Yes, I actually got this fic from the Metafic Index website with all the lovely Mary-Sue bashing fics there. *Eyes sparkle* I decided it was time to analyze my own created character so I can become a better writer. Taken from ‘How to be a Mary Sue’ by Tapestry and others.

CCA Special 2: A tale of two C’s, and an authoress

Characters:

Phantomness = the author

Charlotte = the created character (Mary-Sue? Possibly…)

Lance = Phantomness’ kidnapped muse, a flat character, who Phantomness has given a personality to.

Some words of advice to the young Mary Sues:

"You must have had either a perfectly normal life until manifestation (with the possible exception of having been a bit of a misfit, but apparently that's normal), or -- more commonly -- an incredibly and horrifically eventful one. In either case, it will have no discernible effect on your ability to deal with things."

Phantomness: Um… me? Wait, my characters. Okay then!

Lance: *Scowls* I’m your muse… I’ve also been put through more than any flat character in pokemon should be forced to go through… you gave me a semi-tragic past I believe. Let’s see, didn’t I run away from my parents at age 9 because I was betrothed to some old guy and then cross-dress, as I’m really a girl? But… I do have issues. I’m possessive, and I will use every trick in the book to ensure Ash is mine… and I like cuddling… but in your fics I have to chase him all the time because he can’t remember me. *Sniffles*

Phantomness: *Nods*

Lance: Is that tragic?

Charlotte: I don’t even have a past. Sure, you touch on it a tiny bit in my vignette, but overall, I’m just a flat character who’s there to help Ash out. I guess my mom having cancer is tragic… but it’s a common occurrence. Breast Cancer is the leading cause of death for women after all.

Phantomness: *Considers this fact* you might be right… that is tragic!

Charlotte: *sweatdrops*

Lance: I’m a boy, too… in an alarmingly large number of fics.

Phantomness: Well, that was what they were… I mean, you are male in the anime last time I checked.

"Remember, you don't need to worry about the previous relationships of the canon characters. They'll be only too happy to succumb to your wiles after a few swift kicks to the head."

Lance: What previous relationships? You mean when Ash is paired up with Misty? *Coughs* Missingno

Phantomness: Some people swear by AAMRN… or Ash/Brock… or palletshippy…or Ash with Richie or Chikorita or Duplica or May…

Lance: *Coughs* Well, you were the insane person who came up with championshippy. Not that I mind too much, but… still!

Charlotte: Romance? Me? Have I ever shown interest in any canon character? *Ponders* some people thought you’d pair me with Ash, but we’re kind of related…

Phantomness: I remember that… I think its incest, so no, I won’t write you and Ash together.

Lance: I might be forced to kill you if you did…

"You want to sound cool, so try using a color, celestial body, or even animal as a first (and maybe even second!) name."

Phantomness: Lance Dragyn… but it makes sense!

Lance: I liked your anagrams. Besides, Catelyn Vongard doesn’t sound too bad.

Charlotte: Charlotte is a very common name, often used for dark, mysterious characters in my experience. Do I have a last name?

Phantomness: Not in my pokemon series that I recall…

Lance: I don’t have a middle name, right?

Phantomness: I haven’t thought up one for either of you….

"Be smart, be witty, and above all, talented. After all, no one likes a party pooper."

Charlotte: Does being hydrophobic count as talented?

Phantomness: Hmm… well, you are a realm guardian.

Charlotte: But the weakest one, and I’m usually nonexistent or dead, heh.

Lance: It does make sense in a twisted way… I think…what am I afraid of? Oh, right. Losing my little koibito. *Sparkly eyes* and I snap easily, but if I’m insane its more fun to play with! Hehehehe! Plus, blood is pretty.

Phantomness: *Hides before she has to write another Championshipping fic*

"When you first enter the scene you want to choose a foil, so find a sufficiently hated character and place him against yourself, therefore making you look bad and him look even worse."

Phantomness: If I recall correctly…

Charlotte: Ash crash-landed in my empty bathtub after a failed experiment in pokemon tower.

