today i lay in my bed thinking thoughts of sleep. anger busted through my bedroom door and insisted i get up to face the world too large to understand. i fooled her by leaving my bed empty. sheets covering the tear stains. mattress pillowing my emotions. i hid in my closet of fear all afternoon. dusty memories hidden in colorful shoe boxes attract my attention. pain so loud it hurts my ears. laughter so distant i have to strain to feel it.
another dirty morning brings me too my knees.
i hope you come on here and realize that maybe you shouldnt have taken my feelings for granted. my feelings. did you ever stop to think i might own a few of those?
maybe its my fault for closing my eyes just in time for your fist to slam into my already suspiscious heart. shattering it with the impact of your meaningless words when i had turned my head for one split second.
your lies are what turned me bitter, not my actions. a bruised ego is what it took for you to realize i wasnt good enough. do you find it funn how everything is now about you? are you regreting your loneliness yet? i hope you choke down my loneliness .... i hope my sharp emotions make your throat raw. you deserve nothing but the worst.
theres been an acheing in me for days and it seems thats how this story ends
you got inside of me with your endless phone calls, and beautiful lingo. made yourself comfortable inside my chest until things started to go sour. then you pulled on the chords so hard my chest caved in, and you left your mess.
my blood runs messy like your room.
sex wasnt enough for me. enough for you. sex without love ... shameful sex that i wanted so badly. you wanted me badly then. weekends spent naked in your bed. the smell of beer still ruins my perception of people and their intentions. it started with a bang and ended with the shrieking of my breaking heart. i let you break my heart. do you feel privliged? the first to break this sinful heart.
forget me nots, and bubble gum. wake me up when this is all gone.
love me, love you not
love? what the fuck is love? something i have dreamt about? wished i would someday feel? its a burden. hope that is lost. something that kills me from the inside. its the scars on my heart cause by the sharp end of the word. love. how can we want something so painfull? so fake. so incrediably generic? you talk like you know what it is. like you know what you want from it. like you can control its every thought. it controls you. it has you blind to the fact that you're already dead.
sit back and take this shame. shove it in their faces as the thing you became. misunderstood and broken you feel. give into the truth. everyone feels the same. point your finger to the one standing infront of you. its easy to accuse. you feel as thought your about to lose. blood is dripping from your fractured nose. you've been hit again. you poor little thing. why dont you step up to the plate. not everyone pitys the way that you think. you have a bruise on your ego, and a rep. to keep. no one likes a little bitch with no one to thank. beauty comes with a price. a fee you can not pay. so you take things without giving and underestimate my strength. dont speak to me as though i am nothing. i have more than you, and yes that is something. to me you feel nothing. to me you dont give a shit. so when your lieing in your gutter of self pity i will do nothing but look the other way.
finally asleep in my bed with all these dreams filling the empty spaces in my head.
awoken by a cell phone ringing; down the hall everyones still sleeping.
a forced hellp through broken lips; lips that find themselves longing for your kiss.
its 2:30am and my world is quite dead, but you've called to talk just like you said.
my mind is still cloudy with doubts and fears, but your voice on the line seems to dry my tears.
im getting rather comfortable with you inside my core; all the while i must look like some kind of whore.
it scares me how much i accept your excuse; im tieing the knot to my very own noose.
ive been setting the stage for the drama to come; thinking all the while that what i was feeling was dumb.
this mask over our relationship has let us get comfortable; but im scared as to what we will soon be labled.
you've placed this feeling deep inside of me; but i know all this happiness must have some kind of fee.
how am i to know that what im feeling is real; how do i know its not just time you're trying to kill?
if you knew everything i felt deep inside; would you want to run? run and hide?
i only wish that i could make you see; that maybe JUST MAYBE you could be happy with just me
but i have a feeling hideing inside that if you knew all i felt you'd want "us" to die
things have been growing more complicated; you've seen my worst when i've been faded.
courage that comes from a drink in my hand; digging our nervous feet deep into the sand.
feelings have long been involved; but how do i know your insecurities are solved?
you say you feel the same; but when i end up hurt i only have myself to blame. so i continue on with our act; but honestly - my feelings are becoming a fact.
you gave me words that i could never understand. so i scrambled them up and made them what i wanted.
you gave me meanings i did not want to believe. so i turned them inside out, and placed them infront of me.
you told me that you needed time. so i put on a mask of anger, but vanished into the shadows of your relationship. never asking when or why.
you tried to sympathize with me when i was drunk and upset. but you shut your mouth quickly noticing exactly what my words meant.
you constantly told me how much you missed me as i sucked on your kiss. outside i was smiling, as i slowly stabbed you with my regret.
you hate drama and when things get complicated. yet you're sleeping around with my feelings right before you puke your love for her on my silk dress.
you think you have things covered, but what will happen when i get tired of being walked on? what will happen when you realize how broken my heart will become?
if you know, please tell me, because i am terrified to find out.