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| Alright boys and girls. Listen up. This is the first time that I have ever done a follow up on any of my quirky little hate filled essays but the time has finally come. Only I figured it would be on the subject of Welfare instead of Elderly Drivers. But don�t think I have forgotten about The Great Cat Burglar that leaps from building to building and directly into the pockets of American taxpayers, otherwise known as Welfare. That follow up is sure to come. However, let�s talk about the subject at hand, the combination of the elderly generation and automobiles. A dangerous combination you ask? So na�ve! But don�t worry, remember, there are no such thing as stupid questions, just stupid people. Elderly drivers go together as well as oil and water, an open flame and a grabby infant, or a thong bikini and an obese shut-in. The return to the subject of elderly drivers was prompted by all the news coverage that has recently flooded the airways. Just within the past few months, the woman mentioned in my last essay (the one who mowed down several children in the school parking lot and blaming it on the fact that she hit the gas instead of the brake) was ordered to pay upwards of 3 million dollars to the family of one of the dead children. Keep in mind however that the incident happened close to 6 years ago, if I�m not mistaken, and there is no way that you are going to get that amount of money from a woman who was already on her deathbed at the time of the slayings! So in a way it�s a delayed resolution to a horrible event that destroyed the lives of entire families. Unless you�ve been living under a fat chick, on Mars, with your eyes and ears shut, playing insanely loud industrial rock music while operating power tools, you�ve heard about the recent car �accident� (and I use that word loosely) dealing with this man! |
| No that isn�t Colonel Sanders reincarnated. That�s Russell Weller, an 86 years �young� California resident and motorist. Mr. Weller drove his Buick sedan the entire length of an open-air Farmer�s Market in sunny Santa Monica at a very high rate of speed. The only problem with that unfortunately, was that the market was crammed with almost 1000 people along with produce stands and vendors. Ole� Russell managed to drive over close to 50 people killing 10, including a 7 month old baby, and not to mention destroying carts of perfectly good defenseless heads of crispy lettuce. I�ll never eat a burger the same way again!!! What was Russell Weller�s excuse for becoming America�s newest (and oldest) mass murderer? �I think I may have hit the gas instead of the brake.� Where have I heard that excuse before? Is it just that the elderly generation of America has exceptionally large feet? Or is it that these ancient �car driving angels of death� need to get out from behind the wheel and start knitting more quilts for their cold and circulation-lacking legs? |
| I�ve never driven my sweet 88� Buick into a crowd of pedestrians before Mr. Weller, but I think after I smooshed the first few dozen or so people I would at least have the common courtesy to stop running into more! In the past few days, new evidence has been discovered that Russell may have hit a Mercedes-Benz and was fleeing the scene of the accident when he decided to stop in for the freshest damn tomatoes he�d ever seen at the crowded open-air Arizona Avenue Farmer�s Market. So I believe I figured out his motivation behind all the carnage. Mr. Weller, after crashing into a Mercedes-Benz and realizing how high his insurance payment would be after the damage estimate, thought that it would be wiser to kill several people so that no one would remember his first crash and maybe it would go away. Its similar to what you do when your father knows you�ve done something wrong and you try to avoid him and not mention anything so maybe he�ll forget about your punishment. Way to cause a distraction Russ! So when is it all going to stop? When am I going to live in an era free of blood lusting, car operating, old folk? With each new incident comes the resurgence of debate. Should the elderly be allowed to drive? There is a starting age for driving (16 in most states), should there be a cut off age? However, like all other debatable subjects, it quickly dies down and the matter is dropped. But I say NEVER AGAIN! I�m tired of Granny and Pa trying to run me down driving their 3 ton Cadillac at a blazing speed of 35 miles an hour in the 70 mile an hour zone with their right turn signal on in the left lane. I encourage you to start an �Elderly Only� Busing System in your area or maybe just pile them all on that old wheelbarrow you have just sitting there in the garage and wheel their wrinkly asses right to the local super market at 5:30 in the morning so they can buy one piece of fruit and then take it back 2 weeks later half-eaten and complain about it. If those ideas are still a little beyond your reach at the moment, write your congressman. If you live here in the great state of North Carolina, I�ve already included the mailing address of our 2 congressmen below. However if you live in any other state, I�ve provided a link that provides every state�s senator(s) and their correct mailing information. Remember, act locally, think globally, and we can all make a difference! Elizabeth Dole (R) 120 Russell Senate Office Building Washington DC 20510 (202) 224 - 6342 John Edwards (D) 225 Dirksen Senate Office Building Washington DC 20510 (202) 224 - 3154 State Senator Information Always saying the things you're afraid to admit you think about, Brad |
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| Elderly Drivers (Revisited) |