lotr



		This is the Fake Lord of the rings script, it dosent cover the whole movie though, so if you want to add something on to the end, just e-mail me the addition at [email protected], or just click the little e-mail button below. You can write it out in the box provided before you send if you wish.

	Unofficial Unofficial Script (Posted on The White Council - tolkienonline.com MB) Peter Jackson's LORD of the THINGS Part 1: A long-expected party. The screen is DARK. [from Moriarty's script review:] FRODO (V.O.) When we turn away from the darkness of our past to take comfort in our peaceful lives, we sometimes forget how dearly that peace was bought. But there is much worth remembering in the darkness... BILBO lights a torch. reveals SLIPPERS. BILBO My slippers! There they are! I almost forgot them in the darkness! BILBO switches off lights. CUT to SECOND AGE, big battle. Lots of ELVES, lots of HUMANS, lots of ORCS. they FIGHT. It is EXCITING. A big scary guy gets his finger chopped off. ISILDUR picks it up with a RING on it, and there is much rejoicing. ORCS shoot him with arrows and the RING falls into nearby river. There is much angst. FRODO (V.O.) Thus a Third Age of Middle-earth began. History became legend... legend became myth. And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. cut to darkness. BILBO comes back into room and lights torch. He is NOT WEARING SLIPPERS.. BILBO Now where did I put my slippers... BILBO looks around, there are no slippers BILBO Oh, what I silly old goat I am, I seem to have lost my slippers! BILBO wanders off. CUT TO NEXT MORNING. It is a PARTY. People are HAPPY AND EXCITED. BILBO Everyone looks so happy and excited! FRODO Hi, Uncle Bilbo. Why, you are one hundred and eleven today, and you don't look a day over fifty! BILBO Thanks, young Frodo. Ever since I picked up that ring, I haven't seemed to age a day... OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS. Zoom in on FRODO's shocked face. BILBO But don't worry, young FRODO, I'm sure nothing bad will happen when I give the ring to you. OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS AGAIN FRODO I'm sure everything will be fine. Let's go join the party! They DO. They have FUN. BILBO I would like to make a speech! Everyone CHEERS. BILBO I like some of you half as much as I know half of you three fourths of a large number of you seem to be a fraction of who you are! Everyone looks CONFUSED. BILBO disappears. Everyone CHEERS. Cut to BILBO'S ROOM. GANDALF is there, smoking a pipe and sitting on a rocking chair. GANDALF I am old and grey and weathered, but I am a great wizard underneath. BILBO Yes, you certainly are. Here, have a ring. BILBO tries to hand GANDALF the ring. GANDALF No! I cannot be allowed to touch it! GANDALF touches it. BILBO I will leave it on this table! BILBO doesn't. GANDALF Leave it on the table! BILBO does. He leaves. GANDALF hits head on rafters. GANDALF Ouch! Cut to GANDALF AND FRODO. GANDALF Bye, Frodo! FRODO Bye, Gandalf! GANDALF hits head on roof. GANDALF Ouch! GANDALF leaves. Years pass. GANDALF comes back. GANDALF Hi, Frodo! FRODO Hi, Gandalf! GANDALF You know the ring Bilbo gave you? It is evil! GANDALF hits head on rafters. GANDALF Ouch! FRODO Is it really? Here, have a rediculously long sandwich! GANDALF eats sandwich. GANDALF Yes, it is! Here, give it to me! GANDALF takes ring and throws it in fire. Ring melts. GANDALF Oops, well, I guess it's just a thing now. GANDALF pulls thing from fire. FIERY INSCRIPTION shows. FRODO What does it say? GANDALF It's an ancient text, it says SFIIhifhASFKKHNMASINH. But before it melted, it said: One thing to fool them all! One thing to blind them! One thing to bring them all! And in the theatre find them! FRODO What does it mean? GANDALF It's an ominous rhyme. Nobody knows what it means. FRODO cool. [Posted by Radagast] Part 2: A Shadow of the Past FRODO looks at GANDALF and STARES BLANKLY FRODO Umm... how