I don't want your pity, and I don't want your smile
I want you to turn away, ignore me for a while… 

The noise washed over the young man, swirled and sucked around him like a bizarre, frothing surf. The force of it pulled him further into the room; carried him in with the same irrefutable tow of an outgoing tide, then left him adrift at the leading row of tables. He tilted his head, and surreptitiously scanned the crowded cafeteria, making note of the various conversations taking place amongst the tightly packed groups of students. 

His eyes alighted upon a shadowed figure seated at the back of the room. The young man sighed quietly to himself as he took in the aching solitariness of that single person, a point of belligerent silence in an otherwise gleefully boisterous atmosphere. It held itself aloof behind a wall built equally of sarcasm and disdain, seemingly glorifying in its ability to be alone in a room filled with people. 

The young man's lips pursed, and his gaze grew thoughtful. A single, hesitant step started him on a path that led him through a torturous maze of tables, chairs, and a brightly clothed, gaily chattering crowd of SeeD cadets. His pace slowed as he neared the invisible boundary that existed between his target and the rest of the crowd. Fingers clenching nervously, he mocked himself for his cowardice and continued to move forward, till he was standing by the other's side. 

The target, a slightly older youth with close-cropped dark blonde hair and bitterly cold eyes, glared balefully up at him from his seated position. The cruel frown on his face pulled at a scar that ran diagonally from just above his left eye to an inch below his right. The gray trench coat he wore looked rumpled, slept in. The aluminum can he held in his left hand pinged in soft warning as his grip began to crush it. 

Running his hand through his spiked blonde bangs, the young man gave a forced grin, and gestured to the empty chair. "Yo, mind if I sit?" 

In a voice made harsh from disuse and anger, Seifer snarled, "Leave me the hell alone, Chicken-wuss." 

I hear them talking about me, I know what they say
That I haven't a heart, that I drove him away
So maybe I'm lost, and I've no clue s'what to do
One thing I do know, I won't ever need you… 

Zell blithely ignored him and sat anyway. "Wish I could, but this table is the only one left with an empty seat." He quirked one eyebrow upward, and his grin turned into something slightly more honest. "Now I wonder why that is…" 

"I know you're a moron, so what part of *leave* *me* *alone* didn't you understand?" Seifer sat his drink down, the can now sporting a much more conclave form. He resumed his earlier activity, staring ruthlessly at an undefined point across the room. For all he cared, the man sitting next to him had ceased to exist. 

Unfortunately, he had failed to inform Zell of this. The young man leaned his elbow casually on the table, resting his chin in the palm of his hand. He narrowed his eyes, and followed Seifer's gaze. "Since when have I ever done what ya told me?" 

His only answer was an irritated scowl. 

Fingers unconsciously tracing the curves of his tattoo, the young man looked thoughtfully at the scene that was holding Seifer's undivided attention. In the distance, a young couple sat at another table, staring soulfully at one another. The woman, a dainty thing with a beautiful fall of raven hair and eyes as dark and deep as twilight, said something, causing her companion, a young man with carelessly cut chestnut hair and eyes of a dreamy hazel shade, to laugh, the scar which marred his features scarcely visible. 

The woman reached out her arms and caught her companion's hands, pulling them towards her. The man tried to pull away, but she only smiled gently at his efforts, and changed her grip. She turned his hands over and lifted them towards her face, placing a soft kiss in the cup of each palm. The man whispered a single word, and the woman nodded. With infinite care she intertwined his hands with hers, and placed all four over her heart. 

"Bastard!" Seifer hissed, his features frozen in a mask of fury. 

Watching the scene unfold, Zell's grin faded, and he looked away, turning his attention once more to his tablemate. "Which one?" 

"What?" The older man jerked, having forgotten his audience. 

"Well, I'm curious. Which one are you cussin' at? Which one's got you so filled with jealousy you're practically green?" 