Lance: Well, I raise him in Dragon’s Love, and in CCA I get a broken arm so he has to help me. Otherwise, it would be severely out of character.

"Distinguishing features are a must to make you stand out from your new teammates, so try to get a few nifty tattoos. If you can't afford them, take a kitchen knife and start slicing. Remember, scars are as good as birthmarks!"

Phantomness: *Pulls out her scythe* I wonder…

Charlotte: I don’t have any scars… or birthmarks. Wait, I must wear a mask for a reason. However! You don’t say anything about it, and forget it most of the time. *sighs*

Lance: I do… scars at least…but you never mention them… I mean; death has to leave a mark somewhere…

Phantomness: *Advances with scythe* you want a birthmark?

Lance: *Frowns* NO!

Charlotte: *Shrugs and looks in a mirror as she waits for the two to resolve their differences* Mirror, mirror, on the wall. How long will it take this author to update at all?

Phantomness: I can’t help being busy!

"Looking good is important. You might want to consider acquiring contacts and dying your hair (white is a favorite) before making the scene."

Phantomness: It’s just because you all have 3 forms…

Charlotte: Well, I have black hair and blue eyes and she has blonde hair and blue eyes.

Lance: And the only reason I have blood-red hair streaked with gold and silver later is because a reader insisted on it. And you like catering to the reader. Plus, I’m a boy, so I’m technically not me, does that make sense?

Phantomness: It’s more fun to have forms. Illusions are always handy too.

Charlotte: So I’m Asian and look it. *Shrugs* I don’t want white hair!

Lance: *Backs away from phantomness as she advances with a tray of hair dye* Oi! Stay away from me!

"Learn to giggle and simper. Older males find it endearing."

Phantomness: *coughs* my older brother doesn’t think so. In fact, he said he’d kill anyone who did that to him.

Charlotte: I don’t do either…

Lance: Come on, I’m masquerading as a male league champion most of the time, when I’m not, well, really biologically male. Doing either of those things would give me away instantly… and Ash is younger than I am.

"Learn martial arts, at least one musical instrument, and if possible a couple of foreign languages. The more special skills you have, the better!"

Phantomness: I take karate, play two instruments, speak two languages, but I’m alive! Also, I suck at everything but Clarinet…

Charlotte: The closest I’ll get to martial arts is jumping over a small puddle of water… Supposedly, I can play three musical instruments, but its never mentioned anywhere in your fics. So does it count?

Lance: *Looks clueless* No idea… why waste time with martial arts if I can just have Dragonite Hyper Beam the idiot?

Charlotte: Magic is good. Alchemy is good. Sacrifices are good…

"Get yourself a gimmick, like a piece of jewelry or an article of clothing you wear constantly. Oh yeah, avoid dresses. They're for sissies."

Phantomness: If dresses are for sissies, why are guys always wearing them in yaoi fics? *Ponders*

Lance: No idea. I’ve always got my key though. I mean, its practically part of me.

Charlotte: *insulted* I wear dresses…and skirts, is that bad?

Phantomness: *Pets Charlotte on the head to avoid going up in flames* Its just a fic…

"Animal friends are ALWAYS fun! Try a small dragon or a hawk for starters -- they're pretty, compact, loyal, and can rip out your opponent's eyes in .5 seconds."

Phantomness: If I write a pokemon fic, why would there be no pokemon? Wait! I successfully did that in Pokemon: The Mysterious Game.

Lance: I’m a Dragon Master. Of course I have a dragon! But they’re not small… *points to Lugia, Dragonite, 2 Dragonair, Aerodactyl, Gyrados, and Rayquaza*

Charlotte: No dragons. No hawks. I do have a sugar-high Vulpix though!

Phantomness: But she’d help your enemy if they gave her a candy bar or two…

Charlotte: *Sweatdrops*

Lance: I guess that counts as a weakness there.

"When shopping around for super powers, I suggest going for telepathy, elemental control, or shape shifting. No one likes a girl who can beat up the team's heavy-hitters. It's unladylike."