did you know to look for the writing if you don't know what it means? GANDALF When you get to be my age, sonny, you will learn a thing or to. Now, you see, back in my day, we had to toss things like this one into volcanoes just to see the writing. Of course, we were kids back then, and the things usually said all sorts of strange phrases, like "Mr. Richard Head is a dolt" and "Up with miniskirts." Hmmm... I never did get that last one. Anyway, you young people have it too easy! Just toss the thing in the fire and poof! You get the writing. It's just not fair, and - Frodo? Frodo? FRODO is DOZING OFF GANDALF Jumping Hobbits! That boy just can't listen! GANDALF SMACKS FRODO ON THE HEAD FRODO Ah? What? Oh, yes... A most interesting tale Gandalf, and I do hope it works out for you. GANDALF That's not what I was saying! FRODO Of course not! GANDALF Anyway, let me tell you everything I know about this here thing. FRODO (LOOKS CONFUSED) Huh? I thought you said that you knew nothing about it? GANDALF I lied. Anyway, this thing comes from a long ago age... An age of magic - and mystery FRODO INTERRUPTS I thought THIS was the age of magic and mystery? GANDALF Oh, be quiet! Anyway, this thing comes from an age of even more magic and mystery... It was a dark time upon the land, for the Lord of the Rings was afoot... FADES TO BLACK OMINIOUS MUSIC BEGINS and CRIES OF BATTLE SCENE CUTS TO SECOND AGE BATTLE SCENE AGAIN GANDALF (v.o) It was a time of trouble in Middle Earth. You see, the Dark Lord, Sauron - although we used to call him Old Red Eye, but that's another story - was engaged in a terrible battle with the Free People of Middle Earth. It was a ghastly and bloody affair, and, on the whole, not much fun. FRODO (v.o) Uh, didn't we see this before? GANDALF (v.o.) Quiet, you! Anyway, as the battle raged on, Sauron had no choice but to show himself and engage the heroes in mortal combat... ZOOMS IN to GIL-GALAD and ISILDUR near the DARK TOWER GIL-GALAD has large, POINTED EARS, and is wearing a TURBAN. He is wielding a HUGE SPEAR. ISILDUR is a brawny MAN. BOTH look CLEANCUT as if they have not even seen battle and just walked into Mordor without a problem. GIL-GALAD Where is that Sauron? I wish to smite him with my spear, for it is the spear that is destined to smite Sauron, and he shall have no choice but to come forth for his smiting! ISILDUR Yes, I too wish to smite him, but we must await our moment. METAL CLANGING SOUND as the GATES of the DARK TOWER OPEN GIL-GALAD Look, foresooth, the Enemy comest! ISILDUR Yes, he indeed comest, and we had best smite him! SAURON MARCHES OUT OF THE DARK TOWER ISILDUR Look! Is that a great, blue blender with spines? Is that our Enemy? GIL-GALAD Yes, indeed it is. For it is written that He shall have great spines, blue armor and look like a kitchen appliance gone wild. ISILDUR May the Valar have mercy upon us! We are doomed! GIL-GALAD You always say that! It is becoming annoying! Look, he approacheth! SAURON draws near GIL-GALAD and ISILDUR. SAURON towers over the other two, and indeed looks like a blue metal blender with spines and a single red eye. SAURON Hahahahahaha! I am the Lord of all Evil! I will eat your souls! GIL-GALAD Nay, you shall eat our steel! Battle begins and ends the same way as before. SAURON DIES and the THING is chopped off his hand. FADES TO BLACK CUT back to FRODO and GANDALF FRODO Wow! That was cool! GANDALF Yes, but then Isildur was killed and the Thing was lost. But now it is found and I fear for us all! FRODO Um... You still haven't said why! GANDALF Because the Thing is the source of the Enemy's powers! If he gets it again, we are all doomed! And he grows stronger with each passing day, until he shall conquer all of Middle Earth! FRODO That sucks! GANDALF takes out a PIPE and puts PIPEWEED in it GANDALF I used to smoke this, but then I learned that smoking is bad for your health. Since I am so wise and cool, I should not smoke