Michael: You know, my parents just don't understand me. Never have. Ever since high school. I guess it's the generation gap. Don't fall into a rut.
Jason: I'm afraid I've fallen into a rut.
Michael: Don't fall into that rut!
Jason: It's too late.
Michael: Our parents fell into that rut, look where it left them. They're old and they don't drink Surge. What can you do?
Jason: To a man, sex is different than love.
Michael: I don't know what women want. I'm 35, I've been married three times, I can't find the right girl. My therapist says maybe I'm gay. I don't think so.
Brian: Are you sure?
Michael: How can I be sure of anything in this topsy-turvy world?
Brian: Right on.
Michael: It's topsy-turvy.
Brian: Solid.
Jason: I don't know what's right anymore.
Brian: Child labor laws?
Brian: I went into Subway yesterday to get a sandwich. The employee looked at me and said "You're crazy."
Jason: It may not all be in your head.
Brian: I went home and had a nervous breakdown.
Michael: It's okay, I have the number of a really good therapist.
Jason: I am a really good therapist.
Tim: I have sex with couches.
Brian: That's okay.
Michael: Hey, it's the 90s. I have sex with everything.
Jason: E-mail ecstasy.
Tim: No, I mean it. I have sex with couches.
Michael: You have the right to be gay.
Tim: I'm not gay, I just love my couch.
Jason: That looks like a dolphin.
Michael: You know, dildos come in many shapes and sizes.
Jason: Lesbian sex.
Brian: I mean, what do you think of Ellen Degeneres? She turned my world upside-down in September.
Jason: I haven't watched television since.
Brian: I hear Elton John is making another tribute song for her. It's called "Lesbian in the Wind." The video has her, uh, cybertronically imposed with Ryan White.
(laughing)
Brian: I'm not laughing.
(more laughing)
Jason: And the lady from Old Indiana, who yells for "Rosebud."
Brian: That's right. Where's our bachelor friend who reminds us of our youth?
Jason: Here I am. I'm Gary.
Brian: That's your name! I'd forgotten your name, Gary.
Jason: I did not join the Navy, but I was still very fearful of my parents discovering my homosexuality.
Michael: That mustache will do the trick. Sometimes I wake up at night and I think maybe my beard isn't the sign of virility I used to think it was. Maybe I am gay, I don't know.
Jason: Visit a sex shop.
Jason: I was watching Nightline the other night and there was this story about hunger in faraway lands, and I thought to myself "I'm going to skip oatmeal in the morning. And I'm going to send that packet of oatmeal somewhere far, far away. To a place where Isaac Hayes is king. Where Isaac Hayes is really, really a king. And I'll do it every morning for the rest of my life.
Brian: That's very socially active of you.
Jason: Until Isaac Hayes comes and has sex with my wife.
Michael: I'll do it until he comes and has sex with my couch.
Tim: I'm gonna go to Heilig-Meyers tomorrow, consult Dan Fromme about buying me a new couch, then stick my dick in it.