good old jokes
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said that she had. She then said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."
Two truck drivers are sitting in a restaurant and one asks the waitress for a cow tongue sandwich. The other truck driver says "Oh that's gross! Don't you think about where your food comes from?! That comes right out of a cow’s mouth! That's just disgusting! Waitress I'll have two eggs"
There was an American, an Englishman, and a Pollack wandering around in the woods when a group of Indians caught them. The Indians told them "We are going to skin you alive and use your skin as a canoe, but first you may have one final request." The Englishman first asked for a gun, so the Indians gave it to him. He pointed the gun to his head and said "God save the Queen" and shot himself. The American also asked for a gun. He pointed it at himself and said "God bless America" and shot himself. The Pollack was last. He asked for a fork. The Indians, looking puzzled, gave him his fork for his last request. The Pollack took the fork and started stabbing himself screaming "SCREW YOUR CANOE!"
Version
Control
Software Bug
Report: Wife 1.0
Last year I
upgraded my Girlfriend 5.0 to Girlfriend 5.1, which installed
itself as "Fiancée 1.0". Recently I upgraded Fiancée
1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a real memory hog. It has taken up all
of my space and Wife 1.0 must be running before I can do
ANYTHING.
It is also spawning child processes, which are further consuming
system resources. Some highly preferred applications, such as
PokerNight 5.0,BeerBash 2.5 and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able
to run in the system at all. Additional plug ins were
automatically installed, such as Mother In Law 55.8,and there is
no uninstall feature for this plug in. No mention of these
behaviors was discussed in the brochures and the documentation, (
a Non-conformity as per the ISO standard) although
other users
have reported similar problems. Because of this, some users that
I know have decided to avoid the headaches associated with these
upgrades, and simply move from Girlfriend 5.0 to Girlfriend 6.0.
Unfortunately, this is not without
peril as well,
as the traces of the Girlfriend 5.0 must be removed from the
system before attempting installation of 6.0. Even then
Girlfriend 6.0 will repeatedly run system checks (usually in the
background, and often late at night when the system is asleep.)
to find evidence of previous versions. To cap it off, Girlfriend
6.0 apparently has a nag feature reminding about the advantages
of upgrading to Wife 1.0
However, I would like to give you some of the features that you
need to include in the upcoming Girlfriend 6.1 release:
· A
"Don't remind me again" button.
· Minimize
button
· Shutdown
feature
· Installed
shields feature so that Girlfriend can be completely
uninstalled if
necessary (so you don't lose cache and other objects).
With immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff during working hours, thus ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all. In future, the doors to all toilets will be equipped withcomputer-linked voice recognition devices, which can only be activated to open at the sound of a person's voice. Staff must therefore immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one in a normal tone and one understress/desperation. The following rules shall also apply :
On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued with 22 toilet trip credits which may be accumulated. Once the employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first working day of the following month. In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timers. If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirtyseconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toiletwill flush and the door will open automatically. If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board. Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months' toilet trip credits. Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo counselling by a clinical psychologist. Be advised that workmen's compensation insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into the dispenser, or trying to keep the toilet door from opening. We trust that you will co-operate fully with us, and suggest that if you have any problems with this policy, you should make more use your own toilet facilities at home where you can sit to your hearts content.SIGNED
MANAGEMENT
Ten Reasons Studying Is Better Than Sex
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place, and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter, you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser".
4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!
God is real, unless declared integer Death is hereditary. An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Experience is what a comb gives you after you lose your hair. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking. I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train. Where there's a will there are five hundred relatives. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. LUCK...stands for Labouring Under Correct Knowledge
* Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
* Your orgasms are real. Always.
* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can be president.
* You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
* Foreplay is optional.
* You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
* The world is your urinal.
* Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
* You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
* Same work... more pay.
* Wrinkles add character.
* You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
* Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
* If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
* People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
* Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
* Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
* Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
* One mood, all the time - horny.
TOP 10 GREETING CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE
Front: I'm sorry to hear you have gone blind.
Inside: See you later, pal!Front: I'm sorry to hear you are brain dead.
Inside: It's really not that bad when you think about it.Front: My condolences on the loss of your arms.
Inside: Write back soon....Front: I heard that you were very sick.
Inside: I hope that you die painlessly.Front: I heard that you attempted suicide.
Inside: Wishing you luck and success in all that you do,Front: They told me you were constipated.
Inside: No shit?Front: Get well soon.
Inside: I'm sick of walking two miles to get water.Front: Congratulations on your weight loss!
Inside: It's a shame you had to saw off your legs to do it.
Front: Congratulations on your newborn baby.
Inside: Told you so the cheap brand condoms don’t work.
U 've a Marathi Girlfriend if ...
-she gets really mad if you introduce her as one.
-if she closes her eyes as well as urs when kate winslet drops the robe on screen .
-when she is realllly mad she goes 'kahi nahi' and doesn't look at u.
-at least one of her childhood photos has her in a lush green parkar polka.
-in a raging thunderstorm if theres a flash of lightening, lets face it she is not going to hug you like in the movies.
-you have listened to natya sangeet, to get in good with her dad.
-you have to convince her that 'the 3 hours we spent on chowpatty actually qualifies as a date.
-she blushes when somebody asks her about you .
-she doesnt wear jeans and skimpy Tshirts but takes it for granted that her career is as important as urs .
-she remembers all the poems in high school texts.
-she talks about 'amke amke' sir and all you can think about him is 'sir,dambis-ahey'.
-Makar Sankrant and Daasera is the occasion to go to her house.
-you do not meet her, neither does she, on Rakhi poornima.
-you and her brother are not buddies.
-ghari tumchya avdicha padartha kela tar athvanine dabyat gheun yete.
-ur date on Chaturthi will be at Dagdusheth Halwai Ganpati / Talyatla Ganpati.
-u have atleast once been to Tulshi baagh with her but she refuses to come with u to HongKong lane.
-she is more comfortable on Laxmi Road than on M.G. Road.
if u are feeling sick by reading this worthless junk, click here for better stuff
If
you have any good jokes that u think are good enough to be put on
this site, then please e-mail them to me at [email protected]. After
reviewing them, they will be duly put up on this site.
