. �Maybe you shouldn�t be sorry all the time.

�I shouldn�t?� He looked over quickly, his hopes raising suddenly.

All Kyle did was shrug, and Ashley�s heart fell again. He ran a hand through his hair and stared off into space for a while, answering questions without much thought when Kyle again finally talked to him. Moving the subject off the kiss though and to the drawing that Ashley had done. When silence again filled the room Ashley cleared his throat a little.

�Thanks�� was all he could say.

�For what?�

Ashley looked down again, feeling the blood rise to his cheeks. �Letting me kiss you. Makes me feel� no so alone�� he shrugged slightly but kept his eyes locked on his hands in his lap.

�Oh� well, you�re welcome I guess��

�You don�t mind?� He held his breath, not even able to look over at him.

�No�� was the quiet reply.

Ashley heard it though and smiled. This was too good to be true. He felt the need to pinch himself just to make sure that he wasn�t sleeping. He looked over at the blonde haired boy, surprised and wondering if maybe he didn�t mean it.

�Really? I thought you� you know�� He bit down on his lip.

�Well, I��

He shrugged but Ashley knew what he was trying to say. He was confused. Not sure how he felt but knowing that he liked the feeling running through him. He wasn�t sure if he was gay or just taking advantage of the situation. Ashley watched him closely.

�It doesn�t make you sick� to kiss me�?� He looked away, afraid of the answer.

�Should it?�

He took a breath, ready to explain, �It does for most people. They, um, I got beat up for it once.�

�You did? When?� He looked at him, making Ashley look away.

�Six months ago� it was� I was drunk. A guy kept talking to me. I just� kissed him.� He shrugged. �Next thing I remember, a group of guys are beating me up�� It was still hard to talk about it.

�I�m sorry��

�First time I did it� only time until� you.� He glanced at the other boy quickly, god he looked beautiful� �I thought you were going to hate me.�

�So did I, to tell you the truth. But� I didn�t��

Ashley saw him smile and that made him smile in return. He couldn�t believe this was really happening. If he didn�t know any better he would have guessed that Kyle was actually starting to like him back.

�I liked it,� he confessed.

Kyle turned red, �Me too��

He was embarrassed, either that just nervous, it was hard to tell which one. The blonde boys glanced at one another, not sure where to take the conversation now. During the silence, Ashley thought about everything that had happened; the kissing, the talking, the way Kyle made him feel. He didn�t want to pretend like none of that had happened. He wanted to make these feelings last. He wondered if Kyle felt the same, or if he had only let him kiss him because he felt sorry for him.

Looking over at the boy, Ashley started to regain his courage again. He wanted a relationship with this boy. He wanted what Aidan had with Sammy. A loving, caring relationship. He wanted to be held and kissed and hold hands with Kyle. The only question was if Kyle wanted the same thing. And even if that did happen, what would everyone else think of them? Would they be shunned? Beat up? Kicked out of the house? Homosexuality was not something that was very easily tolerated, Ashley knew that much.

But still, it was hard to get how happy he could be with Kyle out of his mind, rejection would hurt but he�d never know unless he asked.

�I don�t want to pretend it didn�t happen� but I don�t wanna get beat up, either.�

�Oh�� Kyle bit down on his lip slightly, again with those lips, it made Ashley crazy. �Then just don�t tell anyone.�

�Yeah� just need to keep quiet again��

He wasn�t sure what the meant, did he mean they could continue what was starting or just not tell anyone what had already happened? He watched the other boy closely.

�Better than someone killing us.�

�Yeah��

�So we�ll just� keep it a secret.�

�Right. If only we know, and we never kiss with anyone else around� no one will ever find out.� He waited for a reaction and the one he got made his heart skip a beat.

�Exactly. It�ll be fine. Easy.�

So that was it. They were actually going to keep this up and just keep it between the two of them. Ashley couldn�t tell Aidan and Brooke and Kyle couldn�t tell whoever it was that he was close to at the house. If anyone.

�Never had a real secret before�� It was hard to contain his joy but he somehow managed to maintain the shy, quiet boy he had always been around everyone.

�Neither have I�� Kyle smiled. �Not a really big one��

There was silence again. Ashley didn�t mind. It gave his mind a chance to register what had just happened. We they actually going to try a relationship together? Or just keep the kisses a secret. It had all happened so fast, he wasn�t sure what to make of it.

He had never been in a relationship before. Not even with girls. He watched Aidan and Sammy together though and he had always wanted that kind of companionship. But with another guy? The thought of it was thrilling get scary. His whole life he had been told that liking other men was wrong. It was a sin. He�d go to hell if he ever liked a member of the same sex. All these warnings and here he was in the lobby of the lodging house, making promises to never tell anyone about this new relationship with another man that had started.

