| I�m not sure what the pursuit of happiness is, or where it�s supposed to start. I look to the bottom of pint after pint. I look and I look, but never seem to find it. Are women the key to happiness? I look deep inside them, I look all over them, it�s not there either. I never thought to look inside myself. I�m not even sure what that means. I find myself sitting in bed, the winter taking charge of my uncovered body. I remember looking over at this girl sitting next to me, I wonder why she�s there. I can�t find happiness in myself, how is someone else supposed to find happiness in me. It�s all become compensatory. She must�ve clung to one of my strengths to make up for her shortcomings. I must have clung to her cause I was drunk. Oh the choices we make when we lose our balance. Maybe it was that piece of home, more likely just a piece of ass. I can�t help but laugh at myself, and the situations I find myself in. it�s almost as if I do it for the sake of the laugh. I know my friends were laughing the second I left the bar, but then again, so was I�on the inside. It may not be fair, to use the girl for the extent of a laugh, but what other purpose did she serve. Ejaculation? Please, I can do that all by myself. I wonder what women see in men, I wonder what it is I see in women. All I do is curse their existence, and then go out in search of them. I find them, use them, but then what? There has to be something more to it. I remember back to my friends pursuits. They seemed so pleased with themselves, I guess I should too. But to me it all seems fraudulent. I look at her, she�s asleep next to me, and I wonder what it is that makes them tick. What it is about them that makes me tick. Don�t get me wrong, I�m not questioning my sexuality, but there has to be more to it than just sex. Of course I seem to always put myself in this situation. I tell myself when I meet them that I�m only in it for the sex. That�s what beer seems to do to me. Meaningless sex! But come on, what the hell is that. It�s not me. People always tell me it�s a matter of time until meet the �one.� It might happen one day, and I�ll probably feel a lot better about myself, and my status. I guess it�s the ADD, or at least a severe case of impatience. I�m not content to sit around and wait for the �one�, I actually need to seek out the wrong women. I thrive on it, my anger, and sadness thrive on it. I always thought common sense would kick in, and tell me to do otherwise, but I never seem to learn. I tell myself, more times than one could imagine, that history repeats itself. That makes a lot of sense, history repeats, but it never seems to register in my adolescent, sex hungry mind. I let her sleep. Even my girl friends told me I was stupid for letting her stay. I didn�t do it because she looked peaceful, fuck that. I did it because I felt guilty. Many call me an asshole, but sometimes I think I may be too nice. I feel bad, I used her, so she should be able to sleep. I only wish she could do it at her own place. This seems to be a problem I�m often faced with Do I kick her out? It�s not like I�m trying to save face, I spent the whole night trying not to look at hers. Just cause I pleasure them that night doesn�t mean that I want to again the next. I want to move on with my life, piece together whatever it is I�m trying to figure out. I guess that would be a good enough place to start. But of course I don�t think anything of it. I give it about as much thought as I gave the girl. |
| Oh the choices we make... |