"… You make about as much sense as a chocobo; qwark squawk kwerk all the time." Shrugging dismissively, Seifer prepared to ignore the irritating brat once more. He thought he was doing a fair job at it until the other's words finally clicked together, causing him to see red. 

"Guess I'll have ta say it more clearly," Zell said crisply. "What are you so angry about? That Squall's with Rinoa, or that Rinoa's with Squall?" 

I don't have time for lectures; I need to pay my dues
There's things I must be doing, and I don't have time for you
So step out of my way, learn to let me pass
In the end it's all the same, you're just part of my past... 

With a swiftness that belied his cultivated slumped posture, Seifer reached over and grabbed the smaller blonde by his throat, fighting off the urge to simply crush the other's trachea. A distant part of his mind marveled at how cold his anger had become, when once it had been a fiery, warm, driving emotion. He noted the way Zell's pulse thundered as his thumb pressed more firmly against the younger man's jugular vein, and watched in vague detachment as the normally pink lips of the other boy took on a bluish caste. "What, exactly, are you implying?" he asked stonily. 

Going against his natural impulse to struggle, Zell tried to hold still while the taller man slowly strangled him. He licked his lower lip, worried about the numbness he was feeling. Uncertainty gnawed at him, but he banished it as soon as he recognized it; he was too far along this course of action to easily back down. "I ain't implying nothin'," he wheezed, keeping his eyes locked on Seifer's, forcing back the gray haze that tried to obscure his vision. "Jus' asked a question. Must be hell seeing the only two people you care about gettin' together, and leaving you behind." 

Seifer blinked slowly, disbelieving. He released his chokehold and pushed the other boy away harshly. "You are so full of it. How many other people have you told this lie to?" 

With butterfly touches, Zell inspected his throat, wincing at the heat radiating from the bruised flesh. "How many people?" Bitterness laced his pained whisper. "Give me some credit. I've sorta figured out that no one listens to me, so what's the point in tryin' t' talk to them?" Across the room, the dark-haired couple leaned close together in a chaste kiss. Both boys flinched at the sight. Zell shook his head, and cast his gaze down. "Ah hell," he muttered thickly, watching as his hands clenched the faded denim of his shorts, "who'm I tryin' ta fool? I can't even talk to *you*. I shoulda known better. 

"Look," he said softly, carefully avoiding looking into the other youth's face, his voice sounding tired and defeated. "You win. I guess I was wrong, like always…" he trailed off, focusing on the partially crushed can. "It's obvious you're exactly where you want to be. So I'll, umm, be going. …Bye." 

He wasn't sure what prompted him, but as the tattooed boy slowly started to stand, Seifer grabbed him by the back of his shirt, and yanked him back down. "Wait…" 

It's not like I'm lonely, or bored, or confused
I'm just sick of his games, of feeling so used
I don't quite know how, and I'm not quite sure when
I'll lower my shields, and learn to trust again… 

Zell's brilliant crystal blue eyes widened in shock, staring down dazedly at the arm that was now resting between his back and the chair. "Wha?" he questioned blankly, while his mind tried to make sense of the changed situation. 

Realizing that it looked suspiciously like he was hugging the younger boy, Seifer released his grip on the soft white tee shirt and jerked his arm back. He slouched lower down into his chair, and scowled back across the room. "What gave you the idea that I care for that self-absorbed, duty-bound wimp?" 

Straightening his shirt, Zell was slow to answer. When he did, it was in a soft, careful tone. "Your 'posse' isn't what it used t' be. Both Fujin and Raijin have found others to be with, and more often than not, you're excluded from their activities." 

"They are loyal to me!" Seifer snarled, and his left hand clenched menacingly. 

"Loyal, yes, for now, and likely forever. But look," Zell implored, pointing towards a table in the center of the cafeteria. "They've found other people to love as well--love more than just as a best friend. It was bound to happen sooner or later; I'm surprised they remained single for as long as they did." 

