An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building.  They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again!  If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck  (Englishman)
opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.  The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps
to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping.  She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I  never would have given it to him again!"  The Mexican's wife also weeps and  says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas!  I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife.  "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

Xxxx

 An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman are in a bar discussing how stupid their wives are...

The English man says:
"You know my wife must be the most stupid woman on this planet. There was a sale down at the supermarket last week, she bought $300 worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer..."

The Scotsman says:
"That's nothing, my wife went out last week and bought a brand new car for $8000, and she can't even drive..."

The Irishman says:
"You think that's stupid, I went home last week and my wife told me that she'd booked herself a two week holiday in Tenerife. I watched her packing her case and she took nearly 400 condoms with her, and she doesn't even have a p*nis..."

 xxxx

 An Irishman walks into a bar on a quiet Friday night and asks the barman for 3 pints of Guiness. The barman duly pours the pints and the Irishman takes them into a quiet corner of the pub. The barman watches him carefully as he takes one sip from the left pint, one from the middle pint and one from the right pint. This continues until he finishes all three, whereupon he revisits the bar.

"Another 3 pints of Guiness please", says the Irishman.

"You know", said the barman, "you don't have to buy 3 pints in one go. It's fairly quiet tonight and I don't mind bringing your drinks over to you!".

"No you don't understand", replied the Irishman. "I have 2 brothers who I regularly used to drink with. One left home for South Africa while the other went to New Zealand. Now, every Friday night at 9:00 local time, we visit our respective locals and have 3 pints of Guiness each. This makes us feel like we're still drinking together."

"Oh I see", said the barman. "What a lovely story. Fair enough, here's your 3 pints."

This goes on for a couple of weeks until one night the Irishman comes into the bar and orders 2 pints of Guiness. The barman is a bit taken aback by this, thinking that something dreadful must have happened. He says nothing while the Irishman takes his 2 pints to a quiet corner, taking 1 sip from one pint followed by another sip from the other. Later on, he revisits the bar.

"2 more pints of Guiness please", he says to the barman.

"Look", says the barman rather sheepishly. "I know it's none of my business, and I'm ever so sorry, but which of your brothers has died".

"Oh, there's nothing wrong with my brothers", says the Irishman.

"Ah", says the barman, "then why are you only drinking 2 pints?"

"Oh that's just me", says the Irishman. "I've given up drinking!"

 xxxxx

 This man and his wife were driving down US 71 in their 99 Cadillac when the man looked behind him to see sirens.

He said "Oh Sh*t", he pulls over and the officer comes up to his car and says "You were going 75 in a 55 and not wearing your seat belt."

The man biligerantly says, "I was not speeding, I Never speed. I always drive 55 to stay alive."
His wife looks at him, and says "Honey, you never drive 55."

The man looks at his wife and says, "SHUT the H*ll up."

The officer looks at the man and says: "Why weren't you wearing your seatbelt?" The man said, "I was wearing my seat belt, I took it off to get my license out of my wallet. I always wear my seat belt."

His wife looked over at him and said, "Honey, you never wear your seat belt."

He looked over at his wife again, and said, "I thought I told you to Shut the H*ll up."

The officer looked over at the lady, and said "Mam, Does he always talk to you that way?"

She said, "NO, Only when he's been drinking."

 Xxxx

 "I can't go on like this!" the woman bawled at her husband.

"My mother sends us money, my sister buys our kids clothes, and my aunt brings us food. I'm so ashamed."

"You should be!" replied the never-do-well.

"Your uncles don't give us a damn thing."

 Xxxx

 The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which is the other possiblity.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English."

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud, of kors, be aplid to oza kombinations of letas.

After ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.

Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru!