Lord of the Rings fake script, by me
Ok, this is for all the people that were horrified like me at how the movie changed the plot, so read this right before you watch the movie, and be glad the movie isn�t really all that bad. This is the original script, before it was edited for content Open on battlefield, lots of Orcs lots of elves, lots of humans, and the occasional hobbit filling in for the humans that were sick. Orc: ARG, IM DEAD! Elf: YEA that�s cause I killed you with my pointy sword! Another orc: But hey, Im dead too! Hobbit filling in for human: Yea that�s cause you tripped and fell off a cliff Narrarator: Then suddenly something happened!!! Sauron comes out of his black tower, Sauron looks like a metal porcupine, but with a big ol flail that looks really evil and menacing Isuldur: Look, its Sauron! Isuldur runs up and is about to smite Sauron with fury and might when Sauron swings his flail and hits himself in the face and falls over dead Sauron then pops and Isuldur looks kinda scared and dramatic while Sauron is poping Sauron: POP Isuldur sees the one ring on Saurons finger Isuldur: OOOOOOOOOOOOO shiny Isuldir takes the ring, and accidentally swallows it, chokes to death and falls into the river that suddenly appeared behind him and spits it out, the ring falls to the bottom of the river. As it falls, Deagol, who is training for the Olympic swimming team swims by and accidentally begins choking on the ring, he runs out of the river and spits out the ring as he dies and it lands on Smeagol. Smeagol becomes evil and hides in a cave, he drops the ring and an orc chokes on it, and when Bilbo runs by, the orc trips on Bilbo, and falls, lands on his chest, and coughs up the ring lands in Bilbo�s pocket Cut to: the Shire, at Bilbos birthday party Bilbo: Hi there, I want to give a speech Crowd: YAY SPEECH! Bilbo: I have always like more than half of you twice as much as less than half of the first more than half doubly deserved more than the less than half who deserved more than half as much as the first more than half deserved. Crowd: � Bilbo: Im going now, bye! Gandalf subtly sets off some fireworks by Bilbo and blows up the platform Bilbo is on and Bilbo goes flying through the air, and puts on the ring, lands at his house, and goes in Gandalf: He he, you went far Bilbo: you scorched my hat! Gandalf: He he, yea Bilbo: Well, see ya! Gandalf: wait gimme the ring Bilbo: Ok ill give you the ring Bilbo dosent give Gandalf the ring Bilbo: Well, see ya! Gandalf: wait, you didn�t give me the ring Bilbo: yea I know Gandalf: � uhhh well, gimme the ring Bilbo: ok Bilbo tosses the ring on the ground, evil ominous music plays as the camera zooms in on the ring I would like to point out that I STILL don�t own Lord of the Rings, and I am STILL jealous, but that�s fine� I would also like to point out that although I am still a little annoyed and mad about some of the plot differences in the movie and the book, I still enjoy watching Peter Jackson�s movies, in fact, I enjoy watching them dozens of times a year� so� go Tolkien, go Jackson, and thanks Jackson for not making the movie like this� (this is where Bilbo just gave Gandalf the ring) Bilbo walks out the door with a stick in his hands, and a sombrero on his head Bilbo: The road goes ever on and on, down from the door where it began� Bilbo: ahh, I don�t remember the rest of the words� Bilbo reaches into his pocket and pulls out his CD player, and puts on the headphones and walks off Gandalf: Oooo a shiny ring, I think ill touch it Gandalf touches the ring, and suddenly a big fiery eye appears in bilbo�s kitchen (the eye is the eye of Sauron) Gandalf: GET AWAY FROM MY PIZZA Eye of Sauron: *(incomprehensible morgul talk, probably the whole ash nash gimbatul ash nash stuff, but theres so much dramatic music playing that you cant really tell)* Gandalf: *(the dramatic music is getting louder, so loud you cant even hear Gandalf speak common toungue, but it looks like Gandalf is about to blast the eye of Sauron with a mighty fireball, or maybe offer him a sandwich)* Gandalf offers the Eye of Sauron a sandwich Theme music quiets just enough to hear the words Eye of Sauron: NO NO!!!!! NOT A SANDWICH, HOW DID YOU KNOW MY ONLY WEAKNESS!!!! Eye of Sauron disappears Music suddenly dies down to just some peaceful music that shows that Frodo is about there Frodo enters through the front door that isn�t QUITE circlular shaped, and the handle is CLEARLY not in the middle of