since that sets a bad example. GANDALF THROWS PIPE in the FIRE. A cloud of SMOKE rises up and FRODO and GANDALF start COUGHING (AFTER they stop coughing) FRODO Well, what shall we do? Can't we just destroy the Thing so that nobody gets it? GANDALF No, nothing can melt it... Nothing except... The FIRES OF MOUNT DOOM LIGHTNING and THUNDER FRODO That's odd... it's sunny outside... GANDALF Yes, but it's not sunny at... MOUNT DOOM!! LIGHTING and THUNDER again BOTH are SILENT SOUNDS of a LAWNMOWER outside GANDALF What's that sound? FRODO Oh, that's just Sam. He mows my lawn now and then. Here, would like a ridiculously long sandwich? FRODO hands SANDWICH to GANDALF FRODO Well, I guess we are doomed. What shall we do? [Posted by freaqboy] GANDALF munches happily on his second rediculously large sandwich. GANDALF You must leave, leave here now, with the ring! You must hide it! FRODO Aww, do I have to? GANDALF Yes, it all started so long ago... CUT TO SECOND AGE GANDALF(vo) When the armies of elf and man made their last stand... FRODO This is the third time you've said this! CUT back to BAG END GANDALF I did? Oh... GANDALF stops and listens... hears NOTHING. Suddenly, he rushes to the window and PULLS IN SAM GAMGEE! FRODO It's Sam Gamgee! GANDALF rushes to the cupboard and pulls out PIPPIN TOOK! FRODO It's Pippin Took! GANDALF opens a trunk and pulls out MERRY BRANDYBUCK! FRODO It's MERRY BRANDYBUCK! GANDALF opens the oven and pulls out A POT ROAST! FRODO it's a pot roast! GANDALF opens the laundry hamper and pulls out SARUMAN! FRODO It's Dracula! CHRISTOPHER LEE AKA SARUMAN hisses, turns into a bat and flies out. SAM, MERRY, PIPPIN and the POT ROAST remain. GANDALF So, I caught the four of you spying, didn't I? SAM Don't kill me Mr. Wizard sir! PIPPIN There's only three of us... GANDALF Listen when I talk to you, you spies! What are you doing sneaking about Bag End here? MERRY We wanted to make sure Frodo was alright... SAM Actually, I just wanted to see Mr. Frodo naked... PIPPIN shushes SAM and looks innocent. GANDALF Alright then, if you four are so worried about Mr. Frodo, you can all accompany him! Now I must be off soon, but I'll be back before you leave! See you later! GANDALF takes a rediculously long sandwich for the road, and hits his head on the way out. GANDALF Ouch! CUT TO FRODO, MERRY, PIPPIN, SAM and the POT ROAST sitting around a table plotting their escape from Hobbiton... [Posted by Diamond of Long Creek] A SHORT CUT TO MUSHROOMS (or: MRS MAGGOT'S PASSION) And so our four intrepid hobbit-heroes leave Hobbiton and trek across the Shire. Sam is carrying a heavy load on his head. Pippin is carrying 'The Good Pub Guide to the Four Farthings'. PIPPIN I want to stop at the Golden Perch, it's got the best beer in the South Farthing! FRODO Pippin, you've got ale on the brain. MERRY I've just stepped in a puddle! We must be in the Marish! FRODO Oh no. I fear we are about to face a deadly peril. PIPPIN You mean - Farmer Maggot's four terrifying Yorkshire terriers who yip around one's ankles and could probably rip out Carcharoth's guts in single combat??? FRODO No. I mean a deadlier peril even than they! PIPPIN (eyes wide with horror) Oh no! Not ... not the Nazgul? FRODO Name them not! SAM No, indeed they must not be named! MERRY I haven't the faintest idea what you people are talking about. FRODO It's OK, Merry. We haven't actually seen a Nazgul. In fact, I don't even know what they are. We haven't got to that part of the story yet. SAM I think we did, sir, a few pages back. FRODO Oh. Oh well. We jumped forward. It's a clean lift so that's OK. Anyway, there's Mrs Maggot's passion to face now and that is a far deadlier peril. PIPPIN Mrs Maggot's passion? FRODO (darkly) We hobbits are crazy for mushrooms, Pip. Mrs M is crazy for hobbit-boys. PIPPIN (face brightening) Oh ... IS she now? FRODO Believe me, Pip, you DON'T want to go there. PIPPIN Oh yes, I