Seifer sat stiffly, watching the two couples talking animatedly at one another. Fujin was snuggled into the crook of a dark-haired man's arm, gesturing excitedly at Raijin, who was bashfully holding hands with a short, plain girl who wore her long brown hair in a precise braid. His mouth dropped open as Fujin, violent focused Fujin, smiled and laughed delightedly at something the mousy young girl said. 

"But, but I, I always thought they were an item…" He tugged at his trench coat fretfully, unable to tear his gaze from his two friends. 

"Raijin and Fujin?" The short blonde would have snickered if the tableau hadn't so closely paralleled his own situation. "They're best friends Seifer. They're like brother and sister; they've been together their entire lives…" 

The older youth shook his head, trying to deny what he was hearing. He berated himself for misjudging the situation so badly for so many years. Of course he knew the two loved each other like family; why he had automatically assumed they were involved romantically, he couldn't remember. "I--guess, but they're still my posse." 

"Of course, but now its membership is five." Cocking his head to one side, Zell studied the two couples closely. "But it won't last. They'll always welcome you, but face it, from now on, you'll just be a third wheel. Extra baggage. And I think you know that, and already resent it." 

"What the hell do you know about it?" Seifer raged, anger and confusion mixing together into some emotion he couldn't name, but welcomed nonetheless, for it was warming. "Where do you get off buttin' into my personal business?" 

It was a question with too many answers. Zell had thought it over himself, wondering if he was doing the right thing. He knew the pain of self-examination, and although he wished he could spare anyone else the agony of it, he also knew that sometimes it was the only way to move on with your life. It was obvious to him that Seifer was living in the past, nursing old grudges and trying to keep control of old ties with the single-mindedness of a man afraid to face the future. 

"It's my business too. Or didn't you notice who that is Raijin's hanging all over?" 

The scarred young man took a closer look at the braided girl. It took a few moments before he placed her. "Hey, isn't that Nina the librarian girl that was always after…" he faltered, unsure of how to finish. He'd made so many wrong assumptions, he was afraid of making yet another one. 

Zell finished the sentence sourly. "The one that acted like she had the world's biggest crush on me? Yeah, that's her." 

"Acted?" 

"Of course. You don't think anybody would actually *like* me, do ya?" He ran one hand through his stiffly spike bangs, and shifted agitatedly in his seat. "F'r months she sends me notes, flirts with me in the library, heck, even dances with me at a few formal SeeD functions. Then, right before we break into Lunatic Pandora," he glanced through lowered lashes at the man sitting next to him, aware of how that could be a sore point for Seifer. The taller boy actually gave a small wry twist of his lips in acknowledgment and gestured for him to continue. 

"Well, we were in Balamb trying t' track down the Queen of Cards when I hear that Nina's been looking for me. Finally ran into her at the inn. And instead of wishin' me luck in saving the world, or even a small 'be careful', do you know what she wanted?" Zell furiously punched his thigh, surprised that he was still so very angry at an incident several months in the past. "She wanted money. Said she'd heard my family was rich, and that her father had gambling debts that were past due. All that time she was just pretendin' t' like me, so I would pay off her poppa's bookie." 

"That's--cold," Seifer murmured, astonished at how bad he felt for the younger boy. The scarred youth knew he had a cruel streak, but the utter ruthlessness Nina's plan possessed was beyond his comprehension. "I hope ya told her off." 

"Are you kidding?" The shorter boy's face was pale and pinched in misery. "I can barely tell *you* off, and you've mocked and ridiculed me almost every day for the past 4 years. What do you think I did? I gave her the money, wished her well, then went home and locked myself in my room. Which, by the way, did absolutely no good since Squall came pounding on my door 15 minutes later tellin' me it was time t' leave." Seifer found himself shivering from the utter desolation in Zell's next statement. "Y' know, she hasn't talked to me since." 