the door Frodo: Hey a sandwich! Gandalf: Oh yea, you can have it, I got some pizza! (Pepperoni pizza, all you anchovy and mushroom lovers can just keep that to yourself) Frodo: Hey the ring! Gandalf: Oh yea, you can have it, I got some pizza! Frodo: So why�d you insist on Bilbo leaving it? Gandalf: Oh, it might be evil Frodo: Oh well that�s nice. Gandalf: Ill be back real soon, Im going to the Gondor public Library to see if that ring is evil Frodo: Well have a nice trip! -Time Lapse here- (ok, this is a little more Tolkien based than It should be, for something as a parody, but this is just such a great part) Frodo hears a knock on the door, he opens it with the inside door handle, which is CLEARLY on the RIGHT side of the door, but as the door opens, the OUTSIDE handle is in the middle, anyways Gandalf walks in Gandalf: Hi there Frodo, how�s it going? Frodo: Good, how was it at the library? Gandalf: Oh that, it went fine, as it turns out, your ring could be the doom of us all, what�s for dinner? Frodo: Roast, spaghetti, steaks, ribs, and some mashed potatoes! Gandalf: Awwww your on a diet again aren�t you? Frodo: Yea, I decided to leave off the lasagna, and the pizza, and I only used one stick of butter per potato, instead of the regular 3 Gandalf: oh well This was originally going to be part of the second chapter, but I decided to make em all about 2 pages worth in Microsoft Word, and by the time I decided the chapter was almost over, I had written 4 more pages worth, so yea And, no, I STILL don�t own LOTR, just gimme a few years, ill wear em down. -next morning- Frodo: So whats all this about the world ending cause of that lil ol ring? Gandalf: Ahh, ill tell you after breakfast Frodo: Ok They eat breakfast, as they finish, Gandalf stands up, and hits his head on the roof Gandalf: Oww, I hit my head on the roof! Frodo: Oh hey, what was that about the ring, I forgot Gandalf: Oh right, gimme the ring Frodo: Ok sure, here ya go Frodo hands Gandalf the ring, Gandalf throws the ring into Frodo�s fire place Frodo: What are you doing? Gandalf: Don�t worry, the fire wont melt the ring Frodo: What fire? You never lit a fire in the fireplace. Gandalf: Oh� right Stand back Gandalf raises his staff, and blasts the fire pit with a mighty fireball, and the fireplace explodes Frodo (slightly scorched) : WOW THAT WAS COOL Gandalf: He he, yea Frodo: Where did the ring go? Gandalf: oh hey, it landed on that table Frodo: ahh good Gandalf: pick up the ring Frodo, can you see anything Frodo: yea, its golden Gandalf: � Gandalf: I meant can you read any writing on the ring? Frodo: yes, well, no� theres writing, but its not in elven, or common tongue so no, I cant read it Gandalf: oh yea, it says �one ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them� Gandalf: hey, it says something else �If lost, please return to Sauron, 1589 Black Tower Lane, Morodor� Frodo: Does that actually mean anything? Gandalf: Of course, it means that the only way to destroy the ring is to give me 150 bucks for a new staff� please? Frodo: Yea right Gandalf: Darn, it was worth a shot, its just that Sauruman�s staff looks so cool, all I got is this old gnarled woody one Frodo: Want my walking stick, its kinda similar, just not as gnarled Gandalf: NO YOU FOOL, there are special rules for wizards staffs, you have to get them at Wal-Mart, and you cant just us a old staff from someone else, you have to get a new staff, you aren�t allowed to get a used staff in the wizarding group im in. Gandalf: See when I got my staff, it looked nice and straight, I got it, the new SS-40 model, it came with a great lease, and a 2 years 250 fireballs cast warranty, course on my 251st fireball my staff nearly blew up and now it looks all gnarled and all Frodo: Oh, sorry� Frodo: so, what do I have to do to get rid of it? Gandalf: Havent decided yet, go to rivendell later, I need to go talk to Sauroman, he has a cooler looking staff, cause he is the most wisest wizard of us all Ok, this is the fourth chapter, but only cause its after the third And I still don�t own LOTR (back to the scripty part of it all) Frodo: What will Sauroman tell you? Gandalf: When he first sees me he will probably laugh and say that his staff is cooler looking. Gandalf: Then he will offer wise council to aid us in our current plight Frodo: Ahhh Frodo and Gandalf begin to clean up the fireplace rubble, right when Frodo throws a big chunk out the window, you hear a thump, and a OWWW Sam: What