Feeling  
by Janet Lee

from
The Road to Integrity

www.JanetLee.net


What is feeling exactly? We all believe we are thinking and feeling human beings, but is that really the case? Try these exercises and find out for yourself.

Do you like showering? Why? Have you ever thought or felt more when showering than rushing through it and making sure you don�t smell? If the act of showering is seen as a chore or merely one of those daily activities we have to undertake, you have indeed missed feeling this experience for its own sake.

Do you remember that first hold of a newborn baby, or puppy or kitten? Or, if none of these bring smiles and happy thoughts what about being in love, during that true ecstasy stage. How you felt it through your entire being, pure love? The warmth, tingly sensations, and the smile that couldn�t leave your face. Think on this memory, how pleasant it was, picture it as if happening this very minute, and feel it yet again as you did at the time. What I am trying to get you to find is one of those very remote situations where your emotions became highly charged with love. So you can, for yourself, remember deep feeling.

Now go run some warm water over your hand. Close your eyes and relax. Feel it! The sensation on your skin, how that ripples through your very being. Enjoy it! That my friends, is what it is to really feel. Everything else is mind or thought feeling.

Like how we go about our days experiencing all manner of stimuli, from water on our bodies, the sunshine or wind, our working environments, interactions with people, yet we rarely feel any of it. Its like many of us have shut down that natural ability and delight in feeling. We all experienced as babies yet we lost it along the way somehow.

What of feeling emotions. Sure we say and think we feel them, but do we really? Or have we become so very experienced at only allowing ourselves to feel what we perceive as good, that we have dulled all our feeling.

Did you know that within your mind is a list, a very powerful one that rates all events on a scale from good to bad. Try this exercise and you�ll see what I mean. Think of 2 things you may do next week, one good and one, bad. Perhaps sitting outside in the sunshine reading a book and going to the dentist. Can you feel them?

Stop for a moment and think on each. Watch and feel your mind and body reactions. The dentist vision may cause you to literally shake, while the other relax you. A simple thought has created such strong mind and physical reactions within your being. Purely because of this rating list.

Is not feeling about an experience? Is it not something we won't know until the actual event? What are the implications of already knowing a feeling prior to experiencing it in reality?

We humans actually forgot to keep the act of feeling within the moment of experiencing it. No wonder we don�t feel, no wonder we�ve forgotten how, we haven�t needed to feel anything because our minds had already determined what it would be like in its entirety and the judgement of good or bad already made. That judgement dictates our expectations, mood and motivation to experience events. Why experience anything if our minds have already thought of, experienced and evaluated it? How could we have any real concept of what feeling is?

What if we choose to scrap this mind-rating list and discover what it is to feel for ourselves? What might we find? Is that possible?

Yes it is very possible and a truly wonderful and releasing experience. When we understand this concept and consciously work to eliminate it, a whole new world opens up to us. One of wonder and joy. Keeping this mind-rating list inhibits all we are and experience; it is draining and depressing.

Lets do this gradually, step by step so we build a sound foundation on feeling in what will seem a new way, but which is really how we began as children.

For 2 days, consciously keep reminding yourself, every time you hear this list information pop into your head (because you are now aware you�ll notice it), the list is not wanted. Choose to ignore and shut it down. Tell it to go away. Know that you are in control of what you choose to allow your mind to think of. If you truly wish it to vanish and make a conscious effort with this exercise, the list will indeed vanish. All up to you.

During these 2 days consciously keep bringing your awareness back to what you are feeling, experiment with things. Perhaps do this on a weekend when you can plan some specific time. When I undertook this exercise it was during a quiet time, at first hard to quiet my mind sufficiently to remain in the �now� without wandering of as usual thinking about other things. But, I kept returning my focus to the experience at hand and within 2 days shutting down the list became mostly automatic.

I sat outside on my little veranda, dog at my side. I thought of how dear this little dog is, always faithfully by my side, like he smiles at me constantly. I patted him and he was happy. I smiled from within and felt the warmth of our love shared for each other. As I looked around from my 2nd floor apartment, being at the same height as the birds in the trees, I smiled, so close to them. I listened to all the different songs, the cardinal, the mocking bird, and all the others I am still to learn the names of. I closed my eyes and listened as the music filled my ears. This lovely time is, as always very special to me, being with nature and her creatures.

Finding and using something very pleasurable and dear to my heart as an initiation to bringing my feeling focus to the now made it so much easier, and such a delight to experience. Of course I wanted more, and I use similar experiences to begin each day. I walk with the sunrise and my dear little dog. We talk to the birds and squirrels and rabbits. I feel the trees and the earth below me. I allow myself to become one with the world of nature. I literally feel their energies around me, and of course always acknowledge such beautiful singing and other ways they greet us.