Lance: Unladylike? Well, if nobody knows I’m a lady, who cares, wait, if I’m a boy this won’t apply. *cheers*

Charlotte: I guess a set of magical cards is useful. But they aren’t unique, are they? I didn’t think so.

Phantomness: *Sighs* I know, seems like everyone is toting a set around nowadays…

"Include at least one trip to the mall in every story. Everyone loves to shop, especially if the cash is unlimited. Remember, Xavier and Frost are LOADED."

Phantomness: So wait, who?

Lance: I resent the fact that I may have to rely on anyone else for cash. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with buying food. In fact, if we didn’t buy food, how would Shadow justify the fact that we’re usually eating in every other chapter of her fics. It makes the reviewers hungry.

Charlotte: Remember when I tried to shop in CCA? It never worked out… why is Ash always being attacked while I’m in the dressing room or attempting to purchase something? It turned out better when I was selling stuff, not the other way around.

"For a costume try a stylish little midriff number, in leather if possible. Or, if you're a Good Girl, try something pink and flowing. Huge boots and tight tops work well together."

Phantomness: O.O Sorry, whenever I hear leather my mind snaps to Mahaado/Atem or Yami/Yugi yaoi fics…I actually finally found Mahaado x Atemu *swoon*

Lance: *gags* Pink and flowing? No way! I mean, if it’s flowing it gets in the way when I attack… that’s why I wear pants and a jacket…Kevlar. The cloak gets caught in stuff, but then again, that’s a weapon too.

Charlotte: If I fight I’m usually in my gold guardian armor… it’s kind of like Ash’s I guess…

"Be sure to include at least one scene in which you A) save a wounded squirrel, B) feed pigeons on French bread, C) help an old guy across the street, or D) all of the above."

Phantomness: *Blinks* and this is relevant to my fics?

Lance: No, no, and no. That would be WAFF, and you don’t write WAFF like a normal person does.

Charlotte: WAFF? Oh, warm and fuzzy feelings. Can Phantomness even write that? I mean, besides darkfic, dark fluff, and action/adventure ficcies…

Phantomness: *Glares* you want me to pair you up with Professor Oak?

Charlotte: *Gags* 50 year age difference…

Lance: *Looks speculative* that might be applicable to the shopping question earlier if you do.

Charlotte: NO!!

"You should have ridiculous amounts of power at your disposal. No one likes a partial transformer, or a weak telepath."

Charlotte: What about being hydrophobic? I’m also afraid of the dark…

Lance: Energy drain… happens 90% of the time magic is used. Maybe more. How many times have I almost died from overuse?

Phantomness: But it’s good for subtle shipping! Also, Lance can hit on you with more ease, right?

Lance: >.<;

"You really should pick a big-brother figure in one of the team. If you play your cards right, it should be Gambit, and he should call you 'petite' often. Or, if you're feeling adventurous, try Wolverine! If things work out he can be your big-brother figure AND future lover!"

Phantomness: I say only one thing. Not applicable

Lance: I feel as if I’m playing Ash’s older brother at times… *Blush* you know, maybe the second part could apply.

Phantomness: I can’t post lemon on ff.net, although I’m trying to subtly hint at it. Not in CCA yet though. But! Now that I have my own , very own site, I have lemon! *cackles*

"If you can make male characters fight for your affections, you know you're in the big leagues!"

Lance: If there were males fighting for my affection, I’d kill them all.

Charlotte: I second that

Phantomness: What about Ash?

Lance: Considering its Ashline in a good portion of fics, that doesn’t count. But then again, I can protect him no matter what form I’m in, heh…

Charlotte: Besides, they’d probably just want to get us in bed for the money…

"If you're a little below average in the looks department, consider plastic surgery. Remember, the optimum body type is 'willowy.'"

Phantomness: Hmm… how tall is willowy?

Lance: I turn out to be shorter than Ash at times. Why?

Charlotte: I remembered I was about 5’4… maybe 5’1…

"In Mary Sue Land no one ever has to put any amount of time into training for their skills. Bonus points if you use telepathy to learn all your arsekicking skills."