do! FRODO Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Why do you think I've not dared go near Maggot's farm since I was in my Tweens? I tried to pinch some mushrooms from his field when I was a kid at Brandy Hall and that woman scared the life out of me! SAM (earnestly) It's OK, Mr Frodo, sir. If Mrs M starts any funny business with you, she'll have Sam Gamgee to contend with. MERRY Behold, she approaches! MRS MAGGOT appears in front of a cosy farmhouse. MRS MAGGOT (leering) Fancy some mushrooms do we, lads? The four HOBBITS glance quickly at each other. FRODO See what I mean? SAM What shall we do, sir? FRODO RUN!!!! They all run away from the lascivious Mrs Maggot, apart from Pippin. Merry runs back and grabs Pippin. PIPPIN (pouting) Ohhhh ... spoilsports! [Posted by Celebrim] EXTERIOR: SYLVAN WOOD FRODO I wonder where Gandalf has gotten to? Sound effects of a horse trotting in this direction. All hobbits cock their heads to listen. MERRY Maybe that�s Gandalf. Creepy ominous music begins to play. The sounds of the trotting horse become thunderous. Heavy breathing his heard. There are gunshots. Pippin looks at a small glass of water and sees waves forming in it. FRODO: Somehow, I don�t think that that is Gandalf. And if it is, I want to surprise him and give him a weggie for making me worry about him. Let�s hide! All hobbits get off road and hide under a bank. A NAZGUL appears on a fire breathing horse. NAZGUL (breathing heavily): Baaaough pwoooo Baaaough pwoooo All the hobbits look really scared, but being under a bank can see nothing. The NAZGUL rides on. PIPPIN: I wonder what that was. MERRY: You really don�t want to know. The screen goes dark. A moment later words appear. They say, "INSERT SPECIAL EDITION HERE" EXTERIOR FARMLAND MERRY (holding a copy of the LotR) Boy, I don�t think I�ve ever been so glad to hear the words �clean lifts� before. According to this, we have totally avoided getting nearly killed by two Black Riders, a Willow Tree, and a Barrow Wight. SAM But, we also missed getting our swords. I wonder how that is going to turn out? PIPPIN Wait a minute, a willow tree? That sounds so cheesy. MERRY Well it worked well in the book. FRODO Also, we didn�t have Bombadil to give us the hook for the next stage of the quest. Where should we make for? PIPPIN (holding out a copy of �A Guide to the Inns of the Four Farthings and Associated Areas) Fortunately, we have this nifty plot device. Let me see. Oh, it says here that, "Four miles along the road we will come to upon a village, Bree under Bree-Hill, and that there is an inn, �The Prancing Pony�, with doors facing westward. Barliman Butterbur is the worthy keeper." MERRY(still holding his copy of LotR) Hmmm... that sounds familiar. Oh, I�m mean, "Yes, the Prancing Pony is a good inn by all accounts. Some of the Brandybucks ride out there now and again." They come to Bree. There is an in Inn with doors looking westward. EXTERIOR RAMADA INN (Close Up of A Sign with a Rampant Horse above the words �RAMADA INN�) SAM Look, the sign of the Prancing Pony. They Enter. INTERIOR RUSTIC INN: They see BARLIMAN. BARLIMAN Hi, I�m Barliman Butterbur. I should remember something, but I don�t. Would you like some beer while I try to remember? PIPPIN Great, I�m parched! FRODO Sorry, this is a family movie. No beer. PIPPIN Ahhh, but this is New Zealand! Pippin turns to Barliman. PIPPIN We�ll all have beers. They do. Merry and Pippin get blasted and sing Led Zeppelin in the background. Sam eats an enormously long sandwich. Frodo sees STRIDER. Strider is wearing a tattered black cloak and brown clothes. He looks rugged and handsome. He has a sheathed sword, and there is a surf board beside him. He wears a straw hat. STRIDER Oh, like, I�m called Strider. I�m not necessarily who I appear to be. FRODO I�m.. Fr.. I�m mean Mr. Underhill. I�m not necessarily who I appear to be, either. STRIDER (pointing to Merry and Pippin) Dude, if I were you I�d stop your young