I know I'm missing something, that I'm somehow incomplete
As I wander down the middle of the empty, barren street
But I will not ask directions, for I need to find my way
Back to where I'm welcomed, back to someplace I can stay… 

Seifer was at a loss. He had spent his entire life holding himself aloof from others, convinced that he was an entirely selfish creature. The first cracks to his mind set had come when he first met Rinoa. Her innocence and naiveté had plucked a resounding cord in him; left him shaking and aching and scared beyond reason. She had been the first person, not to need him, but to gladly, joyously admit she needed him. She had enjoyed his company, and of all the people that he had known, she was the only one that understood what he was trying to say beneath his rough, awkward speech. Now he was confronted with someone who had once been just as innocent and naive, and Seifer found himself suddenly wanting to comfort the younger man. To try and restore some of the life-loving vibrancy Nina had stolen with such mercenary precision. ~What the hell's wrong with me? I couldn't possibly want Zell t' need me…could I?~ 

Zell hugged his chest tightly, and looked back to the original couple sitting across the room. "Sorry for dumpin' on ya, man." 

"It's okay," Seifer replied slowly. "I just don't know why you're telling this t' me, instead of one of your friends." 

"Haven't cha been listening?" The tattooed boy chuckled ruefully. "I don't have any friends." 

"But…" the taller youth's confusion grew, "what about Squall, and the rest of them?" 

"What about them?" Zell answered back acerbically. "Selphie has Irvine, Quistis hangs around with Xu, and as for Squall and Rinoa... Don't you get it? We're both in the same boat. Everyone I've ever been close to has paired off, and they don't want me hanging around. They don't want *me* anymore, ya see? Heh, Irvine said it best, 'You're so childish, why don't you go pester someone else for a while?' Only, who else is there?" 

"You're lonely!" Seifer exclaimed in sudden understanding. 

"Damn straight I am. So I figured, who best t' go pester than the only guy who's more of a pariah here at Garden than me?" 

"Yeah, well, it was a great idea, except for one tiny detail," the older boy explained sarcastically. "I don't want your company!" 

"No duh!" Twisting in his seat, Zell pointed an accusing finger at his tablemate. "Didn't I already admit I was wrong? You're Seifer, the great Sorceress' Knight, who's so full of himself that he doesn't need no one else. I've got it; ya don't hafta keep rubbing my nose in it!" 

Seifer reddened angrily, grabbing at the edge of the table hard enough to crack the cheap formica top. "Yes I do!" he hissed, "'Cause you sure ain't takin' the hint! And you still haven't told me why I should care about Squall!" 

"Why? Because he was the last one! The last person left talking to you, the only one willing t' spar with you. But he's the Commander, and he doesn't have time f'r *you* anymore. Rinoa made sure of that!" 

The anger twisting inside him settled into an icy, hurtful lump underneath his heart. The scarred boy let the piece of shattered tabletop drop to the ground. "How did you know that?" 

Zell gaped at the other boy. "Are you serious? The whole bloody Garden knows. If ya wanted t' keep it a secret, y' shouldn't have had your conversation over the intercom." 

"He had the intercom on?" Seifer asked, his voice almost pitched too low to hear. He covered his eyes with his hands, and took a deep breath, trying to silence the lost child inside him who wanted nothing more than to cry out in sorrow and despair. The cold ball in his center grew, and drove away the last lingering warmth his earlier fury had left behind. 

"Aw man, you didn't know?" Zell reached out to the slumped blonde, then let his hand drop. "I'm sorry--I didn't know…" He stood, and pushed his chair in. "I guess I've caused enough trouble f'r one day." 

Seifer remained hunched over as the younger man departed, his last words ringing in empty circles. "I'm *so* sorry!" 

There's not much I can do, and so little to say
To put things to rights and make wrongs go away
Why was I so bitter, so cruel, such a fool
As to drive you away; what I wanted was you… 

He remained there long after the dinner crowd departed. He had never imagined Squall hated him so much, would go to such lengths to humiliate him. He knew that his rival had yet to forgive him for his part in the Ultimecia mess, but he had been trying so hard to make amends. He had finally begun allowing himself to hope that he had re-earned his place in Garden; it was the only home he remembered, and it hurt that so many people had wanted him gone. 