Phantomness: Maybe I should move there?

Lance: How much time do I spend training? A lot would be a good estimate. I know I was born with the power, but I had to learn to use it!

Charlotte: Throwing electricity at targets is hard…oh, and I do end up losing when I spar with another guardian most of the time.

Phantomness: Although poor Ash has to do a lot too…

"With the proper teachers it should be NO problem to go from total newbie to Master Apprentice of the Secret Arts in the space of a few weeks. If you have to break a sweat you obviously aren't trying hard enough."

Phantomness: If CCA only took a few weeks any interaction between you two would just scream PWP

Lance: *Frantic blush* I didn’t even have a teacher… I had to teach myself and then teach Ash…

Charlotte: I’ll second that…

"Power is a state of mind. For instance, if you're ever caught in a deep Amazon rainforest, botanopathy is never out of your reach."

Phantomness: Amazon Rainforest? *Starts juggling plotbunnies* Hmm… maybe Ash could be lost and you could be animal spirits…

Lance: NO

Charlotte: Wouldn’t that apply to a later segment of this test? Oh, I mean the next one…

"Any physical mutation will only serve to *enhance* your already intense personal beauty and charisma. Wings are always feathery and graceful, claws are always retractable and unnoticeable, and so on and so forth."

Phantomness: Hey! Either of you want claws?

Lance: I have fangs in Dark Angel… and I have wings made out of steel… and they’re heavy. But I like fangs. I drain people, and I like killing people when they destroy the environment, oh yes…

Charlotte: If my wings were feathery and graceful, they’d be useless in battle

Lance: *Speculates* Claws? Maybe… nah, I’d rather be a dragon. I make a cute Dratini in ‘Shelter in the Storm’. But wait! In Pet shop of Horrors, I am a dragon and I have claws and wings and blades and…

Phantomness: I admit they’re pretty, but they’re useful, right?

"No Mary Sue ever has to study to learn anything! Deep knowledge of hard subjects comes as naturally as breathing!"

Phantomness: I wish I were a Mary-Sue… I only have a B average this semester! *glares at nothing*

Lance: I force Ash to study… of course I have to learn it before he can. I note that I’m learning Spanish, physics, chemistry, and biology at the same time… *sweatdrops*

Charlotte: I was in school when Ash contacted me…usually in a math class.

"Cash is NEVER an issue. Being independently wealthy is a must!"

Lance: All right. I am. How do you think I pay for my cave? And what about the renovations on Ice Island? And I own Whirl Islands too…

Charlotte: I’m a gym leader. Good source of income there. There is nothing like beating up idiots for cash. Too bad Junior trainers don’t pay much.

Phantomness:…

"Quantum physics is a breeze: just use your subatomically-finely-honed telekinesis to grasp the difficult theory!"

Phantomness: *Cries* I’m nearly failing regular physics!

Lance: I told Ash there were physics used in a few attacks, but that’s it. Believe that’s also in ‘dark angel’

Charlotte: *Blinks* No clue…

"It's always dramatic and endearing to FLING your innocent, beautiful self in front of various team members, deflecting fatal plasma blasts/bullets/oncoming semi trucks, even if your team members are invulnerable or otherwise protected!"

Charlotte: Wouldn’t it be faster just to teach Ash how to shield?

Lance: *Shrugs* It makes for romantic moments

Phantomness: I try not to overuse this topic…but it’s hard, so hard, not to do clichés…

"Remember: though plasma blasts WILL bubble your skin, you will still leave a lovely tragic corpse with your glorious expressive eyes staring toward the sky!"

Phantomness: I like simple deaths…

Lance: *Snorts* Right… what about ‘Shelter in the storm?’

Phantomness: But you didn’t stay dead, did you?

Charlotte: *Frowns* I notice in some of your fics I’m mentioned as dead once, so Ash can get an extra power boost…

Phantomness: Meep! *Hides* Sorry! But if you’re dead Ash has more power!