are you doing Mr. Frodo sir? Chunking fireplaces at people like that? Frodo: (looking surprised) What were you doing Sam? Sam: DUH! I was EAVESDROPPING! What, did you expect me to have some lame excuse like trimming the leaves below the window? Gandalf: I am seriously considering blasting you with a fireball Sam: Please don�t blast me Gandalf: Ok Frodo and Gandalf resume throwing fireplace pieces out a window, but they pick a different window Sam: NO NOT THAT WINDOW Merry: OWW MY HEAD!!! Pippin: OWW MY HEAD!!! Frodo: (looking even more shocked) WHAT ARE ALL OF YOU DOING? Merry: DUH WE*** Frodo: I KNOW THE EAVESDROPPING PART Pippin: Well, I was just listening in Frodo continues to chunk fireplace pieces out the window Pippin: Oww you just hit me again! Merry: Frodo!! Stop throwing stuff at us! Frodo stops throwing large rocks at them Frodo: OK OK OK, ill use THAT window Merry Pippin and Sam: NO!!! As Frodo throws a rock out that window you hear a whine Sam: You hit Bill the Pony! Frodo: Is Bill his real name? Pippin: actually its some stupid name like �Shadow Fax� Sam: I mean come ON, who would want to �Fax� a �Shadow� with a �Shadow Fax� Gandalf: actually Shadowfax is*** Merry: SO whats going on with Sauron Gandalf: I was just about to suggest you go visit him, well, at least his nifty volcano Gandalf: Oh wait, this part of the movie is supposed to be a little mysterious, im going to go to Sauroman�s and im coming RIGHT back, like a very short, but still ambiguous time, just enough so that you will wait a little too long, but short enough that I can be delayed if Sauroman wants to show me his rooftop observatory again Frodo: Bye Gandalf Gandalf: Oh right, leave for Rivendell ASAP Ok, this is the fifth chapter, Thanks to the many people that liked my story (or script, whatever) I will try to add on to this as much and as fast as possible (pretty much I write a chapter or 2 when I get bored) Sadly, I still don�t own LOTR, but here�s some more of my little tribute Gandalf runs out the door and jumps on Bill the Pony/Shadow Fax and rides to Isengard Frodo: Well, I guess we should get ready to go to Rivendell Sam: Shouldn�t we wait till your 55th birthday? Frodo: HELLO!! Do you have any idea how much time needs to be cut for this movie! We don�t have time for a BIRTHDAY party!!! Sam: Well, its just that�s when Bilbo left, his 55th birthday, you know Frodo: Well, sure, but he was just heading off to take care of a lil ol dragon, Im going out to go all the way to RIVENDELL, that�s like at LEAST half way to the lonely mountain! Sam: Right, of course, lets just go now Frodo: Ok, we will just stop by Farmer Maggots place and pick up some food Sam: Uh oh, theres some meanacing looking guys all robed in black riding up to your door! Frodo: Ill handle it Knock Knock Knock Frodo goes to open the door Frodo: Hello, how are you doing, welcome to the Gamgee house! Black Rider#1: *(raspy voice)* The guy down at the end of the road said this was Bagins house. Frodo: Well, if this were the Baggins house, why would Samwise Gamgee be sitting right over there? Black Rider#2: *(raspy voice)* I told you we couldn�t trust people that aren�t even four feet tall Frodo: Hey! Im under four feet tall! Black Rider#1: *(raspy voice)* HAH shorty! Black Rider#3: *(raspy voice)* *(ok, this guys voice is so raspy, you cant even understand a word he is saying)* Black Rider#1: Good idea The Black Riders all draw their swords and are about to kill Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, and Frodo�s pet guinea pig when suddenly Frodo: LOOK, IT�S THE GOOD YEAR BLIMP!!! All the Black Riders look away but they are still in the doorway Frodo: No, look that way, from the top of that ridge! The Black Riders all walk off, to the top of the ridge, and some of them just swear they can see it, and the rest keep looking for it, while the four hobbits run out of the house and down the road Pippin: Whew that was close! Sam: Good thinking Mr. Frodo! Merry: Hey, Whats that right up ahead!? Frodo: It�s the Frolicking Pony Pippin: Don�t you mean Prancing? Frodo: No, recent studies show that people no longer respond to prancing as much as frolicking Pippin: Oh� well why is it so close to the shire? Frodo: Its not, they just decided to cut all the scenes between the shire and here They walk in as a happy bartender walks up Barilman Butterbur: Hi there, Im supposed to remember something, but I can�t, its really important though, so that�s kind of