friends from talking too much. There are queer folk about. SAM I resent that remark! MERRY But if the Balrog had actually wings, it couldn�t have possibly fallen into the abyss! BREELANDER EXTRA #1 Ahh, but they don�t have to be functional wings! STRIDER Like, do something quick, dude, before they reveal something critical to the plot! Frodo takes out his ring and puts it on. He disappears. Everyone stops talking and turns and looks at where Frodo last was. Strider hits his forehead with his palm. STRIDER Doh! Frodo takes off his ring and reappears closer to Strider. FRODO Did that work? STRIDER In a manner of speaking. Six orcs, five evil looking villains, four trolls, three Nazgul, two Nazi SS, and Christopher Lee get up and leave the bar. Strider is left with only the hobbits. STRIDER Well, I think at least your secret is out, dude. Now I shall reveal mine. Everyone pauses with baited breath. Dramatic music plays. STRIDER I�m the male romantic lead. SAM That depends on your point of view. FRODO Really. Why should we take your word for this? STRIDER Well I am very roguish looking and handsome, aren�t I? Nevermind, I�m the best that they could do under the circumstances, so like, you are just going to have to live with it. I�m critical to the rest of the plot of the movie, so why don�t you take me along. [Posted by Radagast] SCENE cuts to GANDALF who is walking along the road, eating a ridiculously long sandwich. GANDALF (to himself) Hmmm... I think it's about time to do something heroic, lest the audiance think I am just an old guy who complains alot. THREE ORCS jump out from behind the bushes. They are GREEN with big TUSKS and GRUNT A LOT. ORC 1 Uhhh... Ooogggg... GANDALF Excuse me, did I hear that correctly? ORC 2 MMMGGGGG!!!! GANDALF looks at his watch and sayd Oh, my! Look at the time! I am afraid I will have to kill you now! GANDALF waves his staff and a cloud of fire erupts, killing all the ORCS. GANDALF snuffs out fires. GANDALF (to himself) Well, that was worth 300 experience points! Anyway, nothing more to see here folks, but remember - only you can prevent forest fires! GANDALF continues walking along the road. SCENE cuts to the DARK TOWER. Large throne, complete with ornate skulls, is sitting in a dark room full of flames and shadows. Big shadowy guy with armor and horns everywhere is sitting on the throne. He has one big red eye. The Mouth of Sauron is standing before him. MOUTH Um... Master, our forces have not yet found the Ring. Should we keep looking? SAURON DUH!!!! Yes, keep looking! What do think I pay you idiots for?! MOUTH Ummm... Yes, good point. MOUTH scurries off, leaving SAURON alone SAURON gets up from his throne and walks over to one wall. There, a nicely painted portrait of Aragorn is hanging, along with pictures of the other Kings of Gondor. SAURON (to himself) I have waited a long time for this moment to crush you... They never told you what happened to your father, but you will see! Soon, Aragorn, you will know that I am the Lord of All Evil and I will eat your soul! SAURON begins evil laughter while waving around an absurdly large sword. Scene fades back to GANDALF who is now reaching ORTHANC. GANDALF is standing at the gates of ISENGUARD. He seems a bit confused as to why there are huge gates there. GANDALF rings the doorbell A small portal opens on the door and a little man looks out. LITTLE MAN Nobody sees the great Saruman, no where and no how! GANDALF But I am Gandalf! LITTLE MAN Sauron's GANDALF! Well, that's a wizard of a different color! LITTLE MAN departs and the gates of ISENGUARD open. GANDALF walks inside. ISENGUARD is looking more than a bit evil. There are no trees, but instead pillars of metal with orcish curses painted on them. Smoke is everywhere. Orthanc looms like a tower of doom in the distance. LITTLE MAN You will have to leave your sandwich behind - we don't allow them here. GANDALF Wow... This place must be evil or