He kicked forlornly at the mangled strip of formica underneath the table. Although he loved the Garden, he couldn't see any reason to stay there any longer. Zell had been right; he was absolutely friendless, and the longer he stayed, the more hollow his existence would become. ~Who woulda thought the Chicken-wuss would ever be right about something?~ he thought sardonically. He repeated the phrase again out loud, something about it bothering him. "Who woulda thought Zell'd be right?" 

Frowning, he drummed his fingers against the tabletop. ~That can't be, he couldn't be right. 'Cause if he was right about one thing…~ But once addressed, the idea could not be so easily dismissed. It had occurred to him earlier during the conversation, the fact that he wanted to be needed. It was the motive that drove him to help Rinoa, and it was what had delivered him into the clutches of the Sorceress. And that night, Zell had practically admitted that he needed a friend, needed *him*. And thoughtlessly, he had drove the younger man off. 

~Maybe it's not too late~ he thought hopefully, standing away from the table. He exited the cafeteria and walked to the dormitory, expecting to find Zell in his room. He knocked loudly on the door, then waited. When no one answered, he tried the door handle, only to find it unlocked. Seifer gently opened the door, and peered around the darkened room, but no one was there. ~Well, perhaps he's in the training center…~ 

But the scarred young man failed to find his quarry there either. He began to grow more desperate in his search as he first checked the library, then the entrance, and then the infirmary. He was running out of places to look. In the distance, he spotted Quistis walking with another woman. He ran up to them, then cleared his throat to gain their attention. 

"Instructor!" 

Quistis turned around, as did the other woman, who proved to be none other than Xu. Seifer clenched his fists, barely taking note of the way his fingernails dug into the gunblade calluses on his palms. Once again he cursed himself for a fool. ~Why didn't I see that they were a pair? How could I have been so blind?~ 

"Seifer?" Quistis questioned, blinking owlishly behind her thick-lensed glasses. 

The black-haired Xu laughed harshly. "Why if it isn't Balamb Garden's own prodigal son! Still trying to make SeeD, Almasy?" 

The tall blonde man ignored her, and focused his attention on the other woman. "Please Quistis, do you know where Zell is?" 

She looked in surprise over to her companion, who raised one jet eyebrow in reply. Quistis turned back to the young man in front of her. "Why do you want to know? Going to go pick on him to make yourself feel better?" 

"No!" he exploded before he could rein in his temper. He needed her help, and he knew he wouldn't get it if he managed to alienate her any further. "I--just need to talk to him. If you know where he is, please tell me. I've been searching all over and can't find him." 

Quistis prided herself on being a good judge of character, and for once, she could recognize sincerity in Seifer. Praying she was making the right decision, she replied. "Have you tried checking the Quad?" 

"The Quad? Why would he be…" he shook his head. "That doesn't matter, I'll find out soon enough." He gratefully grabbed the blue-eyed woman's hand and shook it enthusiastically. "Thanks Instructor! I won't forget this!" Nodding to Xu, he sprinted away from the two very confused women. 

It had been quite some time since he'd been to the Quad; since his return, social functions had held little appeal for him. He hadn't realized how much damage it had sustained during the battle with Galbadia Garden. ~Yet another thing I need to make amends for~ he thought sadly. He scanned the park-like area, and halted abruptly when he saw the large yellow lump on the ground. 

Walking closer, he realized that the lump was in actuality the scruffiest, brightest chocobo he had ever laid eyes on. Its feathers stuck out in haphazard formations, and its crest was so full that parts of it drooped. Tucked against its side underneath one wing, sound asleep, was Zell. As Seifer moved closer, the chocobo blinked one searing azure eye and chirped in warning. 

