SOME WIT THAT CAN BE FOUND ON T - SHIRTS:
I fought the lawn but....
The Lawn Won!
Never be afraid to try.
Remember 
- the Titanic was built by
Professionals, the Ark was built by Amateurs.
Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.
Don't piss me off - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Be nice to your children - It is they that will pick your Nursing Home.
When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
There is intelligent life on
Earth, but I am just visiting.
Don't take life too seriously - you will never get out of it alive.
I don't suffer from insanity. I really enjoy it.
Death is hereditary.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
Work
fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.
Why be difficult when with a little more effort you can be impossible?
Politicians do not change the course of the Nation. They merely adjust the compass.
Raising children is like nailing jelly to a tree.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterdays nut that held its ground.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders,
sometimes it leaves completely.
If you can remain calm you just don't have all the facts.
I just do what the voices inside my head tell me to.
If it's called The Tourist Season, Why can't we hunt them?
Growing
old is inevitable. Growing up is optional.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
A diplomat is somebody who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
Psychiatrists say that 1 in 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends and if they are normal well....guess what?
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
Old age comes at a bad time.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths.
I believe that no problem is so large or so difficult that it cannot be blamed on somebody else.
If I wanted to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet I would put shoes on my dog.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber - not for the toy.