something... GANDALF walks up to ORTHANC and rings the doorbell. SARUMAN steps out, wearing tie-dyed robes. SARUMAN I am SARUMAN. Come and enter of your own free will. They shake hands and walk inside. SARUMAN'S throne room looks a lot like SAURON's, but there are less skulls, shadows, and flames because he does not yet have the right to have such cool evilness. SARUMAN Anyway, I am evil now, just to warn you. GANDALF Uh, yeah. What did you do to your robes? SARUMAN Oh, these? Well, I got them done at a discount store that offered to make them all sorts of cool colors. GANDALF But aren't you Saruman the White? SARUMAN SHHHHH!!!! We can't say that! That's politically incorrect! Then they would want a black wizard! Sheesh! Anyway, I am now Saruman the Colorful! GANDALF I liked white better SARUMAN Oh, yeah, sure. Do you have any idea how hard it was to keep white robes clean in this filthy place! I went through a fortune in bleach. Well, that's beside the point. I brought you here to tell you to help me get the Ring or die. GANDALF Isn't that a bit blunt? I thought you were supposed to charm me into helping you. SARUMAN Yeah, well, I just don't feel like it. You gonna help me or am I gonna have to bash your head in? GANDALF Was Radagast involved in your little plan? SARUMAN Rada-who? GANDALF Never mind. Why are you doing this? Surely you realize that the Ring must be destroyed! If not, we are all doomed! SARUMAN Yes, but if we take the Ring for our own, we will be the bosses and get to have our own Dark Tower and tell people what to do! GANDALF That sounds tempting, but will there be any ridiculously long sandwichs? SARUMAN Of course not! GANDALF Then I cannot help you! You have become evil Saruman, evil and twisted! SARUMAN Yeah, I told you that at the beginning. GANDALF Maybe you did, maybe you didn't. Anyway, I will be leaving now SARUMAN Oh, I don't think so! SARUMAN picks up his staff and waves it at GANDALF GANDALF I see your staff is as big as mine. Let's see how well you handle it! MEANINGLESS STAFF BATTLE with magical explosions begins. In the end, GANDALF loses and is knocked out. SARUMAN Sleep lightly Gandalf. When you awake, you will be placed in my Roof of Easy Escapes!!!! SARUMAN begins laughing and the scene fades back to the merry wanders who are still looking for Nazgul... [Posted by locksley] (Unusual interlude): (A strange BEING appears on the set; his presence is an enigma. Dressed in a BLUE COAT and great YELLOW BOOTS, he appears to be quite ANGRY (though ANGER somehow seems very uncharacteric for the BEING) and is attempting to reach the STARTLED DIRECTOR.) "Irrelevant to the story!" he CRIES. "TOM will show YOU irrelevant!" (A beautiful WOMAN appears, her GOWN GREEN as new leaves. Her presence calms and comforts the UPSET BEING, and after a few moments, the two of them silently leave the set.) Everyone SCRATCHES THEIR HEADS for a few moments, then resume their filming ... [Posted by Hama] (Cut to scene on top of Orthanc. Gandalf is wandering about, hands behind him, wolves are howling below. An immense Eagle flies up. Emblazoned on its wings are two huge blue decals, and across each flank are the words 'MANWE AIRLINES'.) GWAIHIR: Hi there! I'm Gwaihir, fly me! GANDALF: Gwaihir, swiftest of eagles, can you bear me from this place. GWAIHIR: What's it worth? (Gandalf searches his pockets.) GANDALF: Half of a ridiculously long sandwich? GWAIHIR: You're on. GANDALF: Not yet, I'm not! (Clambers on and holds tight. Gwaihir takes off, and the wolves howl even more) GWAIHIR: Why do the wolves howl so? GANDALF: No trees in Isengard! (They fly off to Edoras, which looks remarkably like Helms Deep. Gwaihir leaves Gandalf at the gates. Hama is there. Hama says something incomprehensible in Rohirric, but then holds up a big black board with white lettering on it. The letters say 'WELCOME TO EDORAS, GANDALF!') GANDALF: What's with the board? HAMA: Subtitles! (Gandalf nods sagely. At