12/13/02                                         The Rag                 Carol Edition

You know what I could do? I could 30 minutes on stupid Christmas songs. Don’t get me wrong I am very pro Christmas and have all 'ba hum' bugs exterminated at thanksgiving every year. Lately, however, I have been listening to the words of some of these ‘so called’ Christmas songs. Songs that have become traditional but I dont know why. Cause they are stupid! Let's start with O Christmas Tree. Did the Crash Test Dummies write this one? Think about this: You’ve got a pregnant virgin jew girl who rode a hundred miles on a donkey with her husband and no one was killed (that’s a miracle in itself) Angels appearing in fields, ancient gentile astrologers falling a prophetic star, the world being saved, the miracle birth of the King of all the world and the only words you can think to attach to your new addictive little melody is about a tree? Are you with me yet? No, well lets break it down:

 

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree How are thy leaves so verdant?

Not only in the summertime But ev'n in winter is thy prime

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree How are thy leaves so verdant?

 

Well? Answer the question already? I have had a lot of Christmas Trees in my life. Real ones, fake ones, Firs, Cedar, even a small pine. One Christmas, early in my first marriage, I got so frustrated with my wife nagging me to go get a tree when we couldn’t even really afford presents that I walked out into the front yard with a hand saw and cut down the tall cedar bush by the street! I stuck it in the front window of our house, turned to my shocked bride and proclaimed: “Decorate that!” (Note: Not the most efficient way to encourage holiday cheer or bring a newlywed disagreement to a sweet makeup kiss.) The point is that in all my variety I have never had a Christmas tree with LEAVES! Unless ‘verdant’ means nonexistent or prickly pokey itchy things then I don’t see the point. I looked it up and it means ‘green’. -?  Hello it IS an evergreen people! I mean that’s its name. That’s what it does… it stays ever… green! I don’t think that requires a song? I mean if it wasn’t green in the dead of winter I don’t think it would have been chosen as our traditional living room light holder and cat toy! – do you!?

 

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree Much pleasure doth thou bring me!

For every year the Christmas tree Brings to us all both joy and glee

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree Much pleasure doth thou bring me

 

Joy and Glee? Really? Exactly how? I mean it smells nice but Joy and Glee? 

 

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree Thy candles shine out brightly!

Each bough doth hold its tinny light That makes each toy to sparkle bright

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree Thy candles shine out brightly!

 

OK this takes the eggnog. Is this an instruction manual on how to light your Holidays with the swirling beauty of firetruck lights? Who needs Santa put a candle on your tree and your kids can sit on the knee of Joe Fred Fireman this Christmas! Nothing says Yule Cheer like a 10 gallon per second blast from Joe Fred’s hose!  SUFFERING SUGARPLUMS! I understand that a thousand years ago for like 1 Christmas some idiots stuck candles on there trees because they thought it would look cool but it didn’t take lone to discover that although this did indeed look quite kewl it was not good for those that didn’t live in caves! They also used to put leeches on you when you were sick –I don’t think it needs a song of praise do you?

Now I could possibly write a few lyrics about the smell of a good tree. The way a house that hass been all closed up for winter suddenly fills alive again when the air is filled with sweet cedar or fir. But no lets sing about how green an evergreen is - !? Why has this idiotic song persisted to raise its ugly verdant head every year? Its that catchy tune! Nobody gives a reindeer booger about the tree. As far as most of us adults care it’s job is to hold the lights, ornaments, garland, stars and angels! That’s it. And as long as there are plenty of presents under it it could be a shoe tree as far as kids care! This song is like looking at a Renoir and writing a poem about the canvas! But enough about that I didn’t write this to tell you about O Christmas Tree (sorry I got side tracked) What I really wanted to carp about is this “The Little Drummer Boy” we hear about every year. This has got to be the STUPIEST idea for a song I have ever heard! …10,000 times! I mean where do they come up with this elf snot? No where in the Gospels, even though four different authors wrote about it, did anyone mention a drummer boy? There were sheppards and some wise men, an Inn keeper, an angel or two. With some reach you could suppose a donkey, some sheep or maybe a cow or two but how in a Christmas cringle do you come up with a drummer boy? But that’s not what’s dumb about it… Think about it… “rum pa pum pum”. The drum is not really a solo instrument. I mean there are not a lot of songs written exclusively for the little drummer boys of the world? What song did he play? Jingle Drums, Oh Drum all you ye Faithful? And if he did have an entire song written for his little snare do you really think Mary would have alloyed that kind of ruckus to go on in her stable with a newborn trying to sleep. I don’t think so. Unless drums have changed considerably over the years -they are not really known for there ability to LULL!  Nope! Don’t see a lot of drums in the nursery! Playing softly as little cribblets sleep… “rock a bye baby in a BOOM POW BANG! Yeah I am sure that would have went over well. What kind of kid is this and why has nobody ever asked where his parents are? Wondering all over Israel with a drum, HOODLUM!  Yet we sing it year after year and every artist who has ever needed a little doe (sorry Prancer) has covered it! From Air Supply to Alabama, Bob Seager to Joan Baez,  Bing Crosby to Babyface, Ray Charles to Johnny Cash, Chet Atkins to Tori Amos, La Cuba to Chicago, Neil Diamond to Delta Funk Express, John Denver to Destiny’s Child, Joan Jett to the Jackson Five, Lonestar to Liberace, Henry Mancini to Matchbox Twenty, Nitty Gritty Dirt Band to New Kids on the Block, Dolly Parton to Big Mountain, Temptations to Sweet Satisfaction, Take Six to 38 Special, Ringo Star to Earth Wind and Fire, and YES EVEN THE CRASH TEST DUMMIES!  “The ox and lamb kept time” WHAT? It’s a drum song. I mean the only thing in the song is a drum? What does he need a farm animal to keep time for? He IS the time. Some harmony with STOMP would have been good. “The he smiled at me, me and my drum” –look kid from those of us with babies, trust me, it was gas.

Ok I am done. I just had to get that out.

Now does somebody want to explain to me what in the Chris Cringle is a “Bough of Holly”, whats it doing in the hall and why must we all dress like homosexuals to understand what an ancient troll has to do with Christmas? Fa la la la la, la la la ……..la         

                                                                                               

Merry Christmas Everyone!
BoO!

 

PS. My sincere apologies if you walk around humming one of these for the rest of the day.