The sound partially roused Zell from his slumber, and he languidly stroked his hand through the chocobo's crest. "S'okay boy, nothing's there. G' back t' sleep." He was once again snuggling down when deep male laughter jarred him fully awake. 

"However did you manage not ta get eaten by monsters?" Seifer sniggered, sitting down next to the chocobo. 

"Seifer?" Zell blushed as much in confusion as in embarrassment at being caught napping with the large avian. "What are you doing here?" 

"I think I should be asking you the same question. Who's the bird?" 

"Boko," the younger boy answered, his blush deepening. The chocobo cooed at the sound of its name. "Squall picked him up while we were traveling, then lost interest in him. He was just a chick at the time--he needed someone t' take care of him. He's grown up now, but they're social creatures… He gets lonely, so I make sure t' come visit him whenever I can. I've tried leaving him in one of the chocobo forests, but the silly thing always finds its way back to the Garden." 

"He must like you." 

"Yeah, well, what do ya expect from a birdbrain?" the tattooed boy said lightly, shrugging off the compliment. 

Seifer stared at the smaller boy, noting with dismay the dark bruises that mottled the pale throat. He hadn't realized how badly he was hurting Zell at the time, and was amazed that the other boy had just sat there and allowed him to do it. Awkwardly he reached out, and with one light finger traced over the bruises, trying to gauge the extent of the damage. "I'm sorry," he said brokenly. He tried not to flinch when the younger boy's warm breath tickled against the fine hairs of his arm. 

"Then I guess we're even." Zell shifted position, moving away from the slightly painful touch. 

The scarred boy moved in closer, ignoring the sudden tensing of the other youth. "Not quite. You were right." 

Two pairs of sapphire eyes stared into Seifer's own wintery hued ones. "You've got t' be kiddin'. I ain't never been right." Zell leaned into the comforting heat of Boko's side. "Umm, right about what?" 

"I'm lonely." The admission hurt more than he thought it would, but caused the icy patch in his chest to withdraw, giving him more freedom to breath. "And I would very much like your company." 

Zell stared at him unblinking, and Seifer trembled at the amount of sheer honesty in that gaze. A gust of wind caught his coat and set it fluttering, and its icy touch caused him to shake harder. He had never learned how to handle another's regard. 

"You cold?" the small blonde boy asked. 

"It doesn't matter," Seifer averred. 

Sighing in exasperation, Zell held out the downy wing he was sheltered behind. "Of course it matters. Take off that ridiculous coat and get over here before you freeze. A lot of good all this talkin' will do ya if ya wind up frozen t' death." 

He hesitated for just a moment, then threw off his coat and moved in beside Zell. Hesitation had cost him so many opportunities in the past; he wanted to move on. The other boy squirmed against him until he found a comfortable position, then gently settled the wing over both of them. Surrounded by incredible heat, Seifer finally allowed himself to relax, releasing a tension that had become so pervasive lately that he had learned to ignore it. The small cold spot next to his heart, unable to bear such blazing warmth, shriveled up and vanished. 

There's so much I would tell you, so much I would show
Of the things I am feeling, the truths you should know
Yet in the warmth of your smile there's thing's I can't see
Why love, oh why do you put up with me? 

Seifer ran his hand slowly through Zell's bangs, teasing the soft strands carefully between his fingers. The pale blond hair was incredibly fine, and even with the care he was taking a few of the strands snagged on his calluses. The younger boy winced good-naturedly, then mock-frowned when the larger man began quietly laughing. 

"What's so funny?" 

"You and Boko have the exact same hair style. And you always wondered why I kept calling you a chick?" 

Zell thought about getting angry, then saw the humor in the situation. He began giggling, and soon the Quad rang with the laughter of two young men and the shrill warks of the chocobo that sheltered them. 

I think I want your love, and I live to make you smile
I beg you not to turn away, stay with me for a while… 

~end~