that moment Eowyn flies past wearing only her underwear, quickly pursued by Grima Wormtongue with his arms out stretched. He is the spitting image of Benny Hill. (No relation to Bernard). As he runs past there is a brief snatch of 'The Benny Hill Show' theme music. Both Gandalf and Hama watch this for a moment and then look at each other again.) HAMA: So, what can I do for you! GANDALF: I need a horse! HAMA: Yes, horses, we got lots of that! So how are you going to pay for it! GANDALF: I have twenty thousand Gondorian credits. HAMA: Credits are no good out here. I need something more valuable. (Gandalf makes a pass with his hand.) GANDALF: Nevertheless, credits will do! HAMA: No, they won't! (Gandalf makes another pass with his hand.) GANDALF: Credits will do! HAMA: No, they won't! Why do you keep waving your hand about like that? What do you think you are, some kind of Wizard? Mind tricks don't work on me, I'm one of the Rohirrim! (Directors voice from the back. "Cut the silly dialogue, give him the horse, and get on with it!" Gandalf and Hama shrug at each other. Hama points at a horse, Shadowfax. Gandalf gets on it and rides off north.) GANDALF: Hi ho Shadow, away! [Posted by freaqboy] CUT TO four HOBBITS, STRIDER, and a POT ROAST riding on BILL THE PONY walking north of bree. Suddenly, they take a step forward and... CUT TO WEATHERTOP. Four HOBBITS, STRIDER, and a POT ROAST riding on BILL THE PONY look stunned. FRODO takes a step back and... CUT TO BREE. Frodo stands there alone. He is stunned. He is suddenly joined by Three HOBBITS, STRIDER, and a stunned looking POT ROAST riding on BILL THE PONY. They all stand there for a moment, then take a step north. CUT TO WEATHERTOP. Four HOBBITS, STRIDER, and a POT ROAST riding on BILL THE PONY look even more stunned. FRODO What in the name of Elbereth is the meaning of this? STRIDER Umm.. Like, I think it's a clean lift, man. Everything between Bree and Weathertop has been cut out. FRODO(Bright) Oh, OK! That makes sense now! EVERYONE LOOKS RELIEVED. STRIDER Now that we're, like, on weathertop, let's like set up camp right at the top within clear sight of everything up to several hundred miles away. They'll never expect it. STRIDER juts his chin forward and furrows his eyebrows. EVERYONE How manly! CUT TO four HOBBITS and STRIDER sitting around a campfire. In the back, BILL THE PONY is playing cards with the POT ROAST. BILL THE PONY Go fish. suddenly, FOUR NAZGUL step out into the clearing. They look MEAN and SINISTER. OMINOUS, SCARY MUSIC plays. EVERYONE I'm frightened! The NAZGUL step out and with a smooth, fluid motion, all four draw their SWORDS simultaneously, and swirl them in unison. Everyone CLAPS. The NAZGUL go into a spectacular tap-dancing sequence which leaves the HOBBITS on the floor, stunned with the fancy footwork and dancing ability of the terrible foursome. the HOBBITS draw their swords. the NAZGUL approach menacingly and BILL THE PONY wets himself. the LEAD NAZGUL charges and stabs FRODO with a dagger. FRODO Ouch! SAM We're doomed, MR. Frodo sir! There's no way we can get out of this. We'd need a miracle! SUDDENLY, a thundering sound like a herd of charging elephants can be heard in the distance. PIPPIN What's that? STRIDER Dude, I think it's like a miracle! SUDDENLY, a GREAT SHAPE comes flying out of the forest into the clearing! Sinew and muscle fly in a whirlwind, sending GIANT AXES and ELVEN SWORDS and BILL THE PONY flying towards the Nazgul! Two of the Nazgul, knowing they are beaten, tear off into the woods screaming like little schoolgirls. NAZGUL #1 and #2 AIEEEEEE! The WHIRLWIND OF MUSCLE beats off the remaining NAZGUL using PIPPIN TOOK as a bat. PIPPIN Ouch! FINALLY, the new arrival stands still. She is 6'4 and built like a CEMENT TRUCK. Her muscles have muscles. She is wearing a tight LEATHER BIKINI, tastefully done in autumnal colors. She wears a TURBAN. STRIDER See, guys, I knew you'd be surprised