Slowly, both blue eyes glanced over to look at Kyle. They traveled downward and rested on his hands. He knew Kyle couldn�t feel anything in his left hand yet there he was, playing with his fingers like he could. Kyle stopped when he saw the staring and smiled just a bit.

�Maybe um�maybe tomorrow we can sell? Together?�

�Okay�� It took everything in him not to just hug him right there. �Be nice not to be alone for once.�

�Yeah�� he smiled and nodded his head, bits of his hair falling into his eyes. �I agree. Maybe we�ll even sell more.�

�Hopefully��

�We will.� He smiled a little more. �Usually if you just stand in the park, a lot of people just pass through and get papers��

Ashley nodded, smiling. This was too good to be true. Selling together. It was more then he could have ever asked for. It was wonderful. Just wonderful. He smiled at Kyle who leaned in as if to kiss him and Ashley only became happier, but then he stopped and pulled back, glancing around.

�No one�s here�� he wasn�t about to let this moment get messed up.

�I know.�

He paused a moment, waiting to see if Kyle�s mouth would pick up where it had been heading. It didn�t. He just sat there, looking down at his hands. Ashley bit down on his lip, almost to the point of puncturing it.

�It�s okay� you don�t have too��

And then Kyle did kiss him. It was quick and light but it was still a kiss and it made both boys smile. But they were still both nervous. Kyle glanced around the room again to make sure no one saw and Ashley just watched him more.

�I should go get to bed.� Kyle told him, his face still a little flushed.

Ashley nodded, smiling. �Yeah� good night, Kyle.�

�Good night.�

Kyle stood and left the other boy there, grinning. He couldn�t remember a time when he had been happier. He never wanted this feeling to end but deep down he knew the secret couldn�t last forever. He just wished that if any had to find out, it wouldn�t be Cray. That was all he wished for� all he prayed for before he fell asleep was that. It was all he wanted.

The two were able to keep their romance a secrete for little over a week before they started becoming more careless. They would give each other a kiss out in public if they thought no one was watching, they�d hold hands down the street and hug and kiss inside the lodging houses so long as no one was in the same room as then. They never bothered to go anywhere safer, they didn�t think they could get caught. And for a while, they didn�t.
I
t was a Friday night when the two were sharing a kiss in the boys� lobby that Deli walked in and saw them. He walked right in the front door and just stared at them. It took only seconds for the boys to realize they were being watched. Both jumped away from each other and Deli just stared at them. The last thing he had expected was for one of his house members to be gay� and find another gay member in the same house. These were boys he shared a room with� it was surprising to say the least.

�You guys�� was all Deli managed to say.

Ashley looked at Kyle who moved even further away from him and bit down on his lip. Both boys looked like they were about to cry. No one was suppose to find out about them. No one.

�Please� please don�t kick us out.� Ashley pleaded as Kyle quickly made an escape to the kitchen.

�Why the hell would I?� He took a seat on the couch next to him, where Kyle had been sitting seconds before. �I don�t care, and I�m sure Brooke won�t either.�

Ashley shook his head and looked at him, beyond confused. �Why don�t you care?� He wanted to cry. �It�s wrong. I�m wrong.� He couldn�t bring himself to say that both he and Kyle were wrong in what they felt. He had been the one to fist kiss Kyle. He had been the one to want to pursue the relationship. For all he knew Kyle was straight and just very confused.

�Is that truly what you think?� He looked at him. �Is that really what you think, Ash? You can�t help how you feel��

�You can�t tell anyone.� There was too much going on in his mind. �You can�t tell Aidan.� The thought of what his brother would do if he ever found out scared him more than what Cray would do to him if he knew.

�Brooke needs to know. She�s worried about you.�

�No! No one can know� she can�t know� she�ll be mad�

�She won�t be mad.�

�You can�t tell her.�

�Why didn�t you tell me?�

Ashley couldn�t even bring himself to look at him. �I didn�t want you to hate me.�

�But I don�t hate you. And I know.�

�But you�re disgusted.�

�No. I�m not.�

Ashley sighed. This was all just too much. He wished that Kyle hadn�t left. He wished that he didn�t have to sit here and face Deli alone. He just needed to be held and told by Kyle that everything would be okay.

�I�m sorry��

�For what?�

�Being this way. Not telling you��

�Couldn�t care less.�

And then he left and went into the kitchen to talk to Kyle. Ashley just sat there. He wondered if he should go into the kitchen and give Kyle the support that he would have liked talking to Deli. Instead, he just sat there, feeling horrible about himself.

If only he could changed the way he was. That would make everything better. When Deli finally left, Kyle came back out to the lobby and resumed his seat beside Ashley on the couch. They looked at each other. Both a little embarrassed about the whole thing.

�He okay with it?�

�Seemed it. He wasn�t mad.�

�So much for being careful.�

�It was my fault.�

�I kissed you.� He was ready to take all the blame. And wanted it. It was his fault in the first place.