Charlotte: >.<

"Important note -- no matter how innocent you are, a Mary Sue *always* knows just what to do in bed. And never has to worry about unwanted pregnancy, diseases, or anything *bad*!"

Charlotte: Virgin and plan on staying that way, thank you very much

Lance: So glad someone wrote the ‘guardians can’t get pregnant’ clause in… not that I’m doing anything with Ash, mind you. *Glares*

Phantomness: There’s also the problem of incineration, ice statues, and death via electric shock should a mere mortal try to kiss or feel up a guardian…

Lance: *After a few minutes pause* Wait, I take that back, I’m not innocent at all… how many different personalities do I have?

Phantomness: Catelyn is innocent, you are however not Catelyn most of the time. Things just work out that way.

"If your intentions are on the raunchy side, remember, just because someone's been shown as straight so far doesn't mean you can't secrete pheromones to make them change your mind!"

Phantomness: Shonen-ai… *Eyes sparkle*

Lance: I’m usually being paired as heterosexual, since I’m a girl while he’s a guy… I just cross dress. But! I’m so glad you jumped on the shonen-ai wagon. Yes, I am hot in either form… *looks in a mirror*

Charlotte: When was I ever in a romantic relationship?

Phantomness: I’ll pair you up with Oak!

Charlotte: >.< I hate you.

"FRIENDS! Mary Sues always have a friend who, while not as clever or as resourceful as she, still fills a useful need now and again."

Lance: *Coughs something that sounds suspiciously like Teresa*

Charlotte: If she was a friend I’ll eat my key. With Tabasco sauce and lemon on the side…

Phantomness: I think she was just obsessed with taping Ash…

"Be connected to as many people as you can think of. For example, think of the possibilities for angst when Riptide is your long-lost fourth cousin!"

Lance: Not applicable

Phantomness: Guilty… Charlotte, you are distantly related to Ash.

Charlotte: So? Am I angsty over him? He might ponder my death for a few seconds once in a while, but that’s it. Besides, he likes having my powers.

Phantomness: I’ve been accused of cousin incest in Rocket Child

Charlotte: That’s repugnant. The fic is Championshipping in the later chapters. Someone is reading into the lines too much.

"When you're kidnapped by Sinister (and we're sure you will be, only to break free a few chapters later, of course!) make sure to include his Lab of Eeeeeville. Every good mad scientist needs a Lab of Eeeeeville. And don't forget to be 'spunky' when confronted with a gloating Mr. Sinister. There is NO un-'spunky' Mary Sue. Don't spit in his face; that's unladylike. But always have a good reserve of great sarcastic insults that make Mr. Sinister nearly see the error of his ways."

Phantomness: Now, I don’t think either of you have ever been kidnapped.

Lance: I kidnapped Ash! Does that count?

Charlotte: I think it’s the other way around… *Eats a cookie* so! What’s next?

Phantomness: Maybe I should write in a kidnapping scene?

Charlotte: Don’t even think of using this guide for plotbunnies

"A proper Mary Sue is the master of the comeback, and so persuasive that she can make even Apocalypse see the error of his ways."

Phantomness: Hell no! I like killing off blatant Mary-Sue and SI and NT.

Lance: Nah, it’s more fun to kill Bob. I mean; I was trapped in an igloo with him for more than seventy-two hours.

Charlotte: I usually have to die before that happens… *Teary eyes*

Phantomness: Bob was written for revenge purposes only.

Lance: I know. But I still enjoyed it! ^_^

"Hardened killers with hundreds of kills to their credit need love too, and they'll always spare a Mary Sue."

Phantomness: Ah… I guess that explains Yugi/Yami, Ryou/Bakura, and Malik/Yami Malik

Lance: Not exactly. But it’s kind of true in ‘Dark Angel’… what else? I kill in Mew Amulet too… and some other newer fics

Charlotte: But Ash isn’t a Mary-Sue.

Phantomness: Not everyone needs love… some people, on the other hand, and extremely needy. *Points to ‘How to Catch a Star’*

Charlotte: Lance really isn’t that… dizzy, right?

