journal
well last night i went out. had a good night. i had many good conversations with people. the only thing wierd about the night was talking to some of the camera guys. i felt like their was a change ... a bad vibe almost. could have just been me.
something has changed inside of me. i can feel it. not exactly a bad change.
i feel like i am finally taking control of things. of my life.
i have given up boys and sex for awhile. relationships. i really need to focus on myself for awhile. i need to figure out what i want. what i need. what i am looking for. im hopeing this will help me from getting into real bad situations. all my life i have felt as though i had to work for guys feelings. like i wasnt good enough to be won; i always had to fight. i have really been able to think these past few days and i have realized that when it comes to boys and relationships .... i am horrible. i have picked up so many bad habits, and i have just been giving myself out way too easy.
i think all these bad habits and insecurities may come from the things that happened to me with my dad when i was younger, and what happened to me growing up. its all a cycle really. a riddle actually. like the whole "what came first? the egg or the chicken?" its like the things i do when it comes to guys bring on the bad feelings. the rape. the touvhing. but then again the things that have happened to me - the touching when i was too young to understand. the rape. - cause me to do the things i do when it comes to boys, and my feelings.
i need to move on, and realize that i do not need guys, and the attention that i sometimes get from them. i need to be happy with myself, and what i have achieved. i need goals, and ambitions. i need a new life.
starting the 21st i am giving up drinking for awhile.
i feel like i have grown up way too quickly. people tell me i am "ahead of the game" and that i am "more mature than my age." i take it two different ways.
1) as a compliment
2) as a insult. maybe "insult" is the wrong word. i feel like i have missed out on things. what is my age supposed to act like? i dont even know. by "being ahead" did i miss things?
alejandra and i have been talking a lot lately. its really helped me put things in perspective. its amasing how clear things have become in the past couple of days. like the whole edward thing for instince - i was really tore up about it you know. for awhile there my chest was constantly sore. i was hurt that everything was a lie. because it was. but now i can stand back and think "why? why hurt over someone who was never mine?" he used me to fill in spaces. its not a new feeling, and it still hurts. but atleast now when i see him it isnt "i miss him" its "i want nothing to do with him." i like not having to worry about the dramatics of him, and whether or not i am going to get fucked over. i already have. its over. now i can move on.
well i need to be going but i will more than likely finish my thoughts later on tonight or tomarrow.
last night i made a bomb ass dinner. i dont want to brag or anything, but fuck ... i am good. haha. no, but really, it was good. i made these crispy potatoe skins. all it is really is potatoe skins filled with this salad that i make. it has oranges, apples, parsely, garlic, tomato, chives, celery, red bell pepper, lemon juice, a light soy sauce, and clear honey. may sound disgusting, but come over and let me make it for you. its great. and very easy.
hmm well ... there isnt much to update about. i mean i havent even really talked to anyone. i tried calling alejandra yesterday, but she wasnt home. i talked to mishell last night for a little while. she said she would try and come over today, but we all know how many times she says that and then never calls ....
you know that new sprite? the tropical shit? well i finally tried it. its good, but i think it smells better then it taste. then again im not big on soda so .....
how FUCKING PATHETIC ..... im updating my life, and all i have to talk about is food, and all the people that i dont talk to ...
i woke up today, and i chose to be in a good mood.
life is about choices.
you can chose to live sadly or chose to live wisely.
i thought i would update this thing since i havent in awhile.
i just got out of the shower. im back to taking 3. 4. 5 showers a day. ha, maybe not that many. more like 2. its just so goddamn hot, and i hate the feeling of being sweaty. dirty. gross.
do you realize what next wednesday is? not this wednesday, but next? its august 6th. my least favorite day of the year.
august 6th, 1999 - my cousin, eric, died. he was only 17.
i can still feel the day. taste the day. smell the day. i remember that day like it was yesterday.
well. ha. i fucking got caught sneaking out last thursday.
im such a moron.
my parents sat me down on friday, and tore me apart. from the chest out.
i've never felt so unworthy.
knowing all that i know now - i regret nothing.
hmm ... well i should go. its 5:48, and i have yet to start dinner.