�Still. Not your fault.� He looked over at him. �Least he�s not mad.�

Ashley nodded. That was a big relief. If they would have been kicked out then the whole house would have eventually found out why. Aidan would have found out and he would have hated him and told Cray� then Cray would have found him and would probably kill him.

Kyle watched the other boy for a few moments before lightly taking hold of his hand. Ashley shut his eyes a moment. He loved that feeling. Gently, he squeezed the boy�s hand and looked over at him with a small, loving smile.

�Hey... Um� Maybe� maybe tomorrow we could get dinner together?� Ashley asked carefully, prepared to be rejected.

�Sure. It�ll be fun.�

�Really?� Ashley smiled and looked at him as he nodded. �I�ll--I�ll even pay.�

�You don�t have too� I can pay.�

�Are you sure?� He didn�t want to have Kyle pay. He wanted to be a gentleman. He wanted to pay for the meal. After all, it had been his idea in the first place to go.

�I�m sure�� Kyle smiled at him. �Should probably go��

�Right��

Kyle hesitated then kissed the other boy.

�Good night then. I�ll see you tomorrow morning.�

Ashley smiled and nodded. �Good night��
The next day Ashley took Kyle to a small country-like restaurant in hopes to bring a smile to the other boy�s lips. Kyle had after all grew up on a farm in New Jersey and Ashley thought maybe this would be something he could appreciate. Just as he hoped, Kyle did seem very amused by the surroundings and he ate all the food that was placed in front of him. Ashley had actually done something right for once. He was happy with Kyle. More so than he could have ever been with any girl. Did that make this wrong? He didn�t know. And he was beginning not to care.

That night, when they returned home from dinner they stopped outside the lodging house, making sure no one was around them. It felt� awkward for them both to say the least in just having come back from a date but, at the same time, it felt right. Now that could have just been hormones talking but something inside Ashley knew it was more than that. He cared about Kyle and he only hoped Kyle cared the same way about him.

�We probably shouldn�t walk in at the same time.� Kyle told him, glancing down at his feet.

�Yeah� you can go in first.�

They didn�t want anyone suspecting anything. For two shy boys, one who was hard to get along with, having them both walk in the house together after having supper together would be cause for questions.

Kyle nodded but waited a moment before moving. Ashley wanted to kiss him so badly. A small good night kiss was all he wanted, but he didn�t want to make Kyle uncomfortable and he didn�t want anyone seeing them. Deli had already caught them, what if this time they kiss and Aidan caught them instead? Ashley licked his lips and to his surprise--and delight, Kyle kissed him quickly.

�Good night.�

Ashley smiled at the other boy. �Night.�

With that, Kyle walked into the house and Ashley grinned. His heart stopped beating for a second however when he heard someone walking up behind him. His face went bright red and he bit down hard on his lip.

�Ashley, what the hell are you doing out here this late?� It was Cray. Damnit, out of everyone in New Jersey why did it have to be Cray?

The small boy swallowed and turned to face his speaker. �I--I was just coming back from� dinner�� He couldn�t even think up a lie.

�Dinner?� Then a smile spread across his lips. �You found yourself a girlfriend?�

Ashley nodded quickly. �Yeah.� It was close enough to the truth and it would be the only answer Cray would accept.

�Well, well� I never thought it would happen. When do I get to meet this girl?�

Ashley thought quickly. His heart was pounding and he knew he must have been sweating. He wiped his face with the back of his sleeve and swallowed the lump in his throat.

�She, ah, she doesn�t really like meeting new people all that much. Um� I� she, um, I don�t think she�ll want meet anyone.�

�Huh. How long you been keeping this a secret from me?� He was still smiling so Ashley knew he believed him.

�It hasn�t been long� this was the first time we went out together.� At least that was true.

Without even noticing, Ashley began to shake with fear, if Cray ever found out� he didn�t even want to think about it. He was sweating and panting and he looked like he was about to faint. Cray furrowed his brow, worried.

�Hey� calm down, Ash.� He smiled a bit and put his hand on his shoulder. �What�s the matter? You look nervous.�

�I just� I don�t want everyone knowing� they�ll just makes things harder. Make fun of me and�� he shook his head. �She doesn�t want everyone she knows knowing about us yet. Her� um, she�s.. shy and��

�All right, all right.� He smirked a little and ruffled his hair. �I won�t tell any of the boys you got yourself a girl, okay?�

�Thanks��

�I still want to meet her though.� Ashley nodded and his heart rate returned to normal again. �Brooke ain�t around, is she?�

�She�s probably asleep by now��

�Yeah.� Cray sighed but shrugged.

After giving Ashley a one-armed hug and saying �good going� he left and Ashley was able to retreat into the lodging house where he promptly ran up the stairs and took a long, cold shower.