Then I return home to a shower, where I relax and allow my whole body to feel the warm water flowing, the smell and feel of cleanliness, the rubbing of a towel. Smiling at myself in the mirror with greeting at a wonderfully clean new me, all ready for my day.

It's actually very interesting to spend some conscious time revisiting feeling. Washing dishes which I had personally never felt anything from except dread at having to waste the time doing it, became fun playing in the water, smells and smiles watching what began as a disaster turn into a sparkling clean kitchen. �Tis nice to feel satisfaction in what we do. Everything can be experienced in that light.

You might decide to spend time being consciously aware of your children, feeling and enjoying their chatter, love of life and energy around you. You might play some games and feel as a child yourself. Anything you decide to try is fine, from the smallest event upwards. It is all feeling.

Now that you have spent some time experiencing real feeling, your perceptions may have changed. You may find it easier to give yourself a lift when tired or stressed, because you know that to feel without expectation or judgement is very enjoyable. And you may now find yourself questioning the validity of your rating list in correctness also. For that which was previously viewed as negative was not so when experienced first hand. The list and the experience do not match.

Why don�t they match? Why am I now confused as to what activities feel good and bad? Why do I now much prefer the actual experience to what my mind was telling me about them?

Of course they do not match and are now confusing, because our mind�s perceptions were only from judgmental beliefs held in our subconscious. They had absolutely no basis on our reality. To want to feel the actual experience rather than think about it as we did previously, is a simple and natural progression. To feel and live in the now of experiences is natural to us, it is pleasurable, it is what we like to do. And most importantly it feels right!

Each day, as you expand your repertoire of experiences and feelings you�ll notice it is rather difficult to compare them as you use to. For they are not connected, nor opposing each other. Experiences and feelings are just that, things to experience for themselves. Nothing to do with anything outside the event.

If we take that one step further we may come to realize all events and feelings are neutral. That it was only our minds rating list, which we no longer rely on, that judged. If experiences and feelings can only be fully felt while remaining in the �now� of that event, how and why would we even contemplate comparing them to others, which results in good/bad definitions. There is no longer any judgmental forethought on upcoming events, so we are able to sit back and watch and feel the event unfold, for its own sake.

I must say at this point, for I am hearing your cries. What of those horrible situations and experiences? What of the pain and suffering, they cannot be felt as neutral? Please tell your mind to put those events and thoughts away for now, for they are of past memories. They will be discussed in detail within a later chapter, then you will have the information to make clear evaluations on them. This chapter on feeling is necessary for you to begin your journey of experience. Everything is one step built upon the last. How can you grasp or undertake this work I speak of until you begin allowing yourself to feel again. So stay with pleasant feelings, enjoy them and be comforted in being able to initiate them whenever you so desire.

During my personal work on neutralizing feelings and experiences, I had some very interesting times. I still smile at my first comparison and the expressions and laughs when I discussed this with my peers.

I had spent my 2 days working consciously to feel the �now�. This automatically led me to question how I compared and judged events and feelings as good/bad, so I put it to the test. As often is the case, my wondrous walks become my classroom. I decided to consciously listen to how I felt about each event that occurred. So I set off dog and plastic bags in hand. What I noticed was how I didn�t seem to feel as emotionally charged from each occurrence as I had previously. I still enjoyed listening to the lovely songs and talking to the squirrels and rabbits, but it was less intense. As I continued my walk the inevitable happened, my dog did his poop. This is usually my cue to sigh in dread, screw my nose up, as if that stopped me from smelling I doubt, and undertake this highly distasteful experience I had never encountered before moving to America. Cleaning up after a dog. (In Australia our dogs spend most of their time outside in fenced backyards, wandering in and out as they please. So walks are not an important time for bodily functions.)

Noticing the beginning of my automatic response to �my list�, I stopped myself and thought. This is merely another experience so lets see what its like. I was very surprised that, when I had removed all expectations and judgement on this event, the intensity of it diminished. It felt very different and was just one of those natural things. The smell even appeared less and not offensive. Perhaps because I wasn�t using the association of smell. I felt none of the angst or dread of having to do this, it was quick and easy, and actually, a kindness to my neighbors so I was pleased to leave their lawn clean.

By the time we reached home again, I had fully come to the conclusion that events and feelings are neutral in themselves. It is only our perceptions and beliefs causing anything to the contrary. So I went about my days testing this theory, listening intently to my self-talk and keeping consciously focussed in the �now�.

It was hot in my car, so I opened a window. The traffic was heavy, so it took me a few minutes longer to reach my destination. More time to watch and experience the sites. I couldn�t find specific groceries, then had a wonderful discussion with a kind lady who helped me. The market line was long, allowing conversation and interactions between people and a break. My son was grumpy so we shared some special time together, and I smiled for this opportunity to be there for him. A large bill came in the mail, what an opportunity to spread the wonderful energy money portrays.