Lance/Phantomness: I hope not

Charlotte: I guess I’d die or beat the crap out of the killer…

"Try to score a journey into space as soon as possible. You'll make valuable connections, and maybe even take the spaceship for a cruise! (But they pull to the left, so be careful when going into warp.)"

Phantomness: Ah?

Charlotte: Stop staring at the quote! I sense plotbunnies forming!

Lance: If you do write a romance, it’ll be Championshipping, right?

Phantomness: I can’t even drive a car without hitting the curb… or a parked truck…I sense that it would be a bad thing for me to send anyone into outer space.

"No matter HOW weird things get, a Mary Sue is never fazed."

Lance: No, I’ve seen worse.

Charlotte: Remember the talking blob in CCA? Ash and I both freaked out.

Lance: I wouldn’t know, I was off training so I could prepare for my long touching scene with Ash at the end of the arc.

Phantomness: That’s perfectly fine!

"Having an alien lover is a good idea, and often a rewarding experience. Sure, to them humans are freakish pink sacks of goo, but your unique beauty transcends species barriers!"

Phantomness: *Faints*

Lance: If I was a Dratini and Ash was human, would that count?

Charlotte: I doubt it. Besides, if you’re both aliens, it doesn’t matter, right?

Lance: Perhaps, if pokemon were aliens…

Charlotte: But Chosen aren’t human, she said that before.

Lance: *Speculative grin* Yes… and I like having wings.

"Marriage and mental bonds are irrelevant for a Mary Sue (unless of course we don't LIKE Cyclops, in which case he will be constantly epoxied to Jean's side)."

Phantomness: Mental bonds? That sounds too Star Wars… but people do talk in telepathy a lot. Its just part of a guardian’s life, ne?

Lance: If Ash were married, I guess I’d leave him alone

Charlotte: What if you were the one married to him?

Lance: It’s rated. What about you?

Phantomness: Lance and Ash shall be married in ‘Dark Angel’, for anyone interested

Charlotte: If I were married, I think I’d kill the man before we consummated anything.

Lance: I admire your spirit. That’s what I did when Thaddeus tried to take advantage of me in “Dragon’s Love’.

"Remember the magic three: Summers, LeBeau, Lensherr. Any of these men are imminently relatable."

Charlotte: Again, this is not really useable. So! On to the next question.

Lance: I like strawberries… and 3 is a magic number. We’re called the Triple Guardianship for a reason. Fire, ice, lightning…

"You should have an explanation ready for any odd behavior, up to and including mass slaughter -- don't worry, the X-Men love you. They'll listen!"

Phantomness: Ah. But the only thing I know about X-men is the first movie and Y/Y crossover fics…

Charlotte: I’m hydrophobic, I can explain anything with that as long as I’m near to any body of water.

Lance: Everyone knows I’m cold, possessive, and not averse to draining blood out of people in dark alleys.

Phantomness: Well, that explains everything

Charlotte: PMS

Lance: It doesn’t explain anything if I’m pretending to be a male.

Phantomness: Valid argument though

"If you're male, try to cultivate a Secret Past. That way Gambit and Wolverine will have someone to relate to."

Charlotte: I have no past at all…

Lance: I seem to retell my past story quite often.

Phantomness: Nobody cares about my past or the fact that I have so much homework its hard to update…

"If you're female, have a Secret Past anyway, with all the people Gambit and Wolverine hate. They'll love you for it. Not like they don't already, but as a Mary Sue, cover all your bases."

Lance/Charlotte/Phantomness: I’m getting out of here…

This concludes your first session of Mary Sueing for Beginners. I hope everyone has learned a valuable lesson. (Even if it was something as simple as "Don't inhale white-out fumes as a child.")

Phantomness: Thank Ra that’s over

Lance: I think you’ve been reading too many YGO fics

Charlotte: That’s where her latest plotbunnies are coming from

Lance: Ahh…

Phantomness: Bye everyone! *Runs away to write more*

Lance: *twitches* I have a bad feeling…

Started 1/18/04, completed 1/30/04, updated 4/30/04