a bad thing Frodo: Any idea what it was Barilman Butterbur: NO of course not, I FORGOT! Hello! Barilman Butterbur walks off shaking his head muttering something like �hobbits these days, just don�t know what its like to forget something� Chapter 6 that�s right, number 6, I feel so warm and fuzzy inside cause I wrote more than two chapters, ok, not particularly warm, but very fuzzy And no, I still don�t own LOTR After a few minutes of relaxing and drinking, a man approaches Frodo Strider / Aragorn / Duendain: Hiya there, im Strider, or well, im not really Strider, but that�s what people call me, so I kinda am Strider I guess. Frodo: Well, that�s nice (Frodo is looking startled and scared) Strider / Aragorn / ok, forget all the weird names, just Strider for now: Come over here Frodo: Ok (still a little scared) Strider: The nine and a half are after you, you should be scared Frodo: is that who the black riders were (looking scared, but not cause of the black riders) Strider: Exactly Frodo: I thought it was nine Strider: Well, it was originally, but the directors felt that the movie would do better with a mini black rider, know that guy who played mini-me in Austin Powers, he�s the last half Frodo: ahhh of course Strider: Hey, your friends are getting drunk and are about to tell everyone who you are Pippin: HEY, see that guy over there, with the big guy? Guess what HIS name is? That�s right, it�s *** Frodo: HEY EVERYONE WATCH THIS!!!!! Frodo jumps to the middle of the room and puts the ring on and turns invisible Crowd: GASP!! Frodo re-appears beside Strider Strider puts his hand on his forhead and shakes his head Strider: I guess that�s one way� Frodo: Hey, it worked ok? Strider: Yea, I cant argue with that� tell you what, I want you to get a room tonight Frodo: Ok, good idea, a nice place to sleep in Strider: No, don�t go into the room, your going to stay in my room Frodo: Why do you want me to get the room Strider: So people THINK your sleeping there Frodo: OHHH right, I get it *long pause* Frodo: Ok, I don�t get it Strider: The nine and a half are after you, they will try to kill you in your room Frodo: shouldn�t we just leave now then? Strider: No, the nine and a half are great publicity, and we wont be able to put them in the movie much after this, so we need all the screen time we can get Frodo: But they cut the scenes in between here and the Shire, there were supposed to be black riders there Strider: Yea, I know, but I wasn�t there, I am actually even better publicity than the black riders, so� they wont even DARE touch a scene with BOTH of us in them Frodo: ahh, it makes so much sense Later� Show black riders creeping up on the sleeping �hobbits� Black Rider#1: *(raspy voice)* BOO!!!! Black Rider#2: *(raspy voice)* you fool, just smack em with your sword! Black Rider#9 and a half: *(raspy, but higher pitched voice)* I couldn�t bring my sword, is a dagger ok? My sword is too long, it is taller than me Black Rider#2: Just kill em ok!?!?!? The black riders begin to hack and maim the �Hobbits� and scream a high pitched and annoying scream when they find out they were just life sized hobbit action figures � Chapter 7 wow, seven, that�s the one after six! And I still don�t own LOTR, but I do want a Nazgul, they would be cool, great intimidation factor! Oh, also, I made up the � part of the life sized hobbit action figures � so I don�t own that either The hobbits look extremely startled even though they weren�t just killed, it was just the life sized hobbit action figures � Frodo: I�m startled! Sam: So am I! Strider: Oh come on, they didn�t even come into this room, your fine, ya wimps The next day Strider leads them into the woods, early in the morning, when suddenly� Strider: Look, its Weathertop! Right before sunset! Frodo: Im confused, it was morning just a second ago, and we were in Bree� Strider: I told you, big scene cuts! Frodo: Wow, they sure cut scenes fast Strider: yea, BUT NOT THE ONES WITH ME!!! Frodo: uhh, they just cut some scenes with you Strider: oh yea. Oh well, lets camp up on Weathertop Frodo: why? Strider: See, the Black Riders are coolest when they have their swords out and are hitting things, and if they can get a duel between me and the Witch King, the biggest baddest evilest Nazgul, in a dark place with ruins, like Weathertop, well, that would be just cool, and GREAT for the ratings! Frodo: Well, what will happen to me Strider: ahh, who cares They all set up camp on weathertop