Things I Wish I Knew Before I Went Out Into the Real World

• Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
• There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
• People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
• You should not confuse your career with your life.
• No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
• When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
• Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
• Never lick a steak knife.
• You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
• The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
• A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
• Never pass up an opportunity to pee
• Everyone seems normal until you get to know them

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