i've defeated .... well not so much "defeated" but i have worked on solving a few problems that i dont need.
edward has called me a couple times these past few days, and well last night i told him i'd rather him not call. i will admit - i want him to call, but i dont need him calling. im seriously done with all the bullshit. im not even sure i want to be friends. scratch that: im not sure i can be friends with him.
i have feelings about him, and the whole situation that i try so desperatly to get out in artistic form, but it never fully works. its almost as though i start out writting my thoughts for me, but then they drift to this pathetic poem that is trying to make him feel bad.
"i can see myself falling in love with you."
each day i fell deeper into this love that i created in my mind.
i went to yosemite today with my family. it was pretty much a good trip. except for all my "idiot moments." and i had quite a few of them today. for example: i had my window down, and i was hanging my arm out feeling the force of the air ... well i seen that this tree seemed rather close, but i didnt have enough time to react. all you heard was this loud hard-to-describe sound. which was my hand hitting up against the tree. my pinky swelled up, but quickly went back down to normal size, and it stung for awhile. god, it was hillarious.
today is alejandra's 19th birthday, and i am not there. :(
well my mother would like to go to sleep so i should be going.
i feel really wierd right now. i dont know how to explain it.
i woke up about 2 hours ago not wanting to move. i finally pulled myself out of bed, but did not go far. i crashed on the loveseat, and didnt move for about an hour. i just kind of sat there. i was blank. my mind didnt think. my limbs didnt move. i was feeling nothing. it was almost as though i appeared to be awake, but in all reality i was still in the safety of sleep. i finally decided to get up and suck down a cigarette.
its not like i am upset. im not feeling depressed or anything. i can feel the tears gathering behind my glossy eyes, but i feel as though i have no use for them. whats the use in crying anyways? it gets me nothing but relief. relief that i fell as though i really do not need. so why am i finding myself here. my fingers going full speed. my mind running in complete circles. hopeing to find some kind of satisfaction. some kind of clearity.
last night was wierd as well. i went to family dinner, and got home around 9. i fumbled throughout my room trying to find something to do until sleep over took my every need. my mind kept racing back to thoughts i did not want floating around in my head. even as i laid down to my music, my mind was fogged by him.
it hurts to admit this because i do not want to give him the credit he does not deserve.
i almost expect my cell phone to ring, and it be edward. just calling to talk. just like he used to. i would get so many feelings, and unknown aggresion off my chest during those phone calls. now its all become this silky build up on the inside of my chest. i hate the fact that i lasted as long as i did with him. much longer then i expected. much longer then i had hoped for. much longer then he deserved.
enough talk about things i can no longer control. nor do i want to control.
im falling back into this "girly" stage. i mean i was never exactly "boyish" or anything, but i have been noticing changes in my style, and my wants. its wierd. we go through so many different "stages" and "beings" that it is hard to focus on who we really are. but whos to say i even know who i am or what i want. because i dont. if i did would i be proud? or would i fall to my knees and puke out my disapproval? i dont even want to think about the results.
damn. does this entry even have a meaning? a reason to exist? im in the middle of such a wierd feeling. im so ....... blank.