Strider: I cant seem to get this fire started� Fortunately, I brought signal flares! Ill just light a dozen or so, to keep warm. I hope the Nazgul don�t find us somehow Frodo: But wont they find us if we light signal flares? Strider: You just don�t get it do you? See, im supposed to look cool and smart, and its supposed to look like im doing my best to keep us safe, and the Nazgul are just really really evil and smart, but with you just BLABBERING on about every little thing, I look like a MORON Frodo: you aren�t? Strider: Of course not! Well, I might be, BUT I also look cool with a sword. Strider then lights two more flares and stands on the highest ruin of weathertop and begins waving the flares around when suddenly� Nazgul: SHRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!! Frodo: AHH THE HIGH PICHED SHRIEK OF DOOM!!! Nine and a half Nazgul suddenly appear around Strider and friends Frodo: Hey! Theres only supposed to be FIVE!!! Witch King: Its more dramatic this way, OH WAIT, I mean *(raspy voice)* Its more dramatic this way Frodo: Im still going to beat you up! hey, HEY, THEY CUT THE SCENE WHERE I GET MY SWORD!!! The Nazgul laugh in their evil laughing voice, when suddenly Strider: BACK! OR ILL TORCH YOU ALL!!! Strider draws his cool looking sword, and waves a torch around (don�t know where he got the torch, since he used the flares as a fire) Strider proceeds to light the occasional Nazgul (or half) on fire, while he is dramatically fighting the Witch King, after all the other eight and a half have run off in flames, Strider dramatically takes a big swing at the Witch King and knocks him off balance, on the very edge of a very high cliff over sharp jagged rocks that will no doubt kill any man or wraith that falls on them, Strider proceeds then to light the Witch King on fire and laugh at him Strider: HA HA HA Witch King (slightly relieved that Strider didn�t push him) : OWW, MY EYES, Im much too powerfull to be KILLED by fire, jagged rocks maybe, but not fire, but ill run off now and look scared so you look extra heroic! The Witch King runs off flapping his flaming robed arms like a maniac Frodo: WOW, that was dramatic, but wasn�t I supposed to get stabbed? Something like a morgul blade? Strider: Oh yea, the director decided that made you look too weak and vulnerable, so he cut it Frodo: Whatever Chapter 8, wow, the 8 looks cool, no particular reason, oh I still don�t own LOTR, but I still want a Nazgul. As they walk away from Weathertop, they find bits and pieces of burnt Nazgul robes Strider: Look! Its someone on a horse! And they don�t look evil, AND happy music is playing, so it CANT be a bad person! Frodo: Who is it? Strider: Hey, its Tom Bombadil Tom Bombadil: ITS HO TOM BOMBADIL, don�t you know� Ho Tom Bombadil, hes a merry fellow Bright blue is his jacket, and his boots are yellow� Strider looks confused Strider: I thought you were cut. Tom Bombadil: I was, but they replaced that other elf guy with Arwen, and I just jumped her on the way over here, so I could get in the movie, and show off my fashionable yellow boots! Strider: Wow, I thought Arwen rescuing us was bad enough Tom Bombadil: This horse is only big enough for one person, but im small, and so is Frodo, so just put him on here, the rest of you can walk Strider tries to throw Frodo onto the horse, but he goes a little to far over Tom�s head and lands on a very hard rock on the other side of the horse, and falls unconscious Strider: Uh oh, Im not a good enough healer to fix this bad bump on his head! He needs elven medicine, RUN TOM BOMBADIL, Take Frodo to Rivendell!!! Tom rides off, then rides back to pick up Frodo, then rides off again This is followed by a dramatic chase scene, and at the end, Tom Bombadil rides across the river, and gets off his horse, and begins to walk back The Witch King gets off his horse and draws his wicked looking long Iron sword, Bombadil pulls out his walking stick Tom Bombadil: Prepare to meet your DOOM!!! Tom runs up to the Witch King and begins to beat at the Witch King�s knees, knocking the Witch King over, the Witch King drops his sword, and the other eight and a half Nazgul all rush into the river to help the Witch King. Bombadil then runs around doging all their swords and smacking them all in the back of the knees, and stomping on their toes Nazgul#2-9.5: Hey, Stop that Right then, a big torrent of waves come from the river and washes all the nine and a half Nazgul and Tom Bombadil away
