What am I?  
by Janet Lee

Visit Janet's site for more articles and information on her upcoming publication,
The Road to Integrity

www.JanetLee.net


When we think of what we as humans are comprised of, three individual mind parts can be felt. The part that is fearful, and often appears childlike in its attitudes and behaviors (ego), the part that feels separate, watching events and lives unfold before our eyes without seemingly being able to provide input ('me') and the part when we feel calm, confident and intuitive, as though we know and feel all will be well (spirit/inner knowing).

The terms I refer to are my own, sometimes they match others, sometimes not. I create words to describe my experiences and what I learn and know from them.

It has become clear that ego is the subconscious part where our beliefs and fears are held, then demonstrated in all our conscious thoughts and actions. Like a frightened child reacting constantly without restriction.

I have heard people speak of ego as unwanted, a part of ourselves to be scorned and hidden for it demonstrates our bad side. Ego is no such thing my friend. Ego is your child self, ego is that wonderous part of you who willingly took on all your fears and hurts as they occurred, packed them away so you wouldn�t constantly feel them, then set about organizing your life in a way to prevent further hurts by avoidance of those same situations. Ego cares deeply for you. Ego�s only purpose is to help you.

Yet ego�s disposition is such that it operates from a child�s perspective and knowledge, therefore not appropriate to be in control of adult thoughts and actions. Although, what a magnificent mechanism ego is to prompt and trigger growth from learning. In order to escape the childish behaviors we are forced to look to their cause, locate the stockpile of fears and beliefs we have taken on from the outside world.

The self creates situations in order to experience and take on fearful beliefs, stockpiles them to be used whenever similar situations reoccur, creates new nightmare situations to push the discovery of this stockpile as the only means of escape, all so we have the opportunity to experience living in a way to promote self discovery and growth.

As you progress with your lesson work, this frighten child will become well known to you, he/she will sit on your lap often as you share comfort, love, compassion and new beliefs. You will begin to see ego as a separate identity, one to be protected and nurtured. You will learn true compassion for this child and marvel at the strength of character.

Whenever I find myself feeling fearful, or reacting strongly to lesson work I am undertaking, or feeling as though I am blocking access to specific areas, I call ego and listen to her, allow her to feel and express, then release all that worries her.

Ego is fearful of being neglected and abandoned again, that is why she has put up a good fight for control over spirit influence. Remember the two states of being, love and fear. As we clear our fear beliefs we begin spending time in a calm and knowing state, this builds until we reach a point of spending more time feeling calm than feeling fearful. It is indeed a very pleasant point to reach, until ego becomes fearful and kicks in for control, attempting to sabotage our work progress. When this happens, spend time listening and comforting ego, let him/her feel, express and release.

While ego is the child part of me, �me� is the adult one living this life and connecting ego and spirit. It is �me� who works with ego in helping her grow up and feel loved. This I commenced doing in meditation, I would picture my ego child and call her to me, talk to her, reassure her, keep her comforted and close to me, all the while encouraging her to grow up, that the world was safe. The process of ego growing up and becoming an adult is in line with clearing childhood emotional beliefs, gradually over time.

I cannot remember a time when I did not feel as an observer of my life, standing outside yet being responsible for it. I cannot remember a time when I did not cringe with disgust and hate being me. It was truly awful being this person with all these reactions and emotions, so very many of them. It was like I was literally shown constantly all the awful parts of me, the things I did. I had to be part of it without being able to play any part, I had no input at all.

During my lessons of self-love, these were among the feelings that arose. It was very difficult to comprehend where such a strong self-dislike originated. I knew that in general humans dislike being human, and other humans. This is demonstrated by our dislike of our, and others actions, and how many do not like the living experience at all. We humans are incredibly cruel to ourselves.

Think of all the activities you undertake that are not in your best interest and you will see what I mean. We smoke, drink, eat poorly, don�t exercise or keep our physical beings healthy, we push ourselves to the limit without thought for our own well-being. It is in every facet of our lives, this self-punishment. Being a general viewpoint I was curious why.

One area I found was from my �me� part. I listened to my deep sense of hatred for all that I was, and allowed the anger and frustration to tell their stories. What I heard surprised me greatly. This �me� part carried the hurt and despair and a sense of complete loss of control over oneself, that ego went about doing whatever whenever, yet �me� was dragged along unable to interfere at all. Then felt the anger at being held accountable for ego�s actions. The sense of lack of control over ones own being was profound, a very strong emotion. I came to realize that my �me� part also had some form of ego, unknown to me previously, and how this part initiated and controlled all the self punishment I was undertaking. I had realized this self-punishment could not be ego�s issue as ego felt deep hurt from experiencing it.