These may seem mundane and insignificant events to ponder, yet is it not these little events that comprise our lives? Do they not build upon each other filling our days.

Each day I found myself becoming more and more calm. The never ending jumping between happiness and sadness, which accompanied each experience, mellowed. For there was no longer elation at talking to a bird or squirrel and the dread of receiving a bill. They were each individual experiences to feel for themselves. The feelings were neutral and pleasant.

Perhaps part of the issue has been that we think happy events occur so rarely, that we become more excited and charged when they do. Once we remove the judgement and expectations, and benefit from the calmness and pleasure of the myriad of experiences and feelings that fill our lives, we no longer crave the perceived good ones and value them too highly. Perhaps not only did our rating list exaggerate the negative experiences, but also the positive?

Anyway, now I feel much more at peace. When I am feeling ungrounded or stressed, its easy to bring myself back to the now and feel again. Life is a magical journey of experiences and feelings.

I would like to share a sweet little story related to this topic, about a cardinal who came for a visit. But before I do. Based on the personal work I have undertaken I do truly believe in being able to fully neutralize all our days and live with peace and happiness. Yet I appreciate this part is a gradual process due to our subconscious fear beliefs. As I progress through the path of healing each fear I am able to add that event to this neutral list.

I learned that along with events, individual feelings were added to our list of things to be avoided at all cost. Ask yourself this. How often, when you feel sad, or depressed or even angry, do you allow yourself to sit and become part of that experience, for itself? Or do you focus on pushing it aside and continuing on with your day, perhaps telling yourself I don�t wish to feel them?

Why do humans think it is so bad to cry and so good to laugh? Both are but mere experiences to have. We say we do not like feeling sadness or other emotions, then why do we wallow in it? Why do we keep dredging them all up?

If you work to let go of the need to avoid and judge the various emotions as good versus bad, as you did with your mind list, then allow the experience of whatever emotion surfaces, I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

To cry, scream, morn, or even feel the power of fear sends an adrenaline rush through our entire bodies. You can actually feel it surging through you. It is our minds that fear feeling and expressing them, but there is nothing to fear. Try it and see for yourself.

One day I was sitting on my little veranda sharing the view with my little dog. I was not feeling good about myself at all that day, for I had failed to complete a task wanting and needing doing. I know this was due to a fear belief, but that didn�t give me much comfort at that time. Then I heard the most beautiful bird song coming from the sweetest little bird sitting on a nearby tree. I smiled and enjoyed coming back to the �now�. This dear little bird did not leave it with merely serenading me. As I sat, she flew very close and stopped for a quick chirp on the roof nearby, then skipped and flew over to the other side of me, then back to the other side, singing all the while. She flew around the side of the house and poked her head around to look at me, she then did this from behind a tree branch. This dear little bird sang and danced all about me, she was a pure delight. I felt our interaction, I felt her come to spend time with me, I felt her happiness and joy of being alive. This dear little bird moved me greatly.

But I didn�t know what breed she was, for I knew what I felt from her but wanted to see what my �animal speak� book said about this animal spirit. I telephoned a nearby bird store and had a most delightful conversation with the lady there. She, like me was delighted and moved by this little bird�s actions. After describing her I was told she was a female cardinal, who must be only having a very short break from her nesting duties. So our meeting was a chance one.

When I looked up messages of cardinal I beamed, for it is exactly what this little bird had shown me. It matters not what we do, for everything we do is important. Everything we, as human beings do as we go about our days has an impact on the world we live in. Just as experiences and feelings are neutral, so is the act of actually selecting and undertaking them. Everything we do is learning, so how can it be more or less important to experience and feel the sunshine, a brush on our skin, drive to the mailbox, get a new job, or see a face light up when we smile at them.

They are each of value for themselves, yet we forget to value them. It is not more or less important that we experience poverty or wealth, that we lead quiet or hectic lives, that we are a success or failure. What is important is the experience, for it is that and only that which we continually grow from.

No I am not saying that to sit back and accept poverty as a way of life. What I am saying is that poverty in itself is a very important learning experience (this issue is discussed in a later chapter). Think of all the possibilities. What are the issues poverty is forcing us to face about ourselves, our environment, our place in the world? It is an event to prompt growth. That is all.

Through experience we learn and grow. It is up to us to decide what experiences we do and do not want in our lives. If poverty is an issue we may choose to look into this issue, explore the reasons behind it, change ourselves therefore changing our lives.

You could say work is more important than play. I ask why? Are they both not very different learning triggers? By saying each experience is equal I am not saying we should do one in place of another. We have choices in everything. We are in control of what we want in our lives, as I hope you will come to believe as you work through this book.


The Road to Integrity by Janet Lee


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