when you met my girlfriend! ARWEN(In a think Austrian accent) Aragorn my love! the two EMBRACE. the CRACKING OF BONES can be heard. ARAGORn squeals, and Arwen drops him. ARWEN Sorry about dat. ARWEN turns to hobbits. ARWEN I am Arwen the Barbarien, warrior princess and evenstar of der Elven people. I wear dis, der colors of autumn, to significify the fading of der proud race of de elven peoples. We is fading fast, but we still help der peoples of middle earth. Sometimes I photocopy my bum. SAM THE Arwen the Barbarien? PIPPIN The one with beauty unequalled in Middle Earth? MERRY The one who is like the evening to her people? FRODO The one who bare-handedly kills dragons? MERRY Which ones? FRODO All of them. ARWEN Der same. And now, along with Strider my eternal love, we must escape into der woods before der dark riders come back. ARWEN looks at FRODO. ARWEN You're hurt! Here, ride my horse! ARWEN bellows into the woods. A grey horse runs out. FRODO climbs onto the HORSE. the HORSE climbs onto ARWEN. They run off into the woods. STRIDER, the HOBBITS, BILL THE PONY and the POT ROAST follow... [Posted by Whistler] (Scene suddenly changes to a psychiatrist's office. Frodo is on the couch.) FRODO: Doctor, I have these terrible feelings of inadequacy. I've been trying to get in touch with my inner child, but other peoples' inner children keep threatening to beat me up and take my lunch money. I have these terrible headaches, and I'm nauseous all the time, and I think I have a fever blister coming. I've never been able to establish a healthy relationship with any woman other than my mother, who heaps this terrible guilt on my head because I didn't fulfill her dream of my becoming either a rabbi or the originator of a really great recipe for tuna casserole. I have this terrible fear of being sexually unattractive to women. I think about death all the time, and I wonder if life is just a meaningless void of horror and despair, like an evening at the Ice Capades. PSYCHIATRIST: I see. FRODO: Well, I don't! What am I talking about? This dialogue doesn't seem right for the story. And where am I? PSYCHIATRIST: New York, of course. It's the best place to be Jewish, neurotic, miserable and sexually frustrated. FRODO: I'm none of those things! Why are we interrupting the story? Where's the director? Where's PJ? PSYCHIATRIST: He's getting a root canal. Woody Allen is filling in. FRODO: Well, he's all wrong for this story! And I don't have time for analysis! PSYCHIATRIST: Ah, then! You don't feel inadequate? FRODO: Of course I do! I'm the ringbearer, for cryin' out loud! Who wouldn't be inadequate? PSYCHIATRIST: Tell me about your feelings. Let's do inadequacy first, then take the others alphabetically. FRODO: Do I have to keep wearing these glasses? The frames are just awful. PSYCHIATRIST: Whatever. FRODO: Well, I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, which in fact it is. And sometimes...hey! Are we in black and white? PSYCHIATRIST: Yes. Very artsy. You'll also notice, if you look around, that the room is filled with Freudian symbols, Art Deco and references to Ingmar Bergman. This is comedy, but it's comedy for really smart people. You watch it, then you discuss it over espresso. FRODO: That's too pretentious! As Liv says, it's just a movie. PSYCHIATRIST: It's not a movie! It's a film. FRODO: It was a movie when we started. And it wasn't an intellectual comedy. It was a fantasy. PSYCHIATRIST: Ah, fantasies! Yes, tell me about your fantasies. Don't be embarrassed. FRODO: Are you referring to Sam? Well, that's a load of Balrog droppings, pal! Darn that Ted Sandyman, shooting off his mouth! I'm outa here! (Frodo storms out) DIRECTOR: Cut! That's a wrap. Add a little Dixieland jazz, it'll be okay. Where's my wife? Gee, I hope she didn't miss the school bus! (Scene changes suddenly to whatever it should have been in the first place.

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