As with all emotions that surface I allowed unconditional validation of �me�s� viewpoint and hurt, I allowed �me� to feel and express all that had been held onto, then I released it fully with breathing. �Me� no longer felt the anger and want of reprisal against ego, the validation, acknowledgement and recognition of its suffering was sufficient.

I then felt compassion for my ego self, not only had it taken on all the hurts from my fears and beliefs, but then was punished for reacting to them. I felt ego had been done a great disservice. No judgement of either �me� or ego was undertaken, merely becoming aware of their feelings and allowing them to express and work through them. A genuine love and want to be kind was felt for ego, I wanted, for the first time in my life to be nice and kind and loving to myself. Even now as I write this chapter, the sense of love for self grows as it is discussed and felt. I have done nothing wrong, I do not deserve punishment, I am a special person and deserve to be treated as such.

It is a process to eliminate no longer wanted habits, although instantly I notice and act on my wants and needs. I no longer ignore what is good for me. The chapter on difficult lives speaks of this self-abuse issue also.

The third part is spirit, inner knowing or whatever name feels comfortable for you. Many people assume being spiritual involves religion, guides, gurus, or other beings outside ourselves. To me, I am an independent life force, that essence of myself I call my spirit, it is this spirit sense of who I am that is calm and knowing and provides initiation and ideas and original thoughts. Therefore to me, living a spiritual life is undertaking a journey of self discovery into ones spirit self, our true self.

When I feel my spirit I smile, the energy is warm and comforting, it is good to feel me. When I listen to my intuition or messages from spirit, the activities I then undertake make me smile from the inside out. When I work with people, my knowing and words flow without thought, just as when I write, I feel my spirit self.

Think of a time when you were undertaking an activity that you enjoyed thoroughly, something you feel you need to do, how right it feels. Like the nurse who returns to her professional love, or the man who picks up his musical instrument and begins playing after a long absence, or beginning your writing again, some activity you feel you are meant to do, it flows, it is easy, you smile and feel alive when doing it.

Now think of times when you were too busy to undertake any activities that pleased you, how listless and lifeless you became, something was missing.

To feel our spirit is to feel our life force, that drive and passion and happiness from within, the calm and knowing that all will be well, peace. Spirit is indeed a very special part of ourselves. Yet it will not interfere with our path, our problems and struggles, it sits on the sideline waiting for times when our fears settle and it can freely come to us. Spirit has no fears, no dislike, no problems. Spirit merely is, an experience in motion.

The man who smiles and has faith, in the face of adversity, the woman who, although her world is falling apart around her, remains peaceful and calm, the young child who is driven to pursue an odd pass-time, stating this is his future, all display spirit energies at work.

Can you find one thing each day to make you smile from the inside out?

Why is it that during recent world events, amidst all the panic and fears, some people remained calm and clear headed, not fearful for their lives at all? Having a strong sense of spirit self is calming, strengthens us and we know all is well, no matter what is appearing around us.

So now, we see the three parts of us, ego, 'me' and spirit, yet being three individual parts of a whole is to feel disjointed. I found it a natural process to recognize and come to learn of my three parts as I undertook my personal work, then as I came to know each well, I began to see a point whereby the three could be merged as one.

'Me' is the adult person I am now, the organizer, ego is my beliefs and motivator to undertake actions, and spirit is the ideas person. As I allow my ego self to heal and grow up in line with the adult 'me', I am able to explain its role to ego. Until now it has been responsible for all thinking, comprehending, figuring out and their resultant actions, that is why ego is constantly fearful. It cannot see a way out of situations, cannot grasp faith and belief that all will be well unless it is seen physically before it, ego is a very physical aspect of ourselves.

During the writing of the Self-importance chapter, I accidentally stumbled upon more information of the spirit, 'me', ego triad. It seems that while the three remain separate, only one is in control at a time and the others are unaware of its actions. While I had undertaken conscious work in creating communication between 'me' and ego, it had not occurred to me that apart from these specific times, there is no direct communication between the two. Neither knows what the other is thinking or doing. An understanding and resolution was found so 'me' and ego learned how to become as one and work together with love and compassion.





Home Page